Muswell Hill

Torben Betts

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781849431378
• eBook ISBN: 9781849433211
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literatur
• Subtopic: Britisches Drama

One night in January 2010 and an earthquake in Haiti leaves around a hundred thousand people dead and almost two million homeless. Meanwhile, somewhere in a leafy North London suburb, a group of six individuals convene over avocado and prawns, followed by a monkfish stew. They struggle with worries over their mortgages, their mobile phone tariffs, their Facebook friends, their careers, their love lives, their diets, their alcohol intake, their holiday plans and whether or not any of them will be able to make any lasting impression on history.

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

JESS comes on carrying the empty starter bowls. She tidies up, puts things away.

Soon MAT on, also carrying stuff. He checks the second course, on the hob and in the oven. There is a tension between them as they work. Eventually:

JESS: Why are you being like this?

MAT: I like him.

JESS: You have to be joking!?

MAT: You can hardly blame him.

JESS: This is a nightmare situation.

MAT: She’s young, she’s gorgeous, she’s…

JESS: What am I going to tell Dad?

MAT: And he’ll be drawing his old-age pension soon…

JESS: I need your support with this.

MAT: And so now he’ll have someone to look after him as he grows old…

JESS: I really need your support, please.

MAT: …withers…

JESS: Mat?

MAT: …and eventually dies.

She sorts dishes out.

So when he’s eighty and losing his marbles she’ll still be beautiful and only, what, forty-three…

JESS: Are you listening to me?

MAT checks something on his smart phone.

MAT: So how many times have you copulated with this salt-of-the-earth tradesman then?

JESS: We’ll talk about this afterwards.

MAT: And are you in love with him?

JESS: I’m really not discussing this now.

JESS: wearing oven gloves, leaves for the dining room, carrying a large casserole.

MAT goes over to the laptop and sits. Hits a few keys.

LAPTOP: ‘…resulting in a total breakdown of law and order. Looting has become widespread and armed gangs are now roaming the streets, shooting at will. A makeshift army is being mobilised because there is nothing here even resembling a police force. The need for security and the establishment of law and order seem…’

He hits a key and stops the report.

We hear a burst of loud laughter from the dining room. KAREN possesses an unusually loud and striking laugh.

Then JESS on with more dirty crockery. She is followed by TONY also carrying plates.

TONY: That friend of yours has verbal diarrhoea…

JESS: She does a bit, yes.

TONY: I actually meant the dude.

JESS: Just put those anywhere, thanks.

He moves behind her and puts the crockery down.

TONY: I am a fan of both the avocado and the prawn.

JESS: I’m so pleased.

He watches her as she works. Nobody speaks.

TONY: An exceedingly tasty thousand island dressing.

MAT: She makes her own.

TONY: Does she?

MAT: From mayonnaise and tomato ketchup.

TONY: Well, that’s…what can I say?

MAT: And lemon juice.

TONY: Lemon juice too?

MAT: Isn’t that right?

JESS: Sorry?

MAT: You put lemon juice in the dressing?

JESS: Lemon juice?

MAT: Do you put lemon juice in the thousand island dressing?

JESS: I do, yes.

MAT: There you are.

TONY: You were right.

MAT: I was right.

JESS: Excuse me, please. I need to take this through.

She goes back to the dining room.

MAT: Don’t worry.

MAT types on.

TONY: Do you think I should just exit pursued by a bear? I mean, I really don’t want to cause any…

MAT: It’ll be fine…

MAT continues to type. A silence.

TONY: So…you’re a Gooner then?

MAT: Was there on Saturday actually. Freezing my nuts off.

TONY: At the Emirates?

MAT: My wife kindly treats me to a season ticket every year.

TONY: Lucky you.

MAT: Birthday present.

TONY: I’m a United man myself.

MAT: Well, it’s between you and Chelsea again.

TONY pours himself some wine. In each subsequent scene he becomes progressively more drunk.

TONY: As I say, my main problem in this life, twixt thee and me, is that I’m surrounded by all this magnificent totty all day long. All wanting to be famous, all wanting to be somebody. All competing for my attention. And they seem to see me as the man who’s going to help them. Who’s going to open up the world to them. It’s really quite hard to resist. I actually made an effort to stop indulging a while back because, well, it’s never free, is it, and I was starting to find all the aggravation afterwards a bit…well, aggravating. But then you get to know them and then you fall for them a bit and they sort of represent a future you can never have, a life you can never know. Or hold. It’s bloody murder really. But, you see, my wife’s getting to be so… Belinda used to be quite a looker but now all she does is sit about the house, badgering our daughters to start breeding and, for God’s sake, I’m not ready for all of that yet. I want to live. To keep tasting life. But the thing with Annie, what’s happened with Annie and me is just ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Dedication page
• Epigraph page
• Characters
• Contents
• Act One
• Act Two