Animals

Emma Adams

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781783198801
• eBook ISBN: 9781783198818
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'I want shocks! I've heard they are fun and a lot of blood rushes to your head.' 77-year-old Norma is having a tricky day. She can't finish the crossword and Joy keeps stealing her recliner. Not to mention Helen next door has twisted her ankle falling from a weather balloon, they've run out of Class A drugs and the Utility Inspector just popped round to see if it's time for her involuntary euthanasia... Animals is a wicked satire set in a world where everyone over 60 is tossed on the scrapheap, children are hothoused, and being a 'burden on society' is the ultimate crime.

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 – LIVING ROOM – LUNCH TIME

NORMA slumps down-hearted in her recliner.

JOY: We need a plan. Oh we do. We need one now. Norma? Have you thought of anything yet because it’s twelve thirty already and Daddy could be here any second. Any second now.

NORMA: But the child says he’s honest and keen and I can’t see how we’ll / bribe him.

JOY: Bribe him. But there is always a plan. Where has my Norma gone? We just need a plan

NORMA: A plan she says… Will you tell me the truth?

JOY: You can trust me.

NORMA: You lie about sitting in my chair.

JOY: But never about anything else, you have my word.

NORMA: Could I pass for 37? Joy? Tell me… The truth please.

JOY: No.

NORMA pulls the elastic back up onto her face.

NORMA: Now?

JOY: No. Of course not. You’re 77. How could you?

NORMA: There. I told you. I knew it. I’m finished.

JOY: But you could pass for late fifties. With a bit of make-up and that band nice and tight /

NORMA: Only, I put down 37 on the estimate…

JOY: You didn’t? Oh my God you did. You did! Oh why?

NORMA: You were out collecting treasure and Mr Brown came round. You remember when he bypassed the water meter for us, in return for a leg of ham? I was feeling optimistic. I thought, I feel 37, so I’ll put down 37. Why not? Inspector Stevens will see me right and /

JOY: 59 maybe. At a push, but never 37. Never, ever, 37. /

NORMA: But 59 is too close to 60. Its all down hill from there. /

JOY: That’s not nice. 59 is not 60. It’s not… 59 is 59.

NORMA: I do not want her Daddy to come here.

JOY gently puts her hand over NORMA’s.

JOY: I know love. But Norma? I think we must now prepare for the worst. Because Maya’s Daddy’s is coming. And when he sees you, I do think he will realise you’re not really 37.

NORMA: If he makes me do a reading I won’t pass. I wont.

JOY: No. You will if… if… Wait! I’ve got two paracetamol saved for a moment like this. If we can just get you some amphetamine to go with them, nothing will stop you.

NORMA: No one has seen any Billy for months.

JOY: Wrong. I happen to know that Helen has some very nice speed in her kitchen drawer.

NORMA: Helen?

JOY: She’s connected now. Mr Brown is very good to her. He sorts her out.

NORMA: Helen is really in with Mr Brown? I thought it was just wishful thinking.

JOY: She’s a good deal more than simply ‘in’ with him.

NORMA: No!

JOY: That’s the word on the Vine.

NORMA: That’s why she always looks so bloody perky and smug.

JOY: She’s a nice person Norma. She’s kind. Mr Brown says she brings out the good in him.

NORMA: How can it be right. She has some fancy man and I lose Graham? I miss him. Every day. Silly, brave, bloody fool. Going out to see if he could help. I said ‘sandbags aren’t going to help now Graham’… Would he listen?

JOY: But your friends love you Norma. So don’t you go giving up on me now. I’m going to get you that speed and if we can get that up your nose, you’ll fly through the tests.

NORMA: Do you really think so?

JOY: I know so. So sit up and start doing your face. I’ll be back in a tick. You’re going to be alright.

JOY scurries into the Kitchen and is gone.

SCENE 2 – GARDEN – LUNCH TIME

HELEN is still on the ground, groaning, holding onto MAYA’s balloon. The SOUND of footsteps.

HELEN: Maya. That was quick.

But MAYA does not appear. NOAH does. Out of breath. Waving his red permit pad about, triumphant.

NOAH: Happy now?

HELEN: Please listen. You’ve made a mistake… A friend of mine has just gone to collect my amber permit. If you’ll just wait one moment, please? I can prove I’m not Norma.

NOAH starts scribbling onto his red permit pad.

NOAH: Sadly, once a red permit starts being filled in, the process can’t be stopped.

NOAH finishes writing, gives HELEN the paperwork then starts filling a syringe as he continues with his patter.

NOAH: (Cont’d.) Your clearance package today will be the standard deal. Unless you’d like to upgrade? For £10 extra you can receive some religious words and a shot of pain relief before I inject the air. Could I interest you in some religious solace and pain relief today?

HELEN: What do you mean by ‘religious solace’?

NOAH: I usually stick to C of E.

HELEN: But you have other options?

NOAH: Well yes… But. You want the list don’t you? Fine. We can accommodate Roman Catholic, Anglican, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Coptic, Anabaptist, Adventist, Methodist, Lutheran and Congregationalist Christians. Or for those of a Buddhist persuasion we do Mahayana, Theravada or Vajrayana endings… If you’re a Jainist I can do you too. For any Muslims I do Sunni, Shia, Sufi, Ahmadiyya and Kharijiyyah texts. I can also cater for Narnkaris, Nam-Dharis, ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two