The Spiritual Work of Marriage

David C. Olsen

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2011
• eBook ISBN: 9781135695538
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Learn how to help couples to navigate and resolve the spiritual themes present in marriage

Statistically speaking, about half of all first marriages fail. The Spiritual Work of Marriage comprehensively discusses an issue that is central to addressing committed relationships and intimacy—the difficult, and yet very common, spiritual work that exists within marriage. This insightful guide goes deeper into ways to improve marital intimacy by explaining its spiritual dimension and describing a variety of spiritual themes that every couple deals with and must resolve. The book contains practical case study material, questions for group discussion, and a series of spiritual and theological theories tied to powerful marital dynamics.

Author Dr. David Olsen, certified pastoral counselor and certified marriage and family therapist, explains approaches that every counselor can use when attempting to help couples navigate and work through marital intimacy and spiritual issues. The Spiritual Work of Marriage boldly and sensitively examines the themes of acceptance, working through idolatry, the longing for redemption from old family issues, and the necessity of repentance.

Topics discussed in The Spiritual Work of Marriage include:

• marriage as spiritual crucible
• acceptance as a key element in spirituality and recovery
• idolatry as something that clocks acceptance
• redemption from old wounds
• repentance as a mental concept
• the complexity of forgiveness in marriage
• the possibility of salvation in marriage

The Spiritual Work of Marriage is an essential resource for pastoral counselors, clergy, seminary professors teaching pastoral care, and marriage and family therapists interested in spirituality.

Chapter 1
Introduction

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they became one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:24, 25 (NIV)

THE DREAM

The candles had all been lit, the bride looked lovely in her wedding gown, and the groom smiled as he turned to face her and took her hands in his to repeat their vows. Despite shaky voices, they ended their vows confidently with the words “’til death do us part.” They looked at that moment like the perfect couple. The photographer tried to capture the moment. Their families smiled, shed some tears, and prayed for a happy marriage. The reception that followed was grand. People danced and partied and celebrated the beginning of this couple’s life together. Everything looked perfect. It was the culmination of a year of planning and what appeared to be a storybook romance beginning in their last year of college. Their future could not have looked brighter for this couple; both had secure and exciting jobs and the possibilities looked limitless.

In preparation for this day, they had been through a number of sessions of premarital counseling required by their minister, and even tried to take it seriously. However, in all honesty they could not really anticipate any long-term problems. They ended their premarital counseling convinced that there was no problem that they could not solve. They discussed money, in-laws, careers, roles, religion, and were convinced that they were going to have a wonderful married life together. They sincerely believed that their love in the end would conquer any problems that emerged between them.

The religious wedding service that consecrated their vows invoked the magic and sacredness of marriage. Vows are made before God; religious language and religious symbols are utilized. “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder” is a statement often used as part of the vows. Scripture readings are utilized, and prayers are employed to bless the union of husband and wife. Although the symbols and rituals vary in different religious traditions, all the traditions imply that marriage is a spiritual union. Implied within this, although frequently not understood, is that there is a powerful spiritual dimension to marriage and that marriage can be a vehicle for spiritual work.

Paul Stookey (of Peter, Paul, and Mary) in “The Wedding Song,” summarized it as follows:

The union of your spirits here has caused Him to remain, For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name, there is love.

We have all witnessed some variation of this wedding scene whether at our own wedding or the wedding of family and friends. We watch the beauty of the service unfold, and experience a wide range of emotions. We are occasionally in touch with the spiritual mystery of the moment, and hope and pray that the couple will find lasting joy and happiness.

THE REALITY

Despite premarital counseling, a wonderful wedding, spiritual ritual, and supportive families, the odds of this couple having a happy marriage are statistically not in their favor. The odds are 50-50 that they will even stay married. The odds are even more depressing that they will find long-term happiness and deep marital satisfaction. Finding lasting marital bliss is elusive for most couples.

The late psychiatrist and author, M. Scott Peck (2003), began his best seller The Road Less Traveled, with the classic line, “Life is difficult.” What an understatement! The reality is that life is often one problem after another. If life is hard, then marriage is even more difficult, and unfortunately, statistics support this. Despite the best planning, premarital counseling, and wonderful weddings, good long-term marriages are rare. Approximately 50 percent of first marriages fail, and of the other half that make it, it is not clear how many are actually satisfying marriages.

“For those who try it a second time or third time, the statistics get worse instead of better; approximately 60 percent of remarriages fail” (http://www.smartmarriages.com/remarrying.html). In other words, very few people learn from their mistakes and do better the next time around in a new relationship. The reality is that while M. Scott Peck’s words are true—life is hard, it is even more of a reality that marriage is difficult, and that the odds of achieving a great marriage are not good. The reality is that most couples do not find the marital satisfaction that they are seeking. Despite the spiritual rituals involved in the wedding, marriage for most does not become a place for spiritual growth and work.

In light of these realities it is not surprising that there is no shortage of literature on marriage that aims at helping couples remedy these problems and find the satisfaction that they are seeking. Numerous books have been written for couples that focus on helping them in a variety of ways such as learning better communication skills and shifting counterproductive communication patterns, learning tools for working through conflict, understanding and resolving underlying belief systems about marriage and about their partner, resolving the issues from the families we grew up in, as well as books on how best to understand and shift the conscious and unconscious marital contracts between couples. There is no shortage of books, articles, tapes, and DVDs. Browse the self-help section of any major bookstore and you will be overwhelmed by the amount of books dedicated to this topic. As if that were not enough, most popular magazines have a column on how to improve marital satisfaction in a variety of ways ranging from ways to improve sex to negotiating ways to fight fair.

Despite the amazing amount of literature designed to help people improve their marriages, there is very little that even acknowledges that there is a profound spiritual dimension to it, much less provides guidance on how to conduct oneself in this realm.

Even in the world of the church, marriage as spiritual work is rarely talked about. Despite the religious symbols, words, and vows that were used during the wedding, there is very little written about the spiritual work of marriage. Sadly, this idea is not even introduced. Who talks about this? How many couples actually talk about the spiritual work involved in marriage? In fact, quite often, couples are ashamed to reveal to their religious communities that they even have marital problems and are ashamed to admit they are in therapy. The notion of the spiritual work of marriage is not discussed.

To even begin to think of marriage as a spiritual journey, we need to acknowledge its difficulty at the beginning. The First Noble Truth of Buddhism is that there is suffering in life (a la Scott Peck), and subsequent teachings talk about how to work with it. The reason for beginning with this truth is to normalize the reality that all humans experience pain and challenges. We can then let go of any stigma of “failure” when we experience struggles, and it is thus easier to learn tools to work with them. The Judeo-Christian tradition speaks to the same issue. The first mythical marriage, Adam and Eve, goes bad quickly. Starting in an idyllic garden setting, it quickly degenerates to blame, accusation, shame, and separation. Suffering enters the first marriage quickly and most of the scriptures focus on the redemption of that suffering and separation.

However, although Adam and Eve could be seen as the original troubled married, most couples do not heed their example and are not prepared for its suffering, or separation, when idealization gets lost. As a result they miss an opportunity for profound spiritual work.

Unfortunately, in modern culture, the wedding itself is seen as a fruition, a dream come true. The challenge of marriage as a path to open oneself up to another and love and forgive and heal does not seem to be a part of the ceremony, or it may be given lip service; however, then the couple is left on their own. After the excitement and joy of the wedding, what help is given to couples to begin the journey of the spiritual work of marriage? Unfortunately, very little help is provided.

SPIRITUALITY VERSUS RELIGION

Part of understanding the spiritual work of marriage is beginning to understand the difference between spirituality and religion especially as it pertains to relationships. Religion is the institutionalized form of spirituality. Religion is typically focused on an organized belief system, shared moral values, and a faith community or organization to be committed to. Religion can provide a shared ideology (way of looking at the world). The great psychoanalyst Erik Erikson points out that this ideology helps organize and bolster a strong sense of identity. Knowing what you believe about the world and being with others who believe the same thing gives a strong sense of who you are, and thus reduces anxiety many feel without such support. Many couples and families find both a deep sense of grounding as well as a sense of identity that is supported by formal religious participation. Life cycle events in families are quite often celebrations within religious traditions. For example, in some Christian religious traditions, the beginning of life is celebrated through baptism of the infant; catechisms and confirmations mark a rite of passage for children; weddings become a spiritual celebration of marriage, and funerals mark the end of life. In a similar way, Judaism provides for the family observance of rituals such as the weekly Shabbat (Sabbath), celebrating of major holidays in the Jewish calendar year, and rituals across the life cycle (Walsh, 2003).

For many couples and families their religious involvement and participation in their faith community is a central part of their family life, so it should not be surprising to suggest to couples that they consider the spiritual aspect of marriage. Yet religion and spirituality are not necessarily equivalent. Religion helps bolster identity, and thus lowers anxiety. However, the spiritual journey can be very threatening to one’s sense of self. Having to forgive, be vulnerable in spite of shame all increase anxiety and can be frightening. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. Unlike religious ideology, which reduces anxiety by providing a clear view of the world and of what to believe, the spiritual journey of marriage is anxiety producing for many reasons. No wonder the spiritual work of marriage gets so little attention.

SPIRITUALITY

Many writers distinguish spirituality from religion. While religion is focused on shared belief and a faith community, spirituality can be thought of differently. It can be seen as part of organized religion, or can stand apart from it. The late theologian Paul Tillich (1951, 2000) spoke of spirituality as finding connection to the “ground of all being.” Spirituality is a very personal experience. It has to do with a deep sense of values and a way of being in the world. It can be compatible with religious affiliation, a set of morals, or a sense of belief. For many people today, there is a suspicion of organized religion. Accompanying this rejection of ideology, there remains a longing for a deeply felt spirituality that is lived.

Spiritual seekers often begin their journey after some personal crisis—death of a loved one, existential crisis or search for meaning, serious illness, etc. (Again life is hard.) Spirituality seems to be motivated by a need to understand the self in relation to the unknown, the universe, God. It is a need to understand it beyond the confines of religious institutions. It is a very personal journey that is often solitary, but it can also be part of a couple’s journey together. In fact, couples can even experience a spiritual intimacy. This can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of one’s marriage that can occur as a couple takes on this journey together.

MARRIAGE AND SPIRITUALITY

For many couples, both organized religion and some sense of spirituality are an important part of their lives. Usually, the wedding that begins their life together is grounded in some type of religious ceremony. If children become part of their lives, then they look to their religious institutions for a ritual such as baptism and some sort of catechism or faith formation to help ground their children in the religious tradition. At the end of the life cycle, religious funerals complete the journey of life and provide meaning, hope, and comfort. So on some level, the religious couple is grounded in religious observance that mark and celebrate the major life cycle events. Often these life cycle events involve the extended family at a baptism, wedding, or funeral, so not only is the couple grounded in their religious heritage but also the larger family system is as well. All of these religious rituals calm anxiety around these transitions of life and death.

Although these rituals and life cycle events are important and can be helpful, they do not in themselves address the spiritual work of marriage. In the journey of marriage there is conflict, hurt, misunderstanding, tragedy, joy, disappointment, just to name a few. Here, the couple is alone facing pain themselves without the calming force of religion. The spiritual work is the need to mature—to face one’s own existential anxiety and come to an understanding and mature response to life and death. There are opportunities for growth, opportunities to learn more about oneself and one’s partner. In reality, these struggles can be wonderful opportunities to do spiritual work. If marriage begins with a sacred religious ceremony, then the work of marriage is fundamentally spiritual. Unfortunately, most newlyweds miss this message or are not ready for it in the first place. Genuine spiritual growth happens when one is pushed to grow and unfortunately much of this growth results from pain.

Most Christian religious traditions have a language that is part of faith formation. Words and concepts are used to help express the truths of their religion. Words such as idolatry, grace and acceptance, repentance, and forgiveness are common terms in most religious traditions. During times of religious instruction these terms are defined and explained as aspects of religious ideology, and on a good day many people could at least give a decent explanation of these spiritual concepts that is intellectually coherent. Living out these concepts is a different story and is far from easy. Perhaps that is part of the skepticism about organized religion. Many would say that “followers” should spend more time living out their faith and less time talking about it.

LIVED SPIRITUALITY

The essence of a spiritual life is not the ability to understand, define, and explain certain ...

Table of contents

• ABOUT THE AUTHOR
• CONTENTS
• Chapter 1 Introduction
• Chapter 2 The Longing to Be Known
• Chapter 3 The Idolatry of Attempting to Change Your Partner
• Chapter 4 The Sins of the Fathers and the Longing for Redemption
• Chapter 5 Repentance and Relationships: You Really Do Have to Say “I’m Sorry”
• Chapter 6 Intimacy and Forgiveness
• Chapter 7 Salvation, Marriage, and Grace
• References
• Index