How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent

A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages

Judith E. Snow

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781560234203
• eBook ISBN: 9781135023058
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: LGBT Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

Sometimes I fantasize about having a magic wand. How awesome it would be to wave it and completely eliminate prejudice, hate, and ignorance. Just imagine what it would be like to live in a world like that.

How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages gives voice to the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of children, adolescents, and young adults who have a gay or lesbian parent. In their own words, they talk openly and candidly about how and when they learned of their parent's sexual orientation and the effect it had on themand their families. Their stories echo themes of prejudice and harassment, conflict and confusion, adaptation and adjustment, and hope for tolerance and a family that can exist in harmony.

Because it's an issue for other people, it becomes an issue for me. I'm angry about the way it works against me.

The stories told in How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent not only reflect the day-to-day struggle of children with a GLBT parent, they also reveal the pain inherent in high-conflict divorce and child custody cases. Children of gay/lesbian parents ranging in age from seven to 31 recall the confusion and grief created when the disclosure of their parent's true sexual orientation ended a marriage and divided a family. The straight parent's resentment can lead to angry remarks thatintentionally or unintentionallydisparage the gay/lesbian parent and threaten the natural love and affection the child feels for both.

I guess the hardest part about having a gay dad is that no matter how okay you are with it, there's always going to be someone who will dislike you because of it.

The one-on-one interviews presented in How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent document first-hand the effects of homophobia on family life. Children struggle with the choice between living in a closet, shamed by peers and family members, or dealing with discrimination as a parent's sexual orientation is used against them. Taken together, these stories make a statement for acceptance, understanding, and tolerance as children do their best to make the transition from a traditional family to a nontraditional lifestyle.

My mom is a normal person just like everyone else. The only thing that's different about her is that she's gay and if you can't deal with it, you're just going to have to live with it.

How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages offers comfort and support to children from those who share their journey. The book is a valuable aid for practitioners working with children of GLBT parents and an educational tool for GLBT adults considering children.

–1–

Chris, Age Seventeen

I was eight years old when I found out my dad was gay. We went on vacation to Key West and he just told me. He said, “Come here, I have something to tell you. Do you know what gay means?”

I said, “Yes. It means you’re happy.”

He said, “It means it’s when two men like each other.” Then he asked me if I had any questions.

When I look back on it, I think we were on vacation with his partner at the time. I just thought he was my dad’s friend.

At the time I knew what gay meant but I hadn’t formed an opinion yet. I didn’t really tell anyone. I hated middle school because everyone was trying to fit in. The kids at school would call you names and one of them was “fag.” So my dad being gay was a big deal then and I kept it a secret. That bothered me more than anything; I mean, I didn’t tell anyone but one girl. She knew about it all through middle school and she never said anything bad about my dad. I wish I could have been more open, but, then again, I guess there really wasn’t much to talk about.

The way I feel about it now is that I’m fine with it. I’m happy about it, actually, because it’s really opened up my mind more. If both my parents were straight I might have turned out like other people who think it’s abnormal. I’m not really hiding it anymore; if it comes up, it comes up. Everyone that knows about it now is okay with it.

I was born in Elgin, Illinois, and I lived there until I was eight. Then we moved to Woodstock, Illinois. Woodstock is a small town, but people there were okay with it. That’s where I go to high school and last year I went to the prom. One boy brought another boy to prom and most people were impressed by his courage.

I think the best thing about my dad being gay is that my dad and I got closer. A barrier came down that I didn’t know was up. I’m closer to my mom, too. I’ve been sheltered from a lot of stuff so it brought all of us closer together.

My dad has had a partner for the past two or three years. They live together and seem real happy, and I like him. There was another guy, the first one I remember. John was a great guy—seemed completely at peace with everything. I totally looked up to him, like an older brother. He took me to my first COLAGE conference seven years ago. After a while, he got really sick. I found out he had AIDS and each time I saw him he looked worse and worse. He was older than my dad.

One night while I was still in middle school, the phone rang at my mom’s. My dad was on the phone and told me, “John died last night.” I went to the memorial and my dad was a wreck.

John left me some crystals for my rock collection with a message: “Put these under your pillow and they will bring you luck.” I put them between my mattresses and not long ago I moved my bed and found the crystals. They were still there! I learned so much from John.

My mom remarried ten years ago, but before that it was just her and me. I loved Thursday nights. We’d rent a movie, order a pizza, and she’d clean the house. My stepdad’s okay for the most part, but he’s a little narrow-minded and stubborn sometimes. You know, he’s right because he says so. I think he’s envious of me because I’m having my childhood and he missed his.

I guess the hardest part about having a gay dad is that no matter how okay you are with it, there’s always going to be someone who will dislike you because of it.

It’s too bad there are still people like that out there, but it doesn’t matter really. One of my teachers passed out a survey about having a gay teacher. Most of the kids were okay with it, but one guy was really opposed. Everyone challenged him. The funniest thing about it was that my dad was a teacher at the time.

I think the best part about my dad being gay is that I’m much more open-minded. I feel more at peace and I’m a good listener. I learned so much from John. How would I have turned out if this weren’t my life?

When my mom and dad broke up it went all right. They’ve all been fine. My mom told me that it just didn’t work out. I live with my mom and see my dad every now and then, mostly because I started working part-time, and I’ll be a senior this year.

I’m just glad that in my family my dad being gay was accepted. I mean, it was no big thing. My stepdad might have some minor issues with it, but he’s never said anything.

I didn’t know anyone else with a gay parent while I was growing up, but now I know lots of kids! COLAGE is a great thing. As far as my own sexual orientation, I’m only seventeen years old and as of right now, I’m straight, but who knows what’s to come?

I wish for everyone in the world to be happy and open-minded, and not judgmental—you know, to tolerate. If this was achieved, that’s all we would need. What else could you ask for?

–2–

Keila, Age Seven

I’ve seen some TV shows and found out that when a man lives with a man, that’s gay. My mom told me about it, too, when I was five. I didn’t feel bad; I felt fine and I still do. I like having my dog, Cleo, and I have a parrot, three cockatiels, and three parakeets.

I never told anyone about my mom. I don’t want them to know that my mom’s gay. None of my friends know, but my dad does; I see him every weekend. They weren’t married. Dad followed Mom around and that’s how they got together. My mom and dad went to court and now he has to pay child support. He’s a little bit upset about my mom. My grandma—she’s my mom’s mom, was upset about my mom being gay, too.

My mom met Yvonne when I was three. She lives with us so I have two moms. I see my dad’s mom but not my mom’s. She has too much trouble with her boyfriend and she asks too many questions.

The only bad thing about my mom being gay is that I can’t tell anyone. I have four best friends, but I haven’t told anyone. There is one girl at school who I can talk to a little. I don’t want to be gay when I grow up. I wish I were already a grownup; I’d be a teacher or a doctor. I’m only in second grade, though.

My dad’s Salvadorian and my mom’s Mexican American. I wouldn’t change anything about my family, but I wish that my mom and dad would never have fights.

TWO YEARS LATER

My mom and dad don’t fight anymore; it’s real better now. I think my grandma is better with my mom being gay, but I don’t go over there because my mom doesn’t want me to. I see my dad’s mom because he lives with her. She’s okay with it. I see my dad every weekend, and I like it that way.

How I feel about my mom now is I feel great—as long as they’re happy. I still have my mom to talk to, but I still don’t know anyone else with a gay parent, but I’d like to. It doesn’t make me feel alone though.

School is the hardest thing about this. I just ignore the kids at school. People at school talk about my mom and stuff. Like they say, “At least my mom isn’t gay.” Every day kids say something. Teachers stick up for me. The kids either have to change their conduct or get sent to the office.

The kids at school know because the teacher had a meeting with my mom and he asked me in class what I preferred. He said, “Should I say ‘mom and mom’ or ‘mom and stepmom’?” That’s how they found out. A boy overheard it and said, “Your mom is gay!” A boy from last year knows and he never said anything to anybody and he’s still my friend.

I’m in fourth grade, and I don’t really like school. I don’t like it because of the people making fun of me and stuff and because of the way the classrooms are set up. It’s a church and they just divide it into four rooms, so the teacher has to speak loud. My mom tells me, “Just put up a brick wall around your ears.”

People make fun of my mom, and I just don’t like it and it’s real mean to do that. Mostly boys do; boys are boys and they’re going to be boys. Just one girl says things. Like she says, “Your mom is so gay.” My mom says just look them in the eyes and when they’re finished just say, “Okay,” or like, “What?”

My mom is a normal person just like everyone else. The only thing that’s different about her is that she’s gay, and if you can’t deal with it you’re just going to have to live with it.

The best part of all this is my mom being happy, because I don’t want her to be sad or anything because that makes me sad.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be gay—like I might be because I’m learning from my mom. It’s something that they choose to be, but it’s possible that they’re born this way. I wish I could change how people react and stuff to me and make my mom so happy that she’s smiling every day.

I’m real happy that my mom and dad don’t fight anymore—it’s real better now. I still want to be a teacher or a doctor.

–3–

Meredith, Age Twenty

I was a teenager when I found out that my dad was gay. It was kind of a haphazard situation. I was walking down the street with Andy. Andy was my dad’s friend’s son who he kind of adopted. He was living with us then and was a couple of years older than me. Andy revealed the fact that my dad was gay, assuming that I already knew. It never crossed my mind until that moment. Andy said, “Think about it, the pink triangle in the window …”

I knew what gay meant. I just had very little exposure to gays, but I never had a problem with it. I remember feeling surprised when I found out. I felt kind of stupid for not figuring it out myself. I think Andy told my dad about it and that was touching. The very next day my dad took me out to dinner. He told me outright and asked me if I knew what it meant and how I felt about it. It was fine with me. It doesn’t make you any different as a dad; you’re still my dad.

I was actually six years old when my parents got divorced. It wasn’t a messy divorce. I was just sad about the breakup, and I miss the house I grew up in. I remember my dad brought my mom flowers and I was surprised because I thought they hated each other. My mother first had custody of us then she remarried a year later so we moved to my stepdad’s, where I’ve been ever since. My mother married John, who was my dad’s best friend. I was sad that my dad wasn’t at the wedding. I thought John was really cool when I was young, but when he became my stepdad his authority kicked in and he changed. My dad and John are civil with each other when the kids are involved. They get along at least superficially.

My dad’s been with Milt for four or five years and he lives with us. It was a little strange at first because I wondered if I would have another parental figure and wondered if it would change my life. Milt worshiped us and he makes my dad happy. He’s an English professor and writing a book about gay men that have been married.

I was pretty open with my friends about my dad. I was in the seventh grade at the time. When I told my friends, they thought it was great. I never experienced anything negative, but I was asked if I was gay. I was lucky to be in the group I was in. The school was pretty open.

I was always close to my dad, but after he came out we got closer. He put out a gay magazine and things were different because of that. Gay people were always at the house. My relationship with my mom didn’t change. I really never talked to my mom about my dad being gay. We still haven’t talked about it. We acknowledge it, but there’s been no purpose or reason to. When I was seventeen my mother had me see a psychiatrist because I was acting out. My mother is a psychiatric nurse and she told the doctor about my gay dad being a potential stressor. That made me angry. The doctor just assumed it was a difficult thing so I cried, and he put me on Wellbutrin.

There’s been no hard part to this, maybe explaining to someone who isn’t open-minded. There are a lot of really good things that resulted. It brought me a lot closer to my dad. If he can tell me about himself, I can tell him anything. And knowing gay people has really broadened my life and it has also opened my eyes to the cause—not just gay rights but human rights. Every aspect of my dad being gay is just fine with me. I have a lot of parents who are open-minded and enlightened, except my stepdad is just a little controlling.

I’ve wondered about my own sexual orientation, but I pretty quickly came to the conclu...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• About the Author
• Contents
• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgements
• 1. Chris, Age Seventeen
• 2. Keila, Age Seven
• 3. Meredith, Age Twenty
• 4. Trisha, Age Twelve
• 5. Sister and Brother: Taylor, Age Eight; Justin, Age Ten
• 6. Ruth, Age Twenty
• 7. Angel, Age Seven
• 8. Sophia, Age Thirteen
• 9. Jarod, Age Twenty-Six
• 10. Three Sisters: Miranda, Age Seven; Lilly, Age Nine; and Avery, Age Eleven
• 11. Erin, Age Fourteen
• 12. Stacey, Age Eighteen
• 13. Tara, Age Thirteen
• 14. Kelly, Age Twenty
• 15. Ally, Age Ten
• 16. Nicole, Age Thirty-One
• 17. Alanna, Age Eight
• 18. Lydia, Age Twenty-Five
• 19. Andrew, Age Thirteen
• 20. Chloe, Age Ten
• 21. Clara, Age Twenty
• 22. Rickey, Age Fourteen
• 23. Brother and Sister: Nathan, Age Sixteen; Rachel, Age Eighteen
• 24. Renee, Age Twenty-Eight
• 25. Brian, Age Eighteen
• 26. Bernadette, Age Fifteen
• 27. Jamie, Age Eighteen
• 28. Alicia, Age Sixteen
• Summary
• Resource Guide
• Index