A Restorative Approach to Family Violence

Changing Tack

Anne Hayden, Loraine Gelsthorpe, Allison Morris

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN:
  9781472412300
• eBook ISBN:
  9781317186878
• Topic: Law
• Subtopic: Criminal Law
• Index: Law

This volume provides an essential update on current thinking, practice and research into the use of restorative justice in the area of family violence. It contains contemporary empirical, theoretical and practical perspectives on the use of restorative justice for intimate partner and family violence, including sexual violence and elder abuse. Whilst raising issues relating to the implications of reporting, it provides a fresh look at victims' issues as well as providing accounts of those who have participated in restorative justice processes and who have been victims of abusive relationships. Contributions are included from a wide range of perspectives to provide a balanced approach that is not simply polemic or advocating. Rather, the book genuinely raises the issue for debate, with the advantage of bringing into the open new research which has not been widely published previously. Given its unique experience in the development of restorative justice, the book includes empirical studies relating to New Zealand, contextualized within the global situation by the inclusion of perspectives on practices in the UK, Australia and North America. This book will be key reading for people who work with violent offending of a family nature as well as for those who are interested in the study of family violence.

PART I
Setting the Scene

Family violence occurs in all communities and there is general dissatisfaction with the way in which criminal justice systems currently deal with it. The first two chapters in this book illustrate the complexity of family violence and some of the judicial dilemmas associated in dealing with it. In Chapter 1, a series of conversations between Heeni Rongo and Naida Glavish and between Heeni and Anne Hayden bring to life the reality of living with intimate partner violence. David Mather, in Chapter 2, describes common scenarios concerning family violence which judges in a range of courts are required to adjudicate on. He makes clear his frustrations with conventional judicial responses.

Chapter 1
Living with Intimate Partner Violence: Heeni’s Story¹

Heeni Rongo in collaboration with Naida Glavish and Anne Hayden

Introduction

Heeni has lived with intimate partner violence for over 25 years. Her partner, Charlie, is a gang member whose addiction to the drug P (methamphetamine) has taken her and their family on a roller coaster ride of emotional and physical violence, alternating with brief periods of congeniality when he is ‘high’. As a gang member, Charlie has shown little interest in complying with the law; he has spent two years in prison for drug offences and is anti-police. This is in sharp contrast with Heeni’s upbringing, where she was taught that the police were there to help. They have two children who are in their late teens. Their daughter is now the mother of a young child. Heeni’s story highlights the reality of intimate partner violence and its effects on victims, their families and their support people.

Living with Violence

Although her partner’s violence tends to be verbal, Heeni described his behaviour towards her in the early days of their relationship as very controlling:

Can I say, it wasn’t that bad? … You’d get a slap. It was more the verbal abuse which [was] very sharp and meaningful … and that action of standing over you … If I was to make a call to the police and say he’s abusing me … down the track it’s going to come back on me … I would probably be bashed … even put in the boot and taken somewhere. I know that’s possible because he carries a knife with him and he has access to guns … There’s always been threats. ‘I’ll kill you, cut you up, stab you.’ All of that. It’s all there … At the time you get told ‘I’ll poke you full of holes’ … In the back of your mind you know he’s capable of it … because knowing his history in his gang. It’s like, ‘Yeah, you’re capable of doing it.’ … It’s 25 years that we’ve been together, on and off, because he’s left at times and gone to prison, and he’s buggered off and done his own thing somewhere. He could tell you … back then, he was harder. But today he’s softer. Back then it’d be, ‘I’d just smash her,’ as he’d say. An’ I’m like, ‘No you didn’t’. But maybe … you don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve blocked it out. I don’t remember that bit.

Naida explained why she thought Heeni stayed with Charlie:

I don’t think you are hanging in there because of him. I really believe there are several reasons. First for the sake of peace for the kids; you see that the kids go to school, are alright, and to prevent disruption in their lives. Secondly, it’s not easy to pack up and go, and thirdly, with his background, he would hunt you down. You know that, eh? … He knows people, and he could say, ‘My missus has taken off. Can you fellas check it out?’

However, there are other reasons why Heeni stays with him. Although Charlie is not a good provider, he is a ‘caring, wonderful father’ who, despite his own addiction or possibly because of it, has told his children not to take drugs. On the other hand, he does not do the right thing by supporting the family and when he comes down from a high there are usually more threats, including taking the children away from Heeni. According to her, there is a frightening possibility that Charlie could get custody of their son.

Nevertheless, Heeni said it was her choice to stay with him:

It might sound really weird … I hope he wouldn’t do it. He’s more verbal … very verbal … It’s like, let him cool down and he’ll be right after that. It’s just one of his outbursts … the sad part is that the love you had was drugs. But that love is definitely thinning down a bit. That hope [thins down] as well … he’s on the P now … This is a really horrible thing to say, but when he’s on it, he’s wonderful. He is. He’s the man I first knew. But obviously he has to come down eventually, and that’s when the horrid happens. That’s when the gremlins come out and the family, the kids, they know and they walk around on eggshells when he’s coming down.

Breaking the Silence

Before Heeni was asked by Naida about how she came to be bruised and limping, she had no one to talk to freely and frankly about what was happening. Although her parents lived nearby, a conversation of that kind with them was not possible:

I could speak to Mum, but I didn’t need to say anything, Mum would know. But she didn’t need to know the details. She was always there to support me and she didn’t have a problem telling him where to go. She was very strong in that sense … [But there are] some thing[s] you don’t want your mother to know.

As Heeni told Naida:

My mum would pick up on things, and she’d be like you, Naida, and she’d go, ‘What’s the matter?’ She didn’t have a problem speaking to him straight away. But I didn’t tell her what was happening. No, not really … Just from the first couple of times when Charlie and I were going together and having our family, Mum would pick up any trouble between us and she’ll talk to him directly. She’d confront him, sit down and talk to him about it. He would listen, but it was what would happen [to me] after that – the verbal abuse! If she did that too often, he would’ve just up sticks and taken us away. Out of my parents’ way. And so a lot of the times I wouldn’t want to tell her ’coz he’d just take us away from my family … And Dad would do nothing. But if he saw Charlie abusing me, he’d just say, ‘That’s enough boy.’

Naida: But you did talk to me, eh?

Heeni: That was the first time I talked to anyone outside of that … out of our circle. And it was scary ’coz he knew you came to the clinic at least once a week. He knew who you were; used to brag about you being a client of mine to his mates. And he knew you wouldn’t take too much – that you’d just go and see him. You told me so, too. You’d go and see him … if you found out.

Heeni and Naida recalled the time when Naida first found out about the violence:

Heeni: You just looked at me and said, ‘What’s the matter?’

Naida: Yeah, yeah.

Heeni: (quietly) I think I tried to avoid it but …

Naida: You sure did. Tried to avoid any talk, ‘No I’m alright, I’m alright’. So I’d let it go. Next time I’d come to you for a pampering, you’d be looking worse, and I’d ask, ‘What’s the matter with you?’ So, in the end, next minute, you decided. You shut your clinic door, and then started …

Heeni: Bawling my eyes out. (She giggled nervously.)

Naida: And um, okay, while you were bawling your eyes out, I could see that there was a sense of relief that you could tell me, ’coz your concern was that you didn’t want to bother me. Not that you didn’t want to tell me, but you didn’t want to bother me with all the other things that I do. And so we began talking about where things are at. And I wanted to go and see him then. But I could see the fear in your eyes, not for yourself, the fear in your eyes was for the children. From what you’ve told me I don’t think he would ever do anything to the kids, but he would use the kids to threaten you by taking them away. Now that fear’s going ’coz the kids are bigger. The kids are older.

Heeni spoke of how she feels Naida is like a mother to her; she trusts her and can feel safe with her. She also knows Naida can help. Naida explained: ‘That trust is about the fact that I would keep your confidence provided you can show me you are safe. If you’re not safe, I’ll confront him.’

Feeling Stronger

Since telling Naida about the abuse and the reduced threat regarding losing her children, Heeni feels much stronger. She says she has changed. She is now reconciled to the fact that she cannot change Charlie; she can only offer him support by checking on his health, whether or not he has eaten and been sleeping properly. Although he hates the fact that others know about his behaviour, he cooperates with Naida’s suggestion that Heeni talk about the P use with him. This has helped. Before Heeni did this, she used to get ‘anti’ and behave towards him in a confrontational way. After 25 years Heeni does not know how long that support will be there for him:

It’s all about the kids now. It’s no longer about him. I’ve turned him using P into a positive. I just take in what he can offer when he’s high … deep down inside he’s a lovely man. He’s just lost on drugs.

When first interviewed, Heeni commented that, if the violence were to happen again, she felt she could stand strong and probably make that move. It was through Naida’s backing that, even though Heeni was very frightened, she found the strength on one occasion to pack the children up and leave home to spend a night in Naida’s office. ‘That was my first ever stand’, she declared. She had come home to find Charlie heating a knife up on the stove so they could do some ‘spotting’ with P. There were other people there and Heeni did not want it happening in front of their children. Heeni also objected to P being in the house:

Heeni: But he didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of his mates, so he spun around on me. I’d never seen such anger or rage. I believed he was going to do something.

Naida: I brought you and the children into my office and locked you in. I told you that there was no way that he could get into that office. You guys could get out but he couldn’t get in.

Heeni: Yeah, you made me feel safe. It was something I’d never done before. But I still felt him trying to come over to pick us up. If he wasn’t texting me he’d text the kids. But that was the first ever time. And then there were quite a lot of abusive texts. His texts were threatening. Then they became, ‘I’m sorry, come home.’

Naida: The abusive ones were like ‘You can’t hide for long!’ and ‘Those are my kids!’ Gee, sometimes I’ve been tempted to send the cops around to you, but I haven’t because of the implications for you. And I’d need to talk to you first.

Heeni is slowly getting the courage to speak more with Charlie about what has happened to the relationship and she has told him that she doesn’t like what he does:

I’ve offered him the door, in a polite way but I have to pick my moment when I can talk like that. I said to him, ‘Go and be the best gang member you ever wanted to be. The kids and I will be fine.’ So we are at the stage where it is out in the open.

This is a big advance from when he used to say: ‘Don’t even talk about it!’ or ‘Mind your own business, woman!’

Being Prepared

Naida and Heeni set in place a safety plan. One way they considered Heeni could help prevent further intimate partner violence is for her to talk about it with Charlie. Although Heeni has not disclosed details to her parents, she knows she only has to visit them and she will be given immediate help and refuge. Naida and Heeni have agreed that Heeni will talk more openly with Naida about anything that was troubling her. This should take some of the pressure from her. Because of the terrifying threats Charlie has made to Heeni about the consequences of her reporting his violence to the police, in an emergency she is to telephone Naida, who will immediately call police she knows will be there ‘so fast!’ This way Charlie cannot blame her for narking and follow his menacing remarks with action. So they have contingencies set in place as far as Charlie’s behaviour is concerned.

Consequences of Violence

One outcome of their living arrangements which provides a degree of safety for Heeni, but which is very concerning to her, is the presence of her daughter:

If my daughter’s there, and when Charlie and I do fight, and it gets heated, really, really heated, she’ll intervene. Then he turns on her, you know, ‘Mind your own business, ra, ra, ra’. And she’s got both our genes of course, and she will stand up. And it gets a little frightening. It does. It’s the same old, you know? Just get through the process and then, hello, it will be over again. It’s like the weather, just ride it out and it will be alright.

Another unfortunate outcome is Heeni’s daughter’s use of aggression. Her ability to defend her mother has come at a price. Sadly, Heeni has seen her slapping her boyfriend a number of times. Heeni said to her: ‘Don’t you do that! It’s ugly!’ ‘And it’s her father again, all over.’ So, in Heeni’s immediate family, intergenerational violence is apparent, where her daughter, through witnessing her father’s abuse of her mother, has adopted similar behaviour towards her boyfriend. The intimate partner violence has also influenced family dynamics in other ways. Heeni said:

I couldn’t help but be negative towards him. So I probably encouraged a backlash, caused us to fight more and the kids would see it … And it was the kids who said, ‘Mum, why do you do that?’ And I said, ‘It pisses me off Dad’s on that shit again!’ And then I sat back and thought, ‘Gee, this is not getting us anywhere! He’s going to use the drugs, he can only help himself. He’s got the support there but he’s just greedy. He’s got a good life, why should I change?’

Challenging Violence

Heeni’s belief that she could stand up to Charlie the next time he was abusive proved to be correct. Heeni updated Naida on a recent altercation:

Heeni: (her voice strong) Me standing up to him may have changed things, but the violence doesn’t happen as much. There’ll be times like the first time, still, but I stand up to him, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. And … I haven’t told you this before, Naida, but not so long ago it actually got more intense than ever.

Naida: (looking up suddenly) Has it?

Heeni: (more confidently) Yeah. I think it is because the support that you’ve given me, Naida, has given me that strength. ’Coz I do stand strong now. Like I have never ever before stood up to him, I now verbally give it back. And I remember your kōrero (speech) when you told me to be careful I don’t end up hating him.

Naida: Mmmmmmm.

Heeni: Hating him, was that the word? And, when you get to that point, to know the signs. You know, recently when I was in the shed, he was on a downer and badmouthing me. I’d just had enough! I grabbed a screwdriver that was lying on the bench, and I gripped it like I really wanted to attack him with it. An’ he was going, ‘Betcha can’t, you wouldn’t dare.’ And my daughter ended up getting involved, and then we all ended up getting involved … I just said to myself, ‘Why am I not going to speak to Naida about it?’ Because I was alright. I was alright. I went through all that, and I still came through it. I know I have a plan. I can speak with you anytime. But I was alright. (Heeni’s eyes were bright and her smile wide.)

Even more recently, when Charlie argued, ‘bringing up anything and everything’, Heeni had had enough. For the first time, she told him she hated him. Charlie responded in kind, saying he hated her and that he was going to kill her. Again, their daughter intervened:

And then he went mad at her and told her to shut up. And then I just said ‘I’m going to bed now’. ’Coz he’d kicked me out, I wasn’t to have the car and it was the coldest night. It was just last week. It was freezing. And I said, ‘No, I’m not going. I’m going to bed.’ The next day he was still horrible. I was – just in one ear and out the other – and I just got ready for work.

The Burden of Supporting

While Naida’s empowerment of Heeni is significant, and essential to Heeni’s feeling of well-being, it has placed its own burden on Naida. As they sipped their tea, Naida commented thoughtfully:

One of the things about you, Heeni, I’ve sometimes worried about … I’ve wondered if my influence may have contributed to your getting a slap. Because, after we’d talked, my influence on you was to stand strong, you know, be strong and take no shit. Just deal to him. And so you would answer back. And that’s when you’d end up getting a slap. And I wondered whether or not my influence may have contributed to unnecessary violence from him, simply because you wanted to be strong. You wanted to address those issues of domestic violence from within.

This is a significant consequence of being a support person for someone experiencing intimate partner violence. It can leave an emotional weight and sense of doubt on the shoulders of the supporter. This is where police can usefully become involved, sharing the load.

Unintended Consequences of Police Involvement

Not very long ago, Heeni said that, much to the surprise of Charlie, his abuse had been reported to the police. Neighbours, overhearing Charlie’s loud verbal abuse towards Heeni, called the police. When they came, Heeni was asked to leave:

Naida: You were asked to leave?

Heeni: That was because it was his place.² It’s just wrong. I said to him, ‘You go.’ But he wouldn’t. It was one of those new police safety orders.

Naida: Oh, where you’ve got to go while the police are there, otherwise they arrest you to make sure you go?

Heeni: I had to go somewhere. And then the police spoke to me, and he goes ‘Oh, Mam are you alright?’ I said, ‘Yep, I’m fine. You need to talk to him, it was his mouth, not mine’, you know. And Charlie was like, ‘Go on, Heeni, you tell him.’ And I said ‘No, it was your big mouth that brought them here, not mine.’ The other thing was they had to watch me leave and escort me off the property.

Notwithstanding the apparent injustice of Heeni having to leave, this has not put her off seeking police assistance. She was thankful they had come. The only reason she will not call them herself is due to her conviction that Charlie will carry out his threats if she did.

The Restorative Justice Option

He...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• List of Figures
• List of Tables
• List of Abbreviations
• List of Contributors
• Foreword
• Acknowledgements
• Introduction
• PART I SETTING THE SCENE
• PART II VIOLENCE IN THE HOME
• PART III THE PRACTICE OF RESTORATIVE JUSTICE IN FAMILY VIOLENCE – A CASE STUDY
• PART IV RECOGNIZING CULTURE IN RESTORATIVE RESPONSES TO FAMILY VIOLENCE
• PART V RESTORATIVE JUSTICE AND FAMILY VIOLENCE – RESEARCH FINDINGS
• PART VI CHALLENGES AND OPPORTUNITIES
• Appendix 1: Glossary of Māori Terms
• Appendix 2: Glossary of Samoan Terms
• Index