EQ Genius

Mastering Emotional Intelligence

Gloria Moses

• Publisher: JNR Publishing
• Year: 2016
• ISBN:
  9781310105555
• Topic: Crescita personale
• Subtopic: Salute mentale e benessere

Almost everyone is familiar with IQ, or "Intelligence Quotient", a measurement of intelligence arrived at by tests of reasoning and comprehension. A little less well-known is EQ, which refers to emotional intelligence. We know what emotions are--happiness, sadness, fear, anger, boredom, surprise--but what, specifically, is the meaning of emotional intelligence? Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, understand, express and control emotions. At the most basic level, perception: being "in touch" with your emotions, as well as the emotions of others. When you feel bad, do you know specifically what you are feeling? Is it anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, or just boredom? How accurately you can evaluate your feelings is a measure of emotional intelligence. Another important component is how well you can correctly identify the emotions of others. Most of us tend to do this subconsciously, through the observation of facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone, as well as consciously, by listening to what others say (however, if those to whom you are listening are not well in touch with their own emotions, or have a reason to be duplicitous about how they are feeling, it's best to go with the non-verbal cues).

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Definition of EQ
EQ Basics: Perception
EQ Basics: Understanding
EQ Basics: Expression
EQ Basics: Management
Is IQ more important than EQ?
Figuring Out IQ and EQ Scores
IQ Doesn't Always Help
EQ Is Increasingly Favored by Potential Employers—and Voters
Conclusions - Did EQ Win the Battle?
What Are Signs of High and Low EQ?
The Five Main Components of EQ
Other Signs of High EQ
Signs of Low EQ
Going Overboard- the Dark Side of EQ
Charismatic Manipulators
When EQ is a Liability, Rather than an Asset
How to Raise Emotional Intelligence
Brush Up on the Basics
Bonus!

Definition of EQ

Most everyone is familiar with IQ, or "Intelligence Quotient", a measurement of intelligence arrived at by tests of reasoning and comprehension. A little less well-known is EQ, which refers to emotional intelligence. We know what emotions are--happiness, sadness, fear, anger, boredom, surprise--but what, specifically, is the meaning of emotional intelligence?

Simply put, emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, understand, express and control emotions. At the most basic level, perception: being "in touch" with your emotions, as well as the emotions of others. When you feel bad, do you know specifically what you are feeling? Is it anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, or just boredom? How accurately you can evaluate your feelings is a measure of emotional intelligence. Another important component is how well you can correctly identify the emotions of others. Most of us tend to do this subconsciously, through the observation of facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone, as well as consciously, by listening to what others say (however, if those to whom you are listening are not well in touch with their own emotions, or have a reason to be duplicitous about how they are feeling, it's best to go with the non-verbal cues).

EQ Basics: Perception

Imagine if you lacked the ability to perceive emotions accurately. If you weren't sure how you were feeling, it might be difficult to do anything about it. A bad mood might linger, leaving you helplessly stewing. And what if you couldn't accurately gauge the emotions of others? You might miss the warning signs of someone who is getting angry with you or who plans to do you harm. Likewise, you might miss the signs of encouragement that someone you are interested in is sending you to let you know that they return your interest. Emotional intelligence is an important component of "social intelligence", which is the ability to understand how to get along with other people, to everyone's benefit.

There are people for whom this is challenging: One of the main hallmarks of Asperger's Syndrome, for example, is the lack of ability to perceive emotional cues in other people. People who have Asperger's syndrome, or Aspies, as they call themselves, are often quite intelligent folks, and they usually do realize, on an intellectual level, that they lack this ability innately. Aspies are also challenged in expressing their emotions in an appropriate way, even though they certainly experience them. This can lead to some awkward social interactions, with people viewing Aspies as insensitive. Technically, that is the case, although it is not that they don't care; they just have poor socialization skills, due specifically to their lower EQ.

EQ Basics: Understanding

Being able to correctly identify our emotions and to understand their effects can lead us to act upon them to maximize a positive outcome. If we feel anxious about an upcoming presentation at work, for example, it will galvanize us to learn the material inside and out, which benefits us with knowledge, and to practice speaking, which gifts us with additional skill. We will be able to tell that we are better-equipped to deal with the situation when the anxiety is replaced by confidence, so our emotions can not only give us clues that action is needed, but assure us when the correct action has been taken.

Fear is also a powerful emotion that is designed to spur us into action. We feel fear when our brain senses danger, either consciously or subconsciously. Ever get a “bad vibe” from someone that you just couldn't explain? Because of our concern with social niceties, some people may pooh-pooh this basic emotional response in order to “get along”, but as Gavin de Becker, a security expert, explains in his book The Gift of Fear, the emotion of fear is the result of an instinct that is there for a reason—your survival. You shouldn't be embarrassed or doubtful about feeling fear or distrust. Almost without exception, you will be able to identify someone who means you harm before they hurt you, whether it be social insult or physical assault.

Just as negative emotions can spur us to action, so can positive ones. Love, for example, is a powerful positive emotion that is an effective motivator. From a Darwinian standpoint, it is effective in furthering the species, as it makes us want to choose a mate and to produce children and raise them to do the same. Children who are raised with love, patience and kindness go on to become successful human beings. In addition, the kids of parents with high EQs are likely to develop the same skills, as their parents will teach them to recognize, express, and manage their emotions properly and effectively.

Understanding the emotions of others is inordinately helpful in interacting with them successfully. The ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes, so to speak—to understand how they feel, and why—is called empathy, and it is a very valuable skill to have. Imagine if you are confronted by someone who is upset—a dissatisfied customer, an irritable coworker, an unhappy spouse—your ability to empathize, to understand why they are upset, will allow you to determine the correct way to communicate with them. You might be able to clear up the problem and make them feel better. If not, you can at least avoid making the situation worse by being insensitive to their mood.

EQ Basics: Expression

Expressing emotions effectively is also an important part of social interaction. Some people believe that bottling up emotions keeps them safe; they don't want to let others knows how they are feeling, as they believe that shows too much vulnerability. Indeed, that may be the case in some very rare instances when interacting with individuals who have an equally negative view, but most people don't.

In general, it is best to let others know how you feel. If someone has taken an action that makes you feel bad, expressing your discomfort in a reasonable but clear way can enable them to rectify the situation; otherwise, they may have no idea you are uncomfortable, and the problem will go unaddressed. Think “the squeaky wheel gets the grease”. Equally, it is important to show your happiness, as well—after all, if you express your delight and gratitude to someone who has been kind, they will feel pleased and tend to continue to be kind. No one wants to feel like they are pouring water out into a desert, so make sure to show appreciation!

EQ Basics: Management

As we see, expressing both negative and positive emotions can help improve your life through social interactions. However, one must know how to control the expression of those emotions, as well as managing their effects internally, to avoid potential hazards. After all, it is one thing to let someone know you are displeased but quite another to rage at them. Expressing dissatisfaction with the service at a retail establishment in a firm but polite way can get you some help with solving the problem, but throwing a tantrum will get you ushered out the door.

We also need to control how our emotions affect us; a degree of fear or anxiety in an iffy situation is certainly warranted, but phobias and anxiety disorders can be quite paralyzing, and needlessly so. We have to learn to reason with our emotions, analyzing them to discern their root cause and what they are telling us. People who have a high EQ can do that.

Is IQ more important than EQ?

Figuring Out IQ and EQ Scores

IQ, or Intelligence Quotient, is measured by how well a person does on standardized tests as compared with other people of the same age. A child who is reasoning at a more advanced level—say, a 4th-grader who can tackle math and reading at the 7th-grade level, is found to have a higher IQ than a 7th-grader who struggles with that same math and reading. Adults are scored based on how well they do in comparison to adults in general, so someone who is in a high percentile of the tested population will be scored higher. A high IQ tends to reflect both the amount one has already learned and also the raw ability to learn.

There are several tests that have been developed by specialists in the field for EQ, or Emotional (Intelligence) Quotient, as well, such as the Emotional Competence Inventory (ECI) and the Multifactor Emotional Intelligence Scale (MEIS). These test for such things as the ability to perceive, identify and understand emotions and how to manage emotional situations. One test originally developed for the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, the Seligman Attributional Style Questionnaire (SASQ), actually gauges optimism and pessimism! EQ testing is pretty mainstream, when you think about it: How many times have you been reading a magazine and run across a quiz that supposedly determines your dating style, or your leadership ability, or your potential for entrepreneurship? Unlike IQ tests, which are administered in a standardized way, some EQ tests (like the magazine quizzes) are self-reporting; that is, you are asked to rate how well you do this or that. These particular tests are given a little less credence compared to non-self-reporting tests, viewed as more objective.

IQ Doesn't Always Help

Certainly, raw intelligence is useful in many instances. The ability to learn is paramount to the success of humans as a species. However, the ability to work cooperatively is just as important, if not more so. For every highly-intelligent individual who is so smart that they are quite prickly to be around, having little patience for people who cannot easily grasp the concepts they wish to discuss, there are individuals who may not have that same blistering brainpower, but who know how to get along well with others and motivate people. Guess who gets more done?

As discussed above, folks with Asperger's Syndrome are usually very smart individuals, as intellectual capacity is measured. But often they are so uncomfortable with having to interact with other people that they can isolate themselves in order to avoid the discomfort and misunderstandings that arise. Fortunately these days, internet chat rooms and forums that are devoted to Aspies help them connect and interact with each other, but as a whole, they face more challenges in participating with and becoming successful in society.

EQ Is Increasingly Favored by Potential Employers—and Voters

The above examples would tend to indicate that EQ is more important than IQ, insofar as one's success in our extremely social and collaborative world goes. No man is an island, as philosopher John Donne pointed out; we all depend on another for many things, and ease in social interactions can enhance our lives in many ways. Obviously, a high IQ is a plus: intelligent people tend to do better in school and that success usually results in higher-paid positions at work. But even though academic achievement is viewed favorably by potential employers, many companies these days are increasingly seeking people with a high measure of emotional intelligence, as well. An EQ test can be part of the interview process, and a high-scoring candidate is valued by the employer as someone who has leadership qualities and who can deal effectively with coworkers and clients alike.

Some experts even estimate that intellectual intelligence accounts for only 10-25% of one's success in life, and the rest depends on other factors. EQ is one of those factors. Employees with a high EQ not only have talent for leadership and teamwork, they also create better communication and a more social work atmosphere, leading to lower employee turnover. It is beneficial to a company in every way to hire people with high EQs.

Another arena in which EQ is invaluable is the political one. Think about what a cardinal sin it is for a political figure to be deemed “out of touch” with his or her constituents, and how much flak public figures can get for insensitive or ill-chosen words. It's a common refrain that people are increasingly more likely to vote for the person they'd rather have a beer with, and sheer intelligence or intellectual credentials don't carry as much weight. It has been shown that people would rather do business with (and presumably elect) a person whom they like and trust, even if that person is less qualified or is not offering as good a deal. If the candidates themselves have high EQs, their success will naturally come easier. If they don't, they'd better have enough sense to surround themselves with people who do!

Conclusions - Did EQ Win the Battle?

So, is it better to be smart or friendly? Well, the obvious answer is that it's better to be both. Although little can be done to raise one's raw intelligence (that's not to say one can't become better educated, which does actually raise IQ, the way testing is done), it is quite possible to raise EQ, with a little diligence. Let's take a look at the hallmarks of high and low EQs, and then we will see how to enhance and maximize EQ a little later.

What Are Signs of High and Low EQ?

The Five Main Components of EQ

According to experts Dr. Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, and Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, interpersonal relationship expert and executive adviser, there are five main components of EQ:

1. Self-Awareness – this is “being in touch” with one's self; not only the ability to recognize one's own emotions for what they are and to identify the cause, but also to be aware of one's own character, including strengths and limitations. This sort of self-awareness breeds confidence: If you know what you are good at, you have no worries, and if you know what you are bad at, you can plan to improve that, so also, no worries. People who are self-aware have less anxiety than people who aren't, because they realize that how they feel about things is ultimately under their own control, which leads us to the second major component of EQ.

2. Self-Control / Self-Regulation – Being aware of your emotions is the crucial first step, and it is widely agreed that it may be the most important component of EQ, but being able to control or regulate emotional response is a powerful talent, indeed. Fear, anxiety, anger and sadness can keep us from living effectively if they are not kept under control. Curbing an impulse to lash out in anger or jealousy could save a friendship or relationship. Controlling anxiety and projecting a calm, confident demeanor means success on the job, as well as in the social arena. People who are good at self-regulation are not slaves to their impulses, either, so they can avoid getting involved in the abuse of alcohol, drugs, food, sex, and other risky substances or behaviors.

3. Motivation – People with high EQs are more highly motivated to achieve, probably as their innate self-awareness allows them to visualize their goals clearly, and their self-control affords them the discipline to see beyond an immediate reward to the long-term benefits of following the correct course of action. They are able to formulate long-range plans and stick to them in order to find success.

4. Empathy – Empathy is another powerful component of emotional intelligence. As mentioned earlier, empathy is the ability to relate to the feelings of others. Sometimes people get 'empathy' and 'sympathy' confused, since sympathy is a much more common word. Even though they are both forms of the Greek root pathos, meaning 'emotion', their practical definitions are quite different. You might feel sympathy for someone who is dealing with the death of a child, for example, but those who know that grief themselves have empathy. Sympathy is supporting another person who is having an emotion without necessarily feeling it yourself. Empathy is knowing the feeling; really understanding it and sharing in it. The ability to put yourself in someone's place and understand why they are feeling—and, as a result—acting the way they do is key in being able to relate to others.

5. Social Skills / Social Interaction – Whereas IQ indicates intellectual ability, a lot of that is potential—the potential to absorb and synthesize information and to reason and analyze. All of that is a bit ethereal. EQ is more like an “applied intelligence”, in that it is put to work in a practical way through every social transaction one has. People may be impressed by someone who is smart, but they are affected by someone who possesses strong social skills, a person who can make them feel a certain way—loved, appreciated, valued. Social skills enable a person to relate to others in many beneficial ways, building a sense of collaboration and camaraderie. In the military, soldiers will follow good leaders into life-threatening battles because of a sense of devotion as much as duty.

Other Signs of High EQ

The five main components of EQ, discussed above, will result in these typical characteristics of people who have a high EQ:

A genuine interest in other people – people with a high EQ aren't afraid of getting to know people outside their normal circles. They enjoy meeting new people and learning about them, asking plenty of questions to learn more. This builds rapport, as the other person feels flattered by the interest and appreciates that their new friend is genuinely interested in finding how they feel and what they are like, instead of just making assumptions or stereotyping.

Leadership ability – a person with a high EQ can motivate others, as well, knowing how to use empathy and social skills to build trust and camaraderie.

Ability to concentrate – motivated people who can self-regulate are also excellent at keeping focus and not getting distracted by passing things. This ability to “keep their eyes on the prize” helps them to achieve their goals.

Strong sense of morality – High-EQ individuals have a keen sense of being a good, moral person of integrity. Their emotional awareness makes them more sensitive to how their behavior affects others as well as having that sense of personal accountability, and so they strive to conduct themselves in a manner that produces only positive, not negative feelings.

Helping others – empathy spurs the desire to help other people, and high-EQ people are drawn to helping others, whether it is a life-saving job, volunteer work, or an everyday habit of small things, such as helping a child tie a shoe or an elderly person step down out of a bus.

Resilience – the high motivation ...