1991ā92
A few weeks after the arrival of our new family members from Nigeria, my father called all of us into the living room and told us that he would be leaving his job at the Kodak plant in Salt Lake City. He asked us to sit on the couch and he sat down with us, and then he stood up and sat down again. With tears in his eyes, he told us that he had walked into his office, laughing with a coworker about something or other, and then he saw it: a crude drawing hanging by a red thread from the side of his cubicle. Someone had drawn a picture of my father with his facial features greatly exaggerated, and blood dripping from the extra-wide nose. The drawing was meant to be a representation of my father, an effigy, but he said the thing actually resembled an evil monkey.
Mom seemed shockedāher eyes grew large and she kept saying, āIt canāt be so. It canāt be so.ā Femi rubbed Momās back and Ade smiled like Dad had just announced that we were all going to Disney World. Tayo and I glanced at each other, and then Tayo stared down at the yellowing carpet. I could not help but shake my head. Though we were both scared, and angry, we werenāt really surprised: We had heard different versions of this speech before. This was just the latest in a long series of job disappointments for him.
We knew that things had been easier for Dad once. At other times, in other settings, Dad had regaled Tayo and me with stories about happier moments in his life. He would tell us how, as a young student in Nigeria almost fourteen years before, he had applied to a college in Utah on a whim, a school no one in his family had heard of, and how heād learned shortly afterward that heād been awarded a full scholarship. How his new school, Weber State University, had sponsored his trip to Utah, and covered the airfare for his new bride as well. Howāunlike his siblings, his friends, almost everyone he knewāhe had received a visa to travel to the United States on his first visit to the US Embassy in Lagos. How he felt hopeful even when he could not find a job in his chosen field, how he believed that his American dream would inevitably come true.
But then Mom got sick and left. Afterward Dad did all kinds of stuffāhe worked as a mechanic, and then as a janitor at an amusement park, and then as a street sweeper, and then as a security guard. At first, each job seemed to present him with a host of possibilities, a chance to move up and make his mark, but then, inevitably, disappointment would follow. Sometimes he was laid off without explanation, and other times he quit because he was tired of being bullied. A threatening note left on his desk. An ugly word flung at his face.
Dad was always telling us that things would be getting better soon, but after a while we could tell that he had stopped believing this himself.
I still remember the day when Dad came home, so excited that it seemed like he was blushing, and told Tayo and me that he had been hired by Kodak. This was just a few months before our new mom and brothers arrived from Nigeria. Dad told us that the job didnāt pay very much, but that he would get to wear a suit and tie every day. I remember being in awe of the idea that my father would actually have to dress up to go to work, instead of wearing one of the gray, drab jumpsuits that lined his musty closet. I helped Dad iron his favorite brown suit the night before his first day, the one with the missing top button and the small tear in the middle of the right sleeve. The next morning I felt so proud of him that I lingered in the car after he pulled up in front of my school, and I smiled at him like my face could do nothing else. Even though Iād spent my entire life in America, at that moment I felt as if we had all just arrived, and that everything was about to change.
After leaving Kodak, my father quickly found another job at a shop in Layton called Layton Rental. The place was filled with an assortment of machines that could be rented for varying periods of time. Dad seemed happy there, and he always answered the phone when I called:
āHello, Layton Rental. Segun speaking!ā
Sometimes I called just to hear his voice. He always sounded cheerful, even if heād left home carrying sorrow in his eyes:
āHello, Daddy! Can I have a lawn mower, please?ā
āYes, for how long?ā
āI only need it for a couple minutes.ā
āOkay, thatās fourteen million dollars.ā
āDaddy! I only have seven cents!ā
āOkay, I will give you the Akinola discount. We will hold it for you. When are you coming?ā
He often brought Tayo, Femi, and me to the shop, and I loved talking with Dadās coworkers as Dad worked the cash register, or showed a customer around. I also loved staring at the machinesālawn mowers, riding lawn mowers, chainsaws, all sputtering, oil-filled contraptions. They all seemed exotic at the time, even when my father turned a key or pulled a string or pressed a button to summon them to life. He always had a fun story for us after work, sometimes about an especially boorish customer, other times about a power drill he had repaired against all odds.
After a few months, though, my father began to come home angry. He told us he had decided that his accent was preventing him from getting ahead.
I had never heard him complain about his accent before. I didnāt really know what an accent was. I knew Dadās voice was differentāhe didnāt speak like my teachers or the social workers who occasionally stopped by our apartment to check up on Tayo and me after Mom returned to Nigeriaābut in my mind the difference was a positive one. His voice sounded royal to me; I thought he had the kind of voice that everyone wanted, that through effort or fate, or perhaps a combination of both, heād been blessed with a deep, forceful voice that instantly marked him as someone who was important.
Dad felt otherwise. At home he began to slam the phone down after repeating the same word four or five times to the personāalways an Americanāon the other end. And then there was his charge to Tayo, Femi, and me as we sat around the dinner table one evening:
āLook here, you must have a perfect American accent,ā he said, calmly, icily. āPeople can say anything they want about the way you look, about your skin. But if you learn to speak better than them, there is nothing they can do. They cannot prevent you from moving ahead. Remember, everyone in this country is a racist. Even me. But if you learn to speak good, no one can hold you back.ā
At this Mom made a clucking noise. āAre you sure this is what you want to be telling your children?ā
Tayo, Femi, and I began staring at our plates like they contained every dream weād ever prayed for. Even Femiāwhoād only been in America for a few weeks by thenāknew better than to glance at Dad when he was being challenged. We knew that it was better for us to stare at the wall, our food, each other, to act as if we had no idea what was happening.
āWhat do you mean?ā Dad growled.
āI mean, should you be teaching these children that everyone in America is a racist? Do you even believe that yourself?ā
āWoman, I have been living in this country for more years than you have been working. I know what I am talking about. Why donāt you keep quiet and bring me more food?ā
Mom kept sitting, maybe for a second too long, but then she rose and picked up Dadās plate. Tayo, Femi, and I waited for a few beats, and then we stood as one and excused ourselves. We didnāt hear a word from either of them for the rest of the night.
Dad began to make us watch the evening news so weād learn how to speak what he called āprofessional English.ā I began to notice the differences.
My father said āchumorrowā and the white, well-coifed hosts said ātomorrow.ā
āTomorrow, negotiations begin.ā
āTomorrow, the president will meet with the grieving families.ā
āTomorrow, the cease-fire goes into effect.ā
My father said āhabohā instead of āharbor.ā He said ābiroā instead of āpen.ā He said āpalohā instead of āliving room.ā My third-grade teacher asked me where my homework was, the day I forgot to bring it to school.
āI left it in my paloh, on the couch.ā
āYour paloh?ā
I looked, confused, at my classmates, who tittered around me.
āMy paloh. With the TV, couch, rug . . .ā
My teacher smiled in recognition.
āOh. You mean your living room. Okay, thatās fine. Donāt forget to bring it in tomorrow. And try to remember, when youāre at school, itās a living room.ā
I burned with shame, then anger. Years later, I finally figured out that my father was saying āparlor.ā
Over time, I realized that an American would have to pass through two rooms before reaching my fatherās living room. First she would have to walk through a room of accent, a room brimming with thickets of syllables that were being twisted against their natural purpose. Then she would have to walk through a room crammed with old-world British terms. Weighty, abstracted words that my father had learned as a student in Nigeria in the 1950s, words that mean almost nothing in Britain today, and mean even less in America. And if she was patient enough to pass through both rooms, without even knowing what she was searching for, there was a chance she would happen upon the destination, the place my father had mentioned many moments before. Was it worth the effort? For some, yes. To others, though, my father didnāt know what he was talking about. He was to be ignored.
My father became obsessed with the idea of starting his own business the moment my stepmother began working as a nurse at St. Benedictās Hospitalāthe biggest in town. She got the job about four months after she arrived, and Femi, Tayo, and I soon discovered (by huddling near our parentsā bedroom door as they argued quite loudly one evening) that Momās salary was substantially higher than Dadās. In the days following their argument my father began to complain even more about Layton Rental, about how his accent scared everyone because he sounded like the popular stereotype of the modern male African. I didnāt know what a stereotype was, and when I asked him he told me to be quiet and go read my books.
Dad began to deliver rousing pep talks to himself at all hours of the day, even when he was driving us to school:
ā. . . that is the promise of this country! I must become an entrepreneur! That is my fate in this world! That is why God put me here! I am wasting my talents giving all my skill to these people! Thatās why Iām not getting ahead! I must take the horn by the bulls!ā
He spoke this way for many weeks, but nothing really changed.
In January of ā92, we moved from our apartment to a small brown house on Belnap Circle. It had three bedrooms and two bathrooms, and we actually had a garage, with an off-white garage door that clattered up or down after you flicked a switch inside. Tayo, Femi, and I took turns doing it whenever Mom and Dad were gone.
A few months later, in late spring, my father woke me up early on a rainy Saturday morning and told me we had somewhere special to go. He took me to the post office headquarters in Salt Lake City. We drove around the place until we saw the massive parking lot filled with dozens of gleaming white mail trucks; from afar they looked almost like large immobile sheep.
āMy truck is there,ā he said, pointing toward the lot. āTrust me, Tunde, our lives will be changing very soon.ā
At the time I had no idea what he was talking about. When I asked him if he planned on becoming a mailman he smiled but he wouldnāt answer. I thought his smile meant that I was right, and I tried to imagine him dropping letters off at the houses in our neighborhood instead of Mr. Peters, the kindly old man with the white, wispy mustache. I was suddenly scared for Mr. Peters because I didnāt want him to lose his job because of my father.
Dad told us his plan a few days later, on the Friday before our last week of school, after waking my brothers and me up and asking us to gather in the paloh.
āToday, I am beginning my life again,ā he said. āIāve quit my job at Layton Rental. Iāve purchased an old post office truck from the government. I...