Helping Children Cope With Grief

Alan Wolfelt

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781135059682
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

First published in 1984. A common myth is that that young children (say around three years of age) do not understand death or give the death of friend, pet, brother, sister, parent, grandparent, other relative, or give it a Raggedy-Ann doll meaning. However, research has indicated that they do. If it is difficult for us to think about our death, it is the author's hypothesis that to think of the death of our children is an even greater difficulty. We dread the thought of our children suffering pain, dying, and death. Similarly the thought of our children suffering grief is difficult for us to comprehend. Helping Children Cope With Grief is more universal to more than the area of grief and is a valuable tool for parents, teachers, and counselors when their goal is to develop happier, more loving children.

Chapter 1

INTRODUCTION

This book is an outgrowth of thoughts and feelings that originated in my childhood. At a very early age I discovered that living involved a continual process of mourning losses. I have come to recognize that our responses to death experiences in adulthood are based upon losses we experienced as children and the models of grief we evolved during this vulnerable time. The early experiences of childhood determine how the child will feel about self and the world, and because coping with loss affects future capacity for intimate relationships early experiences are the foundation on which the child builds a healthy orientation toward life and living.

At age twelve, I first experienced the emotional impact of death. I was away at basketball camp when I received the call that Grandmother had died. During that very day I remember thinking that she really hadn’t died. In no way would I accept the thought that I wouldn’t make my annual summer visit to her home in Ohio. I really didn’t begin to sense the impact of her death until my parents came to take me to the funeral.

Fortunately, my parents allowed and encouraged me to view Grandmother’s body at the funeral and to participate in the services. While this experience helped me confront her death, some time had to elapse before I was able to accept the loss. I remember many different thoughts and feelings, like no others, during my childhood. At times I missed Grandma so much that I would imagine myself getting ready to go visit her.

The depth of my feelings of loss ebbed and flowed in the days ahead. At times memory of her faded and I discovered I felt guilty when this occurred. At other times I would discover my parents grieving her death when I was filled with happiness from the day’s activities. Once again, I would feel guilty and wonder if I too should be sad for a longer period of time.

What about anger? Oh, how I remember those times when I was angry at the doctor for not saving my Grandma’s life! I thought people went to the hospital to get well—certainly not to die! Why couldn’t somebody have done something sooner? While I was tempted to direct some of my anger toward Grandma for dying, I found it safer and more comfortable to attempt to keep my anger directed outward. After all, I loved Grandma. I had been taught early in life that you don’t get angry with someone you love. This entire experience seemed almost overwhelming at times.

Then there was God. What kind of God would let my Grandma die? My family had gone to church every Sunday since I could remember, so I was having difficulty understanding why God would do such a thing.

Obviously, at times I was confused and isolated in my first experience with grief. Those of us who can remember our own first encounter with death realize that childhood experiences with death can be frightening and lonely. However, if handled with warmth, understanding, and caring, our early experience with death can be an opportunity to learn about life and living as well as death and dying. Fortunately, with the help of loving adults who were willing to admit to some mistakes along the way, I was able to grow to understand the experience of Grandma’s death. I also came to understand the importance of allowing children to grieve and to be a part of the family experience at the time of a death.

Our society has undergone a number of changes in its approach to death. This is particularly true with regard to children. In the not too distant past, our society was open and honest about death and children could accept the reality of death. In reference to the drastic changes that have occurred, Gordon and Klass (1979) have written:

The world in which modern children experience death is different from any child’s world of the past. Two trends over the course of this century have influenced and continue to influence the relationship between a child and death. The first is the increasing distance of the immediate experience of death from everyday life. The second is the increasing distance of the child from the adult world. Taken together, these trends have radically changed how a child can respond to death. (p. 5)

Yes, America now has the world’s first death-free generation, meaning that now possibly a child may grow into adulthood in the United States and never experience a personal or emotional death in the environment at any time during childhood. We, as Americans, on the average experience death in our family but once in every twenty years. A great number of discoveries in the practice of modern medicine have resulted in the drastic reduction of infant and child mortality and have led to prolonged life expectancy. In the beginning of our century, death was much more familiar to all Americans. When several generations lived in the same household, children at a very young age became aware of the naturalness of the processes of aging, illness, and death. They watched and experienced Grandmother and Grandfather as they grew old in the same home in which children and parents lived. Also the children gathered with other family members when death occurred. The funeral was held in the same home. Children were able to experience tears along with their parents and realize that a significant loss had taken place. Death was something which happened, and because it happened within their own environment, children came to know it gradually, in their own way, and in their own time. Death was not a mystery to the growing child. This exposure and experience at a very young age helped set a stable coping pattern for future experiences.

Today, drastic changes have taken place. Fewer people die at an early age. The child has little experience with the death of relatives because as relatives grow old and become ill, they are oftentimes placed in institutions such as hospitals and nursing homes. Grandparents rarely live in the same household with grandchildren. In addition, hospitals often have strict visitation rules which often exclude children. The result of all this is that the child does not have the opportunity to see the person grow old, get sick, and eventually die.

If we combine the lack of these childhood opportunities with the reality that our society has come to be death-avoiding and death-frightened, we find that the child and the family as a whole often develop difficulty in coming to terms with the grief of a death of relatives or friends. In addition, children of the 1980s are living during a time when we have managed to evolve a lethal technology capable of destroying the world with the flip of a switch. At the same time we continue to strive to enhance the human life span. My thinking is that the present “superficial preoccupation with death” on the part of a number of both professionals and lay people is actually an effort to control one’s true sense of helplessness, and may well be a denial of the realistic potential of nuclear death.

Yet, while we as a society attempt to avoid the reality of death, children are confronted at a very young age with situations where they see that life no longer exists: they come upon a dead bird; their pet dog is hit by a car and killed; grandma dies; they watch television where the depiction of a tragic death is a common occurrence; they learn of the tragic murder of children in Atlanta. Questions that children ask about death grow out of these experiences in daily living. Will Mom and Dad die? What happens to dead people? Why do they put dead people in the ground? These and many other questions occupy the developing child’s thoughts and feelings. Young children most often turn to adults close to them for help in adjusting to difficult situations and unhappy experiences.

The ability of those adults to be sensitive to and understanding of the young child’s actual needs can make the difference in making the experience of death either harmful or helpful to the child’s emotional growth. If the child is not given honest answers appropriate to the child’s age and level of understanding, he/she may develop some distorted thoughts and ideas concerning the topics of death, dying, and funerals. Because the child’s thoughts and fears about death may not be openly expressed, concepts regarding death may become confused and disturbed.

A number of parents have much difficulty in discussing death with their children. When a death occurs, bereaved parents are often so upset by their own loss that they make little, if any, effort to explain to their children what has happened. Many adults attempt to experience life as if death never occurs in the lives of their children. While many children grow into adulthood without experiencing a personal or emotional loss through death, other children do experience a loss. In a school district of 6,000 students Getson and Benshoff (1977) discovered that at least three children die each year and Jones (1977) found that twenty percent (20%) of all students will experience the death of a parent during school years. Children are surrounded by loss from the moment of birth.

When a death occurs, the child senses from reactions of those within his/her life system that something very significant has happened, but often the child does not know what. Parents frequently tell themselves that the fact of death is beyond the child’s comprehension and that as parents they can protect the youngster from the anguish they themselves are experiencing. In 1967 Harrison, Davenport, and McDermott demonstrated that adults prefer to distract children from the topic of death and to deny that the children are upset. These authors also observed that our society has never had much in the way of identifiable guidelines to follow in dealing with children’s confrontations with death. In that very same year, Becker and Margolin (1967) noted that parents admitted that they avoided the topic of bereavement because they could not bear to face the intensity of their children’s feelings. As a result, the child’s unwillingness to accept the event of death and to grieve over it is reinforced by the protective attitude of adults.

Parents, teachers, and counselors, by not talking about the reality of death with children, succeed for the moment in postponing reality for themselves as well. So, instead of open and honest answers appropriate to the child’s level of understanding and development, half-truths are offered in the hopes that the subject will be dropped.

My experience is that when adults attempt to protect children from physical and emotional effects associated with death of an important person within the family circle, turmoil within both the children and the family often occurs. To want to protect children from all discomfort—physical and psychological—is an understandable wish of the majority of parents. At times children do need protection of some type, however they also need something more than protection. They need adult help in learning to understand and eventually cope with the many emotions of grief. The desire of many adults to “spare children” is often caused by their own feelings of discomfort, fear, or anxiety. In some situations, parents seem to be afraid of how profoundly children will suffer from a death and feel the need to protect their offspring from this suffering. Yet other parents deny that children are real people and behave as if children are too immature to be capable of experiencing a full spectrum of feelings at a time of loss. Instead, these parents often rationalize that children are too young to experience real grief. The all too often result of this is that the child is caught in the middle, not knowing what he/she should be thinking or feeling. Yes, out of our own doubts and fears we often deprive children of an opportunity to grow through grief and begin to formulate their thoughts about coping with death.

WHEN SHOULD DEATH EDUCATION OCCUR?

Recently much discussion and a flood of publications have occurred regarding the importance of educating children about death. However, in my thinking, the first step in helping children to cope with the death experience is not through direct-forced education, but rather is through parent education, because they are the primary caregivers. The focus of additional efforts could be on educating teachers, who are without a doubt a fundamental influence on individual development and understanding, and on educating counselors and others with whom the child might come in contact, both before and during the period of crisis.

The most important influence on how children react at the time of a death experience is the response of parents and other significant people in the child’s life system. The lack of death education of many parents, teachers, counselors, and other concerned adults caring for children during this time results in the anxieties and fears of a number of well-intentioned people being transferred to the children. Indeed, experience has shown that children often appear to suffer more from the loss of parental support or overprotection than from the intimacy of the death experience itself. The intent is not to prevent the crisis which occurs with a child at the time of a death, but to assist in reducing stress. Also, the intent is to make available caregiving services to individuals so that they can cope in a healthy manner. Even if all stress could be prevented during this crisis period, preventing it certainly would not be the most beneficial, because within the experience itself lies the opportunity for personal growth and enrichment. We as adults must abandon the perception of children as “possessions” and strive to create a collaborative helping-healing relationship. At the same time, if the stress can be kept within reasonable limits, the crisis will be less intense and a better chance for an adaptive response will occur. This is a challenge, and a challenge that must be met.

Education with children should begin before, not after, a death experience. More specifically, death education should occur throughout children’s development whenever an appropriate “teachable moment” arises. At the same time, adults who wish to be of help to children must first free their own thinking and expand their own awareness toward the need for open and honest communication of thoughts and feelings about death. Until adults consciously explore their own reactions, concerns, thoughts, and fears concerning death, they will find that their attempts to be of help to children during this time will meet with little success.

Yes, limitations do exist as to what adults can do to help children cope with loss; but, certain things can be done. We can help children realize that each is a unique human being, made up of qualities totally unlike anyone else. We can help each develop a positive self-concept—a sense of being able to give love and receive love. And, we can help our children feel glad that they are alive.

The experience of childhood is certainly a special time of life. But during this special time a child should be supported and encouraged by caregivers—be they parents, teachers, or counselors—to discover true self in this world. After all, the child is the most important ingredient in a positive movement toward adulthood.

REFERENCES

Becker, D., & Margolin, F. (1967). How surviving parents handled their young children’s adaptation to the crisis of loss. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 37, 753-757.

Getson, R. F., & Benshoff, D. L. (1977). Four experiences with death and how to prepare to meet them. School Counselor, 24, 310-314.

Gordon, A. K., & Klass, D. (1979). They need to know: How to teach children about death. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Harrison, S., Davenport, C., & McDermott, J. (1967). Children’s reactions to bereavement. Arch’s General Psychiatry, 17, 693-697.

Jones, W. (1977). Death related grief counseling: The school counselor’s responsibility. School Counselor, 24, 315-320.

Chapter 2

CREATING A CARING RELATIONSHIP: AN OPEN ATMOSPHERE

Children oftentimes suffer more from the loss of parental support than from the death experience itself. Therefore, adults must recognize the importance of creating a caring relationship with children when death is experienced. At times, the loss of a caring relationship with Mom or Dad is added to the child’s burden of the loss of another significant relationship.

The child’s perception of a lack of caring by parents is frequently misinterpreted to mean that the child is not loved and that parents are not concerned. This oftentimes occurs when parents are in the initial phases of their own grief and, as a result of their own helplessness, feel incapable of providing a sense of security to the child. Instead of a parent blaming self for this phenomenon, it is vital that during these times the parent recognizes this helplessness and provides the child with resources that give a sense of support and understanding.

Illustration: Three days following the sudden death of Tommy’s Father, the five-year-old boy asked his Mother, “When is Daddy coming home?” Tommy’s Mother was confused and stunned by his question and burst into tears as she withdrew into her bedroom. Tommy was left alone to seek his own sense of understanding in a mass of confusion. Incapable of understanding his mother’s response, Tommy may have concluded that his mother’s behavior was a rejection of him, when in reality, at an adult level, her response certainly was understandable.

Hopefully, this example illustrates the importance of other familiar and comforting adults being available to young children during such times. While Mother may naturally be incapable of responding on such occasions, other loving adults can be accessible to provide the sense of warmth, caring, and understanding that Tommy needs so desperately at such time. Of course situations will occur where no other adults will be available to the child. In this case parents will need to assure the child that they will talk with him/her as soon as they feel able. Caring adults are capable of emotionally and physically supporting children during vulnerable times in their young lives.

Illustrative Responses. To the example given responses such as the following would be helpful.

Illustration A: When Mother is too upset by her own emotions to talk through the questions, she might respond “Tommy, I know you need to talk about Da...