Pet Loss and Children

Establishing a Health Foundation

Cheri Barton Ross

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9780415949194
• eBook ISBN: 9781135409555
• Topic: Médecine
• Subtopic: Médecine vétérinaire

Explaining the concept of death to a child is a very difficult, confusing, and uncomfortable experience for a parent, educator, or therapist, and it is a topic that is often first introduced by the loss of a pet - sometimes a child's earliest exposure to loss and grief. There is an undeniably special bond that develops between people and their pets, especially between animals and young children, and while the death of a pet can be devastating to an adult, children are often deeply affected by such a loss. Without readily available outlets for their feelings, the trauma of pet loss can remain with a child for life, and without help many adults feel inadequate and not up to the task. The aim of this book is to provide therapists, counselors, educators, parents, social workers, veterinarians, and physicians with resources to help children cope with the loss of a pet.

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PET LOSS

A Family Experience

Change is the law of life.

—John F. Kennedy

There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to reap, a time to sow, a time to gather together and a time to let go, a time to he horn and a time to die.

—Ecclesiastes 3:1

Children grow up witnessing change in nature. They learn that there is a natural rhythm and flow to life. They watch the leaves grow on the trees, see them go from green to red to brown and then fall from the branches. They watch as the barren land becomes covered with snow. They feel the temperature change and then witness the process of rebirth and death every year that they are alive. With change comes anticipation, sometimes with dread and sometimes with joy for the good things that it brings (such as butterflies or snow-flakes). Children of any age can feel the discomfort of the bitter cold on their bodies and the pelting rain against their cheeks. As they grow older they often learn that even the worst of thunderstorms brings rainbows afterward. Before children can even articulate the changes they witness around them, they have come to accept them as part of the cycle of life. From this knowledge, children can build on a foundation of the cycle of life that includes the birth of people and animals and the death of both as well.

As children grow, they realize that there is sadness in death, in having to say good-bye. Whether it's a matter of losing the beautifully colored leaves on the trees or losing a loved one, sharing discomfort and sadness can help to cement family ties and bring children, their parents, siblings, and extended family closer together. This is one of the positive changes that can occur through experiencing loss. Any change, even if for the better, is accompanied by discomforts, and learning to comfort each other through the loss of a beloved pet can assist children by helping them to feel important, cherished, and cared for within a family structure.

The child's relationship with a pet determines the level of grief he or she will feel with the loss of that pet. Understanding the relationship children share with pets is the first step in helping them to work through a loss. To assist children through the loss of a pet, we must first take the time to understand what pets may mean to children.

A child of any age can bond with and develop an attachment to an animal. Terry Levy, Ph.D., and Michael Orlans, M.A., in their book Attachment, Trauma and Healing, described bonding as a physical and psychological connection that can last a lifetime.¹ They explained that attachment is the enduring emotional connection characterized by the development of trust, security, and the desire for closeness, particularly when the child is under stress. Although they described the relationship between parent and child, the same principles of attachment and bonding can be related to child and pet.

Attachment Theory

Emotionally healthy children are able to demonstrate affection toward those they care about. They seek comfort from

Figure 1.1 Stephanie and Jessamine love Shlomo like a member of their family.

those they trust when they are feeling had. They are able to help themselves appropriately for their cognitive age and are willing to ask for help when they need it. They are cooperative with caregivers without being excessively demanding or demonstrating an excessive lack of cooperation. They often check in with those in charge when exploring unfamiliar territory (either through play or in a new environment). Children who love their animals will be affectionate with them. They might comfort the pet when it is hurt or frightened. They might provide food, shelter, and water for their pets (appropriate for the children's abilities). Although the majority of children have a healthy attachment to their pets, it is important to note that children who turn to their pets consistently for affection and comfort are children who are not able to get their needs met in their home environment. Therapists who work with children whose pets are at the center of their lives need to fully explore the family dynamics.

Relationships Children Share with Their Pets

A pet can be a wonderful friend to a child. Often cute, cuddly, playful, and loving, a pet can comfort a child in a way that adults and peers often cannot. A pet will listen to a child for hours without interrupting or asking questions. A pet is often content just to be with the child. A pet's antics and playfulness can often engage a child who is emotionally withdrawn. Laughter and tears, hopes and fears can be shared with a pet without the child ever having to feel concerned that his or her feelings may be betrayed or shared with others.

An only child can view a pet as a sibling. The pet might serve as a confidant, a best friend, and a source of comfort and support. This can be especially true of children who are going through a transition such as a move, a divorce, another loss, or an illness.

Children may consider their pets to be protectors, beings who help to keep them safe while the children are sleeping or playing. A pet does not care if a child has a handicap, speech problem, emotional problem, or other disability. Pets love children unconditionally. They do not care if the child got an F on a test or if other children will not play with him or her. A pet is always there for a child, and children come to depend on this source of support and admiration. Pets have a wonderful way of helping children to feel good about themselves.

One client, Liz, who came to the pet loss support group for help in working through the loss of her dog, shared a story about an 11-year-old girl, Sally, and her cat Snowy. Snowy was Sally's best friend. When Sally's parents divorced, Sally relied on Snowy for the love and support she felt she did not receive from her parents, who were absorbed in and overwhelmed by the details of separating.

As Sally and her parents divided their possessions, it was decided that Sally would live with her mother. She and her mother moved into a small house. Liz would visit Sally and her mother frequently. She saw how important Snowy had become to Sally, especially during all of the recent transitions and losses in her life. One night Sally's mother commented to Liz that the cat had fleas and as a result the house was infested with them. She told Liz that she was going to get rid of the cat. Liz told her how much Snowy meant to Sally, encouraged her to allow Sally to keep Snowy, and offered to help her get rid of the fleas. She told the mother what needed to be done to eradicate the fleas. She even offered to come over and assist her in bathing the cat, bombing the house with flea bombs, and then applying flea medication to the eat.

A few weeks later when visiting Sally and her mother, Liz inquired how it was going with Snowy's flea problem. The mother replied that she had limited funds to purchase flea supplies and was feeling too overwhelmed to continue the task of caring for the cat. She told her friend that she had let Snowy go free in a field far from their home. Liz said that she was furious with her friend for letting Snowy go, and felt even more anger over the fact that Sally had seemed to withdraw even further into herself.

Sally was robbed of her chance to say good-bye and of the emotional support she needed to grieve the loss. Her mother treated the cat as an object, one that she had little time or resources to give to, and the relationship her daughter shared with the cat and the importance was disregarded.

This story illustrates how damage can be done to a child who is already suffering when parents fail to realize the important role a pet can play in a child's life.

It is important to note that a child may wonder about or even fear that a parent who can abandon a cherished animal family member (as Snowy was to Sally) might one day abandon the child. Decisions about family pets should not be made in haste. Careful planning and consideration in regard to all family members need to be explored and options need to be discussed.

Caregivers need to bring compassion, warmth, and a desire to understand the child's loss. In his book Helping Children

Figure 1.2 Pets that are small or exotic, such as geckos, can nonetheless be very meaningful to the children who love them.

Cope With Grief, Alan Wolfelt outlined a process model for assisting grieving children: “The process contains three important ingredients to develop the desired outcome: The Helper as a Person plus The Caring Relationship plus Caregiving Skills equals Intended Growth Outcome.” The caregiver is an instrument in assisting children through the process of grieving. In assisting children, caregivers must be aware of their life experiences, personal beliefs, strengths and weaknesses of personality, and ways of being in the world. The willingness to look at oneself and how it helps or hinders assisting a grieving child is paramount in helping the child obtain closure and acceptance of the loss. In describing the caregiving relationship, Wolfelt made the point that it must be sensitive to the child, be genuine in warmth, communicate acceptance, and have a true desire to understand the relationship with the pet and depth of the emotion felt by the child. Caregivers must be able to perceive, understand, respond, and effectively express and communicate with the child. Understanding what the pet meant to the child is one of the first steps in helping the child through the loss.²

Promoting Healthy Communication Within the Family

The loss of a pet within the family structure should be viewed as a family experience. Some children may experience the death of a classroom pet, and this too can be considered a family experience in the sense that the entire class shared their classroom with the pet and were most likely involved in earing for and interacting with the pet.

Teachers can best assist children through a loss by promoting open communication. One teacher had the children who wanted to participate help to create a classroom mural of the pet and the things the children remembered best. Working on the project opened up a dialogue among the students and with the teacher regarding the loss.

In addition, teachers may want to have a funeral or memorial service for the deceased pet. In cases in which the pet is diagnosed as terminal, the teacher should share this news with the children and allow them to say their good-byes prior to the pet's dying. One idea is that of a good-bye book in which the children draw pictures or write about the feelings they have for the pet cither prior to the loss or after it has occurred. Caring for a pet and saying good-bye are lessons in life that offer teachers and caregivers an opportunity to educate and to provide children with knowledge they can use throughout their lifetimes.

Caregivers can share their feelings about the pet and the loss, and encourage children to express their feelings by asking questions, provide honest, age-appropriate answers, and listen to children as they share fears and concerns. Doing these things gives children the support they need to grieve the loss and also helps them build a healthy foundation for future losses.

Effective Communication and Attending Skills

In promoting open communication, caregivers must have good attending skills. Wolfelt wrote, “One of the easiest things to do when communicating with children is to focus so much on what they are saying that you arc unaware of the nonverbal messages that your body is sending to them. Your attending and skill many times determines the child's perception of you and your desire and commitment to help. When a difference exists between what you say and what the child reads nonverbally, the nonverbal behavior is always believed as being true. Children are much more sensitive to visual communication than to the spoken word. Nonverbal language is the first language they learn. The way they are held and touched as infants, expression or tone of voice and turn of a head all are elements that have meaning to the small child. From these messages they learn how to understand, make sense of, and respond to their world.”³

Modeling a child's body posture, sitting cross-legged on the floor, skipping stones side by side, or coloring on a piece of paper are excellent ways of meeting a child at his or her level. The caregiver's body posture is open and nondefensive, and it relates to the child in a way that he or she finds comfortable.

The following example demonstrates how effective open communication and good attending skills can be when working with a grieving child.

Olivia and the READ Program

Olivia was a Portuguese water dog and an extraordinary pet, according to her owner, Sandi Martin, who founded the READ (Reading Education Assistance Dogs) program. In the READ program, Olivia helped children with reading difficulties by listening patiently as they would read aloud to her. As a therapy dog, she brought comfort, healing, and happiness to many children. Many of the children Olivia and Sandi worked with were challenged physically, emotionally, or develop-mentally. All the children lacked confidence and possessed low self-esteem; hated performing in front of peers, family, or therapists; and had difficulty focusing on the task at hand. It was often difficult for them to relax. Olivia was a catalyst for change for these children. Olivia's work with children often helped them to improve their reading skills and many advanced two levels or more. The children loved reading to her because she did not laugh at them. She helped them to feel safe as they struggled to learn. Many children stated that they enjoyed reading to Olivia because if they made a mistake she did not care.

One day, Olivia became ill and died. When one of the teachers broke the news about Olivia's death to the students, one 8-year-old boy, Kurt, became very angry. He acted out in class with bad behavior. The teacher approached one of the READ team leaders, John, who had worked with Kurt, and asked him to help. John found Kurt sittin...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Full Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• FOREWORD BY DEBORAH ANTINORI
• PREFACE
• 1 PET LOSS: A FAMILY EXPERIENCE
• 2 HOW CHILDREN ASSIMILATE LOSS
• 3 CHILDREN AND EUTHANASIA
• 4 SPECIAL TYPES OF LOSS
• 5 WHEN TO ADOPT ANOTHER PET
• 6 SAYING GOOD-BYE
• 7 COMPLICATED GRIEF RESPONSE TO PET LOSS
• 8 TYPES OF SUPPORT AND THERAPIES FOR CHILDREN
• 9 CHILDREN'S ARTWORK AND STORIES ABOUT LOVING AND LOSING ANIMALS
• 10 RESOURCES FOR HELPING CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILIES THROUGH PET LOSS
• NOTES
• INDEX