Contemporary Issues in Couples Counseling

A Choice Theory and Reality Therapy Approach

Patricia A. Robey, Robert E. Wubbolding, Jon Carlson, Patricia A. Robey, Robert E. Wubbolding, Jon Carlson

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781138110762
• eBook ISBN: 9781136794223
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Contemporary Issues in Couples Counseling explores the most difficult issues that people in the helping professions face when treating couples and provides concrete solutions for addressing them effectively. Using the revolutionary choice theory and reality therapy approaches to couples counseling, the book shows clinicians how to combine a relationship-based approach with the pragmatism of cognitive-behavior therapies. Both experienced and beginning clinicians will find Contemporary Issues in Couples Counseling ideal for helping clients focus on the here and now, not the past, and for creating treatment plans that meet clients' individual needs while also addressing the needs of their partners.

I

Choice Theory and Reality Therapy

1

INTRODUCTION TO CHOICE THEORY AND REALITY THERAPY

Robert E. Wubbolding and Patricia A. Robey

INTRODUCTION

Why is there occasional or chronic pain in friendships, marriage, and all human relationships? how can individuals improve these relationships and increase intimacy, thereby diminishing stress? Choice theory and reality therapy offer both an explanation and possible choices for improving human alliances, interpersonal bonds for fulfilling the innate need for belonging. The use of choice theory and reality therapy provides both a map and specific useful tools for enhancing relationships, especially if both parties subscribe to and practice the principles contained in these life-changing ideas. A relationship built on choice theory and reality therapy leads to a sense of belonging, inner control, freedom, enjoyment, and increased contentment.

Relationships, especially marriage, fail when one of the partners attempts to control the other person to a degree unacceptable to that person. For example, one spouse dominates the other by refusing to negotiate differences and bulldozes decisions that affect both of them. When the submissive person believes that such controlling behaviors are unacceptable, the relationship begins to crumble. The second reason relationships fail is varying degrees of incompatibility in their respective quality worlds. For instance, a person with a high desire or want for freedom or independence might seek a lifestyle filled with autonomous activities or other behaviors from which the partner recoils and thus the relationship is strained, damaged, or even ruined.

CHOICE THEORY

Theologians might explain dysfunctional relationships as due to original sin. Because of human weakness, people are prone to shatter their lives to a greater or lesser degree. Sociologists would elaborate on the failing of society to provide proper supports and the temporary nature of relationships as evidenced in the mobility of families. Psychoanalytic therapists might emphasize the lack of balance between ego, id, and superego as well as unconscious conflicts due to early childhood relationships. Cognitive theory would emphasize irrational thinking as the root cause of conflict when partners indulge in self-talk statements such as the world must arrange itself so that I experience only pleasure.

Conversely, choice theory offers a positive but not naïve view of human nature—a comprehensive explanation of personal problems, personal growth, and interpersonal relationships. It stresses current motivation rather than past experiences. It emphasizes conscious drives rather than attempts to resolve unconscious and unresolved illusive fantasies. It is a “here and now” theory expressed in jargon-free language understandable to clients, students, and licensed professionals. People wishing to learn choice theory read books about it, attend training seminars, and seek professional consultation.

Origin

William Glasser, MD (1998), developed choice theory from a cybernetic theory that has existed for many decades. Norbert Wiener (1948, 1950) described the human mind as a negative feedback input control system. A rocket is such a system. When it “perceives” that it is heading off target, it provides information to the targeting mechanism that corrects its course. Similarly, human behavior aims at impacting the external world so as to gain input.

Glasser’s immediate predecessor, William Powers (1973), expanded what was called “control theory” or “control system theory” in his landmark book, Behavior, the Control of Perception. He asserted that human behaviors originate within human beings and are therefore not thrust upon them from the external world. Furthermore, how human beings behave toward their external environment (i.e., the collection of their experiences toward their external world) determines their perceptions of it. Because of the emphasis on behavior as a choice and because of the introduction of five human needs driving human choice, Glasser (1998) changed the name of his interpretation of control theory to choice theory.

Human Motivation

As seen from the perspective of choice theory, the human mind functions as a control system. The analogy of the rocket helps to understand the goal centeredness of human behavior and its ability to correct itself. Another useful analogy is that of the thermostat. This mechanism controls its environment (i.e., gains a “perception” of its impact on the world around it). If the thermostat is set at 70 degrees, it sends a signal to the furnace or air conditioner to generate goal-centered and specific behaviors. The result is that the environment matches the thermostat’s “desire.” By analogy, it can be said that the thermostat has attained its goal of maneuvering its external world to make it congruent with its internal “wants.” The thermostat, therefore, perceives that it is successful.

An interesting sidelight is that the control system can be fooled. If a match is held under the thermometer, the thermostat will read an inaccurate message and will mistakenly adjust the room temperature. A human relationship suffers stress and strain when one person functions under the erroneous illusion that “all is well” between the parties. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, and other addictions, as well as extramarital affairs, can appear to satisfy an individual and yet poison the relationship. It is as though one party in the relationship lit a fire under his or her thermostat.

Human Needs

Glasser (1998, 2005) has provided a schema of five individual human motivators signifying the internal nature of human behavior. He sees these as genetic and universal human needs. This array of internal motivators common to all people links humanity together by crossing age, ethnic, racial, and gender differences. The needs are general, not specific, and they include the possibility of many additions and extensions. For example, the third need, power or achievement, could include the ongoing propensity to learn and to attain an increasing amount of knowledge.

Survival, Self-Preservation Most fundamental to human motivation is the need to continue living. The human body seeks to preserve itself in a variety of ways. It digests food, it circulates blood, it shivers when it is cold, it perspires when it is hot, and, without a conscious choice, it inhales and exhales. Human beings develop more conscious and sophisticated survival behaviors in the context of helpful or even threatening circumstances.

As with all the human needs, survival contains interpersonal and social implications. Related to this fundamental need is human sexuality, its urges and yearnings. Consequently, the sex drive plays an important role not only for the pleasure of individuals but also for the continuance of the human race.

Belonging, Love, Affiliation As human beings grow in maturity, they express their need for connectedness with others. Couples approaching counselors and therapists most often do so because they are unable to satisfy this pervasive need. They feel distant from each other. This estrangement can be expressed by arguing, blaming, criticizing, demeaning, and many other toxic behaviors. No matter what the presenting issue, the reality therapist can usually begin with an exploration of the couple’s interactions (i.e., how they treat each other verbally and nonverbally). Through the counseling process, their respective needs for belonging are met and their relationship improves.

Power, Achievement, Inner Control In general terms, the word power has come to imply dominance, exploitation, and even ruthlessness. Yet, as used in the practice of reality therapy, its meaning is rooted in the French pouvoir or, in Spanish, poder—“to be capable or able.” Power is a wider concept than belonging in that it includes many subcategories such as having a sense of inner control, self-esteem, and recognition. People released from hospitals cured of their ailments or injuries feel a sense of power or inner control. And though power can be satisfied by winning a competitive game or sport, it can also be satisfied when a person gains a sense of personal accomplishment irrespective of another person’s victory or defeat. The concept of power is broader than that of competition.

In utilizing the concept of power in counseling, the reality therapist takes special note of the couple’s effort to satisfy their individual needs by attempting to control the other party. This power struggle often lies at the basis of relationship conflicts. Behavioral symptoms include disagreements about money, sex, lifestyle, and family, as well as an unlimited number of other issues.

Freedom, Independence, Autonomy Another human motivator is the drive to make choices, to stand on one’s own two feet, and to function without undue external constraints. Because of the emphasis on the ability to make choices, Glasser (1998) changed the name of the theory from control theory to choice theory, thereby correcting a misunderstanding that control meant controlling other people.

No matter how dire the circumstances or how victimized and trapped clients feel, reality therapists help them see that they have at least some ability to make choices and to fulfill their needs more effectively. This book contains examples of clients initially feeling out of control who come to the belief that they have more control than they first perceived.

Fun, Enjoyment Aristotle defined a human being as a creature that is risible, one that can laugh. A crucial characteristic of mentally healthy people is that they enjoy life. They fulfill their need for fun.

Reality therapists often explore this need by such statements as, “Tell me about the last time you had a hearty laugh.” This exploration touches on a deep human quality. Especially effective with depressed clients, this inquiry indirectly teaches clients that there are alternatives to their feelings of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. If at one time they were able to enjoy life, even momentarily, it is possible that they can achieve at least some enjoyment in the future.

In summary, the human needs constitute the engines of human behavior. Choices spring from these sources and are attempts to satisfy them. The human needs are general—not specific, universal—not culture limited, innate—not learned, and inevitable in the sense that they motivate all behavior. Reality therapists often use this need schema as an informal diagnostic tool and explore with clients which needs are effectively satisfied or unsatisfied. They then assist clients to make more effective choices for fulfilling their own needs and the needs of other people significant to them.

Quality World and Scales

Emerging from the human need system, individuals develop specific pictures or wants that touch on each need. A want for a relationship with a specific person is based on the need for belonging. A want for success in a particular career connects with the need for power. Engaging in a variety of activities or having a range of choices satisfies the need for freedom, while hobbies and leisure time activities are related to fun. Because these precise wants or pictures are internally satisfying, they are said to have quality.

This collection of precise wants, which includes core values and beliefs, is identified as the quality world. It is analogous to a mental picture album. This comparison is also analogous to a drawer containing specific folders. At a given moment, we desire to review the contents of a folder. In other words, we compare what we want, the image of holding a specific folder, with what we have when we are not yet in possession of it. This comparison is also analogous to an out-of-balance scale: We want something but we do not have it. Couples often have many unfulfilled wants. They have scales intensely out of balance regarding their relationship. The reality therapist’s task is multiple: help them accept this imbalance, focus on scales that can be realistically put in balance, or develop behaviors aimed at balancing the scales in question.

Total Behavior

Choice theory embraces an uncommon definition of behavior. It refers not only to actions but also to cognition, emotions, and physiology or bodily functioning. Therefore, behavior is a composite. It is total. When the mental scales are out of balance, the mind generates total behavior. Actions are accompanied by thoughts, feelings, and at least some physiological exertion. Reaching into the file drawer involves extending the arm, thinking about how to open the drawer and where to find the file, feelings of hope, and slight changes in physiology. Reality therapists explore the many more complicated behaviors presented by couples: their common activities, their common or conflicted thinking or self-talk, their shared or opposing emotions that focus on their relationship. The skilled practitioner sees these behaviors as choices and treats them as if they are choices, even if the couple seems to have little control over specific total behaviors such as feelings of anger, depression, resentment, or indifference.

Perception

Total behaviors chosen by couples are not aimless. Rather, they serve a purpose. All behavior is an attempt to impact our external world for the purpose of gaining something from it. Human beings seek perceptions: the perception of having a satisfying relationship, of a successful career, of being independent or free, of enjoying life. Human beings seek a relationship with another person especially for the purpose of gaining the perception of loving and being loved. Many couples seek counseling because they perceive that their need for love, belonging, connectedness, and affiliation has become strained.

The storehouse of perceptions, analogous to the entire file cabinet, contains not merely wants (i.e., the quality world). It also holds memories, as well as mental projections of future events. These can be pleasant and desirable, unplea...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• CONTENTS
• SERIES EDITOR’S FOREWORD
• PREFACE
• EDITORS
• CONTRIBUTORS
• PART I Choice Theory and Reality Therapy
• PART II Issues and Applications
• PART III Proactive Approaches to Good Couple Relationships
• PART IV Conclusion
• Glossary
• Index