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Part 1
Theory
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1
Understanding Domestic Violence
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is an attempt to establish power and control in an intimate relationship (married or not, same gender or different) through the use of violence and other forms of abuse. The abuser exerts control by using physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, stalking, threats, harassment, intimidation, financial abuse, destruction of oneâs own or a partnerâs property, harming pets, using children to hurt a partner, identity theft, and more. Relationships involving family violence may differ in terms of the severity of the abuse, but power and control are always the underlying primary goals of all abusers.
The term domestic violence is often considered to include violence against children and elders, but the focus of this book is violence that occurs between intimate partners.
All 50 states have laws against domestic violence. Most focus on physical and sexual violence to the exclusion of other forms. It is important to recognize, however, that once physical or sexual violence has occurred, psychological abuse is even more powerful because the victim never knows when the abuser might be physically violent again. When a partner has been assaulted in the past, a look, a word, a threatâall carry greater power to intimidate or control.
And so, while an abuser may not actually be identified by the legal system or arrested for domestic violence, the trauma to the partner can be just as debilitating.
History of the Debate About Domestic Violence
In recent years, the field of domestic violence treatment has been filled with controversy, argument, and even acrimony over the underlying causes and responsibilities for relationship violence.
The roots of this controversy began in 1975 with the first U.S. National Family Violence Survey. In this seven-year study of over 2,000 families, Murray Strauss and Richard Gelles (1990) found that women were as violent as men.
This finding flew in the face of prevailing feminist theory, which insisted that domestic violence is rooted in patriarchy, menâs use of power, male privilege, and male entitlement. Feminists argued that violent women were actually acting in self-defense, committing less serious violence, or being victims of gender-biased reporting differences. In other words, they argued that women were not really the initiators and, therefore, not really responsible for their own violence.
This debate has been fueled by two separate sets of research data. In the first, data from subsequent national surveys by Straus continued to suggest that women are as equally violent as men in intimate relationships (Straus, 1999). This was also supported by data from meta-analysis of 82 couple-conflict studies, which found that women are more likely to use physical aggression than men and resort to violence more often than men (Archer, 2000, 2002).
The opposing source of data came from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, which has consistently reported that women are five times more likely than men to have been victims of domestic violence (Rennison & Welchans, 2000).
A growing body of evidence has been found to support the existence of âhusband batteringâ (Carney, Buttell, & Dutton, 20072007). Hines, Brown, and Dunning (2003) studied calls to an American national domestic violence helpline for men. When advertised in state telephone directories, the line went from receiving 1 call per day to 250 calls per day. Nearly all callers reported physical abuse from their partners; 90% reported controlling behaviors by their partners, and 52% currently in an abusive relationship were fearful that a female partner would cause serious injury if she found out he had called the helpline. Many reported severe attacks to the groin area, stalking, and partners trying to drive over them.
Another study also strongly refuted the notion that men do not suffer harm from partner violence. In a reanalysis of the Canadian National General Social Survey (GSS) data based on a sample of 25,876, Laroche (2005, p. 16, Table 8) concluded that victim reactions for abused men were virtually identical to those of abused women.
In a review of the literature on domestic violence research, Carney et al. (2007) concluded that while women are injured more than men, female partner violence occurs at the same rate as male partner violence. They found that womenâs violence tends to have a long developmental history that predates the current relationship, suggesting that it cannot be dismissed as self-defense. They also found that the most common form of partner violence is mutual, followed by female more severe and then male more severe.
The rancor that exists between opposing sides on the domestic violence debate is unfortunate in that it wastes time and resources and diverts attention from finding solutions to family violence. More and more women are being arrested for domestic violence and court-ordered to treatment (Holtzworth-Munroe, 2005). Women constitute the fastest growing segment of the criminal justice population, and the National Institute of Justice estimates that the increase in incarceration rate for women is double that of men (Ferraro & Moe, 2003; Mullings, Hartley, & Marquet, 2004).
My conviction is that if we are serious about ending domestic violence, we must be willing to address all aspects of aggression and violence in families. We must hold men and women accountable for their behaviors and how they choose to participate in their relationship dynamics. I believe it is time to stop arguing over who is more at fault and start looking at better ways to understand each person involved and how best to help each live safely and without violence.
Why Are Women Violent or Abusive?
Women who are abusive to their intimate partners are a heterogeneous group. They tend to fall within one of three categories:
- Dominant aggressors similar to male abusers
- Women who have fought back in self-defense but who are primarily victims of domestic violence
- Women who are in mutually aggressive relationships
While the last group is the most common, I have found that some women change from one category to another from relationship to relationship. A woman who was primarily the victim with one man may be mutually aggressive with her next partner or even be the dominant aggressor.
The reasons, motivations, context, and factors in womenâs violence are varied and numerous. Below we will explore several.
Underlying Beliefs
No single explanation accounts for womenâs violence unless it is the underlying belief that violence is an acceptable solution for women given the circumstances. Women often enter court-ordered treatment convinced that they were absolutely justified in their violence. They minimize (âAll I did was throw a plate at him!â), deny (âI donât know how he tripped ⌠heâs just clumsyâ), and blame (âHe made me so madâhe made me do it!â).
Female Entitlement
Sometimes abusive women justify their violence by female entitlement, or female privilege. They enter romantic relationships with rigid, traditional beliefs about menâs and womenâs roles. In their view, when a male partner has not kept his part of the bargain, they feel justified in retaliating and punishing him. Several women have told me, âWe always agreed I would stay home with the kids, but now he says I have to get a job because heâs leaving. I donât think so! Itâs his job to take care of me and pay my bills.â They used this rationale to justify stalking, keeping the children away, and threatening to kill a partner.
Sociocultural Influences
Ask most people what they think of when they hear the term domestic violence, and invariably they will say âa man hurting a woman.â Unlike men, women in our culture start from a place where they are seen as victims. Despite their childhood histories of trauma and abuse, men are never excused for hitting women. Not so with women. In fact, our culture gives them the opposite message. Women are more likely to expect that it is acceptable to hit men and that men will not retaliate.
The Double Standard
Our culture has different standards for men and women with respect to their violence. Romantic comedy movies and popular TV shows include women having temper tantrums, slapping, hitting, and assaulting men when they have been ignored, spurned, or offended. The man makes lame excuses, laughs, or runs. The audience laughs. This is entertainment. It is acceptable for women to express their rage in violent behavior because men are tough and women cannot really hurt them. But if the genders were reversed it is inconceivable that the audience would have the same response. We are conditioned to think that womenâs violence is funny or does not really matter.
Self-Defense
In some cases, women really are primarily the victims of domestic violence and have been arrested when they fought back. These situations can be difficult for police to evaluate, especially when the man has visible signs of injury and maintains he was innocent in the attack. Consider the woman who is being held down on the bed and choked by her husband: She uses her fingernails to claw him, leaving scratches on his arms and back. When the police respond to the neighborâs 911 call, they find marks on the husband but not the wife, so she is arrested. In another case, a man and woman are drunk and arguing in the kitchen. He grabs her in a headlock under his arm, so she reaches for the counter, grabs a knife, and stabs him. He has a life-threatening wound, so the police arrest her.
Learned Behavior
Both men and women who are abusive with partners are likely to have grown up in families where they witnessed violence or were abused themselves.
From the beginning of our lives we all learn from what we see and experience. Our parents or other caregivers are the role models who, by their examples, teach us how to behave, how to set appropriate boundaries, how to express and cope with emotions, how to listen and how to speak, how to resolve conflict, how to love.
When our caregivers are unable to effectively manage themselves, their behavior and emotions, we do not learn how to do those for ourselves. When children see mom throw a plate of food at dad and dad retaliates by throwing mom over his knee and spanking her, they learn that this is how adults resolve their problems.
Boys and girls may identify more with the same-sex parent or with the opposite-sex parent and model their use of power and control differently.
When a father repeatedly demeans and humiliates a mother who cowers in silence, a daughter may conclude that her mother deserved it, and so does sheâor she may conclude that getting what she wants in a relationship will require dominance and power over her partner.
Respectful, nurturing role models beget respect and nurturing; violent, hurtful role models beget violence and hurt.
In working with both abusive men and women, I have found that the women tend to have childhood histories that had even more trauma and instability than their male counterparts.
Mental Health Issues and Substance Abuse
In our program, about one-third of the women have histories of self-cutting or burning. Many have depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety disorders.
According to Dutton, Nicholls, and Spidel (2005), female abusers are about as likely as male abusers to have an Axis I disorder (according to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [DSM-IV] of the American Psychiatric Association), but are substantially more likely to be in the clinical range on Axis II. The personality disorder traits I see most often are those impacting intimacy, attachment, and constricted affect.
About half of the women in our program have histories of significant substance abuse. Alcohol, cocaine, and methamphetamine abuse are the most common. This makes sense considering the level of trauma they have experienced throughout childhood and adult life. They often have said that their substance use was an effort to cope with overwhelmingly painful emotions or circumstances. While they may blame their violent behavior on alcohol or drugs, we maintain that chemicals do not cause domestic violence, but they make a âgood buddyâ for the violence. They make violence seem like a good option.
Perceived Powerlessness
Domestic violence is often described as a phenomenon based on power and control. Abusive women and men usually feel very powerless. Both often feel threatened and defenseless, and fear abandonment. They have no ability to self-sooth and see no other options. Their violence is a desperate attempt to ward off incapacitating emotions and the accompanying perceived powerlessness.
Reasons That Abusive Women Give for Their Violence
Women give many different reasons for their violence that led them to our program, including:
- To let out anger, express feelings, release tension
- Self-defense, protection
- To feel empowered
- To get the attention of a partner, to make him listen, get him to talk
- To show him whoâs bossâmake him do something or stop doing something
- To teach him a lesson
- To retaliate, make him hurt (e.g., for infidelity: âAll those years he beat me and I stayed. When I found out he was having an affair, that was the last straw.â)
- To keep him from leaving (real or perceived abandonment)
- âJust teasingâ
A Final Note
A common experience is for women to be more forthcoming about their history of violence the longer they have been attending group. Many will say, âI was arrested for this one incident, but in reality I have been violent in every relationship I have ever had.⌠I just never got in trouble for it.â
How Are Abusive Women Similar to and Different From Abusive Men?
As noted previously, female abusers share many of the same characteristics as male abusersâpersonality disorders, childhood experiences of witnessing domestic violence between parents, and abuse or neglect during childhood. Some significant differences also exist and can have important implications for treatment; we explore these below.
Types of Violence
While women and men initiate relationship violence at equal rates (Archer, 2000; Stra...
