Embracing Prodigals

Overcoming Authoritative Religion by Embodying Jesus' Nurturing Grace

John Sanders

• Publisher: Cascade Books
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9781725264069, 9781725264076
• eBook ISBN: 9781725264083
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Theology

Do you wonder why some people you know hold theological and political views that blow your mind but they find quite reasonable? Today, Christians are at odds over how to understand the Bible, atonement, and salvation of non-Christians. They are also polarized over issues such as same-gender marriage, income inequality, and health care. Two social science models, Nurturant and Authoritative, explain this divide. Values are at the heart of our disagreements. Nurturants prize empathy and cooperation while Authoritatives cherish obedience to law and order. Each group has distinct core values and these lead them to embrace different theological, moral, and political views. This book explains the divide and makes the case that Jesus embodied the Nurturant way of life. He modeled empathy, grace, forgiveness, and care for those beyond his own tribe. The Nurturant and Authoritative approaches have competed for thousands of years but contemporary research shows that the Nurturant way of life produces better mental and spiritual health as well as superior communities in which to live.

1

Meet the Parents

For many years, my wife and I disagreed about the best approach to child rearing. I thought it sufficient to clearly state the rules and expect our kids to obey them immediately and without question. My wife was more attuned to where each child was developmentally and sought to understand why they acted up at times. When they did act up my first thought was they were challenging my authority, whereas my wife wondered whether they were not feeling accepted and loved. It turns out that our two approaches to child rearing are quite common, both historically and around the world.

Below are four sets of characteristics in children. You may feel yourself torn between the options in each set. However, select the value in each pair you prefer. Which of the following qualities do you believe is more important for a child to have?

•Independence or Respect for Elders

•Good Manners or Curiosity

•Well Behaved or Being Considerate

•Self-Reliance or Obedience

Which ones did you select? If you chose independence, curiosity, being considerate, and self-reliance then you strongly embody the Nurturant parent values. If you chose respect for elders, good manners, well behaved, and obedience then you strongly affirm the Authoritative parent approach. Of course, as explained below, there are people who select some from each and so are a mix of these ideal types.

These four questions are the Rosetta Stone used by researches around the world to identify types of people. The questions occur in important surveys such as the American National Election Studies and the World Values Survey that studies hundreds of countries. Researchers use them to identify people who affirm the values and dispositions associated with the Nurturing and Authoritative approaches to life. The traits we prefer in children correlate to the type of vehicle you drive, the TV shows you watch, the types of pets you have, and the kind of coffee you drink.1 More significantly, the responses tell us whether you are wary of outsiders, how you understand fairness, and whether you believe the world is fundamentally a good or dangerous place. The answers people give accurately predict their stances on issues ranging from health care to income inequality.2 In fact, child-rearing preferences accurately predict fundamental orientations toward authority and the stances people take on many cultural and political issues.3 The reason is that the characteristics we desire in children disclose some of our core values. They embody a deeply entrenched moral vision that guides us on the path of life.

Material on parenting styles identifies four types determined by the degree to which parents are (1) responsive (emotionally warm and accepting) and (2) demanding (holding children accountable to high expectations). My names for the types are Permissive, Nurturant, and Authoritative.4 Permissive parents are unconditionally accepting, extremely lenient, and make few demands. They are highly responsive and have few expectations. On the other end of the spectrum are Authoritative parents, who are highly demanding and have a lower degree of responsiveness and acceptance. Between these two types are Nurturant parents, who score high on both responsiveness and demandingness. They couple high expectations with strong emotional warmth. Few parents fall into the fourth category: Disengaged parents who are neither responsive nor demanding. Researchers who focus on political and social issues focus on the Nurturant and Authoritative types rather than on the Permissive and Disengaged. This book does as well.

The Nurturant Parent

Nurturing parents want children to become responsible and self-reliant as they navigate new situations in life. To accomplish this, they set high expectations and enforce standards while simultaneously providing acceptance and affection. Parents furnish structure, order, and predictability by establishing routines, managing children’s schedules, and supervising peer associations. It is important to note that Nurturing and being an authority are compatible because Nurturant parents understand themselves as the authority in the home who sets and enforces the standards. Nurturing is not blind and is not an “anything goes” approach. Nurturing parents make evaluative judgments and confront wrongdoing. When the child does something harmful, the parents correct and discipline the child. The goal of discipline is restitution and reconciliation rather than retribution. Obedience arises from love and acceptance rather than fear of punishment. Parents are issue- and goal-oriented rather than focused on rigid obedience. Families are groups of people who rely on one another, so trust and accountability are crucial for them to function well.

As children mature, they are encouraged to exercise increasing independence in developmentally appropriate ways with the goal of becoming self-reliant. They should be able to think on their own, operating on their core values while negotiating new situations and problems in life. This means they may need to innovate and improvise rather than simply mimic the behaviors of the exemplars. Children are encouraged to ask questions in appropriate ways since independence of mind is valued. Parents are sensitive and open to suggestions from the child. They are flexible in how they enforce expectations and are willing to negotiate when children provide reasons. Changing one’s mind in light of new information indicates one is willing to follow the truth and act responsibly.

The Nurturant approach recognizes that it takes teamwork, a village, to raise a child. Although the parents have ultimate responsibility, educators, neighbors, friends, clubs, and others play important roles in helping our children mature. Children need to learn to live together in families and communities. Consequently, learning to cooperate with others is a priority. Parents seek to inculcate a sense of social responsibility in children to care for the well-being of others.

Political scientists and sociologists find the following characteristics associated with adults who affirm Nurturant values.

•Justice is primarily about making sure that all people have a solid opportunity to fulfill their potential in life. All should share the goods and services of society.

•Individuals need to be morally responsible for themselves as they live in community with others. Mature people have developed character traits that guide them as they relate to others. Trusting relationships and interdependence are important.

•Cooperation and social responsibility are core values. Social and public programs are investments in our communal life.

•Concern for others extends to those outside their immediate in-group.

•The emphasis on teamwork and community leads to a preference for democratic or shared governance in various institutions, including churches. They seek to ensure that all people have a voice. Even in settings where one person is ultimately in charge, leaders are sensitive to the interests of those who contribute to the organization or community.

•Though individuals have personal responsibility, systems play an important role in our lives. There are, for example, judicial, educational, and health systems that affect each of us. These networks, however, are not always fair to everyone, so sometimes the system can be a barrier to living out your potential.

•Nurturants place higher importance on emancipative values regarding personal freedom rather than social conformity. They respect the social and moral orders while acknowledging that human institutions are not perfect and may need to change.

•Some of the key values for this way of life include empathy for others, individual and social responsibility, dialogue, perspective-taking, cooperation, and tolerance.

The Authoritative Parent

Parents who emphasize authority want children to become responsible people who live in obedience to the rules established by the legitimate authorities such as God, government, and parents. Parents manifest love to their children through high expectations and strictly enforcing compliance to them. When children disobey, punishment is direct and harsh behavioral control along with rejection (nonacceptance). Parents may withdraw love to instill fear of what happens when disobedience happens. They may also use guilt to motivate the child. When bad behavior occurs, the focus is on retribution rather than reconciliation. The punishment is coercive and often corporal in order to teach children the painful consequences of breaking the rules. Children learn obedience out of fear of punishment.

Authoritatives see the world as a highly competitive place so children have to learn how to succeed in the struggle against others. When children are coddled, they do not acquire the strength needed to survive in a dog-eat-...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: Meet the Parents
• Chapter 2: The Nurturing Jesus
• Chapter 3: God is Love
• Chapter 4: Different Gods Create Us in Their Image
• Chapter 5: Grace and Why Some Just Don’t Get It
• Chapter 6: For The Bible Tells Me So
• Chapter 7: Styles of Relating
• Chapter 8: In His Steps
• Chapter 9: Religious Politics
• Chapter 10: Homecoming
• Bibliography