On the Exhale

Martín Zimmerman

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781786826206
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Violence in Society
• Index: Social Sciences

'Like a child, a weapon won't be satisfied until it dominates your every thought.' After a devastating school shooting, a woman develops an obsession with assault rifles that begins to take over every aspect of her existence. Martín Zimmerman's 'startlingly original' (New York Times) play is a compulsive and visceral examination of American gun violence.

You always imagined it happening to you.

Some young student

always male

in your cramped basement office

twitching with anger

fear

about not getting into med school

law school

or the like

about mountains of debt swallowing his stillborn future

and all because of you.

Because you dared make him look outside himself

see past his narrow experience

to the inherent difficulties that come with not being male

because no

you wouldn’t consider changing his grade

but most of all

because you dared challenge him…

Entitlement mixes with adrenaline

with fear

with testosterone

you smell the incendiary cocktail

wafting off him

while his leg twitches wildly…

Until he lifts the edge of his shirt

a simple, subtle gesture

graceful even

he flips up the bottom corner of his tasteful green button-down

and there it is.

Obediently waiting in its holster.

Eyeing you with its obsidian stare.

You slowly raise your hands

Why?

Instinct, probably?

You’ve seen it a hundred times in movies

this is the way you survive when someone pulls a gun, right?

you slowly lift your empty arms

the international symbol of plaintive innocence

never mind that this young man isn’t a cop

and even if he were

raising your hands

is far from a guarantee of survival

Still

your hands ascend

weightless

while words

tumble out

heavy

and insubstantial

at once

they’re all that stand between you

and this man

his gun

its obsidian stare

maybe you’re right

maybe there’s something to your point of view

maybe we can take another look at your final grade–

That’s when you feel it.

Warmth.

Takes a moment to register it’s your own.

That you’re in shock.

That you never heard the shot.

Never saw the muzzle flash a few inches from your face.

The warmth continues spreading down your face

trickles into your mouth

and when that first taste of iron hits your tongue

– pure rust invading your mouth –

all your sensation floods back.

Burning

stabbing

throbbing

as he blasts

and blasts

away

as life

slowly slips

from

your

grasp…

And then you wake up.

(Breath.)

The first time you have this dream

is the time you ask a student

a male student

to kindly consider the premise that there just might be some small disadvantage to being a woman

– it’s a women’s studies course after all –

and to try to incorporate such a perspective into his paper revision.

What you get back is no revision at all

but the original paper covered in post-it notes

full of borderline violent screeds about your ‘insidious propaganda’

the college’s ‘inhumane curriculum requirements’

and your ‘appalling vendetta’– three underlines – against men.

This is the first time you entertain the possibility that it might not be someone else on the news next time.

That next time it just might be you.

This is when you start locking your office door

even during office hours

especially during office hours

and post a cute hand-written sign urging students to ‘please do knock!’

you do it under the excuse of needing to concentrate on your research

but what distraction could there possibly be at the end of a lonely basement hall?

and every time you open the door

you hope your students won’t notice how you pause just a bit

to see if you can catch a glimpse of anything through the cracked door

see anything shining

before you open wide

with a smile

invite them in

blame your slowness on your age

and the heavy door

oh this heavy door, you say with a chuckle

After a few semesters the young man in question

– in your head you call him The Catalyst –

he graduates

magna cum of course

and your panic starts to subside

the dreams recur less frequently

but recur nonetheless

so you still

you remain vigilant.

Each new class you identify a most likely candidate

just a minor mental checkmark

and maybe you...