Duped

Lies and Deception in Psychotherapy

Jeffrey Kottler, Jon Carlson, Jeffrey Kottler, Jon Carlson

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN:
  9780415876230
• eBook ISBN:
  9781135163464
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

In this book, Jeffrey Kottler and Jon Carlson turn their well-polished therapy microscopes onto the subjects of lying, falsehood, deceit, and the loss of trust in the counseling room. What do clients lie about and why? When do therapists mislead or withhold information from their clients? What does it all mean? In their exploration of this taboo material, the authors interview and share stories from dozens of their peers from all practice areas and modalities and ranging from neophytes to established master practitioners. Their stories and reflections cast some light on this fascinating topic and will help to start a more honest dialogue about difficult subject matter.

Chapter 1

Introduction

What Is Truth in Psychotherapy?

A new client walks in your office. He is meticulously dressed in a business suit that appears well worn, carrying a briefcase loaded with files. He is obviously an executive or lawyer of some sort, but he seems preoccupied and stressed. Your first reaction is that he seems depressed.

“How can I help you?” you begin the session, settling into your chair.

“Well, it’s a little hard to explain,” the client says, a bit cautious and hesitant.

You just nod and wait.

“I don’t know. I suppose it’s mostly trouble at work. I’m a litigator, you see.” As he says this he points to his briefcase overflowing with papers.

“Go on,” you prompt, still trying to find a handle on what’s going on.

“I handle mostly environmental law, you know, companies in supposed violation of certain laws.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yes?” you encourage him to continue.

“But it’s not only that.” Long pause. “It’s other stuff too.”
“What kind of other stuff?”

The client looks downward, shuffles his feet, unsure how to continue. You can tell he’s really struggling about how to tell you what’s happening in his life, but one thing you know for sure is that it’s about a lot more than just his job.

“I’ve got a few health problems too, you could say.”

“What kind of health problems?”

“Well, cancer for one.”

“That sounds like plenty by itself,” you observe.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “That is plenty. But there are also some complications, you know, like death.”

“You have a terminal diagnosis?”

He nods and tears well up in his eyes.

“It must be hard to talk about this?”

Another nod.

“Well,” you continue, not sure where to go next. “What would you like some help with?”

“Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath, “it’s like this. Sure, the cancer is definitely on my mind. It’s pancreatic by the way, so there’s really not much point in treatment. And my work is so stressful that I can’t catch my breath. But I’m mostly concerned about my family.”

“Tell me about your family.”

The client smiles for the first time. “My wife and I have been married six years. We have a four-year-old, and my wife is now pregnant with our baby that’s due in four months. The thing is, I don’t know if I’ll still be around to ever know my daughter when she’s born.”

Yikes, what a case! Ten minutes into the first session and you already feel overwhelmed with all the issues that have been raised. There’s work stress, and terminal illness, and end-of-life issues, and the guy just seems completely lost. He seems distracted, frequently looking at the papers in his briefcase as if whatever is in there is more important that anything else. It’s hard to keep his attention for more than a minute at a time.

But here’s the thing: It’s all a lie. The man is not a lawyer, not dying of cancer, and not married. In fact, he’s homeless. Just this morning he found the old suit and briefcase in a dumpster and decided to try them on for size. It inspired him to test these new accessories and see if he could fool someone into thinking he was really respectable. And not just anyone, but he thought he’d try out his new act on the toughest audience possible—a professional who specializes in reading, assessing, diagnosing, and recognizing deception.

This could only be a piece of innocent fun, or perhaps simply an entry to get some help in an indirect way, but the masquerade would continue for several months. Each visit the client would tell a new story about his deteriorating health, his fictitious family problems, his cases in court, all of them fantasy.

So, the question is: What does all this mean?

The foundation of counseling and psychotherapy is based on trust—not just trust in the therapist, but just as critically, trust in the client. One basic assumption of any helping relationship is that what the client shares in sessions, the life story as well as description of symptoms and presenting problems, are reasonably accurate. Furthermore, when clients tell us what is going on in their lives— that they have been abused; that they are suffering from depression or cancer or neglect; that they are a lawyer, carpenter, or teacher; that they are homeless or wealthy, a twin or an only child; that they are a victim of posttraumatic stress, bullying, or a war injury—we are mostly inclined to believe them. Generally speaking, we expect clients to be reasonably honest in their disclosures, at least within certain parameters. But what happens when we discover that the whole relationship we think we created is a sham? What does it mean when we discover that most of what we believe we know and understand about a client was all a lie? How do we make sense of an experience in which most of what we were told was complete fiction, designed to deceive, manipulate, or play games?

Can we ever really know if our clients are telling the truth? And just as critically: How much does this matter? Professional practice tells us that we need to trust client’s and believe in them in order to maintain a helping relationship. Yet there are times (maybe many times) when our clients could not or would not even be honest with us. Not even honest with their therapist! Yes, we were duped! What do therapists do when this occurs? How do they handle the disappointment, frustration, and feelings of betrayal?

Lest we become too critical of the clients who dupe us, it is also important to remember that we lie as well. We lie to our clients when we promise them outcomes we aren’t sure we can deliver or when we deliver false hope. We lie in the case notes when we make sessions sound more organized, intentional, and effective than they really were. We lie to our colleagues and supervisors when we cover up mistakes and failures. We lie to ourselves all the time about our own imperfections and shortcomings. Researchers and theoreticians, or those who have a vested interest in their own model, may exaggerate their effectiveness and minimize their weaknesses. In addition, there are times that we dupe our clients into believing in a new way to get the most from life.

About This Book

This book explores the challenging aspects of deception in psychotherapy through a collection of actual cases in which clients duped their therapists in a variety of ways. Through these stories, the contributors, from a broad range of work settings and professional orientations, describe different tales of deception in psychotherapy in which clients lied to, or significantly misled them, over a period of time. Such deception is rarely discussed in the literature and, except for a few books, has been all but ignored.

We contacted a wide variety of clinicians to best understand this therapeutic phenomenon. Each contributor was asked to respond to the following instructions: Tell the story of a time in which you were duped, misled, deceived, or lied to by a client over a period of time. Describe what happened by including (1) what happened, (2) how you reacted, (3) what sense you made of the experience, and (4) what you learned.

We were not surprised that several people turned down our invitation. Although we realize that there are probably many things that might contribute to the reluctance to participate, we wondered if the fear of being discovered as a fake or fraud might be primary. Maybe they were afraid of being thought of as someone who doesn’t do everything perfectly, or that maybe they really don’t know what they are doing, or that they might be opening up Pandora’s box and it will never be forgotten. Some might be thinking that they would somehow be admitting that they don’t know what they are doing and that they will be in serious trouble with their licensing board!

One former contributor to a few of our previous projects stated that he or she loved the idea but could not remember a time with any of the thousands of clients he or she had seen in which the clients were not truthful with them. This was followed by a further confession that he or she never really thought about whether clients tell the truth or not and isn’t particularly interested in the subject. Another potential contributor said that he or she would very much like to participate but couldn’t think of a time in which he or she had ever been duped by a client, but perhaps we’d be interested in a case from someone else he or she knows. Others we contacted said they would like to contribute a story but that they didn’t have time.

What is most interesting to us is that these are really all lies. How likely is it that, “given my circumstances,” someone doesn’t have a free hour or two to do this? What they seem to be saying is: “This doesn’t interest me” or “This scares me” or just plain “I’d prefer not to do this.” I suppose they were trying to be polite, but the excuses from some were so weak. We are all so used to lying that it is second nature. But many of these same individuals claim that their clients don’t lie to them!

It seems like many therapists and counselors are just unaware of clients duping them with their stories. Perhaps the blindness is due to narcissism or perhaps to constructions of reality that don’t allow for this perception. Fortunately, many clinicians did provide diverse and fascinating stories of deception in counseling and therapy. We urge you to read through the stories and compare them with your own experiences. Be aware of the many ways deception occurs, the various reasons for lying, the therapist’s responses, and the outcome.

Contributions in the Book

We were fortunate to receive contributions from a diverse sample of the professional helping community. We selected professionals who were theoreticians, supervisors, practitioners, researchers, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, marriage and family therapists, psychologists, and professors. They work in universities, clinics, crisis centers, mental health centers, hospitals, schools, and private practice. They live in different countries around the world.

We begin the collection with our own stories. Jeffrey describes a long-term case of deception with a woman who went to great lengths to penetrate various aspects of his life. Jon’s case involved a woman who rewarded his extraordinary attempts to help her by writing to the state licensing board and claiming that he did many unethical behaviors, including soliciting sex.

Gary Brooks describes his belief in an abusive male who claimed to be a loving partner. Chen Oren describes being recruited for a consulting job by a mysterious client. Jen Grzegorek was involved with a dramatic college-age client who was making a game out of therapy. Howard Rosenthal helps us to learn how the entire therapy community was duped by one of the icons of our profession.

Len Sperry describes how some lies kill people as he shares some insight into the methods used by mass murderer Jeffrey Dahmer. Shea Dunham follows with a story that emphasizes the role of culture in truth and deception. Bill O’Hanlon tells of a case in which a client actually stole his identity!

Michael Hoyt learned the real story of his client when he caught the man having an affair. Mark Stevens describes how accepting deception may be necessary in working with substance abusers. Katherine Helm offers a case of long-term therapy with a client who omitted to mention that she had a major substance abuse problem.

George Burns describes a case in which his client lied to obtain an insurance settlement from an accident. Aaron Rochlen treated a man who never mentioned that he was dying from a terminal illness. Bret Moore presents a military story where a man lied to avoid a dangerous assignment.

Shannon Dermer was able to find something positive in the treatment of a family after being deceived. Cyrus Ellis focused on one problem with his client and missed the bigger and more serious one. Ann Vernon worked with an anorexic client that wore ankle weights to appear to be gaining weight.

Jeffrey Barnett described how he learned firsthand the games substance abusers play. Barry Duncan had to decide who was truthful, the adulterous wife or the paranoid husband. Patricia Robey worked with a client for two years before the truth emerged.

John Barletta worked with a depressed woman who waited until the final session before detailing her ongoing sexual affair with her son. Adam Zagelbaum’s story involves a counselor who was being used by a student to avoid responsibility. Dan Eckstein describes being duped in a business consultation.

James Robert Bitter discovered his female client was telling the truth and not having an affair with a man—but he forgot to ask about having an affair with a woman. Bill Knaus became more cautious and skeptical when he relearned that disturbing people do disturbing things. Paul Peluso describes a case in which he was not only deceived by the client, but also by himself.

Christine Maguth Nezu describes a case where she was duped by the legal/court system. Fred Rabinowitz shares how therapists lose their objectivity when the clients’ stories touch their fantasies. Jill Duba trusted too much and had to worry about possible legal, ethics, and licensure problems.

Stacee Reicherzer talks about working with a client who faked a medical problem. Orah Krug describes a case in which she wanted to believe that the husband was not having an affair. Byron Waller shares a story where he gave the benefit of the doubt to a sex perpetrator.

George Stricker was challenged by whether different realities in a family are really deception or alternative realities. Frances Asha focused on trusting her client and had to cope with looking foolish. Robert Smith worked with a student who was not only lying but also coming to treatment on drugs.

Nancy Fishman offers a story in which she learned that pedestals are for fine porcelain and not people. John Walsh talks about a client who was a professional impersonator and yet his lies, like those of many clients, hold deep truths and reflect hidden wounds. In the final story, Spencer Niles offers a powerful conclusion to the theme of being duped, which is followed by our own discussion of the themes that emerged and lessons learned.

We are proud to share this impressive collection of actual stories on deception from the therapy world. We hope that they help you to create more awareness and sensitivity to your clients and the complex messages they send. We appreciate their willingness to share these snippets from their professional lives so we can all learn from these often painful, sometimes amusing, experiences.

Acknowledgments

We wish to thank Howard Rosenthal for the original idea for this book, which was conceived after he had read Kottler’s previous book about a one-year helping relationship may very well have been based on a complete lie (The Assassin and the Therapist: An Exploration of Truth in Therapy and in Life). Upon reading the manuscript, Howard encouraged us to collect stories from other therapists describing a time in which they were duped. We also wish to express our continued appreciation and respect for our long-time editor at Routledge, Dana Bliss, who has joined us on so many of these interesting journeys.

Jeffrey Kottler
Huntington Beach, California

Jon Carlson
Lake Geneva, Wisconsin

Chapter 2

How Well Do We Really Know Our Clients?

Jeffrey Kottler

I suppose the first thing I should admit is that I am a trusting soul and prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, my clients most of all. I believe strongly that the best therapy takes place when there is mutual trust in the relationship, when I feel sufficient “safety” that I am free to take risks, try new things, use immediacy and constructive confrontation as needed, and generally be as creative as I can to collaborate with my clients while we make breakthroughs together. With that said, I am hardly naïve or gullible with so many years of working with diverse clients in many different settings and contexts.

The whole idea behind this book emerged while working on its predecessor, in which I explored the nature of truth in therapy (Kottler, 2010). I told the story of one extraordinary case of (probable) deception in a long-term helping relationship that may very well have been based on a complete lie in which the client made up a story of his life to keep me engaged and entertained. Wanting reassurance I was not alone, it seemed logical to invite others to tell their own stories.

Although there have been some reports in the literature about lying in therapy (Billig, 1991; Gediman & Leiberman, 1996; Grohol, 2008; Hansen, 2007; Lynn & Nash, 1994; Newman & Strauss, 2003; Smith, 1993; Spence, 1984), it is generally not a topic that we like to talk about much. One some level, it feels like being duped by clients reflects some sort of n...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• About the Editors
• Chapter 1: Introduction
• Chapter 2: How Well Do We Really Know Our Clients?
• Chapter 3: Why I Do What I Do
• Chapter 4: Treating Traditional Men
• Chapter 5: Opportunities with a Side of Fries
• Chapter 6: Smoke and Mirrors
• Chapter 7: When Therapists Lie to Promote Their Own Agendas
• Chapter 8: Duped, Drugged, and Eaten
• Chapter 9: The Client with Amnesia
• Chapter 10: Credit Denied and Denial
• Chapter 11: Never Ever—I Love You!
• Chapter 12: The Dance of Optimism and Skepticism
• Chapter 13: Grateful for the Lessons Learned
• Chapter 14: Cheating at Solitaire
• Chapter 15: What Clients Talk About—and what They Don’t
• Chapter 16: Saving Private Joe
• Chapter 17: Rita’s Rib and a Puzzle Decoded
• Chapter 18: Running Out of Gas when You Have a Long Way to Go
• Chapter 19: Weighing in with the Truth?
• Chapter 20: Learning From Lies at the Therapist’s School of Hard Knocks
• Chapter 21: Cut the Crap
• Chapter 22: The Terrible, Awful, Unspeakable Secret— and how it Changed Me
• Chapter 23: Seduced by an Act of Omission
• Chapter 24: Too Much of a Good Thing
• Chapter 25: Managing Conflict Between Two Partners
• Chapter 26: Mistakes Worth Enduring
• Chapter 27: The Man who Tried Too Hard to Act Cool
• Chapter 28: I’m Not Easily Fooled
• Chapter 29: Lost in a Quagmire of Agendas
• Chapter 30: Calling Jack’s Bluff
• Chapter 31: A Puzzle with Missing Pieces
• Chapter 32: The Transgender Woman in the Pink Wheelchair
• Chapter 33: A Veil of Self-Deception
• Chapter 34: Clients Telling the Truth as They Know it
• Chapter 35: I Still Wonder what Happened
• Chapter 36: In Defense of Naïveté
• Chapter 37: The One Truth
• Chapter 38: Duped and Recuped
• Chapter 39: Espionage and Orphans
• Chapter 40: Fiction, Myth, and Illusions of Truth
• Chapter 41: What Does Being Duped Mean in the Practice of Psychotherapy?