Working With Alienated Children and Families

A Clinical Guidebook

Amy J. L. Baker, S. Richard Sauber, Amy J. L. Baker, S. Richard Sauber

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN:
  9780415518024
• eBook ISBN:
  9781136340048
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Forensic Psychology
• Index: Psychology

This edited volume is written by and for mental health professionals who work directly with alienated children and their parents. The chapters are written by leaders in the field, all of whom know how vexing parental alienation can be for mental health professionals.

No matter how the professional intersects with families affected by alienation, be it through individual treatment, reunification therapy, a school setting, or support groups, he or she needs to consider how to make proper assessments, how to guard against bias, and when and how to involve the court system, among other challenges.

The cutting edge clinical interventions presented in this book will help professionals answer these questions and help them to help their clients. The authors present a range of clinical options such as parent education, psycho-educational programs for children, and reunification programs for children and parents that make this volume a useful reference and practical guide.

1Introduction

Amy J. L. Baker

Parental alienation—defined generally as the problem of children’s unjustified rejection of a parent in response to inter-parental conflict and loyalty issues—is not a new problem. It has been around as long as there have been two parents to compete for the love of a child. In the 1980s Richard Gardner (1998) coined the term parental alienation syndrome (PAS) to describe eight behaviors that children exhibit when they have been manipulated by one parent to unjustifiably reject the other parent. Since then, there has been intense interest in this problem and a growing consumer demand for information and solutions.

Despite the overwhelming documentation that some children can be subjected to parental pressure that results in their vehement and unwarranted rejection of the other parent, there are voices of dissent in the field. While most endorse the basic tenet that children can be manipulated to reject a parent with whom the child has had a positive relationship up until that point and has done nothing to deserve such treatment, some take issue with the classification of PAS as a disorder believing it will result in stigmatizing children and not holding parents accountable for their behavior. Others object because the concept can be misused by zealous attorneys who want to deflect blame from battering husbands. Still others argue that targeted parents—while not necessarily physically abusive—typically lack parenting skills, which accounts for the rejection by their children.

It is beyond the scope of this book to systematically identify and address each of the criticisms but suffice it to say that the editors believe none of these considerations are supported by the facts or, if true, would invalidate the concept. Nonetheless, the detractors have made it difficult to disseminate research findings to a broad audience because some journals have formed opposing camps of those that will and those that will not publish parental alienation research. They have discouraged the kind of dialogue and knowledge-generation activities that are necessary for improved prevention and intervention.

As this book demonstrates, it is time for the field to move beyond these distracting and side-tracking issues and focus systematically and thoughtfully on gathering information and knowledge and making wisdom garnered from clinical experience available to those on the front line. Despite the controversy, professionals in the trenches know what they are dealing with and want tools for addressing the real and complex problems posed by parental alienation. This book represents the first collected volume of writings by and for clinicians identifying and treating parental alienation. Below, eight themes that are echoed throughout the book are briefly introduced.

Importance of Differentiating Alienation from Estrangement

As Kelley and Johnston (2001) rightly argued—and Gardner himself made this point as well—not all children who refuse visitation have been manipulated to do so. Some cases of visitation refusal represent rational responses to abusive parenting or reflect developmentally influenced responses to parental divorce that are outside the scope of manipulation of the favored parent. Thus, it is critical that clinicians in decision-making positions are familiar with the differential diagnosis between estrangement and alienation and are sufficiently competent and courageous to identify alienation when it is present. It appears likely that many clinicians (parenting coordinators, child and family counselors, mediators, custody evaluators, reunification specialists) fall back on the position that “most cases are hybrid cases.” This is problematic for two reasons. First, no nationally representative data exist to support this claim. Second, even if it were true, each case must be evaluated and treated on its own terms with the clinician open to the possibility that it might be alienation, it might be estrangement, or it might be a combination of the two. If the clinician starts from the premise that alienation is rare, he or she may prematurely and falsely conclude that a particular case is one of estrangement rather than alienation. Miller (this volume) demonstrates the faulty logic and poor clinical practice that such thinking reflects and how it can result in disastrous outcomes for children and families.

Seeing Beyond “He Said/She Said”

Alienation is likely present in high-conflict divorce cases, characterized by ongoing litigation regarding access and abuse. A custody evaluation is likely to occur at some point during the litigation and the evaluator will be appointed by the court to conduct personality, parenting, and child and family assessments. Each parent will have an opportunity to present to the evaluator his or her version of the family’s history, the parenting capacities of the other parent, and the functioning of the children; a version likely to be diametrically at odds with the other parent’s presentation. Sauber and Worenklein (this volume) suggest that in all cases, especially those in which alienation is a potential issue, the evaluator must take a PA-informed approach, paying careful attention to false allegations, discrepancies between the words and actions of the favored parent, the validity of the child’s stated reasons for rejecting one parent, and a thorough consideration of collateral contacts. There are no short cuts in such an evaluation. Further, concluding that alienation is present—that the blame is not evenly distributed between the warring parents—is likely to anger the favored parent and his or her attorney as well as create discomfort for the judge, who will be placed in a position of having to go beyond a “middle of the road” decision. Approval seeking and non-threatening recommendations will not be helpful to the best interest of the children. For these reasons, alienation places some professionals outside their comfort zone of “he said/she said” and is, therefore, not for the faint of heart.

Targeted Parents Need to be Strategic

Dealing with alienation is in many respects counterintuitive for both the clinician and the parent. Usual strategies for responding to one’s rageful and spiteful ex-spouse and disaffected and entitled children do not work and can actually exacerbate the situation. Targeted parents need help in developing strategic responses to the many frustrations and challenges they face. As a result, some parents are choosing to work with a mental health consultant, a new role in this burgeoning field. As described by Bone and Sauber (this volume), the mental health consultant can help targeted parents navigate the many landmines of the legal and mental health systems in order to achieve the right to preserve or repair relationships with their children. Other targeted parents, however, will go it alone. Regardless, there is practice wisdom available for targeted parents that can be offered by and explored with therapists, by family attorneys, and potential mental health consultants to their case. For example, while it may be natural to respond to a child’s false accusation by vehemently providing proof of the child’s mistake, this may backfire and entrench the alienation, as well as increase the level of conflict between the already embattled targeted parent and the angry and disaffected child. Baker and Fine (this volume) propose a PA-informed approach entailing starting from a place of empathy and mutual problem-solving with the child (without apologizing for something that did not happen). By remaining calm, loving, and empathically attuned to the child, the parent can show him- or herself to be a safe, loving, and available parent, which can be an effective antidote to the lies and misinformation of the alienating parent.

Working with Targeted Parents can be Stressful and Frustrating

Providing individual therapy to targeted parents can be a complicated and difficult endeavor because of the level of intense emotion likely to be expressed and felt by the client. Short of the death of a child, being a targeted parent is one of the most painful experiences a parent can face and unlike a death there is no closure and often an absence of sympathy or understanding from previously supportive friends and family. Clinicians working with targeted parents must ensure that they are well read on the subject and able to tolerate the intense grief and pain their clients are facing. As William and Lorna Goldberg (this volume) highlight, therapists of targeted parents must contend with the client’s profound frustration—if not anger—that the therapist cannot directly fix the problem; rage at the injustice inflicted by a seemingly incompetent and uncaring family court system; as well as the paralyzing shame of being rejected by one’s children. Therapists must be immensely empathic while exquisitely clear that they hold no magic wand to bring the child around and no crystal ball to know which actions will work to end the pain. Some of the emotional issues experienced by targeted parents are also present for the therapist, in a parallel process. For example, therapists of targeted parents may also become demoralized by the shame of not being powerful enough to fix the targeted parent’s problem. They too may become guilt ridden when experiencing pleasure in the face of such pain. They too may need to take a break from dealing with alienation in order to recharge and regain their energy and focus for tackling such a complex problem. Awareness of these parallel process issues can help clinicians working with targeted parents maintain their balance and hone their clinical skills so that they can provide a much-needed source of support to these embattled and fragile parents.

The Healing Power of Support for Parents and Children

Being a targeted parent is a shame-inducing, frustrating, painful, and demoralizing process. A common experience for targeted parents is to feel like they are the only one going through this and that no one can possibly understand the level of pain and the degree of frustration involved. Thus, unlike dealing with cancer, divorce, or even the death of a child, being a targeted parent involves the double experience of facing a significant trauma while being denied the natural base of support to cope with the pain and suffering. Unfortunately, many people in the existing network of a targeted parent are likely to misunderstand the experience and either minimize the problem (i.e., say that the children will figure it out and come running back in no time) or encourage the targeted parent to take actions that could be quite unhelpful (i.e., taking a “wait and see” attitude).

In response to these common experiences of targeted parents, parental alienation support groups have sprung up on the Internet as well as in communities around the country. The International Support Network for Alienated Families (ISNAF) may be the largest such group. Lebow (this volume) identifies several issues that are likely to be particularly salient for PAS social support groups, including conflict between those with a mothers’ rights perspective and those with a fathers’ right perspective, tension between those who want to engage in advocacy and those who want to focus on social support, and the feelings that can arise when members of the group are at different stages of alienation. While there are no hard and fast rules for dealing with any of these complexities, a seasoned mental health professional familiar with parental alienation can address each of these considerations in a sensitive manner that enhances the community of the group and the healing of the individuals.

Children whose parents are divorced or engaging in behaviors that evoke feelings of divided loyalty also need social support. Many schools already offer a support group for children of divorce but none of the existing groups appear to focus on loyalty conflicts/parental alienation per se. Schools represent ideal locations for such groups because they are neutral locations (i.e., not specifically affiliated with either parent) and have a vested interest in helping children effectively cope with their emotional issues in order to prevent them from interfering with academic and behavioral functioning. The I Don’t Want To Choose (IDWTC) program (Baker & Andre, this volume) is based on the premise that children generally benefit from having a relationship with both parents and that what they need are tools for removing themselves from the conflict which do not involve aligning with one parent against the other. Four such tools are presented throughout the IDWTC book and workbook, and form the basis of the activities in the school-based program (e.g., critical thinking skills, considering options, listening to one’s heart, and asking for support). The IDWTC program holds promise for helping prevent alienation and its long-term negative outcomes for children and families.

The Child’s Therapist as a “Port in the Storm”

When co-parents become intractably conflicted, when they separate or divorce, their children typically struggle with a great breadth of powerful and disruptive emotions. In response, parents commonly seek out mental health supports for their children. Unfortunately, in the absence of proper precautions, the mental health professional who accepts this child in psychotherapy is at very high risk not only of doing harm to the child but compromising his or her own professional ethics and legal responsibilities.

Garber (this volume) discusses how the destructive dynamics that characterize many high-conflict divorcing families can triangulate the child therapy and the child’s therapist. He describes the steps that the conscientious child-centered mental health professional must take to screen every child referral from the first contact so as to minimize the risk of therapist alienation. The key, he writes, is the therapist’s willingness and ability to establish proper roles and boundaries, and to incorporate both parents within the limits of the law while always respecting the child’s confidentiality, so as to provide the child a port in the storm.

Alienated Children can be Reunified

Some targeted parents are able to prevail upon the courts to order an intensive residential reunification for the rejected parent and the alienated child, such as family bridges (Warshak & Otis, 2010). Obviously, this is not the norm as few such programs exist, are costly, and too few judges have the courage and foresight to order that kind of intervention. Thus, a common solution in such cases is outpatient therapeutic reunification. It appears that many clinicians claim to conduct reunification therapy when in fact they do nothing more than routine individual or dyadic therapy—and there is no evidence that either of these modalities alone can reverse severe alienation. In fact they may cause great harm (Sauber, 2010). By contrast, three promising parental alienation-informed outpatient approaches are offered in this volume (by Weitzman, Kelly & Burkhard, and Gottlieb).

The common thread among each of these approaches is the importance of working with the courts to create a clear and compelling incentive for the alienating parent to participate in the effort. In the absence of the threat of sanctions it is highly unlikely that any outpatient treatment can reverse alienation because as soon as the alienating parent senses the child moving towards a more balanced relationship with both parents, he or she will refuse to deliver the child to treatment and/or actively turn the child against the therapist. Only a highly skilled clinician who can balance empathy with a willingness to use threats of the “strong arm of the law” can make headway with cases of entrenched alienation. Needless to say, the courts must have the courage of their convictions to impose these sanctions or else, like most court orders, they will be nothing more than paper tigers.

It is Never too Late to Recover and Reunite

Ideally, the courts, the mental health community, and the parents will work together to allow children to make and maintain the healthiest relationships possible with both parents before alienation takes hold in their hearts and minds. Next best is swift and effective interventions, such as those described in this book, while the affected children are still young and can repair the damage due to the alienation and loss of the rejected parent. Unfortunately, for all of the reasons outlined in this book (faulty diagnosis of the problem, ineffective approaches, poor or no planning for the solution by clinicians and evaluators, sabotage of treatment by alienating parents, improper therapeutic interventions, and so forth), many children reach adulthood still alienated from one parent by the other.

Some enter psychotherapy for the first time as adults who come to therapy on their own—outside the reach of the courts. For many, this is the first opportunity to receive mental health counseling and supportive assistance in taking a second look at their childhood. Often these individuals enroll in therapy for reasons related to alienation (poor interpersonal relationships, depression/anxiety, difficulty trusting others, low self-esteem) while not being aware of alienation per se or its impact on their life. Like any sub-population of clients, there are unique issues that are likely to arise over the course of treatment, such as shame at having participated in the alienation, grieving for the “lost years,” deciding whether and how to confront the alienating parent, and working through reunification with the targeted parent. Rabiega and Baker (this volume) provide concrete guidance to clinicians as well as an inspirational first-hand account of living with and recovering from parental alienation syndrome.

Each chapter in this book provides the latest and very best thinking from a team of dedicated and experienced clinicians. Each chapter calls for the very best information and guidance from mental health professionals, including consultants who choose to work with families affected by parental alienation. The impetus for this effort is the prevention of the likely long-term negative consequences of unfettered alienation on the well-being and functioning of children over the course of their life (Baker, 2007). Understanding these long-term effects should embolden the courts and the clinicians to go above and beyond routine care to apply a parental alienation-informed perspective to diagnosis, custody evaluations, social support groups for children and parents, individual therapy and education for parents and children, and efforts to achieve family reunification. Anything less is too little, too late.

References

Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind. New York: W. W. Norton.

Gardner, R. A. (1998). The parental alienation syndrome: A guide for mental health and legal professionals. Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics.

Kelly, J. B., & Johnston, J. R. (2001). The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome. Family Court Review, 39(3), 249–266.

Sauber, S. R. (2010). Why forensic evaluations are more effective than traditional psychotherapy in helping alienated children. Presented at the Canadian Symposium for Parental Alienation Syndrome, Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, New York, U.S.A.

Warshak, R., & Otis, M. (2010). Helping alienated children with family bridges: Practice, research, and the pursuit of “humbition.” Family Court Review, 48(1), 91–97.

2Clinical Reasoning and Decision-Making in Cases of Child Alignment

Diagnostic and Ther...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword
• Author Biographies
• 1. Introduction
• 2. Clinical Reasoning and Decision-Making in Cases of Child Alignment: Diagnostic and Therapeutic Issues
• 3. Custody Evaluations in Alienation Cases
• 4. The Essential Role of the Mental Health Consultant in Parental Alienation Cases
• 5. Educating Divorcing Parents: Taking Them Beyond the High Road
• 6. Psychotherapy with Targeted Parents
• 7. Supporting Targeted Parents: The International Support Network for Alienated Families
• 8. Psycho-Educational Work with Children in Loyalty Conflict: The “I Don’t Want to Choose” Program
• 9. Providing Effective, Systemically Informed, Child-Centered Psychotherapies for Children of Divorce: Walking on Thin Ice
• 10. Reunification and the One-Way Mirror
• 11. The Application of Structural Family Therapy to the Treatment of Parental Alienation Syndrome
• 12. Family Reunification in a Forensic Setting
• 13. Working with Adult Children of Parental Alienation
• Index