The Pastor's Family

The Challenges of Family Life and Pastoral Responsibilities

Harold G Koenig, Daniel L Langford

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9780789005854
• eBook ISBN: 9781136381591
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

Describing the difficulties of balancing a career and family life, The Pastor's Family: The Challenges of Family Life and Pastoral Responsibilities is a personal narrative that discusses the all-too-familiar practice of neglecting your family for your job. Pastors will learn the importance of balancing time and attention between their families and religious careers by exploring the problems caused by one pastor's prolonged absence from home. Containing research and first-hand experiences, The Pastor's Family calls for a change in ministry policies that will enable pastors to devote as much time to their families as they do to their congregations.Containing stories and anecdotes from the author, his wife, and his two children, this book offers suggestions on how to improve the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of a pastor's family. The information and insight provided by The Pastor's Family will also help pastors'wives realize that they are not alone in their demanding roles and will help church policymakers discover the need to improve relations between the congregation and the pastor's family. With the hope that the universal problems of pastors'families will be revealed, the author shares with you methods that have helped bring him and his family closer together, including:

• understanding the expectations of the stereotypical "superpastor" and learning how to set boundaries between family life and career
• realizing that a pastor's family is subject to the same problems and challenges other families face and helping your family deal with this pressure
• learning the various definitions of codependency and how this can attribute to the neglect of your family
• discussing the history of abuse of pastors'families through the Bible and famous religious figures
• recognizing the discrimination of a pastor's wife and her sufferings, such as coping with her husband's various psychological challenges and being expected to always help her husband with his career
• discovering how conflicts can provoke communication, release emotions, identify and clarify problems, and permit individualization
• understanding why people feel a loss of power or personal rejection when their requests are not grantedEmphasizing the practice of setting boundaries, The Pastor's Family examines ways to promote assertiveness through self-talk and self-differentiation that will help you defeat codependent behavior. This will teach you that it is all right to say "no"-- that it is all right to do things for yourself. From The Pastor's Family, you will learn how to correct the ideology that makes many pastors feel they must honor every parishioner request, despite the effect it will have on his family. Through stories of hardship and personal revelations, this book will help you realize the need for church policy reforms that will allow pastors to be looked upon as humans who have familiesbesides their parishioners.

SECTION VI:

THE PASTOR
AND SPIRITUAL FORMATION

Chapter 10

Spiritual Formation: Giving and Receiving Prayer

PROLOGUE

This final chapter of The Pastor's Family is really a story of the integration of all that has come before. This integration represents the purpose of why we were given life in the first place. My sufferings, struggles, and life experiences as a pastor have not been random events in a world of chaos and disorder. There is more to the story.

The Apostle Paul's writing is shrouded in mystery in Romans 8, and predestination is a difficult subject. Nevertheless, when I read verses 28 and 29 of Romans 8,1 perceive that all the battles, choices, and turmoil of our life events somehow (both the good and the bad) come together when we turn to God. Paul says:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. (Romans 8:28-29, NIV)¹

The grand plan of God that Paul describes is the essence of spiritual formation—those (you, me,… we) who love him and have been called according to his purpose were called (predestined) to be conformed to the likeness of his son. This is the purpose of our lives.

Therefore, if I am reading Paul correctly, all the craziness and apparent disconnections that have punctuated my life's journey as pastor, father, lover, and human being ultimately do connect. The connection is the creation of the image of Christ within me that these events have helped produce.

Paul says earlier in Romans 8, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (8:18). These present sufferings are apparently part of the bigger picture of the glory just described. Such is the substance of hope and the motivation to look to God that is the meaning of prayer. Accordingly, prayer and spiritual formation are appropriate final subjects of my story.

We all ask Alfie, the confidant in Burt Bacharach's popular song, “What's it all about? Is it just for the moment we live?”² Prayer and spiritual formation point the way to these answers. So, in this integrating moment, I will attempt to explain my position when it comes to giving and receiving prayer.

First, I will describe a unique experience I had with a parishioner that opened creative windows to spiritual formation and awareness. Second, I will discuss the problem of receiving intercession. Finally, I will describe persons who in unique ways have become companions with me in my spiritual journey.

A NEW WINDOW OF PRAYER

Creative Prayer and Cancer

Early in 1993, one of my parishioners received news from her doctor that she had a second onset of ovarian cancer. Understandably, this person was very distressed, and she came to me for something she could not get from the medical team that was working with her. That something she wanted was prayer. She had a twofold reason for coming that was more than her desire to be healed. First, she wanted to have the assurance that I as her pastor was appealing to God on her behalf. Second, she did not want to face this crisis alone without a spiritual companion, so she came to me. This crisis prompted some creative action on my part that revealed new insights about the possibilities of intimacy with God.

During the last five years, I have made an intentional effort to improve the quality of and to quantify the time I spend in prayer. My purpose has been to cultivate personal spiritual growth. The inspiration to seek this spiritual growth came from a seminar conducted by Dr. Eugene Peterson and from the related writings of such persons as Don Postema and Hans Urs von Balthasar. These writings and the presentation by Dr. Peterson became my catalyst for seeking a deeper spiritual relationship with God.³ Nonetheless, my parishioner's crisis with cancer stretched the limits of this venture by opening a new window of prayer and offering a fresh experience of intimacy with God.

For purposes of this narrative, I will call my parishioner Dorothy. According to Dorothy, the prognosis for recovery from a second onset of ovarian cancer was not good. Most victims die from the disease. Despite such a depressing prognosis, I personally believe in the power of God to provide healing in response to our prayers. Thus, I sought for ways in which to encourage Dorothy and give her hope. When I wrestled with Dorothy's situation and groped for effective strategies to offer her help, I remembered the story of the scapegoat in Leviticus 16. Here is a summary of the story.

Upon the day of atonement (compensation for wrongdoing), Aaron offered two goats at the altar of the tabernacle that was the place of worship for the Hebrew people during the time of Moses. One of the goats was to be slaughtered for the sins of the people (Leviticus 16:9). The other goat, however, would remain alive. Aaron would lay both his hands on the live goat “… and confess over him all the iniquities of the people of Israel” (Leviticus 16:21, RSV). This second goat (scapegoat) would be sent away into the wilderness (Azazel), and the goat would carry away from the Hebrew nation all of the iniquities that had been confessed over it.⁴

When I reflected on this story, I thought of a way to reenact this ritual that would express our own congregational faith. The primary purpose would be to encourage Dorothy. Nevertheless, I involved everyone in our small church, and the needs of many became a part of this reenactment. Here is what happened.

On the Sunday following my inspiration to reenact Aaron's ritual, I told the Leviticus story of the scapegoat to the congregation. When the story concluded, I first asked Dorothy and then the rest of the congregation to write their needs for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing on slips of notepaper. I then asked them to fold these papers and leave them unsigned. The slips were then put in a larger envelope and sealed. When this was done, I told the parishioners how I planned to reenact the ritual of the scapegoat. This is what I did.

Following the Sunday worship service, I decided to fast twenty-four hours. The next day, I took the sealed packet of personal needs (Dorothy's was foremost), and I set out for the wilderness. My choice of wilderness would not be Aaron's desert. I would select from the beautiful locales surrounding the Northern California community of Crescent City where I serve as a church planter. Crescent City is just twenty-five miles south of the Oregon border, situated in a protected region of the Pacific coastline and Redwood National Park. The destination I chose was the Lake Earl Wildlife Area, a 1,200-acre tract of forest and sand dunes. I hiked into this refuge on a drizzly January afternoon, carrying the needs (sins) of my congregation as a symbolic scapegoat.

I found an isolated spot deep in this wilderness and spent the afternoon in prayer. I removed the packet of notes and lifted them over my head. I petitioned God to show mercy on those represented. Then, I prayed for Dorothy and asked God to heal the cancer.

Following the time of prayer, I dug a deep hole in one of the sand dunes, and there I buried all the needs, hurts, and cries for deliverance that were expressed on those little slips of paper. I refilled the hole and walked away. The sufferings and afflictions of my congregation were left behind in that Azazel (solitary place), and there they remain buried.

What Were the Outcomes?

A year has passed since I served as scapegoat for my parishioners. Dorothy is still alive (1998). She has had surgery, and tests in subsequent months indicate that the cancer may be controlled. Also, Dorothy has stated that she feels closer to God and has experienced an uncommon peace in the midst of her difficult ordeal. Other participants from the congregation testified of spiritual encouragement, resolution of crises, and a deepening sense of God's presence.

A NEW OPPORTUNITY FOR PRAYER AND INTIMACY WITH GOD

Notwithstanding the blessings Dorothy and the congregation received, I was deeply affected by this experience. I realized through the reenactment of the scapegoat story that I could benefit from a new pattern for prayer which the drama revealed. Consequently, I have set aside Mondays as a day for the wilderness. Weather and other circumstances do not always permit this retreat, but generally, in the early afternoon, I ride my bicycle out to the Lake Earl Wildlife Area and walk three miles into the preserve for a time of solitude, meditation, and prayer.

My Monday rendezvous is a different spot from where the scapegoat petitions are buried. The new setting is a sea of rolling sand dunes to which I am the lone visitor. The Siskiyou Mountains form a panorama to the east, and sounds of the Pacific surf crash distantly in the west.

These Mondays away have become a time of relaxation and meditation. I contemplate God's grace and mercy. The solitude and the wilderness place distance between me and the petty irritations and supposed crises of daily living.

The majesty of the Siskiyous reminds me that there is more to the story than my limited life. The surprising whir of a hundred seagulls beating the air in sudden flight above me makes the significance of my life seem even smaller. So too does the red ant, as it struggles over the grains of sand on the ridge of the dune, declare that the big picture of God's creative presence is larger than we suppose it to be.

The words God spoke to Job come to mind when I take time to walk barefoot in these solitary dunes feeling the warm sand filter between my toes:

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?

Or who shut in the sea with doors, when it burst forth from the womb?

Have you commanded the morning since your days began?

Can you bind the chains of Pleiades, or loose the cords of Orion?

Is it by your wisdom that the hawk soars? Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high? (Job 38:4, 8, 12, 31; 39:26-27, RSV)

At length, when Job saw this larger picture God presented to him, Job said, “I … repent in dust and ashes” (Job 42:6, RSV). Likewise, I have been humbled by the greatness of God that I see in nature.

What Does Time Alone on a Sand Dune Have to Do with the Pastor and His Family?

The time alone on the sand dune is time alone with God. This window, through which I make more “space for God,” has also helped me to slow down and make more room for my family. The solitude teaches me the value of making time for my family.

Bill Hybels echoes such sentiments in his book, Too Busy Not to Pray:

God's power can change circumstances and relationships. It can help us face life's daily struggles. It can heal psychological and physical problems, remove marriage obstructions, meet financial needs—in fact it can handle any kind of difficulty, dilemma or discouragement.⁵

I believe prayer accomplishes the things Hybels says it will achieve because to those who pray a bigger picture of God is revealed. The exposure to this bigger picture slows us down, and this picture along with the discipline of prayer restructures our thinking and makes us more in tune with the rhythms and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Similar to Hybels, Peter Wagner encourages the pastor to set aside time for dedicated prayer. Wagner, who maintains a focus on the growth and expansion of churches, realizes that the fulfillment of the mission of God does not occur for a person if that person is not willing to set aside time alone with God. Here is what Wagner says:

Prayer is the chief way we express our love to God and the chief way we receive God's love for us …

A central purpose in the kingdom of God is the multiplication and the growth of Christian churches, and we know that prayer is a chief instrument for releasing God's purposes into reality.⁶

Reflecting on Peter Wagner's assertion, God continues to impress upon me the importance of these windows of solitude and prayer, and I seek to be faithful to these promptings. Further, I have found an additional window of prayer to be valuable. I used to meet with a minister from another denomination on Thursday mornings. We prayed for the community, for each other, our respective churches, and for other churches and pastors. We also attempted to engage in “warfare” prayer by petitioning God for the downfall of demonic spiritual strongholds that affect the region where we live. This prayer fellowship between me and this colleague was meaningful, but more important, I have recognized the necessity of receiving intercession as an outcome of our giving each other mutual support.

PERSONAL INTERCESSORS

Peter Wagner contends, “The most underutilized source of power in our churches today is intercession for Christian leaders.”⁷ Dr. Wagner lists these reasons for the underutilization of intercessors:

1. Ignorance of what the role of intercession is.

2. The problem of rugged individualism (I'll do it myself).

3. Fear of opening oneself up to another, especially as a pastor.

4. Spiritual arrogance.

5. Undue humility (I as a minister should not receive greater blessings than my congregation does).⁸

Finally, Wagner maintains that the pastor must learn to lay these objections aside and allow people to pray for him/her:

I feel that a full appreciation of the operation of the body of Christ is a vital key to ridding ourselves of the obstacles that are in the way of receiving personal intercession.

Intercessors may not be very visible, but they are like glands in the body that, 24 hours a day, secrete the hormones we need for life, health and energy.⁹

What Is Intercession?

Intercession is translated from a New Testament Greek term, entugksano, which means “to meet with, to come between.” The Hebrew equivalent in the Old Testament is paga, which means “to come or fall upon, to meet.” A primary use of this term is found in Romans 8, where it describes the role of the Holy Spirit, who helps us maintain our faith and courage to live for God:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8: 26-27, RSV)

Peter Wagner upholds the human role of intercession:

Intercession is the act of pleading by one who in God's sight has a right to do so in order to obtain mercy for one in need.¹⁰

Wagner goes on to illustrate the role of human intercession by offering biblical examples:

Esther risked her life to plead on behalf of her Jewish counterparts when she went before Ahasuerus (Esther 4:16).

Moses interceded for Joshua in the battles of Rephedim (Exodus 17).

Further, Aaron and Hur held up the hands of Moses and assisted him in his act of intercession thus becoming intercessors for the intercessor.¹¹ (Exodus 17:8-13)

Wagner then cites New Testament examples of intercession. Jesus Christ stands in the gap for the people of God in John 17. James 5:16 encourages us to pray for one another. Finally, Paul requested personal intercession a...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• About the Author
• CONTENTS
• Foreword
• Preface
• SECTION I: THE PASTOR AND HIS SPOUSE
• SECTION II: THE PASTOR AND HIS CHILDREN
• SECTION III: THE PASTOR AND HIS FAMILY
• SECTION IV: THE PASTOR AND PERSONAL RECOVERY
• SECTION V: THE PASTOR AND GROWTH
• SECTION VI: THE PASTOR AND SPIRITUAL FORMATION
• Epilogue
• Notes
• Bibliography
• Index