ACT TWO
We return to the theatre and it is time for curtain up on âWhat You Willâ. The bottom of the tabs glow provocatively.
GRANDMA
Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for our greatest living Shakespearean (although he has always steered clear of Hamlet, nervous that the critics might think he wasnât half the man his mother had been!)
My favourite play by Shakespeare is As You Lick It. And letâs face it who doesnât like to lick it, or occasionally I like to flick it particularly when I am Taming my Shrew. But I do draw the line at anything entering my Coriolanus â
PEREGRINE enters to avoid further embarrassment.
PEREGRINE
I give you The one and only Melchior Hazard who is joined this evening by⊠the Lucky Chances!
The curtain rises.
MELCHIOR
âAll the worldâs a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They all have their entrances and exits,
And each man in his time plays many parts.â
WHAT YOU WILL â GIRLS WILL BE BOYS
SHOW NORA and SHOW DORA are revealed looking dapper and sexy in Shakespearean mensâ clothingâŠ
Whilst weâve never had a problem
Understanding Willy
His cross-dressing habit was simply overkill â He
Dipped his quill in all he fancied
Hose, or ruff, or frill â
Was he being transâaâcurious
Or simply
What You Will?
Chorus
Girls will be Boys when they want their own way
Men take pride as if theyâre protĂ©gĂ©
Then thereâs a sudden realisation at the end of the play
That weâre all a bit distracted by the choice of passageway!
In 1599 was this really so risqué?
Or simply an excuse to try on cute lingerie
Or maybe Shaky fancied something more like Cabaret
Girls will be Boys when they want their own way
Weâve never had an issue
Understanding young Viola
She would have sold her brother for a life boat shaped gondola
When she swapped her skirt for trousers
She became the âboyâ men like
The one that says he never would
But looks as though he might!
There was never a struggle
Understanding Portia
She dressed up as a lawyer to get her way in court-A
A lofty attitude she showed
To poor Bassanio
She says her virtueâs still intact
Though she like to go commando
CHORUS
Girls will be Boys when they want their own way
Men take pride as if theyâre their protege
Then thereâs sudden realisation at the end of the play
That weâre all a bit distracted by the choice of passageway!
It really doesnât matter
to us who you think you are
If you like a cigarillo or a big cigar
The one thing we feel certain of
As Grandma always said
Itâs always come in handy
and has stood us in good stead
So if you hadnât realised
By now you should have guessed
That when it comes to being us.....
They strip to their fabulous undies!
Breast is always best!
She has sharp teeth, within her mouth
Inside her dark red lips
And polish bright hides the sharpened claws
In her fingertips
And as she conceals her power
All your strength is now on view
You think you are possessing her
But she has got her teeth in you
In you
There follows a big sexy dance break which is interrupted by MELCHIOR, dressed as Shakespeare.
MELCHIOR
Thank you, my Dears.
He stops the music and gestures for the girls to go to the back.
Saskia! Imogen!
His beloved children arrive on stage.
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have the privilege and honour to present to you, my family â my beloved Darling Buds of May and my muse and wife, Lady Atalanta Hazard!
As a finale, LADY ATALANTA appears dressed as Good Queen Bess. Shakespeare kisses her full on the mouth. The LUCKY CHANCES have faded into the background and have been returned to their rightful place in the CHORUS. What You Will is a huge success! On the final beat of the number, MELCHIOR turns into OLD MELCHIOR.
OLD MELCHIOR
Ladi...