The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage

J. Mark Thompson, Richard Tuch

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9780415635592
• eBook ISBN: 9781134498000
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage is about the dynamics of intimate interpersonal relationships (dating and marriage) - how and why human pairings occur, what helps them function optimally and how therapists can intervene when they don't. J. Mark Thompson and Richard Tuch employ a multidimensional perspective that provides a variety of "lenses" through which intimate relationships can be viewed. The authors also offer a new model of couples therapy based on the mentalization model of treatment developed by Peter Fonagy and his colleagues.

This book is aimed at those interested in the nature of intimate relationships as well as those wishing to expand their clinical skills, whether they are conducting one-on-one therapy with individuals struggling to establish and maintain intimate relations or are conducting conjoint treatment with troubled couples who have sought the therapist's assistance. Thompson and Tuch view relationships from a wide array of different perspectives: mentalization, attachment theory, evolutionary psychology, psychoanalysis, pattern recognition (neuroscience), and role theory. A mentalization based approach to couples therapy is clearly explained in a "how to" fashion, with concrete suggestions about how the therapist goes about clinically intervening given their expanded understanding of the dynamics of intimate relations outlined in the book.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: Mentalizing Tales of Dating and Marriage will appeal to psychoanalysts, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, clinical social workers, marriage therapists, and all those interested in both learning more about the dynamics of one-on-one intimate relationships (dating and marriage) from a truly multidimensional perspective and in learning how to conduct mentalization-based couples therapy.

INDEX

AAI (Adult Attachment Interview) 37, 81

absolutes 125, 153, 167

accommodation 64, 226

activation of behavioral system 74–5, 83–4

Active Explicit Mentalization Exercise 176, 188

“Acts of Service”: as language of love 263

adaptation 94–6

adolescence: infidelity during 240

Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) 37, 81

adultery see infidelity

advertising in courtship and mating ritual 110

affairs see infidelity

affection 86

affirmation: in language of love 263–4; narcissistic 178–81

aggressor: identification with 240

Ainsworth, Mary 73, 78–80

alerting 174–6

alpha male 109

alternative realities 184–6

altruism: kin 104–5; reciprocal 95, 103–4

anger 171

anti-mentalization 236–40, 242, 244

anxiety: as impediment to mentalization 136–7

anxious/ambivalent attachment style see anxious/preoccupied attachment style

anxious attachment style see anxious/preoccupied attachment style

anxious/preoccupied attachment style 75–6, 79, 80; and caregiving system 87–8; and sexual motivation 90–1

appearance: of casual sex partners 111; in mate selection 109–10

appraising: in evolutionary psychology 95–6

arousal: physiologic 229–30; see also emotional activation

“as is”: willingness to accept spouse 264–5

assessment: in evolutionary psychology 95–6; ongoing mutual 129–130

assimilation 16

assumptions 126–7

attachment: and fear of loss 59–61; insecure 78–9, 81, 85; secure 44–5, 78–9, 85; time to develop 180

attachment behavior: and selective advantage 73

attachment behavioral system 74–7; activation of 74–5; and quality of romantic relations 83–5

attachment figure 73, 75, 77

attachment gestures 74–5, 85

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Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Marriage's Promise?
• Contents
• About The Authors
• Acknowledgments
• Section I Basic Science: Mentalization, Theory of Mind, Theories of Love, Attachment
• Prologue
• 1 Storytelling: You Can Keep Your Damn Jack!
• 2 Lost in Narration
• 3 A Few Things Worth Knowing About Marriage
• 4 Love Seen Through the Lens of Attachment Theory
• 5 What Evolution Teaches about Dating and Mating
• Section II Practical Approaches: Mentalization-Based Couples Therapy
• 6 An Introduction to the Mentalization Model of Couples Therapy — An Overview
• 7 The Workbook: Section 1 Mentalization-Based Couples Therapy — The Basics
• 8 The Workbook: Section 2 Mentalization-Based Couples Therapy — Advanced Concepts
• Section III Elaborations
• 9 Pattern Recognition: The Sometimes Misleading Reading of Reality
• 10 Complementarity: A Potentially Fixed and Limited Style of Relating
• 11 The Challenge of Mentalizing Sexual Betrayal
• 12 The Ways in Which We Differ, the Way Love Makes us Same
• References
• Index