Grief

Difficult Times, Simple Steps

Emily L. Waszak

• Publisher: Taylor & Francis
• Year: 2013
• eBook ISBN: 9781135058654
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: History & Theory in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Death has been around for as long as life, yet when it happens, no one really knows how to deal with death or its consequences. Death should not be treated as a taboo subject instead, individuals must learn the techniques necessary to assist others in coping with such a loss.; In a practical format, this guide shows what to do and what not to do for a person who has suffered the death of a loved one. Using the language of the lay person, the book contains over 100 tips for caregivers or loved ones - a simple step is presented on each page, followed by reasons and instructions for each step.; After these steps are mastered, it will be possible to educate others so that death becomes more familiar and maybe a little easier to deal with.

WHAT TO SAY

1

Say “I’m sorry.”

Let’s begin with the basics, and the most basic of it all is this two-word phrase. It’s comforting, it’s simple, and no more needs to be said, especially if you are uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. It’s short and easy to remember, it offers sympathy, and it allows you to say that you are suffering as well. No other words need to accompany this phrase.

It’s ironic, though, that people see “I’m sorry” as cliché or overused. Not so. It’s true that many people offer their condolences with this phrase over and over again to the survivors. However, when was the last time you heard of someone getting upset because someone expressed his or her sorrow in this way? No survivor will tire of hearing someone extend his or her sympathies during a period of grief.

2

Do not say, “It’s for the best.”

The deceased may have suffered from a traumatic injury or a lengthy illness, and he or she may have been absolutely miserable during the last days, but for you to point that out is not of any comfort. In fact, it is quite disturbing. Even when we know that it is best that suffering is over for the deceased, the pain of the loss is just beginning for the survivor. Often, the survivor does not see that this “is for the best” and can become resentful of those who feel this way. We all feel we know what is best for us, but what is best for one person is not necessarily best for another. While you may feel relief that the suffering is over, the survivor might not. My grandfather died after an eight-week stay in the hospital. I knew that I was glad that he was no longer in pain, and I knew that it was better this way, but that was for me to decide. I found myself growing resentful of others who would tell me that it was a relief. Who were they to tell me how I should feel?

If, however, the survivor states that “it’s for the best,” it is perfectly acceptable to agree. The survivor may be able to tell you that he or she feels this is for the best, and that it is good that the suffering has ended, but let the survivor say that. Do not assume that he or she feels this way.

You do not want to remind the survivor that the deceased suffered either. As the individual is dealing with the death, and the grief that accompanies it, he or she does not want to think about the pain and suffering of the final days of the deceased. Unpleasant memories are better left untouched. If you feel lost for words and you want to say something, bring up a pleasant memory, maybe one from the final day, one that is peaceful and calming. But do not feel that you have to say anything. You are being supportive just by being there for the survivor.

3

Say, “I care about you.”

Say this, but be sure to say it with meaning. When the person knows that you care, it comforts and soothes. Survivors need to know that someone cares, that they can turn to someone for a hug or a smile or just quality quiet time to relax and let go. “Care” is such a calming, healing word, and it provides a warm feeling.

When the survivor is dealing with the rough times of grief, he or she may feel alone and become depressed. This is a very emotional and overwhelming period, and support is a crucial element to keep the survivor going. There is so much support in your caring for the survivor and his or her family, and it is essential that you reinforce your support, understanding, and care throughout the grieving period.

You may feel that these phrases are corny or rehearsed, but believe me, these phrases are effective guidelines for you to use and build on. Use the phrases to assist you in preparing what you want to say and in feeling comfortable with others when dealing with the death of a loved one. Nothing nice ever can be repeated too often. Become comfortable with these basics, and use them for your foundation for grief assistance in the future.

4

Say, “I love you.”

If you love someone, let him or her know. While this is true at any time in life, it is necessary after someone suffers a loss. People need to know that they are loved, and nothing eases their grief more than being surrounded by love.

Sometimes there is a great deal of guilt involved with love when a death occurs. Often, survivors wish that they could say “I love you” to the deceased “just one final time.” To hear the words from someone else is comforting, and it may help reduce the empty feelings resulting from the loss. Hearing the words also gives survivors the opportunity to reciprocate the emotion.

On the other hand, a survivor may not be able to open up to you and display the love that he or she may feel. Be prepared to be turned away. Remember that the survivor has just lost someone special, someone that he or she loved, and to lose that love is so difficult. It is also difficult to open up his or her heart to love again, love that could be snatched away so quickly and so unfairly as it has with this death.

Do not be discouraged with this. Give your love unconditionally and, with or without a response, offer your love to the grieving survivor. This is when he or she will need it most.

5

Say, “I’m here to listen.”

This may be the single most important phrase in this book. Listening is so critical, but this means listen—not interpret, criticize, or add anecdotes throughout the individual’s story. This is the individual’s time; let the person utilize it however desired, and listen.

Remember also that if you say it, mean it. Believe me, the individual will take you up on this—if not immediately, then later. There will come a time that the person will need to unload, and it may become extremely emotional. On the other hand, the individual may ease into disclosing feelings. The person may make mention on occasion of memories, and though these may come across as light comments, take them seriously and respond accordingly.

When talking to children, you may want to pursue this differently. Questioning and drawing the child out generally is more effective than just listening. Ask children to tell you how they feel, what they miss most about the deceased, and what makes them feel better when they are sad. Be ready for any response from a child; those little minds are filled with big ideas. It is amazing what they can come up with when given the chance to share their feelings.

You will see this idea appear in many other suggestions throughout this book because listening is important and so critical. Remember, “listening” means exactly that—to listen, not interpret, criticize, or add anecdotes throughout the survivor’s story.

Allow time to sit and listen, uninterrupted, to the entire story and to the survivor’s feelings. Do not take this time to compare or share your stories of loss with the survivor unless, of course, he or she asks you to. We all have our stories to tell, our feelings to share, and our solutions to provide. Think back to a time when you needed someone to talk to, and you were attempting to tell your story and the other person kept jumping in with how he or she felt and what he or she went through—something the individual felt was similar to your story. Wasn’t it frustrating? Didn’t you just want to say, “Shut up and let me finish! What I need now is a friend to listen and not a problem-solver to tell me how to fix this!”? Of course, most people will not say this and they go on, eventually finishing what they had to say but leaving without the sense of solace for which they had come searching.

6

Do not give unsolicited advice.

This goes hand in hand with the previous suggestion. The survivor wants to talk and wants you to listen. That is it, unless you are told differently. The individual wants to grieve, and that means working through feelings and emotions and thoughts that are all his or her own. There are so many thoughts racing through the survivor’s head already, and the last thing he or she wants to hear is how to feel or what to feel. You even could offer ideas that were not there before, leading to greater confusion and inner conflict for the survivor. Why cause a problem? Just keep your mouth closed and let the survivor open up without the fear of being criticized, analyzed, or advised.

If the individual asks for advice, be careful with the advice you offer. Do not be harsh, critical, or judgmental. Tread lightly on the emotions and feelings that the survivor may be experiencing. The survivor is coming to you as a friend, as a support system, and if you diminish the importance of his or her confiding in you with your own criticisms, you are shutting the survivor out and making the individual feel unimportant and uncared for. This also may damage the individual’s self-esteem.

You will see this idea repeated often in this book—be supportive. Focus on the positive, and reinforce the positive at every opportunity. This is what the survivor needs most.

7

Tell survivors what a wonderful person the deceased was.

Focus on the positive. If you are nervous about this and you do not know quite what to say, practice! Sit down and make a list of the deceased’s good traits, and then expand that list to include why each of the traits was good. How did the deceased use these traits? Was there a great smile that greeted people each day? Was there a contagious laugh that livened up any event? What about a strong work ethic? Did the deceased work hard and stick to commitments until the job was completed? There are so many things that you can look for and easily find.

But a list may just be an outline for you. Sometimes we not only need a script, but we need to rehearse it. At home or even in the car on your way to visit the survivor, practice what you want to say. Talk out loud until you feel comfortable, or take a small tape recorder with you and listen to yourself. See what you think works and what you think does not. By the time you are on the spot, the words most likely will flow out of you and you will not feel intimidated or embarrassed or worried that you might say the wrong thing. When you talk about good traits and focus on the positive, there isn’t anything that is the “wrong thing” to say.

Be cautious, however, and do not overdo it by being so complementary that you sound fake. You do not want to insult the survivor by sounding like you are forcing yourself to come up with memories or creating stories that appear to be too much. Be honest and be positive. By being yourself, you will come out looking great and being helpful.

8

Share happy memories.

You can go back to the previous suggestion to get ideas for preparing for this. Begin thinking about good times you have shared with the deceased and the survivors. There always is another story to be told, and there always are laughs to be had with these stories. You may want to use these stories to entertain others who also are visiting the survivor. This takes some pressure off of the survivor, and it allows others to jump in and share their happy memories as well.

Another nice idea is to buy a journal and write down some of your fondest memories of time spent with the deceased. Share this with or even give it to the survivor. This is a wonderful tribute to the deceased, a tribute that includes the best memories and good times. The survivor will be able to reread the stories at his or her convenience, and it will be a nice item to hand down through generations. This is especially nice for a person who has lost a spouse and has children. When the initial wave of grief passes and life gets back on track for the family, this will comfort them when they gather and read it together. For small children, it will be a perfect way to learn about their mother or father.

9

Do not remind survivors of the deceased’s faults.

Remember to focus on the positive. Nobody wants to hear about the time the deceased drank too much and acted like a jerk. People need positive reinforcement at a time of grief. People need to find a reason to smile and laugh and remember the happy times, not groan and grunt about the awful times. None of us are perfect, and we all have our faults, but none of us want to be remembe...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Why this Book was Written
• What to Say
• Helpful Things to Do
• Dealing with the Death of a Child
• Helping Children Cope with Death
• During Holidays and Anniversaries
• Gifts
• Crying
• While at the Funeral Home
• Feelings of Survivors
• Support
• Silence and Patience
• General Suggestions
• Index
• About the Author