Gay Men and Anal Eroticism

Tops, Bottoms, and Versatiles

Steven G. Underwood

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781560233756
• eBook ISBN: 9781136571596
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Gender Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

Gay men reveal their preferenceand the reasons behind it!

Gay Men and Anal Eroticism: Tops, Bottoms, and Versatiles is a no-holds-barred examination of one of society's most persistent taboos. In a remarkably candid collection of frank and forthright interviews, 21 gay men talk about the role anal sex plays in their lives and relationships and their choices to act as insertive (top) or receptive (bottom) partnersor both (versatile). Ranging in age from 21 to 65, the men discuss the reasons behind (and consequences of) their choices; how they define their sexual roles (and how those roles are defined by gay society); issues of power, trust, and vulnerability; and the concept (in both straight and gay society) that tops and bottoms are socially and morally unequal.

These unique interviews, conducted by the author in the Boston and Provincetown areas, celebrate choice in gay men's sexuality while debating whether preference is genetically based or socially formeda debate largely ignored in social science studies. The men interviewedincluding gay porn icon Cole Tuckerdiscuss perceptions muddied by stereotypes, preconceived notions, and exaggerated scenarios, and the meanings gay men assign to anal sex, including dominance and submission roles related to masculine/feminine, aggressive/passive implications. The interviews also cover each subject's personal history as a gay man, safe sex in the AIDS era, childhood traumas, first-time sexual encounters, loves, desires, and obsessions.

The interviews for Gay Men and Anal Eroticism provide insights that are equal parts thoughtful and outrageous, humorous and heartbreaking:

• Aaron, age 24: I sort of fell into this image of myself as being a very aggressive bottom, a guy who knew what he wanted and who didn't want any wimps applying.
• Danny, 21: There's a mindset about being a top it's kinda like maintaining the ship.
• Sam, 36: I hate to say it, but I'm a bottom I don't like to be identified like that because I feel it turns me into something all the way from my feet up to my head.
• Eddie, 42: I guess I enjoy more being a top than a bottom because I haven't found a good top.
• and Cole Tucker: A physical act doesn't really make you a top or a bottom. It's a function, an organic function of what you do. It's the dynamics of where you come from.

The revealing disclosures of Gay Men and Anal Eroticism show equality in man-to-man sex to be as varied as the number of individuals who pursue it. Addressing traditional misunderstandings and misconceptions of gay men as either limp-wrested fairies or masculine trade, the book uncovers that there is much more to this complex issue than personal preference.

–10–

Jackson: “I Enjoy Both”

Versatile, Age 25

When Jackson calls the sex lines to meet potential tricks or to jerk off, he describes himself as a twenty-five-year-old gay black man who's energetic, intelligent, loves music, singing, writing, watching TV, and hanging out with friends.

He was raised in a poor home in Kansas City and has overcome great obstacles to get an education. “This was the first school on my list,” he told me as we shuffled around in the snow on the Harvard campus, searching for an empty classroom to talk. He settled on Colby College in Maine where he got his BA in English and creative writing three years ago. Today, he makes good money doing legal work for an investment company in Boston. One of his three brothers was shot and killed in a street fight when Jackson was in high school. Another brother is a year older and the third is his twin. Both are straight. Jackson says he and his twin are like night and day.

We finally settle in an empty room on the top floor of the Adult Ed building and settle down to talk. Jackson is relaxed and ready to reveal everything. He has a bright, beautiful smile, and his honesty and sense of humor are infectious.

* * *

I knew I was gay as a young boy. I've always looked at other boys, as far back as I can remember. I've never been sexually attracted to girls or women at all. Although I began my sex life as a bottom, I consider myself versatile at this point. I'd say I'm versatile, but mostly top.

My first sexual experience was when I was eleven. It was an unfortunate incident. There was this guy in the school system who was a friend of the family. He was thirty-eight when I met him and he was involved with the little league agencies. Within a year of meeting this man, he began to take me to his place, you know, as a reward for doing really well in school. He had this thing with my brothers and me. Whoever had the best grades for a particular quarter, he'd take us out to eat, like to McDonald's or somewhere. Then he'd take us swimming. We grew up in a poor family so to have somebody outside of the family take us out to eat or to go swimming was a great joy. It was like, “Wow, we get to get out of the house!” By this time, my brothers all had their friends out on the streets, but I was a homeboy, going to school and coming home to study. So it was great for me to get out. He was a very nice guy and very smart and being with him made me happy because I considered myself an intellectual at the time. [Laughs] He was saying all the right things as far as my future and my education, about what I could accomplish. He was married and his wife taught at middle school.

Before I met this man, me and one of my friends would talk about how we would never let anyone give us a blow job, because we thought it was sort of gross. I knew it was about a woman putting her mouth on a man's dick, but I didn't know what else it entailed. I didn't know what sex was all about.

One day, after we went swimming, I took a shower at his house. As I was coming out of the shower, he brought me a towel and sat on the toilet. I was all embarrassed and I thought, “Oh God, why is this man sitting here?” What did I know? Then he reached over and proceeded to massage my penis. And I was like, “Whoa!” It was kind of irritating because it was a sensation that I had never felt before. I'd discovered by that time that I could get an erection, but I'd never done anything about it whatsoever. I hadn't even masturbated yet. So I was like backing up, and going, “Okay.” It wasn't because I was ashamed or anything—I didn't even know it was wrong—but it was weird and the sensation was just like, “Wow, this is kind of different!” I just thought it was odd that he was rubbing on it like that.

Anyway, I didn't ejaculate and he didn't get undressed or anything and he stopped massaging my dick after a few minutes. But then this thing continued for three years after that. It never went beyond that particular thing. It only happened when I went swimming and it wouldn't occur every time.

Over the next three years he told me about the sex he'd had with other men. That sort of opened my eyes. I'd go to the library and try to find stuff on gay sex. I took The Joy of Gay Sex to the back of the library and stood there and looked at the pictures. That was my intro to gay sex.

Overall, I wouldn't say it was a bad experience. It was nice to be around him. At that time I didn't know it was wrong at all. My brothers started to make jokes like, “Oh, you're spending too much time with him,” and that made me feel self-conscious. I kept hoping no one else knew about it.

Toward the end of the three years with him, I finally ejaculated. I'd never seen him naked except when he took his shirt off or was putting on his trunks. He was building up very gradually. The last time we were together he showed me his penis and I touched it. He told me we would explore everything the next time we met.

Then, out of the blue, one day I'm watching Oprah Winfrey and the show is about sexual abuse. And they're describing how sexual molestation occurs and what kinds of signs abused children have and so on. I saw this program and I thought, “Oh my God, that's me. This is happening to me.” I went to bed and thought about it all night.

I was in counseling at the time because I was having some family issues. So the next day I went in to see my therapist and I told her what was going on. In the state of Kansas, if a child tells you that they're being molested, the therapist has to report it. She told me what her obligation was and I was scared as hell. I told her I wanted to tell my family first. I told my twin brother and he and I went and told my grandmother. She's from the old school, you know, you don't talk about stuff like that. She would've easily put it under the covers, told me to never see him again, and that would've been it. But at that stage I was feeling completely upset and betrayed. And the legal action had already moved into place.

Within a few days I got called into the security office and there stood a detective. That really scared me. I had to describe to him some of the incidents and a bunch of other things. It moved fairly quickly after that. Within days, the guy disappeared from town. They found him and he pleaded guilty to avoid a trial and got sentenced to three years in prison. He came up for parole every year so I went to the parole hearings by myself and they kept him in. It was my choice to show up. This made the paper because he was a school official, so tons of people from the school district would be at the parole hearings and there would be little me. He served his time in prison and I have no idea where he is now. It's so weird, I found out later that he abused other kids too, but none of them pursued the case. My brothers also mentioned that this man had attempted to do things with them.

For the next few years, until I was seventeen, I'd get magazines and look at the men and masturbate. My eyes had been opened to the joys of gay sex. One day, a friend gave me the number of some sex line. So I called the number and met this guy. He sounded really cool and we exchanged numbers and decided to meet. We were going to meet around the corner from my house. The day he was coming over, oh my God, I was so scared. My family had no idea at the time and it was top secret. To me he was this established, experienced gay man and this was quite an adventure. I couldn't believe I was doing this behind my family's back.

We met and I was like, “Oh, you're cute.” He was twenty-seven. We walked to the park and sat there to chat and get to know each other. After about an hour, I got up to go to the bathroom. So I'm in the bathroom in the park and he comes in. I'm standing there urinating and he's standing next to me, urinating too. Next thing I know, he's kissing my neck. And I was like, “Oh, my God! He's kissing my neck at the urinal!” And he pushes my pants further down and I'm like, “This is interesting.” We were in a public bathroom and I was like, “What if somebody comes around?” He kissed my neck, kissed my back, and then suddenly he sticks his tongue in my ass. And I'm like “Whoa!” Out in the open, not even in the stall. It was exhilarating. I put my mouth on his penis, but I didn't really suck him. He proceeded to lick my ass and jack me off and I ejaculated. It was the second time I'd ejaculated with a guy.

I felt guilty for the rest of the day. It felt like the whole world knew what I had done. I grew up a Baptist and I thought God was looking down on me. Every time the preacher would say anything related to sex, I'd think, “Oh, God, he's looking at me, he's talking directly at me.” It had a profound effect on me because I was a teenager and there were other things going on in my life.

A week later, I went over to his place and I couldn't believe I was in another man's house. We did everything that day. We performed mutual oral and then he penetrated me. He basically “made love” to me. He did everything I expected sex to be. My only problem was that he kept wanting to do it. He didn't want to stop, and, you know, the first time you get fucked, it hurts. It took like thirty minutes to get it in. Once it was finally in, it was okay.

Being a bottom seemed natural. I was attracted to older men and being a bottom with an older man seemed the right thing. He was more experienced and he would lead and I would follow. I finally told him I was only seventeen and he was fine with that, but I only hung out with him for about two weeks.

For the next two years, whenever I got together with someone it usually ended up in anal sex and I was pretty much a bottom. In the beginning I'd lay there and let the guy stick his penis in me. To them, it was the greatest thing because here was this eighteen year old with a tight ass who'd never been fucked. I was inexperienced at the beginning, but I eventually came to like it. The more I did it, the more I liked it.

To me, everybody I met at the time became my boyfriend. I met this other guy and he wanted to fuck me all the time. By now, I was a little more experienced so I told him, “What if I fucked you?” He agreed and I finally got that experience and it felt very good. Except as soon as I got it in, I was like, “Oh, my God, I'm cumming!” It happened too fast and I didn't like that, and I was still the bottom in that relationship.

I classify myself as versatile now, but I'd like to be a top more. I like penetrating a guy more than being penetrated. I think I was a bottom during the first years because there were other issues related to that. Back then, I'd meet someone, we'd go out, and I'd think he was my boyfriend. Being a bottom was always about meeting someone older, the guy getting some ass, and then leaving. That happened too many times. These guys would seem so genuine, they'd tell me I was cute and all that, but then we'd have sex and they'd get some ass and they'd be gone. That happened from when I was seventeen ’til twenty-two or so. It still happens occasionally. It affected me emotionally. It felt like they were leading me on to think that something good was going to happen. I'd be waiting around for them to call and I pretty much let my personal life be led by them. My emotions went up and down based on a phone call or seeing someone or what they told me. I didn't have any emotional support from my family, so I put it on the men I met. I wasn't old enough to get in the clubs, so I always thought the older guy was off somewhere at the clubs, doing someone else. It was horrible. I felt used.

There was one particular individual that I really liked. The day I met him, he said he'd been on his way to kill himself, but that I'd saved him. I'd met him cruising the park and he was a good guy. I thought he was nice. I thought I had this particular bond with him, that, you know, meeting me had an effect on him. I sort of fell for him. I don't know if I can say I was in love, but I was really, really in lust, or infatuated with this guy. I tried to have this long distance thing with him, but later I found out that he was the biggest whore in town.

Nowadays, it's very rare that I bottom for someone I've just met. My idea of relationships has changed. My life doesn't depend on another man anymore. Now if the guy doesn't call me back, it's like, “Oh, well.” What do I care? I don't get emotionally attached. I haven't had a long-term relationship to this day.

I have a friend and he and I have been sort of sex buddies for the last three years. We go back and forth fucking each other, and that works for me. Occasionally, I'll meet someone and I'll feel the urge to get fucked. I do enjoy it now. I enjoy both, and when I get fucked now, I don't have that emotional attachment that I used to. If I'm contemplating getting in a relationship with someone, I always tell the person that it won't work if he's a total top. If he's a total top and is unwilling to budge, it's not going to work, because he won't bottom for me. If someone told me that they're willing to try it every once in a while, you know, that's fine. Just try it once with me. Don't completely shut me down and say, “No, I'll never do that.”

I've found that most guys who say they're total tops just want to be serviced all the time. So you're sucking them off, licking their nipples, pleasing them, and the top is pretty much laying there. He'll kiss you a little bit or do a little sucking, but for the most part you're taking care of him and doing all the work. Even when they're fucking you, they're not necessarily doing all the work. A lot of the time they don't really care whether the bottom cums or not. So fuck you. They cum and they're ready to go.

There's this guy who wants to have a relationship with me now, and he's smart, makes good money, and all that stuff. We could have a great relationship, but he wants to be a total top. We've had sex a few times. He's one of those tops that I mentioned: he'll kiss you a little bit, but he refuses to suck a dick, refuses to do anything. He just wants to lay there and have you service him, lick him over, and he wants to fuck you. Then you have to jack yourself off while he lays there. I told him I wouldn't do that. I'd go crazy.

I think some power issues are involved. Nowadays, I feel empowered when I'm not the bottom, when I tell someone no. Like we get together and they're putting their finger down there and I'm like, “No, we're not doing that.” It's a great feeling. When I was younger, I'd say yes to everything. I wasn't terribly promiscuous, but if someone wanted to fuck me, I'd go along with that. Now, I can say no and it feels very good.

I changed my ways when I got to college. I became leery about anyone fucking me. I was being more careful about STDs and the people I met. There was a gay club in Augusta, Maine, and I'd go there every now and then. I was always a hit when I went in there. It was mostly white guys and I was the new black man that walked in. I seemed to be in demand there. It was great. One of my friends said it was like I was holding court. [Laughs] I got into oral sex and I had some threesomes. Nowadays, I don't do anal as much anymore. Unless I meet someone real cute and I just have to have that.

I've had thoughts of being gay as far back as I can remember. I never seriously pictured myself with a woman, married and stuff. I meet married men who mess around with me and they tell me, “Oh my God, I always felt that this was what I wanted to do and I had to get married because of so and so.” I think we all have the potential to be gay or straight; and honestly, if I hadn't been molested, I probably would've gone the other route of marriage. I'd have gotten married and repressed the feelings that I had.

I'm not as religious as I used to be, but I believe in God. I believe that everything we do in life is the will of God and that there's a reason for everything, whether it's right or wrong. Everything we do, to me, has been predetermined. As a child we learned that God knows how many hairs you have on your head. God knows everything that can happen in your life before you do. I don't think God would've given us the ability to fuck men unless there was a reason. He wouldn't have given us the ability if he didn't want us to experience it. So I do believe that we were created to have anal sex, as long as we're cautious and safe about it. That's where people go wrong.

I've been safe for the most part, except for a few occasions. The first time I got fucked was safe. Once I fucked a guy without a condom and he fucked me without a condom, too. Me and my fuck buddy, we don't use protection. We keep each other up to date on our HIV status. I'm negative. I feel guilty when I have unsafe sex with him, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm trying to be truthful about this: I think the size of a man's cock does matter. I don't want someone overly large. My fuck buddy has a big one and he and I can tolerate each other. A lot of guys with big dicks don't know how to fuck, and it hurts. Medium size is fine with me and it would depend on how small. I encountered a guy once who had a one or two incher and he attempted to penetrate me and I didn't feel a thing. I was just put off by that.

My best sexual experience was about a year and a half ago and I was actually a bottom. I met this guy on the phone. He said let's get together tonight, but I was hesitating. He called me again that evening. I'd just taken a shower, and he sounded really, really nice, so I was like, “Okay.” I hopped on the train, which I normally won't do for anyone, and went to his place in Jamaica Plain. He opened the door and, oh my God, he was cute! He was in his thirties. He was my height and my weight, professional guy. I was like, “Oh, God, you're cute,” and he was, “You're cute too.” We ordered dinner and ate and lay on his bed and watched television. Then he leans over and says, “Can I kiss you?” and I'm smiling and I'm like, “Sure!” So he kissed me. It was great because he's versatile too, but that time I bottomed for him. There was mutual oral sex and he got into kissing my nipples, my neck. His goal was to make me happy. He got up the next morning and made me breakfast. It was beautiful. We still see each other occasionally and he enjoys getting fucked just as much.

For me, there's no emotional attachment to being a top or a bottom, but being a top seems to be empowering somehow. Like, “Oh, goodness, I'm a top!” It's not a masculine/feminine type thing, but there's something about the power of being a top. I just enjoy pleasing my partner. When I'm a bottom it means that I really, really want to receive it, and I get into that and it feels good once it's there. The guy who's doing it should do what he's supposed to do and I should do what I'm supposed to do. Which is him penetrating and me responding. Years ago, when I first started doing it, I'd just lay there and it was always my goal to get them off quicker than they wanted to. But now I'm an active bottom. Now that I can choose the situation, about being a bottom or top, being a bottom is great. Being an active bottom means you...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• About the Author
• Contents
• Introduction
• Bottom
• Tops
• Versatiles
• Couples