ACT TWO
The CHAIRMAN strolls out in front of the curtain.
CHAIRMAN: ’Ello again. Nice interval? Right, where were we? Bit of a whirlwind first half, shall we have a recap?
Nancy Astley! Shy little oyster girl goes to the music hall, falls in love with male impersonator Kitty Butler, gets job as Kitty’s dresser, Kitty tells her she’s moving to London, would you like to come with me? Would I ever! Train to London, all the noises? Kitty’s no big deal in the big smoke, Nancy puts on a pair of trousers – boom, she’s a brilliant girl-boy, let’s do a double act. Double act takes the town, couldn’t be better except Nancy’s still unrequited. Slap! I’m in love with you! I’m in love with you too! – flying sex, beautiful – everything rosy till Nancy comes back from Christmas and Walter’s taken her side of the bed. Runs away in horror, ends up in shitty Smithfield – singing meat, remember? – soldier suit, rent boy – musical cocks – then bag on head, kidnap, rich lady, swinging from the chandelier and I think that’s pretty much where we left her, isn’t it?
And what now – Did she get the part, you’re wondering, as Diana Lethaby’s kept lover? Oh yeah, she got it alright. And the appetite on this woman, you wouldn’t believe it. Not that our Nan don’t give her a run for her money, she don’t mind singing for her supper, breakfast, lunch and tea if there’s this much fun in the toybox, if there’s this many roles to play…
NANCY performs a quick-change routine for DIANA, transforming herself into a number of different male characters and attending to DIANA’s every whim.
At the end of the act, DIANA kisses NANCY and leaves. NANCY changes into an expensive silk bathrobe and reclines on a chaise.
BLAKE, a young housemaid, comes in with coffee and a sumptuous breakfast on a tray.
NANCY: Morning.
BLAKE: Morning, miss.
NANCY: Is it still morning?
BLAKE: No, it’s the afternoon miss.
NANCY: Already? Where is she?
BLAKE: Mrs Lethaby’s out making calls, miss.
NANCY: Amazed she’s got the energy. I don’t think we slept at all last night.
BLAKE: Coffee, miss?
NANCY: God, yes.
BLAKE pours a cup for NANCY.
Thank you. Ooh, hot.
BLAKE: Blow on it for you?
NANCY laughs.
NANCY: No. Thank you, I can do it.
BLAKE goes around with a basket, picking up discarded clothing and underwear.
Quiet without her, isn’t it?
Cigarette?
BLAKE: No miss. They’re funny ones, those.
NANCY: They’re very nice, have you tried one?
BLAKE: No.
NANCY: Even when she’s out?
BLAKE: No, miss. I don’t think the mistress would like it miss.
BLAKE picks up an object – clearly a strap-on leather dildo – to put into the basket.
NANCY: Oh Blake I don’t mean you to
BLAKE: S’alright miss.
NANCY: No, really – just leave it, I’ll
BLAKE hangs the strap-on over the back of a chair.
Thank you.
BLAKE sits down in front of NANCY, takes one of NANCY’s hands and rubs hand-cream into it.
NANCY: It’s quite a toybox she’s got there.
I’m actually a bit sore. Is that shocking?
BLAKE: Not for me to say, miss.
NANCY: That smells nice. All the perfumes of Arabia.
BLAKE: Other hand?
NANCY: You know there’s parts of me I never knew existed that start fizzing soon as she comes in. Soon as I hear her feet on the stairs, I go to liquid.
BLAKE: Sounds very nice, miss.
NANCY: Where shall I be when she comes in? Lounging like this?
NANCY moves to the window and leans on the frame looking into the room.
Or this? Which do you think is best? Maybe looking out, like this?
BLAKE looks towards the door, listening.
BLAKE: That’s Mrs Lethaby back, miss.
NANCY: Pass me the cane.
BLAKE hands NANCY a cane, and NANCY stands leaning on it, regarding herself in the mirror.
DIANA comes in, a large box in her hands. NANCY turns around slowly.
DIANA: Isn’t my tart a handsome brute, Blake?
BLAKE: Yes, ma’am.
DIANA comes over to NANCY and kisses her, putting a hand inside the bathrobe.
DIANA: Did you bathe?
NANCY: For an hour. I smell delicious.
DIANA: This is for you.
NANCY: Wh...