Children and Death

Costa Papadatos, Danai Papadatou, Costa Papadatos, Danai Papadatou

• Publisher: Taylor & Francis
• Year: 2013
• eBook ISBN: 9781134936250
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Selected papers from the 1st International Conference on Children and Death, held in October/November 1989 in Athens. It was attended by over 500 participants from all over the world.

Chapter 1

Explaining Death to Children and to Ourselves

Earl A. Grollman

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heavens: A time to be born, and a time to die. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Sorrow makes us all children again.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

It was more than two decades ago when I wrote my book Explaining Death to Children. At that time, the subject was taboo. Somehow, many people believed that if death was not discussed, it would magically disappear. Since that time we have learned that just as we cannot protect ourselves from life, so we cannot protect our youngsters from death. Traumatic experiences belong to both adulthood and childhood.

Where can one turn in tragedy if no one will admit that there is a tragedy? If loss can be acknowledged, we find comfort in what we mean to each other-even in the midst of lingering pain and loneliness. Death is a universal and inevitable process that must be faced by people of all ages. Children who are able to participate with their families, after the death of someone they love, will be better equipped to understand and manage the emotions of their grief. It is in that spirit that I present the following guidelines for helping explain death to children.

Do Not Avoid the Subject of Death in the Home, the School, the Church or Synagogue.

One of the most difficult tasks following the loss of a loved one is discussing death with children. The problem is intensified when adults are in the midst of coming to terms with their own grief. The feelings and perspectives of youngsters are often overlooked because of the false assumption that young people are just too sensitive and cannot possibly cope with this difficult subject. Yet in reality they are confronted with it: in word and song, in the natural world of plants and animals, as well as among their families and friends, and in the daily news.

Good mental health is not the denial of tragedy, but the frank acknowledgement of painful separation. One of the worst difficulties is youngsters’ lack of understanding because of adult secrecy. Remember, a person is a person, no matter how small.

Do Not Discourage the Emotions of Grief.

Many times we overlook the fact that grief comes to all of us. Children, too, know sorrow. Grief enables people of all ages to come to grips with the reality of change in their lives and to establish new patterns of existence.

Grief is an emotion, not a disease. It is as natural as crying when one is hurt, eating when hungry, sleeping when weary. Grief is nature's way of healing a broken heart. Children undergo many of the same emotional reactions to death that mature adults experience. They have needs that must not be overlooked and feelings that require full expression. Repressed emotions can be dangerous and lead to further distress and even mental illness. It is vital that children be allowed to express painful sentiments when they first experience them.

Do Not Tell Youngsters Something They Will Later Need to Unlearn.

Death cannot be swept under the rug, shut in a closet, or explained through fairy tales and half-truths. Trust and truth are children's needs. For example, adults often suggest that the dead person is “sleeping” and will someday, magically, return during the child's lifetime. However, when the realization of the loss sets in, the child may take his or her parents to task for not having told the truth of the death. Adults may avoid explaining death, or try to explain it with fantasies because they wish to appear to know all the answers. Mature people do not have to profess infinite knowledge.

Use words like die, or dead, not went away on a long journey, left, lost, or passed away. Distortions of reality create lasting harm. It is far healthier to share with children the quest for wisdom than to appease their immediate curiosity with fairy tales in the guise of fact.

Do Not Alter the Role of the Child.

The living youngster does not replace a dead sibling. When a parent dies, the child does not suddenly become the “man” or the “woman” of the home. Children should be encouraged to be with their own friends and become involved once again in their usual activities. No child (or adult) should be told to “be brave.” Having to put on a false front makes grieving that much more difficult.

It is preferable for the conversations about death to take place in a familiar setting—at home if possible. Talk in a quiet, honest, and straightforward manner. Gently explain what happened, and why there is so much sorrow. Try to encourage further dialogue. When adults lend a sympathetic ear, they are, in the best sense, catalysts for a child's understanding and healing.

Do Not Speak Beyond a Child's Level of Comprehension.

Since so much depends upon each youngster's stage of development, the grieving process in children is highly complex. For instance, a 3-year-old's understanding of death (and the mourning process) will be different from that of a 6-year-old.

Psychologist Maria Nagy explored the meaning of death to children of various ages. She found that at age 3-5, children deny that death is final. To them it is like going to sleep, or like a parent's going to work or away on a brief vacation. Between 5 and 9, youngsters accept the idea that someone else has died, but usually not until the age of 10 do they understand that they themselves will die.

Don't rush with explanations that children cannot understand, or plan one big “tell it all.” Thought must be translated into the comprehension of each child. Avoid abstractions by using simple and direct language.

Do Allow Children to Go Through Their Own Individual Stages of Grief.

Youngsters, as adults, act out their emotions in a variety of contexts. Experts have determined that grieving children may express varied feelings, which could include the following.

Shock and Denial“It can't be true.” Children at first may not accept the fact that the death has really occurred, and may act as though it did not happen. Thoughts of loss can be so overwhelming! Youngsters are not unfeeling or hard-hearted even if, initially, they seem to take the death lightly. They simply need time to cushion themselves against the impact of the tragedy.

Physical Symptoms“I feel sick.” Children may express various complaints, such as stomachaches or headaches. Anxiety is often expressed in bodily distress.

Anger“Why did God let it happen?” Being mostly concerned with their own needs, youngsters may be furious with the person who died, thus causing them and their family much grief. Hostility may be directed toward God because a “miracle” did not keep the person alive. Feelings of rage are a normal response to death. Children should know that “nice” people sometimes become angry.

Guilt“Why did I . . . ?” “Why didn't I . . . ?” Children may believe that they caused the death by having been naughty. They may feel responsible for not having been “better” in some way. Perhaps they had angry thoughts about the person, or were not quiet enough in the house. Reassure them again and again that they did not in any way cause the death.

Jealousy“How come Peter's father is still alive?” It is difficult to witness families that are still intact. Envy is as old as Cain and Abel, Joseph and his brothers, David and Saul.

Anxiety and Fear“If you die too, who will take care of me?” Children may fear that another member of the family will also die. They may panic at the thought that they could become ill with the same sickness that caused the death of the person. They may cling to those who play an important role in their life and ask them, “Do you really love me?” If the death was a sudden one, explain how rare this is and assure the youngster that you and they can expect to live a long, long time.

Sadness and Loneliness“Can't my brother come back? I miss him, and I want to play with him.” It is natural to want to talk, touch, and share with the deceased. It is normal to feel empty and alone because it is difficult to adjust to a new situation in life. Allow for crying. Tears—wet and warm—help to wash away feelings of frustration, sorrow, and anger. But be aware that tears are not the only measure of a child's grief. Unfortunately the crying, boisterous child receives the most sympathy. Less demonstrative youngsters also need adult attention and support.

There is no single way for children to grieve. Just provide the environment in which emotions can be shared freely. If more than one child is involved, spend undistracted time with each one alone.

Do Make Referrals to Other Supportive People.

There are many times when even the best intentions of an adult are simply inadequate. You should consider seeking professional help if, after many months, children continue to display one of the following behaviors:

•Look sad all the time with prolonged depression

•Keep a fast pace and are unable to relax the way they used to, with you and their friends

•Do not care about how they dress and look

•Seem tired or unable to sleep, with their health suffering markedly

•Avoid social activities and wish more and more to be alone

•Are indifferent to school and hobbies they once enjoyed

•Feel worthless, with bitter self-incrimination

•Rely on drugs and/or alcohol

•Allow their moods to control them instead of controlling their moods.

Seeking further help from a guidance counselor, a school psychologist, or a mental health facility is not an admission of weakness. On the contrary, it is a demonstration of courageous resolve to seek assistance during difficult times.

Do Notify the Child's School or Day Care Center About the Death.

Often children who are grieving regress, do less well, or seem “out of it.” Inform the school so that teachers may understand the child's possible change in behavior. Staff can offer extra support and understanding only when they are notified of the crisis in the child's life.

Also consider suggesting that the school make death education part of the curriculum. Clifton Fadiman wrote in his afterword to an edition of Louisa May Alcott's Little Men the following passage: “The most moving episode has to do with John Brooke's death and funeral. As I read it, I find myself wondering why most books for children are afraid to mention death.” It is not a question of whether children will receive death education, since they witness so much violence on television. The challenge is to provide death education that is helpful and informative.

Do Encourage Children to Participate in the Family Sorrow.

Children, too, need to express their emotions through the ceremonies of death—the visitation, the funeral, the “Shivah,” the burial. They should be told that a funeral is a significant occasion, a chance to say good-bye to the one who died. Explain the funeral arrangements, and if possible include the children in the discussion. Let them know what to expect, and give them permission to attend.

Some children worry about the dead person suffocating in the grave. Reassure them that the deceased does not need to breathe, and that the person no longer suffers or feels pain.

Allow children to participate in the rituals as they wish. If they are reluctant to attend the service, do not force them or make them feel ashamed. Be sensitiv...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Contributors
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 Explaining Death to Children and to Ourselves
• Part One Death In The World Of Children And Adolescents
• Part Two Grieving Children And Families
• Part Three Dying Children, Families, And ProfEssionals
• Part Four: Programs For The Care Of Dying Children And Their Families
• Part Five: Parental Bereavement And Adjustment To The Loss Of A Child
• Part Six: Stress, Coping, And Needs Of Professionals
• Conclusion
• Epilogue
• Index