Influence with Respect

Carsten Hjorth Pedersen, Peter Weber Vindum

• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9781725256606, 9781725256613
• eBook ISBN: 9781725256620
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

Whenever we interact with other people, we influence them--and they influence us. Within this sphere, neutrality is an impossibility. Instead, we must learn to think in terms of good and bad ways of influencing, and here the keyword is respect. The need for respectful influence is no less critical when dealing with religious influence, especially in the relationship between children and adults.In this book, longtime director of the Christian Institute of Education in Denmark, Carsten Hjorth Pedersen, provides valuable guidance for parents, educators, teachers, club leaders, and preachers who influence others in work or leisure. In a language accessible to all readers, the author shows the way to a healthy balance--a balance that relies on the will to confront, but without letting down the other person, neither through intimacy nor desertion.

Chapter 1

The complex world of influence

This book wrestles with an issue I am sure is familiar to every parent, teacher, and preacher across cultures, as well as to all children, teenagers, and students. As human beings, our basic intuition tells us there are both positive and negative forms of influence. However, it is those who primarily carry with them the negative experiences who are able to most accurately describe the difference between the two forms.

This became evident to me during my preparations for the interview survey I repeatedly return to in this book. I conducted a range of preliminary interviews, but I only spoke to young adults who had no significant experience with negative influencing during their school years. It was difficult for them to acknowledge their own privileged position, which made it hard for them to articulate the exact difference between positive and negative influence.

However, as I got to speak to informants who had experienced both sides, I got a much more nuanced description of the distinctive features that separate “influence in the positive way” from “influence in the negative way.” These informants provided me with the terminology I use in the models presented in this book.

So let me open this chapter with the words of two of my informants, whose names and circumstances will remain anonymous. Afterward, I will give the floor to two other individuals who carry equally valuable experiences.

Four individual experiences

Peter, who attended a Christian free school:

There was a correct answer to every question, and that was it. The adults would explain how everything ought to be understood. No nuance or uncertainty was ever allowed into the discussion. We were taught that terrible things would happen to those who left our community. My aunt was a member of the Pentecostal Church, and she was considered a lost soul. . . . In this context, faith is something that is forced on you. It is stuffed down your throat to such an extent that it no longer has anything to do with personal faith—it is just something you’ve been taught—something others have told you. There is no personal aspect. . . . The gospel was not in focus, only the rules. We were never allowed to be joyful Christians. The word of God was something that should be shared without joy.1

Bridget, who went to a Christian boarding school:

I reacted to the fact that they [the teachers] were so enclosed in their thinking. Very finalized and very settled. Also, I was triggered by the experience of them becoming much bigger than me in a sense. It became a form of power. When I see a teacher teaching, I see an act of power rather than an act of care and concern.2

A fourteen-year-old girl’s voice message on the Children’s Telephone Helpline3:

My parents are hardcore members of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I experience it as harmful. . . . I want to leave my faith, but I know that if I do so, a large part of my family, if not all of them, will push me away. I fear the outcome, and I would like to speak to someone outside Jehovah’s Witnesses and get their perspective.4

An eleven-year-old girl’s voice message on the Children’s Telephone Helpline:

I am a Muslim, and I am not allowed to do anything. I mean this in a literal sense. I am only allowed to go to school, come back home, help my mother clean the house, and pray to our god. Apart from that, I’m just bored. When I ask if I can go out and play, the answer is always no.5

To some extent, the psychology of influence is the same when dealing with children, teenagers, and adults. Naturally, the responsibility is greater in relation to small children, and as you get older your personal responsibility grows in terms of what forms of influence you allow.

A matter of form

There is an important difference between “negative influence” and “being influenced in a negative manner.” The former is primarily a matter of content, while the latter is a matter of form or method.

Most people would probably agree if you teach your children to lie or steal—perhaps because you do it yourself—it is an example of negative influence. But whether or not it is a negative influence to teach your children there is a God or the Republicans have the most reasonable policy cannot be determined objectively. It is a matter of conviction, faith, and assessment.

Influence in a negative manner often occurs in questions pertaining to conviction, faith, and assessment. For instance, it is usually less relevant to talk about influence in a positive or negative manner in areas such as math or geography.

Since we all have certain convictions—even if we are not aware of them—it is not the conviction itself that is problematic. It can be false or untrue, but that is a different issue. But the manner in which we are convinced and pass on that conviction can be more or less positive, appropriate, or legitimate. In short, it is a matter of form.

However, form and content are not two completely detached elements. If your conviction tends to be sharp and narrow, it becomes all the more important to be aware of influencing with respect. Therefore, this is especially a challenge among the minority. It might seem unfair, but minority communities simply have to accept this fact and take it into account when navigating within the sphere of influence.

The majority, however, finds itself in a different and perhaps even more serious danger—namely the danger of not being aware of its own biased values. Often the majority is blind to the fact there is no evidence to support their value systems,...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Influence with Respect
• Preface
• Chapter 1: The complex world of influence
• Chapter 2: A theoretical and practical model
• Chapter 3: Further perspectives on intimization, desertion, confrontation, and withdrawal
• Chapter 4: The importance of confrontation
• Chapter 5: Religious extremism
• Chapter 6: What options do parents, teachers, and preachers have?
• Chapter 7: What can children, students,and listeners do?
• Chapter 8: Love requires nearness and distance
• Bibliography