Double Nugget

Johnny McKnight

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781849431385
• eBook ISBN: 9781849433532
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

This pair of plays are from Scottish theatre company Random Accomplice, by Random Accomplice writer, Johnny McKnight & follow on from the success of their Smalltown tour. Marymassacre 'refreshing & original production …dark, funny & at times, very hard hitting…' - The Irvine Herald It's where the fun of the fair meets a secret affair. On Irvine Moor, two women wait at the candy floss machine, both of them unaware how they'll change each others' lives forever. These two women share a secret – a secret that will cause deadly damage on Marymass Saturday. Seven Year Itch '...a tremendously vivid show, in which layers of narrative jostle together with such complexity and playfulness that it fairly takes the breath away... an unobtrusively excellent script that turns on a sixpence between looming tragedy and brilliant comic one-liners...' - The Scotsman Has the rut set in on what was once wonderfully described as watered down David Lynch? After all, who knew that working together was going to be so bloody hard. Join our hapless duo, stuck in their monotonous part time jobs wondering what could have been as they "grin and bear the dashed hopes of every wannabe who never hit the big time." Seven Year Itch is for anyone who thinks about shredding their co-workers' fingers, for the daydreamer looking at the stapler with murderous intentions and for the performers who keep forgetting their lines on stage.

SEVEN YEAR ITCH

MARTIN and JULIE are both sitting on their desks. They are watching the audience coming in, a selection of carefully chosen Dolly Parton hits are playing. They look at each other, nod and move centre stage. A glaring spotlight raises on them.

BOTH: This story is based on actual events.

MARTIN: In certain cases incidents, characters, dialogue, events and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes.

JULIE: Certain characters may be composites, or entirely fictitious.

BOTH: No animals were harmed in the making of this production.

JULIE: Let me talk you through what will happen tonight. We will be acting. Please do not panic. We will not attempt any accents, there will be no miming and any form of character motivation or subtext will be purely coincidental. This means we will be portraying characters who bear an uncanny resemblance to ourselves.

MARTIN: Julie will be playing a bipolar, OCD afflicted, very prudish middle-aged woman.

JULIE: Martin will be playing a gay.

BOTH: It is important to play a character you can connect with.

JULIE goes to exit – MARTIN attempts to speak.

JULIE: Can I just take this opportunity to remind you that we are acting?

MARTIN: Performing.

JULIE: We are pretending to be other people, trying to tell a shocking and brutal true story but we wanted to make this a funny show because the real story gives us no cause for laughter. Therefore we’ve had to change some facts, make up a few jokes, give our characters some kooky ticks.

MARTIN: When we talk of Drew or Martin, we are really thinking of Nicholas.

JULIE: When we say Jenny or Julie, we are thinking of Mary.

Also, we don’t want to offend anyone’s religion so, for tonight the role of our higher being will be played by:

BOTH: Miss Dolly Parton.

MARTIN: Amen.

JULIE: A-woman. When you next see me, I will be completely transformed.

JULIE exits.

MARTIN: Background Information. Section 1. Where it took place.

An office. Two people.

It should be an office in Chicago. But tonight it is Glasgow (or whatever city we are in).

You can tell a lot about a person by the desk they keep. Her real name was Mary Stachowicz but we decided to call her Jenny Talia. It’s funnier for us. She uses bulldog clips, which I think is a bit lesbiany but I guess it’s right for the character. Her screensaver is a picture of Cher, not the actual Cher, but her mother in fancy dress. It’s important that it is me that uses the word Mother. She has porcelain statues of the three bears, but has lost one so it’s really the two bears. A well-worn copy of Dolly Parton’s autobiography My Life and Other Unfinished Business. Pencil case, cheap, possibly stationery box. A picture of a drunken works night out in 1993 where she pulled a work colleague wearing a long jumper tucked into a pair of ski pants. We think this would be how Mary might have met her husband. Although the outfit would be different.

His desk. His name was Nicholas Guiterraz but for the purposes of tonight we will call him Drew Peacock. I’ve decided he has a screensaver of the Hollyoaks Men in their pants, an iPhone 4, 8 hour cream, a roll of bin bags from the 99p shop and a picture of himself. One of those items is necessary for this story to be told.

This is the point where you realise I am a very good actor because I am playing a gay even though I prefer vagina. In real life I would have a neat and tidy desk. I couldn’t be more different from Nicholas. We call this ability for transformation – range.

There would be a door so that people could enter and exit. Radiator. Heating pipes. Crawlspace with grill placed over it. That’s important. Wall clock. Nicotine stained vertical blinds that have been up since 1984. 2 tables, 2 chairs, non-ergonomic but you’re worth the discomfort. Tipex Mark 1, 2, 3, 4. A window, to look wistfully out of. We’d probably exhale in a poignant manner whilst doing this. A holdall kicked under a desk hoping no one would notice its existence. That’s important.

Jenny would enter through the office door.

JULIE enters, she presents herself to show the amazing transformation (she is wearing a scarf).

Offices are places where mind-numbing conversation breeds such as:

JENNY: Morning Drew.

I said – Morning Drew.

DREW: Morning.

JENNY: And Dolly said let there be light… (She turns on her computer.)

What a morning…

DREW: Hmmm?

JENNY: That rain – oofh. Torrential, ooft – pouring it down out there so it is – cachoo. Your feet must be soaking wet. Sodden. Wringing. Drookit. Absolutely sopping right through. A real Wetty Wendy.

DREW: Not really.

JENNY: I mean snow in March. Who would think it? Snow, well you know what they say, ne’er cast a cloot until May is oot. March in with the lion out with lamb. Hahaha.

DREW: I don’t understand.

JENNY: Understand?

DREW: What that means? What does ‘in with lion out with the lamb’ actually mean?

JENNY: It’s a metaphor.

DREW: For what?

JENNY: Exactly.

Roasting in here though.

DREW: It’ll be the radiators I suspect.

JENNY: Oh so it will, that’s what it’ll be. Will I turn them down? The radiators, will I turn them down?

DREW: Leave it on. I think you could do with defrosting.

JENNY: Exactly.

MARTIN: We’re trying to show our characters in a positive light. They are kooky in our version, talking in metaphors, the weather, they make snippy asides such as:

JULIE: Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went there it would be hell.

MARTIN: Turns out she was a test-tube baby, she wasn’t worth a fuck back then either.

These lines are fictional. We have, however, shown that they are not what you would call close, making this Exhibit A.

JULIE: Jenny strokes the Dolly Parton autobiography, My Life and Other Unfinished Business. That’s ironic. A voice from above would speak:

DOLLY: Well hi there, Jenny. It’s Dolly Parton here and I’d like a word with you. You see, I’ve been chatting with your star employee Andrew and they’ve been working 9 to 5 just as bu...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Author’s Note
• Contents
• MARY MASSACRE
• SEVEN YEAR ITCH