Rekindling Desire

Barry McCarthy, Emily McCarthy

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9780429627347
• Edition: 3
• Topic: Psicologia
• Subtopic: Sessualità umana in psicologia

For over a decade, Rekindling Desire has helped to restore and affirm pleasure-oriented sexuality for thousands of people. Drawing on respected therapist Barry McCarthy's extensive knowledge and experience, this updated third edition offers strategies and solutions for no-sex relationships andlow sexual desire.

Contained within are psychosocial sexual skill exercises that will develop communication and confidence, as well as fascinating case studies that illustrate a wide range of couples' sexual frustrations. The shame, embarrassment, and hesitancy that individuals feel with themselves, and the resentment and blame they can feel towards their sexual partners, are explored and put into context. With an individualized relapse prevention plan to ensure sexual gains are maintained and built upon, the book encourages couples to work as a team to minimize guilt and maximize intimacy.

Rekindling Desire, 3rd edition fully celebrates female and male sexuality, challenges inhibitions and avoidance, and promotes satisfying, secure, and sexual relationships. Whether you are married, cohabitating, or dating, it will help renew sexual desire and empower people of all sexual orientations and ages on the path towards healthy, pleasure-oriented sexuality.

Part 1
Awareness

Chapter 1
When and why Couples Lose Sexual Desire

The number one sexual problem facing American couples is low sexual desire. The second most common problem is discrepancies in sexual desire. Pundits laugh and ask, “What do you expect from people married 20 years?” In truth, these are not the couples most likely to experience desire problems. Desire problems plague newly married couples as well as partnered couples who have been together 2 years or longer. Desire problems can occur among all types of couples and all age groups (Lei-blum, 2010). Desire problems occur most often in the early years of the relationship. This is when sex problems cause the most damage, including breaking up the relationship.

How can you understand and confront desire problems? Do many couples experience a low sex or no sex relationship, or is lack of desire a freak occurrence? Before we explore these topics, let’s see what you know about sex and relationships, especially the state of sex in your relationship. We urge you to be honest. This test won’t be graded, so tell us what you really feel rather than giving the socially desirable answer.

1. Sex is more work than play.
2. Touching always leads to intercourse.
3. Touching only takes place in the bedroom.
4. You no longer look forward to being sexual.
5. Sex does not give you feelings of attachment or pleasure.
6. You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your partner.
7. Sex is limited to a fixed time, such as Saturday night or Sunday afternoon.
8. One partner is always the initiator and the other feels pressured.
9. Sex was best during the first 6 months of your relationship.
10. Sex has become mechanical and routine.
11. At most, you have sex once or twice a month.

If you answered true to five or more statements, true to item 11, or both, you are among the more than 40 million Americans trapped in a low sex or no sex relationship.

The adage in sex therapy is that when sexuality goes well, it is a positive, integral part of your relationship, but not a major component. Sexuality contributes 15–20% to couple vitality and satisfaction (McCarthy, 2015). However, when sexuality is dysfunctional, conflictual, or avoided, it assumes an inordinately powerful role, draining your relationship of intimacy and vitality while threatening relational stability (Metz & McCarthy, 2010).

The most disruptive sexual problem is low desire. If the desire problem degenerates into a no sex relationship, it puts tremendous pressure on your couple bond, especially if affection also ceases. Desire is the core dimension in sexuality. A prime function of sexuality is to energize your bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability. No sex or low sex relationships become devitalized, especially when this occurs in the first 5 years of the relationship. Unless you address and change this trajectory, a break-up or divorce is probable.

The positive functions of couple sexuality are to share pleasure, reinforce and deepen intimacy, and serve as a tension reducer to deal with the vicissitudes of life and the stresses of a shared life. An optional function is to conceive a planned, wanted baby. A low sex or no sex relationship negates these benefits and robs you of special feelings and secure attachment.

The Stigma of Low Desire

The initial focus of sex therapy was orgasm dysfunction/nonorgasmic response during intercourse for women and premature ejaculation for men. The naïve assumption was that if both partners were orgasmic during intercourse, everything would be wonderful. The mistaken simplistic concepts were “sex=intercourse” and “orgasm=satisfaction”.

Sexuality is complex, not simple. It is multi-causal and multidimensional, with significant individual, couple, cultural, and value differences (McCarthy & Bodnar, 2005). The new mantra for healthy couple sexuality is desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction (Foley, Kope, & Sugrue, 2012). Primary sexual dysfunction means the problem has always plagued the person. Secondary dysfunction means sex was functional, but now is problematic. Secondary desire problems are the most common sexual problem facing couples, whether married or partnered, straight or gay.

Desire and satisfaction form the core of healthy couple sexuality. It is more socially acceptable to say you have a specific dysfunction—nonorgasmic response, painful intercourse, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, ejaculatory inhibition—than to admit “I am not interested in sex”, “I don’t like sex”, or “I no longer enjoy sex”. In our sex-saturated culture, everyone is supposed to desire sex and have a wonderful sex life.

The best data estimates are that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men report desire problems (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994). Women are unfairly blamed for desire problems. In reality, when couples stop being sexual, it is usually the man’s choice because he has lost confidence with erection, intercourse, and orgasm. In truth, the majority of couples experience desire problems at some time in their relationship. If you are having desire problems, you are not alone. Feeling deficient and stigmatized is of no value to you or your relationship. Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples seeking sex therapy. Desire problems stress your relationship more than any other sexual dysfunction.

The extreme of desire problems is the no sex relationship. The couple fall into the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, performance-oriented sex with intercourse as a pass-fail test, frustration, embarrassment, and eventually sexual avoidance. Sex becomes a performance problem rather than a shared pleasure. Couples do not plan to have a no sex relationship; it is a pattern you fall into. A no sex marriage does not mean total abstinence, but that sex occurs less than 10 times a year. A low sex relationship means being sexual less than every other week (i.e. less than 24 times a year). Approximately 1 in 5 married couples have a no sex marriage. An additional 15% have a low sex relationship. For partnered couples who have been together 2 years or longer, approximately 40–45% have a no sex or low sex relationship. Married couples have the most sex, while couples who have cohabitated 2 years or longer have the least sex.

The longer the couple avoid sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle. Avoidance becomes a self-fulfilling trap. The longer you struggle over desire problems, the more you blame each other and feel isolated. The more shameful you feel, the harder it is to break the cycle. The couple who have not resumed sexual contact for 6 months after the birth of a baby face one set of problems, but the couple that have not been sexual for 6 years face a truly daunting task. Yet the strategy for change is the same—renew intimacy, engage in nondemand pleasuring, and reintroduce erotic scenarios and techniques. The more chronic the problem, the more difficult the change process. Maintaining motivation to address the desire problem as an intimate sexual team is a major challenge. Confronting inhibitions and avoidance is even more difficult for the couple that have stopped being affectionate. The good news is that motivated couples are able to reestablish desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction.

The Nonconsummated Marriage

The number of couples who do not consummate their marriage is difficult to estimate because it is a shameful secret. One in four couples has an unsuccessful or very painful first intercourse. As many as 1.5% of marriages are not consummated during the first year, and about half of those remain unconsummated. Most of these couples were sexually active before marriage but ceased intercourse and were not able to reestablish sexuality. Another pattern is a specific dysfunction, such as severe pain during intercourse or erectile dysfunction, that makes intercourse impossible. Some couples maintain desire and enjoy erotic sexuality. Sadly, most people in nonconsummated marriages avoid any sensual or sexual activity. Embarrassment over a nonconsummated marriage dominates their lives. The woman does not answer questions about sexual activity or, if she suffers from vaginismus (spasming of the vaginal opening that makes insertion impossible), she avoids a gynecological exam and pap smear. The stigma for the man is even more severe. He views the unconsummated marriage as an attack on his masculinity. The couple treats the sexual problem as a shameful secret, not talking to friends, family, or doctors. This furthers alienation and stigma. The partners do not even talk to each other.

It is important to be aware that no sex marriages, low sex relationships, nonconsummated marriages, and relationships controlled by desire discrepancies are more common than anyone realizes. Sexual problems can be addressed and resolved. You can revitalize your sexual bond and rekindle desire. It requires motivation, focus, and working as an intimate sexual team, often with the help of a couple sex therapist.

What Is Normal Sexuality?

Before 1970, there was a lack of scientific information about sexual function and dysfunction; educational materials were of poor quality, and couples suffered from inhibition, guilt, and lack of sexual communication. Sexual myths and misinformation were rampant. We now have better scientific information about sexual function and dysfunction than any time in human history. There is a plethora of educational materials and self-help books. Sexuality is discussed in arenas from pulpits to talk shows. Sexual themes dominate our culture and media, including TV, Internet, movies, and music. There is an enormous amount of sexual discussion, although the quality is low, with a confusing medley of fact and fiction. Naïve, repressive myths have been replaced by unrealistic sex-performance myths and erotic perfectionism. Confusion has been replaced by performance anxiety. There has not been a net gain for sexual pleasure.

Almost 50% of couples who have been together 2 years or longer complain of sexual problems and dissatisfaction. The difference is that in 1970 the problems were primary, involving arousal and orgasm dysfunction. In 2020 the sexual problems are secondary, and involve low desire or desire discrepancies. Sadly, sexual anxieties, conflicts, inhibitions, and dysfunction are still the norm.

Sexuality is an important aspect of life and a relationship. We are respectful of individual, couple, cultural, and value differences in the roles and meanings of sexuality. There is not “One right way to be sexual”. Sexually, “One size never fits all people”.

Concepts That Promote Healthy Sexuality

1. Sex is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. Sexuality involves attitudes, behaviors, emotions, experiences, perceptions, and values. Sexuality is a natural, healthy element in a person’s life and relationship. It need not be a source for shame or negative feelings.
2. Sexuality is an integral dimension of your personality. You deserve to feel good about your body, yourself as a sexual person, and sexuality in your relationship.
3. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.
4. Express sexuality so that it has a 15–20% positive role in your life and intimate relationship.

The Four Dimensions of Healthy Couple Sexuality

Desire: Positive anticipation and feeling you deserve healthy sexuality in your life and relationship.

Pleasure: Receptivity and responsivity to sensual and sexual touching.

Eroticism: Subjective and objective arousal that naturally culminates in orgasm.

Satisfaction: Feeling positive about yourself as a sexual person, especially desire and desirability, and feeling bonded as a sexual couple.

Sexuality allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. A key element in establishing realistic sexual expectations is acceptance of the inherent variability of couple sexuality. Novels and movies emphasize free-flowing, non-verbal, powerful sexuality where desire is intense, arousal is quick, orgasm always occurs for both partners (ideally simultaneous orgasm), and the sexual encounter is marvelous every time. This promotes great movies and entertainment, but causes real life couples to feel intimidated and deficient. If partners experience powerful desire, arousal, and orgasm on occasion, they can count themselves lucky and celebrate those special experiences. It is important to be aware that less than half the experiences of loving, well-functioning couples involve mutual desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction. The best sex is mutual and synchronous. Most sex is positive, but asynchronous. This means sex is better for one person than the other, although the partner enjoys the experience or at least appreciates going along for the ride. For couples under 40, asynchronous sexuality is usually better for the man than the woman. A gender challenge is that for couples over 60, asynchronous sexuality is usually easier and better for the woman. An important perspective is that even among loving, sexually functional couples, 5–15% of sexual encounters are dissatisfying or dysfunctional. Whether it happens once a month, once every 10 times, or once a year, it is normal to have “lousy” sex. You are not a perfectly functioning sexual machine. You are two people sharing pleasure and sexuality. There is built in variability and complexity in couple sexuality and, occasionally, dissatisfaction or dys-function (Frank, Anderson, & Rubinstein, 1978).

Sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction are experienced by 50% of married couples and more than 60% of partnered couples who have been together 2 years or longer. So if you experience sexual problems, you have plenty of company. Desire problems and discrepancies in desire are the most common sexual complaints. One partner (usually the man) initiates and pushes sex. Even if dysfunctional or unsatisfying, couple sex continues. Some individuals with low desire do not have difficulty with arousal and orgasm once the sexual encounter begins. As one client said, “Once stimulation starts, I get turned-on and come; it’s the wanting to have sex that eludes me”. Pundits call it “lack of wanta”.

Occasional lack of desire is normal (for both men and women). At times, low desire can be healthy. You wonder about people who have high sexual desire in times of intense couple conflict, when worried about an ill child, after a funeral, facing a financial crisis, or during a highly stressful work situation. It is unhealthy to use sex to deny or avoid reality. However, it is normal to have differences in desire. Sometimes one partner wants a hug and the other wants an orgasm. What is not normal is chronic low desire, a no sex relationship, or power struggles over desire discrepancies.

Romantic Love and Sexual Chemistry

We have been socialized by movies, music, and novels to believe that romantic love and sexual chemistry are the driving forces that carry a couple to the heights of ecstasy. Movie sex is passionate, flawless, spontaneous, spectacular, and free. The fact that this image of sexual desire and attraction has nothing to do with real couples’ sexual lives is ignored by the media hype. Romantic love, passionate sex, and idealization play a powerful role in initial attraction. Many couples begin in this limerence phase (Tennov, 1998). However, romantic love/passionate sex is inherently unstable, usually lasting 6 months to a year, seldom 2 years. The limerence phase is usually over before marriage. Sexual chemistry is explosive and equally short-lived. Couples report “hot” sex at the beginning of their relationships where they see each other on a romantic, fun basis, but experience sexual disappointment when living together or married. Where did the passion go? The desire phase based on romantic love/passionate sex/idealization disappears, as it should. Romantic love and hot sex cannot maintain desire. Sexual desire is based on emotional and sexual intimacy, not on initial romance, passion, and drama. Pleasure, trust, and sexual playfulness nurture desire after the heat of sexual chemistry is long gone. The prescription for maintaining sexual desire is integrating intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, erotic scenarios and techniques, and positive, realistic sexual expectations.

Couples who believe that the way to rebuild desire is to rekindle romantic love and reignite sexual passion are heading into a dead end. The keys to rekindling sexual vitality are building bridges to desire, enhancing intimacy, enjoying nondemand pleasuring, and creating erotic scenarios. Broad-based, flexible couple sexuality provides a solid foundation. At its core, sexual desire is interpersonal, not individual. The partners learn to think, talk, act, and feel like an intimate sexual team. Each partner facilitates and reinforces the other’s sexual feelings and desires rather than colluding in sexual avoidance.

Maintaining comfort, attraction, and trust is a dynamic process. Each person takes an initiative and designs a pleasurable or erotic scenario. The partner is open and receptive. Inhibitions and avoidance are confronted. This requires commitment and working together as an intimate sexual team. Change is gradual rather than dramatic. There will be difficulties, setbacks, disappointments, and lapses, but if you stay with the process you will succeed. Once sexuality is reestablished, you need to maintain and reinforce gains. Benign neglect subverts sexual desire. Relapse prevention requires active engagement. Good intentions and loving feelings are necessary, but not sufficient, to maintain a vital sexual bond.

Sexuality involves a major cognitive component. The most important factor for desire is positive anticipation. Attitudes about deserving sexual pleasure and your rights as a sexual person promotes sexuality. Yet, sexuality is not primarily a cognitive activity. Sexuality involves emotions and behaviors—sharing intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism. The more severe and chronic the low desire, the harder it is for a couple to have the courage to take risks and reinstitute sensual, playful, and erotic touching.

Secrets and Hidden Agendas

Low desire and no sex relationships have a multitude of possible causes. Often these involve sexual secrets, most of which can be dealt with, while others symbolize a fatally flawed relationship. Examples of secrets that can be addressed include shame over childhood sexual abuse, guilt about an idiosyncra...