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SECTION II: HOMEWORK, HANDOUTS, AND ACTIVITIES FOR COUPLES![]()
19
Assertiveness Homework for Couples
A. Peter MacLean
Type of Contribution: Homework/Handout
Objective
In order to help couples master the assertiveness skills they have been learning in session, they are instructed to apply the following A-B-C Model of Assertiveness as homework in role-plays and in vivo situations. These role-plays involve both actual and ideal behaviors. Through the practice of genuinely expressing oneās feelings and needsāwhile recognizing the rights of oneās partnerācouples learn to resolve disputes in a positive way that facilitates greater intimacy.
Rationale for Use
Greenberg and Johnson (1988) describe the marital relationship as providing āthe opportunity for interdependence, the chance to have oneās feelings and needs respected, and the opportunity to be the most important person to a significant other. This type of relationship between adults promotes trust, intimacy, disclosure, and the expression of intense feelingsā (p. 3). Marital relationships are often complementary in nature (Hendrix, 1988), and this is frequently evident in couplesā communication patterns. For example, a nonassertive person in a marriage will often only express frustration to major annoyances whereas an aggressive partner may lack patience and tend to become upset and angry too often. This type of relationship will clearly develop communication problems with respect to having each partnerās needs met. One approach to resolving this type of problematic relationship is to adhere to the wise maxim, Aristotleās Golden Mean. That is, find and follow a middle road between the interpersonal extremes of nonassertive and aggressive behavior. That middle road is assertiveness, the expression of oneās feelings and needs in an empathic way.
The focus of the present intervention is on helping couples become more assertive with each other. This intervention has effectively been employed in individual as well as group couples therapy.
Instructions
Prior to having clients actually do homework assignments, it is important in assertiveness training that they learn certain fundamental principles of human interactions and, in particular, the language of assertiveness. For example, a basic component of assertiveness training involves teaching clients to differentiate between the three basic types of behavior on the assertiveness continuum: (1) nonassertion (an individual allows others to violate oneās rights); (2) assertion (standing up for oneās own rights without denying the rights of others); and (3) aggression (lacking empathy and patience, and often infringing on the rights and dignity of others) (Jakubowski and Lange, 1978; Alberti and Emmons, 1982). In addition, clients learn about the eleven āBasic Assertive Rightsā that all humans have (see Appendix A; it is given as a handout to each partner as a component of the psychoeducational learning process in couples assertiveness training). They include, for example, the right to be treated with respect, the right to experience and express your feelings, and the right to ask for what you want (Jakubowski and Lange, 1978).
After the basics are learned, it is time for couples to apply these important principles in their interactions. An insightful yet simple model of assertiveness was proposed by Heisler and Shipley (1976), the A-B-C Model of Assertive Behavior. This strategy consists of the following three steps. After being the recipient of an offending behavior by another person, Step A involves briefly telling this individual how you feel using āI ā¦ ā statements (e.g., āI feel embarassed and a bit upset because you were impatient with me just now in front of our friends.ā). Step B is an empathic statement (and, with friends, is also supportiveāsee Appendix B) that considers the feelings of the offending individual and enhances the chances that the message being sent will be received (e.g., āI still think you meant well and were probably just in a hurry.ā). Step C is a request for behavior change in which the individual expresses his/her need that the offending behavior not occur again (e.g., āI need you not to criticize me in front of our friends again in the future. Can you try not to do that?ā). (Please refer to Appendix B, a second handout given to clients which provides examples of appropriate [i.e., assertive] and inappropriate [i.e., nonassertive and aggressive] behavior.)
Clinical experience has shown that nonassertive partners need to practice more on the A and C parts of the model (i.e., readily expressing their feelings and needs), whereas aggressive individuals must concentrate more on part B, consciously focusing on seeing their partnerās perspective. In addition, a very important concept in all assertiveness work is that of āappropriate assertiveness.ā This idea is nicely embodied within the A-B-C Model in that respect for others is evident with the inclusion of a focus on empathy.
Before couples apply the ABC model for homework, it is first important that they fully understand and can properly apply it in session with the therapist present to act as a guide. The therapist has the couple role-play a recent frustrating interaction or fight (the āactualā situation, i.e., their usual nonassertive and/or aggressive behavior). After this is completed, they share their reactions to this role-play with each other. Next, the therapist has the couple each identify their respective assertive rights (see Appendix A), and explicitly describe how they should āideallyā act (i.e., assertively) according to the A-B-C Model of Assertive Behavior. This is followed by the couple role-playing their former interaction, but this time in an assertive way following the Heisler and Shipley (1976) model. In addition, videotaping āactualā and āidealā behavior has proven effective as a learning tool in giving clients immediate feedback on their interactions.
Finally, it is important to discuss with the couple their feelings about how this assertive interaction compares with their earlier nonassertive and/or aggressive role-play. Typically couples will express mixed emotions. That is, although they typically feel pleased with their new style of interacting and report more positive (and fewer negative) emotions toward their partner, they nonetheless express anxiety about the novelty of this new mode of behavior. It is therefore important to state clearly that learning to act assertively is like learning any new skill in that a person must go through two general phases: (1) an initial anxious stage when he/she is trying to integrate unfamiliar ways of behaving assertively, and (2) an automatic phase in which assertive behavior has become a natural way of interacting with others and which only comes with consistent practice. This information is usually helpful in motivating clients to practice the assertiveness skills they have been learning.
Assertiveness homework with couples initially involves having them do more of the role-plays that they have been introduced to in session. For at least one to two weeks, they should include both āactualā and āidealā role-plays of any negative interactions they experience. This practice will help to reinforce the distinction between the three types of assertive behavior and, as assertiveness becomes more natural, they can decrease the rehearsal of their dysfunctional āactualā behavior. In addition, keeping an ongoing diary of these interactions is strongly encouraged.
For homework, the couple should be encouraged to bring in āsuccess storiesā of in vivo situations where they have acted assertively despite initial feelings of anxiety. When assertive behavior is becoming more automatic, the therapist will typically observe greater independence and interdependence in the couple as well as higher levels of trust, intimacy, and expression of intense feelings. Preparations for termination can then begin.
Suggestions for Follow-Up
Perhaps the most important factor necessary for maintaining a coupleās gains in acting assertively and avoiding backsliding into old problematic behaviors is for them to adopt a disciplined attitude of tolerating some āshort-term pain for long-term gain.ā That is, this perspective will allow the couple to recognize that, with time and practice, their initial anxiety and awkwardness associated with acting assertively will be replaced with interpersonal confidence and enhanced relationship satisfaction. Clients need to embrace every chance they have to practice being assertive using the A-B-C Model as a guide not only with their partners, but in all of their interpersonal situations. Furthermore, continuing to keep a brief log of assertive interactions is important, especially before these new adaptive behaviors have progressed to the stage of being automatic. This record keeping will help prevent backsliding and will aid the client in identifying ways in which s/he did not act as assertively as a particular situation called for, which should facilitate more assertive behavior in a similar future situation.
In more difficult assertive situations, it is often a good idea beforehand to visualize oneself in the particular interaction acting in an assertive way. In addition, by practicing hypothetical role-plays of upcoming stressful interactions, clients have reported success and greater confidence in their interpersonal ability to act assertively.
Contraindications
Like all types of couples therapy, a commitment to the process of change must be evident in both partners. Thus, the active practice of the A-B-C Model of Assertiveness as a homework tool for enhancing dyadic satisfaction is not likely to be effective unless both partners are committed first to the relationship, and also to personal growth as well as the process of therapeutic change. (This commitment is of particular importance in maintaining the gains made in therapy after the sessions have finished.) A history of partner abuse in the relationship would therefore be a contraindication for this homework activity. In addition, if one partner is ...
