Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen

Theo Schoenaker, R. John Huber, Jutta Street, Sandra Lose

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2011
• eBook ISBN: 9781136931178
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Available in English for the first time, Encouragement Makes Good Things Happen is a translation of the bestselling German book Mut Tut Gut. It describes a courageous and encouraging style of living and focuses on the belief that human encouragement is the most important natural ingredient for the healthy development of human beings. Written in an engaging and conversational tone, the book first explores the negative consequences of discouragement on the individual and on society as a whole. It then discusses what encouragement is, why it is important in people's lives, and how a person can encourage both himself and others. Several exercises are also included to help guide readers in the encouragement of others. Mental health practitioners of all disciplines and in any setting will find that both they are their clients will benefit from the insights garnered and tested by the author of this engaging and compelling book.

1

THE DISCOURAGED SOCIETY

Social Changes

Large social changes on our increasingly smaller planet are occurring at a rapid pace. The direction of these changes is unmistakable—toward democracy with the recognition of human rights and equality. Much of this has already occurred in the Western world. Everywhere, the old structures that were maintained by power and force have crumbled. Politics, religion, and racial segregation, as well as marriage, are changing in the same manner.

The time for suppression and instruction based on mere obedience has passed. Humans everywhere are consciously claiming their right to live as equals with others by demanding to be recognized as fellow humans and be taken seriously. They want to make decisions in cooperation with others independent of age, gender, race, and religion; our children and adolescents expect the same.

Adults, educated by force with such phrases as “you must” and “you may not,” have had no other model but this approach. When threatened, they use the style of discipline they learned from their parents. Teachers and other leaders are also inclined to drop back to these old models of guidance and education if they are afraid of losing their power and influence.

It is the same in marriages, families, schools, workplaces, and societies. Battles, repression, and injustices set the stage for political dictators by making people discouraged with others and themselves; they must be rejected outright.

Nevertheless, there are some choices and options that provide democratic methods and motivate us to solve problems. These methods, moreover, are free from the strife and controversy that result in the devaluation of the individual; they lead to long-lasting solutions to problems that help one to develop courage and confidence.

If one believes in the possibilities that exist in himself and others, it will be possible to make societal progress. Only when a person is demoralized and discouraged and doubts his chances in life and his place in society will he turn to the useless side of life with emphasis on inability, maladjustment, and sickness. Encouragement can be the driving force for favorable development because a life bent on the incorrect path can finally be set straight. Criticism and negative evaluation over time can lead one to believe that the resultant feelings of discouragement are true assessments of himself. In this context, encouragement appears strange. It is no surprise, therefore, that this wonderful medicine is not wisely applied by medical practitioners. The resistance to democracy is the greatest where the fear of freedom is also the greatest. It is the same with encouragement. Encouragement, nevertheless, is one of the central factors of healthy living. Without it, progress cannot take place; but with it, self-reliance and maturity will occur naturally. Security is lost by discouragement.

Many people feel that their life is more or less all right, though aware of their own feelings of inferiority. No one can say they have enough courage and confidence. During our childhoods, most of us learned merely to be good and not be annoying as opposed to learning courage, confidence, and bravery.

The following are examples of very normal individuals who have done fairly well in their lives:

When I was a child and wanted to try something out, either my mother or grandmother would say, “Be careful not to fail. Be careful not to break something. Be careful not to catch a cold.” If, in spite of these warnings, I acted defiantly, I heard in loud and punishing tones, “I have already said not to do that!” I still hear those voices today and they make me anxious and insecure.

People with good intentions would say again and again, “You are too small [young], when you are grown, you may do that.” Yet later, I never heard my parents say, “You’re big enough, go ahead.”

My brother, who was one year younger, had more courage than me. If something was to be done and I wanted to give it a try, my parents would say, “Let Fred do it. He can do it better.” One time when Fred wasn’t there, I wanted to try something [and] my parents said, “Wait until Fred is here, you can’t do it.” I was in conflict, I stubbornly wanted to try but I was also anxious. I gave it a shot and it clearly did not go well. When Fred arrived, he once again did it almost perfectly and I was in a rage. To this day, when I face a new task, I think everybody else can do it better than I can. Thus, I feel incapable of taking on a new job.

I was five before attending school; I heard that my aunt would come see us in the afternoon. I said, “I want to pick her up.” Everyone began to laugh and my big cousin said, “You want to? You’re an inch too small.” I felt put down and ashamed. Today I am reluctant to say that I want to do something. I use phrases like, “If you have nothing against it, I will do it with pleasure.” I will not ask even my dearest friends for help.

From the beginning I felt over and over that barriers were erected against the physical expression of attraction. I was perhaps eight years old when my very prudish parents decided to adopt a modern approach toward children. The effects of this change were so extreme that for a time they ran around the apartment naked or half naked. My father would go to the bathroom with me. I remember when my mother came into the room topless and I encouraged her to let me kiss her breasts as she approached me because they were so wonderfully soft. She pushed me back and it was clear that one doesn’t do such a thing. This impression still sticks with me and perhaps explains the difficulty I have with women and physical contact.

We all learned in various manners to think that we can’t do things and that we are not good enough. We have lost courage and acquired fear. This all continues in the same manner in school. The teacher most likely has our welfare at heart when he or she corrects our schoolwork and points out our mistakes and failures. We, however, become impressed with thoughts and feelings such as, “I’m not smart,” “I’m messed up,” “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t be successful,” and “I’m stupid!” We feel that the teacher only notices our mistakes. I know many adults who no longer wish to or try to learn more because they think they are dumb, and I know others who strive all of their lives to learn, but all of the good test grades and degrees did not convince them that they were not dumb.

In adulthood, we are also expected to prove how good we are on a daily basis. Growing up we have, of course, developed many fears and feelings of inferiority. But, we have developed strategies to protect our errors and inferiorities. We have, moreover, learned that we are only worthwhile if we are perfect, wonderful, and outstanding. Only, we know all too well how imperfect we are. Even though we are thirsting for encouragement, we are unable to encourage ourselves. We have learned how to be discouraged so well that in our daily internal dialogue (self-talk) we repeat the lesson we learned in childhood—we are not good enough! We do this endlessly in a variety of ways and we actually believe that we are not worthwhile. These semiconscious thoughts block our creativity and steal from us the joy of daily living and the ability to solve the tasks of life. It is as if the air has been let out of our balloon and we do not have the courage to face new tasks and responsibilities. The self-destructive thoughts, “I am not good enough,” and “I do not have what it takes,” become self-fulfilling prophecies.

The process just described produces tension, resistance, and controversy. The traditional methods of discipline and education, grounded on reward and punishment in order to bring the child under the direction of an authority figure, are becoming increasingly less effective because they go against the principle of cooperation and equal respect that every adult and child unconsciously ardently desires.

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Little Phillip, only 6 months old, lies ensconced in his basket during a party and looks confidently out with beaming eyes. A guest remarks, “He has no inferiority feelings.” Another states,¹ “No, those must be put in him.”

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The Development of Inferiority Feelings

Human beings are all social creatures with a desire to feel that they belong to the community in which they live. With this feeling either at home or in the workplace, for example, we will be successful in the tasks in which we engage. We will speak and work in a considerate manner with others for the well-being of all without wondering whether we are good or bad. We simply feel good and have our place. Who was so lucky to have these feelings in their family of origin? If they did, they could come into adulthood feeling on par with others and a significant part of humankind.

Unfortunately, many of us grow up in families where we are merely tolerated and are led to believe that we are just too annoying. Others even learn that it would have been better had they never been born. The feeling that we belong is the belief that one has a place and meaning in his family or group. For most of us, this is not the case. In many instances, we feel that we do not belong and are not equal to others. Our energy and creativity are stifled because we are busy worrying about our place, our meaning, our problems, and how accepted we are. As children, many of us reached the conclusion that we are not worthwhile and receive no credit for what we do, and this pattern of thought continues into adulthood. We feel that we are born with no special talents and will therefore achieve nothing particularly worthwhile. Life, in short, is made tough by our feelings of inferiority.

Inferiority feelings are the consequence of a series of discouraging experiences that lead to the mistaken conclusion that, “I am not good enough.” Children do not come into this world with such feelings. These inferiority feelings, according to Rudolf Dreikurs (1967), are the most important problems that a modern person must face. They can be overcome by parenting and education that emphasize cooperation and promote empathy.

It is possible that as a child you were so spoiled that it was not possible to try and experience your own strength and as a result you still believe that either you cannot do things or others must do them for you. It is possible that you felt either neglected or rejected and feel today that you live in an unjust, hostile world. Perhaps you felt as if you always had to walk on eggshells and were not good enough—if only you could be better. It is possible that you lost your trust through the early loss of someone important in your life. One can even feel this loss with the birth of someone you feel has stolen your mother’s love.

There are many opportunities to increase one’s feelings of inferiority, but they always lead to our penchant for comparing ourselves to others and overestimating their abilities and places in life. Because the need to belong and to be part of the community is a basic human desire, inferiority feelings from this need involve a disappointment and suffering of the deepest kind.

Fortunately, most individuals have only had bad experiences in certain aspects of their lives and thus feel inadequate only in these areas and the tasks associated with them. Others, however, are discouraged about everything and can see no way to feel fortunate about anything. This is the basis for the unconscious destruction of opportunities and possibilities, primarily the result of a faulty self-portrait.

This self-portrait is an opinion we have about ourselves that was formed during our early childhood, the very first few years of our lives. This pessimistic picture is not easy to change when one has reached adulthood. Indeed, this view that one is incapable becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This concept of our self even hinders our attempts to be accepted. We also hinder ourselves in our attempts to help others because of the ever persistent thoughts, “I am not good enough and I do not belong.” These thoughts are stronger than the idea “I can help.”

When one feels inferior, small, and underprivileged, as we all know, we have the tendency to make others small. We criticize others when we feel inferior and we devalue others when we have devalued ourselves. The chain of inferiority thus is ever being forged, link by link. In such a manner divisions are made when, out of necessity, we should work together. The animosity among nations, races, ethnic groups, religions, and genders can all be seen in this light.

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Someone came to Socrates and said, “Listen up, I have something important to tell you about your friend.” “Just a minute,” said Socrates, breaking in. “Before telling me, have you put this story through the three filters?” “What three filters?” said the person. Socrates said, “The first filter is the truth. Have you made sure what you are about to say is the truth?” “No, I heard it from another,” replied the other. “Now then, the second filter is charity. Do you wish to report this story from a charitable motive in your heart?” The person had to be silent. “The third filter and final filter is utility. Do you think this story will be useful in any way to me or my friend?” The other was left speechless and went away.

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Malicious Gossip

Malicious gossip is the talk about the failings and weaknesses of others in their absence. Malicious gossip is so prevalent today that I sometimes ask myself, what would people talk about if they didn’t put each other down?

If we were in a group of people who thought well of each other simply because they had no other information, then we would have an atmosphere conducive to constructive, cooperative work and experience. If someone were to leave the room for 15 minutes and if we were to use those 15 minutes to talk about that person, the atmosphere would change. If the person who left were described in an overly positive manner, some would be pleased but others would be jealous. Or, if the discussion focused on the weaknesses and faults of the other, in order to point out abnormalities and an untrustworthy nature, then, too, the atmosphere would change.

In both instances, the person would no longer be as welcome in our circle and in a sense has been deserted. You could have undoubtedly been in this or similar situations. With luck, you have not been the victim of a situation like this, because it habitually destroys relationships. The following is an experience of one who was an early participant in encouragement training:

I am an enthusiastic hiker, and quite often a friend and I would go hiking with two women. The day before yesterday, my friend was unable to go at the last moment and so was one of the other women. So, the one woman and I went together and during the hike she told me all the complaints she had about her husband, plus all the odd things he did in his private life. I noticed and heard that she felt relieved. This she affirmed with a deep sigh of relief. It was as if the problem at that moment were lost. I have not told her that I now have the problem that I can no longer look her comfortably in the eye. I liked, appreciated, and laughed with him. Personally, I feel burdened and do not know how to get rid of this burden. Should I discuss this with him? He is such a close friend that his private life concerns me. Is he not what he seems to be? What should I do if it comes up in conversation? Do I try to talk with her and let things be? It won’t be possible to merely erase the conversation. For me the fun of hiking with this group is ruined.

Malicious gossip is poisonous to the atmosphere in the family, workplace, and society. It is also poisonous to the readiness to cooperate and is poison to people living harmoniously with one and another. It fuels callousness and backwardness. Such malicious talk often springs from jealousy and envy.

With vile gossip, we hope to make our competitors smaller, weaker, and less important than ourselves. This is true with amateur athletes and actors who constantly seek to profit by underscoring the faults and weaknesses of their competitors. The same is only too obvious in politics. Malicious gossip is also likely to develop because of injuries and poor treatment that we have experienced. We wish to validate our opinions in every conversation. So, we look for a “friend” when we express our views; but, we do not understand that we are weighing that person down with such a relationship. It may be that we have a false notion of what friendship truly means. Certainly, friendships cannot be about loading the other with muck and mire with which we have not finished. Certainly it is that one can have a common enemy and this can connect people—this is even true in marriage. But, is this good? It is often wise to not comment on everything. Indeed, thinking before speaking is one of the bases of true wisdom. Note the following example.

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It is Sunday evening; he calls a friend. He has concerns and difficulties with others and is more than eager to pour his heart out.

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It would break the unspoken code of friendship if the one who received the call said, “I don’t want to hear this.” Nevertheless, if you want your friend to be happy, let him have a little bit of your happiness. Do you want to burden him with your complaints about an acquaintance you have in common? Then, he will have your complaints in addition and it will make things worse. In this case, less may be more. Maybe it is better that way because we are all responsible for our own mental health. Moreover, have you carefully considered what the other will do with what you tell him?

Many people believe that if we have problems with someone it is better to share it with a third person. Is this true? Can problems you heap on others do you good? What do you think? If you don’t take things so seriously and do not listen to gossip, then the faults of others will not be magnified and you will not encourage the informant to maintain a bad attitude about others and develop a destructive habit. This can all be completely refocused if you say at the beginning of the conversation, “Please help me find out what I have done wrong to create this problem with him. I’d like to know what I can do.” In this manner you can be seen as a helper who understands that the problem could lie within yourself because of false perceptions and a lack of information. This is the essential principle that undergirds counseling and help. A conversation l...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Foreword
• Acknowledgments
• Why this Book was Written
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• References from the German Edition
• References for Translators’ Notes