Mr England

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781840021707
• eBook ISBN: 9781849432047
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Why has middle manager Stephen England got up in the night and defecated on the living room carpet? His wife Judith doesn't know, nor does his mother Irene. Only Andy, the gauche youth who regularly turns up uninvited to borrow his power tools, can save him (or destroy him).
Mr England was produced at the Sheffield Crucible, October 2000.

ACT ONE

The set is lit as the audience take their seats. To open, the lights go to black. During the blackout JUDITH, IRENE and ANDY take their seats. ANDY downstage left; JUDITH, upstage right; and IRENE, upstage left. The lights come up focused on STEPHEN ENGLAND as he walks from up-stage centre quickly and purposefully towards his chair down-stage right. STEPHEN ENGLAND is a man of 44, but looks older. He is solid, six feet tall, with greying hair and a neat businessman’s haircut. He wears a two piece off the peg business suit with a rather faded Remembrance Day poppy in it, black shoes, a pink shirt with a white collar, a joke tie (The Simpsons, or Mickey Mouse), joke socks (Simpsons/Star Wars/Disney). He has a signet ring on his left hand, and a sub-Rolex silver watch on his left wrist.

STEPHEN: (On the phone.) …three hundred one point six mil soffit cleats…two thousand MF thirteen panhead screws…two thousand twenty-five mil dry wall screws…five hundred G-six skirting plates …I know, I told them. They’ll just have to send them back…two hundred three-point-six deep flange channels…one hundred three-point-six extra deep flange channels…and one, get this, one, Kelly’s eye, the number one, one three-point-six ultra deep flange channel…they must have a problem there. They don’t want any more board. They’ve got enough twelve mil gyp to partition China.

(He flicks the mobile closed, and sits in the leather chair and talks to his therapist.)

Stephen England. English Gypsum. Prefabricated building products division. Sector five customer liaison. Worked for Gypsum on and off for twenty-two years. Dad to twin daughters, Hannah and Jane. Forty-four years old. Wife number two, Judith, Jude. (Beat.)

Wednesday night, middle of the night. I got up, went downstairs, living room, had a shit on the mat, and pissed on the sofa. Wife gets up – cancels coffee morning, starts blubbing. Leaves home. Takes the car. Wife puts petrol in the car. It’s a diesel. Car fucked, excuse my French. The AA bring wife and car back. Wife gets a bus, goes to her mother’s. Car buggered, can’t go to work. Ring in and book a day’s holiday. Never had a day off sick. I’ve never done anything like this before. (Beat.)

Dublin. I was in Dublin once, ha! I’m not going to Ireland again, one big open air asylum, you’d have your work cut out there pal. Gypsum launch of the High Impact Firewall system. It’s ordinary gyp plasterboard, but it’s laminated, and fire-proof – clever stuff. Can we shift it? No we can’t. First night there I get legless with Des Stafford. He’s alright is Des, you can have a laugh with him, he’s done the job, you wimme? Result – I go to bed a bit under the influence. Hotel room. Middle of the night. Need a leak, there’s no en-suite toilet – Ireland remember – I can’t be bothered to walk down the hall, so I go in the sink on the side. Wake up in the morning – there is no sink in the side. All my papers are ruined. Learnt a big lesson there I did. Never buy white furniture. But Wednesday – I wasn’t drunk. I knew what I was doing, sort of. Why did I do it?

(Pause.)

Dunno.

(STEPHEN frowns fiercely.

Lights up on the full set. STEPHEN remains glued in his frown, facing the audience. JUDITH sits at the sewing machine. She is not making anything. She is a 42-year-old good-looking woman with just a touch of grey in her hair. She wears pastel shades of wool, and catalogue clothes which veer dangerously towards the flowery, but just manage to remain subtle. Sitting in his chair downstage left is ANDY. He is 19. He wears tracksuit bottoms, a poofed up, anorak of fluorescent yellow nylon, and a floppy, white with blue hoops, Noddy-style hat.)

JUDITH: This book is dedicated to women and girls,

and especially to teachers of sewing everywhere,

who enjoy the feel of fabric,

the beauty of textiles,

the precision of stitches,

the smoothness of seams,

and who delight always in appropriate fabrics carefully cut

and made up for a happy purpose.

ANDY: Wassat?

JUDITH: It’s the only poem I ever learnt. It’s not a poem really. In the book it says it’s a dedication. My sewing teacher gave me the Singer sewing manual when I left school. I was the only girl to do the ‘O’ level. Miss Nicholas. Unfortunate name for a teacher, especially a young attractive one. She married one of the boys from the sixth form. Quite a shock at the time. They live in Quorn now, very nice. They’ve got five children, a double garage, and a Mexican hairless.

ANDY: I wanna garage.

JUDITH: John Kray! I kissed him once. I went rather wild in my twenties. Stephen doesn’t know it all. Ha! I went to Poland and lived in a squat with some very nice hippies, Polish hippies. I’m ashamed of some of the things I did then.

ANDY: Lot of boyfriends yeah?

JUDITH: I was one of the very few people who looked good in an Afghan, and I’d worked out a way of getting rid of the smell before you wore it. But you don’t know what I’m talking about do you – Afghans.

ANDY: Afghanistan innit?

JUDITH: No it’s not. Don’t worry about it. But Polish men. Ugh. They all think they’re gods. I came back to England in the end. I prefer English men. They’re not gods, but they’re not completely bananas either. Oh yes, I had quite a go at everything in my twenties. You should make the most of that time Andrew, don’t try and grow up too quickly, you might not like it when you do.

ANDY: What did Steve do in his twenties?

JUDITH: He sold an awful lot of half-inch plaster board.

ANDY: I wanna lot of girlfriends. A garage and a lot of girlfriends. Maybe a double garage.

JUDITH: I met him at a rugby club disco. He had mistletoe sticking out of his flies. He thought it was funny. So did I. It wasn’t even Christmas. When I knew it was twins I resigned from United Sugars. It was a good job as well. Better money than Stephen’s. You haven’t got a car have you Andy?

ANDY: Soon innit?

JUDITH: Ooh, how exciting.

ANDY: Got a job now. Compu’ers.

JUDITH: Oh, that’s wonderful news Andy. A job!

ANDY: That’s why I come round innit.

JUDITH: Oh, smashing! Stephen will be pleased for you.

ANDY: Yeah.

JU...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Set
• Characters
• Contents
• Act One
• Act Two