Chasing Adonis

Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection

Tim Bergling

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• eBook ISBN: 9781136573835
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Gender Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

What is it about some men that makes them an object of our deepest desires? And how far are we willing to go in pursuit of those desires?

Chasing Adonis: Gay Men & the Pursuit of Perfection delves into one of the most central mysteries of gay life: What is it gay men find attractive in other men, and why? How much is nature, how much is nurture . . . or maybe just clever marketing? This unique book examines steroid use, body image disorders, gym culture, Internet hook-ups, obsession, stalking, porn, erotic Web sites, strip clubs and everything else that makes gay men act a little bit nutty when they meet someone who drives them crazy! Frank, sexy, and controversial, it uses a light touch to examine a serious subject: how gay society objectifies the male body.

Tim Bergling, author of Sissyphobia: Gay Men and Effeminate Behavior and Reeling in the Years: Gay Men's Perspectives on Age and Ageism, surveys gay men about their individual concepts of beauty and desire and about the almost unattainable Adonis standard many of them set for themselves. Teenagers, senior citizens, and the guys stuck in the middle discuss the idea of perfection, how much it changes or evolves over time, and whether the exterior package outweighs what's inside.

From the author:
It never ceases to amaze me just how powerful the 'd-word''(desire) can be, how it can take control of our lives and shut everything out, sometimes for just a few moments, sometimes for days or weeks at a time, depending on how badly we're smitten. Ask just about anybody, and they can likely pull up a story from their pastor their presentwhen they've done something incredibly stupid or ill-advised, or maybe just something completely out of character, in pursuit of their heart's desire.

Chasing Adonis examines:

• obsession and rejection
  
• self-esteem issues
  
• the allure of youth
  
• preferences in body shapes, types, and sizes
  
• designer genes vs. first impressions
  
• assessing body parts
  
• narcissism or comfort level-why men chase after guys who look like them
  
• AIDS and HIV
  
• gay porn
  
• adult book stores and the Internet
  
• the Calvin Klein ad campaign featuring Marky Mark Wahlberg
  
• the Abercrombie & Fitch ads
  
• Tom of Finland
  
• gay icons
  
• weight training and fitness clubs
  
• steroids and plastic surgery
  
• circuit parties
  
• body dysmorphia
  
• and much more!

Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection is an entertaining and enlightening read for gay men of all ages.

Chapter 1

Eye of the Beholder

We all want something beautiful … man, I wish I was beautiful. “Mr. Jones” Counting Crows

It is said that from the day of his very birth he was loved, admired, and desired, as he was the most beautiful of young men. He was fought over, murdered by one jealous of his beauty and the affections he inspired in others, then brought back to life by the pleadings of the gods themselves. His appearance in spring and summer was said to make the land grow warm and fertile, but his departure to the underworld in autumn and winter each year brought coldness and death.

That’s the Adonis myth of ancient times, and it’s one that scholars say had strong resonance in cultures throughout the Mediterranean. And in many ways the myth still holds true, its echoes carrying forth even to these crazed modern days we live in. Haven’t we all seen beautiful young men fought over, and have not many of us noted how others, jealous of their beauty, wished them nothing but ill fortune? I know I have.

But the Adonis I will speak of in this book isn’t a beautiful mythical boy in the classic sense; rather, he’s an ideal, a goal, or a concept. At times I use the word Adonis to represent the near-unattainable standard many gay men set for themselves as they embark upon a new fitness regimen or a major change of life; most often, I use it to refer to that man, or that kind of man, that we all find ourselves pursuing—or dearly wish might pursue us. He comes in many different forms, ages, stations in life, even sexual orientations. When he makes his appearance it’s always remarkable and, for gay men in particular it seems, invariably memorable.

“He was the lifeguard at the beach where my family used to go on summer day trips,” remembers Johnny, a 28-year-old office worker in Chicago. “I’d actually started hating to go, because I was in that mid-teens rebellious stage, and as soon as we’d get there I’d just start walking down the sand to get away from my parents, be alone. Then the summer I was 15, I saw him up there on his chair. I’ve always wished I could have gotten a picture of him, but I really don’t need one, I can remember pretty much exactly what he looked like … he had a great face, light brown hair cut really short like he was a Marine or something, nice muscles. (Well, hot, actually.) I was already pretty sure I was gay, even though I had a girlfriend at the time. This guy really confirmed it for me. I only saw him three or four times the rest of the summer, but he was in my dreams for years, just my idea of the perfect guy.”

“This may sound weird, but I was only eight years old at the time,” says Jeff, a 16-year-old high school student in Richmond, Virginia. “My family was getting construction done on our house and there was this one construction worker who was in his 20’s … he was very tan from working out in the sun all the time and had light brown hair, he seemed to be very strong, and he had a great build … everyday I would watch him from my porch because I thought he was gorgeous. Then on their last day on the job the crew took me and my brother for a ride in the cherry picker, and I can still remember it, being close to that guy and getting really excited.”

“I never believed in that whole ‘love at first sight’ thing, until the moment I saw Jerry for the first time,” recalls Pat, a 30-year-old attorney in Boston. “It was college, early 90’s, and I was out with some friends at a pub just off campus. In walks this guy, the epitome of tall, dark and handsome, and I was absolutely stunned. As it turns out he happened to know one of the girls in our group, and he came right over, sat down in front of me, looked up in my direction, and smiled. My heart just melted. Eventually we started meeting at that pub alone, and we even ended up dating for a couple of years. We run into each other some these days, we’re still friendly … but that first day, seeing Jerry walk in … I have never forgotten that sight, and I don’t think I ever will.”

Who among us doesn’t remember those times he’s found himself arrested by such a sight, the moment he suddenly came face to face with a guy who could fire up his fantasies and give him fodder for dreams on end? For two years I’ve been quizzing men about their encounters with and concepts and attitudes on beauty; even though they differ greatly according to the individual, I found the reactions to it are largely shared.

For some men it’s all about the eyes: deep dark brown and luminous, or glowing blue like a warm summer sky, glancing in their direction with an unexpected fire and intensity that takes their breath away. Others speak of dazzling smiles that could light up darkened rooms, or take the gloom off the drabbest winter day. Some talk of the face as a whole, a compendium of features that create the rugged good looks like a cowboy of old, or perhaps the fresh-scrubbed appearance of the sweetest boy-next-door. There’s the cut of the clothes, a stylish swagger that nearly shouts of confidence and success, or a simple display of pure contentment. Often it’s the form beneath those clothes that sparks the greatest interest, be it a fit and muscular body attesting to youth or one that shows off many years of effort and maintenance. Sometimes it’s the softer shape that appeals most, one that carries its own telling brand of self-assurance, announcing to the world that “I am just happy being me.”

Whatever creates that spark, there’s a strong commonality in the way the flame burns inside, and in the words gay men choose to describe it. “I was 15, and there was this other guy on my swim team, he was a bit older than me,” says Xavier, a 22-year-old computer science student from South Carolina. “He was much better built than your average high school student, and he had a great smile and lots of self-confidence. Of course he became the object of lots of fantasies, from the purely sexual to the all-out romantic. I think I’m still attracted to that type today, someone better built and bigger than I am, with a square jaw and killer smile. Someone that makes me feel safe when they’re holding me.”

“I was probably a freshman in high school when I began to notice some of the ‘heavier’ wrestlers at my school,” says Mike, a 20-year-old theater student in New Jersey. “I always liked guys that were average. Not insanely muscular, but average, kind of ‘couch potato.’ Anyway, in high school there was this one guy, a soccer player who was average-looking, but had an amazing ass … I would find reasons to be late for class just to see him walk down the hallway.”

David is a 25-year-old graphic design student on Long Island; it wasn’t a fellow student or lifeguard that first caught his eye, but rather pictures from an ad campaign that many gay men still remember rather fondly. “I was around 13 or 14, and I became fascinated with those Calvin Klein ads with Mark Wahlberg, who was then known as ‘Marky Mark.’ It was the fine muscled look of his, and the really sexual poses that I reacted to … then I started noticing I was having the same reactions to any man I saw shirtless, or had a sexy pose.”

For Paul, a 36-year-old construction foreman in Kansas City, it was a music video that made one of the strongest impressions on him. “You’re gonna just shoot me for this, but it was that Billy Ray Cyrus, singing ‘Achy Breaky Heart.’ I’d heard that stupid song for weeks on the radio, just hated it, then I saw him singin’ and dancin’ on TV, and fell in love with him. After that I kinda fell in love with the song, too. Isn’t that just awful? Not such a big fan of the song anymore, but he’s still hot.”

A “real live boy” blew Justin away about ten years ago, but just like a model in an ad, or the singer in a music video, he turned out to be inaccessible. “I was in the Air Force, stationed near DC, and we all went down to this bar called Tracks, which isn’t there anymore.” [Tell me about it, Justin, I still miss the place.] “From time to time back then they would have exotic dancers up on boxes by the dance floor, and on that particular night there was this kid, maybe 19, 20 tops, up on the box by the main floor. Jesus Christ, I wish you could have seen him, he had to have had the most perfect face, the hottest body, I have ever seen, and all he was wearing was a g-string … then somehow, without showing all the goods, he somehow slipped that thing off and just held it in front of him. There he was, pretty much naked, in this room with a thousand guys, pumping and grinding to the music … I just stared and stared and stared, he had me locked there in place for the hour or so it felt like he was up there. Then the lights go out, and he’s gone. I searched that bar for hours, trying to find him, I just wanted to say something to him to express my sheer appreciation for his beauty, corny as that sounds. But I never found him. It’s been ten years, and I remember every detail of him like I just saw him last night.”

BEAUTY THAT REMAINS

Keats said that “a thing of beauty is a joy forever: Its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness.” From all that the men I’ve talked with tell me of their first or most memorable encounters with their own visions of Adonis, nothing could be more true. Certainly I find I have lots in common with their tales; hell, I can still remember that May day back in 1972, relatively chaste as it was. But there would be other, less chaste vistas I would soon behold. Like the time back in tenth grade, in the school gym locker room, when I saw a fully realized, near-adult male form naked for the very first time in person. His name was Jose, and he was this tall muscular kid in my class; he had a ripped, V-shaped midsection and well-rounded pecs, along with a killer face and smile, and he was just taking his time getting dressed after taking a shower, not acting shy or self-conscious in the least. To see him like that, a live nude kid just a few feet away from me, was so powerful for my 15-year-old libido that I nearly passed out. You have to remember, the mid-1970s were a vastly different, even innocent time, especially for a suburban teenager. There was no MTV bombarding us with taut male bodies getting busy in a beach house or in some music video; there were no videos or DVDs to rent easily or borrow from a friend; and there was absolutely no Internet to scan for porn or hot pictures, no precocious lads acting out their horniness on a webcam. For a gay boy to stumble upon a vision like that was akin to Columbus stubbing his toe on the Bahamas on his way to find India. Talk about a whole new world; Jose’s body was literally all I could think about, for the rest of the school day, all the way home, and up into my bedroom where there was suddenly some serious pressure that needed to be released …

As it turns out Jose was built very much like the young man that I would happen to fall head over heels in love with just a year later—his name was Billy, someone I’ve spoken of before in other books and someone I’ll speak more of here and there as we go along—and I’ve always wondered if such early and frequent exposure to that particular body type, smack dab in the middle of puberty, didn’t have something to do with how I formed my own sense of desire and of male perfection, much of which lasts to the present day. As I started to research this project, I became curious to find out what the experience of other gay men might be, what kind of man first sparked their interest, and what manner of man they now find attractive. Knowing some of the boneheaded things I’ve done in my time to spend some time with (or simply get a glimpse of) an Adonis or two, I wanted to find out what similar tales other men had to tell … and not just those men who tend to pursue what some might call “classic” or “typical” beauty. What beauty there is comes in all forms and sizes, all ages, races, and places. I wanted to get the broadest possible cross section of experience that I could.

So I created a survey that quizzed men about their lives and their loves, requited or otherwise. I also created a much longer list of true/false/multiple-choice poll questions, and put the whole shebang up online, where it stayed for a year. A couple of hundred people took the survey, and a thousand or so took the poll. Along the way while the Web site was patiently gathering all that information for me, I interviewed scores more men in person, people I knew from the Internet or ran into in bars, on the beach, at work, at the gym, or in the grocery store, pretty much anyone who crossed my path in my various travels who seemed like he might have a story to tell. Many other men came to me on their own, having heard of the project through mutual contacts.

It’s the sum total of those hundreds of stories that form the overwhelming bulk of this book. Those men and their tales are the “stars” of this show. But I also found the occasional need for a little “professional” analysis. So I spoke with scientists and psychologists, counselors and sociologists, fitness trainers and photographers, artists and film producers, anyone at all I could think of who might have something interesting to say about why we like what we like, what it is that men find beautiful in other men, and how they try to achieve it in a mate or create a certain sense of beauty within themselves.

As always, there are caveats and disclaimers. Anyone who took the polls or surveys or submitted to interviews obviously wanted to do so; no one was contacted at random and bullied for responses when he was trying to eat dinner or watch Desperate Housewives … so I will not claim that the results reflected within these pages pass “scientific” muster, whatever the hell that is. I’ll share the occasional poll result from time to time as we go along here; the full poll questions and results are included in the final chapter, along with some choice quotes I hope you’ll find as illuminating or entertaining as I did.

As for the surveys that elicited the longer, more in-depth responses and anecdotes, as far as possible I tried to word the questions as neutrally as I could, not so much as to avoid offending anyone—though that’s a neat trick when one can actually pull it off—but rather to not prejudice anyone’s reply; any journalist, cop, or lawyer can attest to the fact that people often tell you what they think you want to hear. As I noted in the Introduction, some people took issue with what they saw in my questions as a bias toward the fit and pretty; others thought I was putting exactly those same people down, in favor of men whose beauty is less mainstream or conventional. So I’m guessing I did in fact achieve a certain “middle of the road” quality.

But in the interests of full disclosure—can’t tell I’m from Washington, DC, can you?—I suppose I should from the outset give you an idea of the biases that I do have, what kind of men I find most compelling, at least from the purely physical aspect. And that’s pretty simple to relate, since it’s not too different from young Jose three decades ago. (If you want a more modern equivalent, just look at one of those impossibly beautiful Abercrombie & Fitch ads, or the body on the boy you find on a box of chic underwear; I’m all about that smooth, chiseled chest and six-to-eight-pack ab thing.) I’ve been attracted as well to guys with a little less muscle, as long as the build remained firm and athletic; thin and slim can be also be quite hot, as long as it doesn’t stray over too close to emaciation.

Is that the only kind of guy I’ve ever dated, or pursued, or maybe just ended up taking a tumble with on a long lazy afternoon? Hell no, not at all; “looks” are only about half the package that appeals to me. Like a lot of men whose stories you’ll see soon, for me a pretty face or hot body with nothing going on upstairs gets rather boring, and rather quickly. Often there’s the oddest flicker and flash in the way a guy talks, or the way he carries himself, something ephemeral that can go miles toward compensating for any immediately perceived “lack” of beauty or athleticism. (It’s always fun to look back at guys I’ve dated or even obsessed over, to take a glance at a photo that can’t possibly capture that intangible sizzle you get only in sound and motion, and ask myself with the distance that only time can provide, What the hell was I thinking?)

Perhaps the biggest factor these days—as I hear my own bio clock tick-tick-ticking away—is youthfulness. Actual age really doesn’t matter; my guy can be anywhere from a teenager to middle aged for all I give a hoot about. I talked about that in Reeling in the Years, and I probably put it as succinctly then as I could now: how I seek a youthful outlook and enthusiasm, “that open and wide-eyed view of life, a lack of jadedness and ‘been there, done that’… along with the energy and willingness and daring I like to believe I still have” (Bergling, 2004, p. 153).

I fully realize that while many gay men will likely share my tastes, many others will not, and that’s a wonderful thing, variety being the spice of life and all that. You won’t find me trashing anyone in these pages for the way they look, or for the men they’d like to share their intimate moments with. I won’t bash them for the time they spend working on their bodies, or for the hours they like to sit in front of the television, munching down chili dogs. More power to you, and whatever makes you happy. But many of the men I’ve interviewed do take others to task in these pages for their life habits, so be warned that some of what you read here may be offensive to you, wherever you fall in the “looks” or “fitness” spectrum.

I just want you to know right from the get-go where I’m coming from. Whether it’s up close—and very personal—with a guy I’m dating, or when I’m glancing from afar—checking out an ad or a music video, watching a good-looking guy dance at a club or scoping out the hotties on the beach—I have to admit to a certain kind of addiction to beauty. I literally cannot get enough of it. It will nearly always stop me in my tracks. That makes me either exactly the wrong person to complete this project or absolutely the correct one.

Like they say on FOX, I’ll report, you decide.

“SKIN DEEP, AND VERY SHALLOW”

“I will just say it: If you’re not cute, don’t even try.” That’s Greg, an 18-year-old sales associate in Lake Ridge, Virginia. He describes himself as a “small-framed guy with defined muscles from gymnastics and tumbling. I consider myself thin and gangly, but others tell me differently.”

I want to know what’s going on in his head when he’s looking for a guy. He’s not very shy about expressing his view: “I know I sound like such a horrible person, that I would just look on the outside before I will even get to know ‘the person within.’So sue me. I think that me being with a guy who is cute is going to make me ‘cuter by association.’ And everyone will remem...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Foreword
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Chapter 1. Eye of the Beholder
• Chapter 2. The Rules of Attraction
• Chapter 3. Beautiful Things
• Chapter 4. Body Types
• Chapter 5. Rejected!
• Chapter 6. Dream Lovers
• Chapter 7. Survey Says!
• Afterword
• References