Dark Tourism

Daniel Dingsdale

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781783199914
• eBook ISBN: 9781783199921
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

When a radio DJ overshares his sexual exploits on air, children's television presenter Becky Watson's life tumbles into a media storm. PR guru Richard Powell steps in to diffuse the situation, but he's already dealing with a fame-hungry reality star, struggling actress and aggressive tabloid journalist. Can he spin any publicity into good publicity? Dark Tourism asks the question how far will we go for fame and reputation, and how much of what we see in the media is actually the truth… A biting cultural satire on media cynicism and the world of celebrity where you can go from nothing to everything and back again in the space of a YouTube video.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

Black. In the darkness: ‘Baby You Can Drive My Car’, The Hot Rats.

The voices of comedians MILTON ROSE and ROBERT TORN can be heard on their radio show. As the broadcast continues MILTON and ROBERT become visible. MILTON; stylish, exuberant and in love with language. ROBERT; more earthy and deliberate.

MILT: ‘Beep beep, beep beep yeah.’

ROB: The Hot Rats.

MILT: One of the finer covers.

ROB: If you’re going to copy –

MILT: You copy the best.

ROB: Was that last bit a bit too much?

MILT: What, the ‘wiggly stick’? I liked it.

ROB: Me too but –

MILT: Bit too unconventional?

ROB: We are an unconventional pair.

MILT: Could not be more right Robert. We are the Freddy Mercury and Freddy Kruger of the airwaves.

ROB: That is what I’ve always imagined our relationship to be.

MILT: But who is who Robert? Which Freddy is which man?

ROB: It’s a conundrum.

MILT: A challenge is what it is listeners. We’ll have a little vote on the website. Get yourself online, with whatever device you fancy, and vote on who’s who. Which of us is the moustachioed rock legend and who is the professional dream-botherer with the pointy fingers? Results at the end of the show.

ROB: Half-term this week.

MILT: Yes it is.

ROB: What will you be doing in yours?

MILT: Well I’m a quiet mouse Robert.

ROB: A regular mole man.

MILT: Just me and my television Robert. Half-term used to be for me, run down the stairs as soon as I wake up, to catch those precious few hours of kids TV. Now I’m a big grown up there’s whole channels devoted to it, and they go all day and all night.

ROB: And they can keep both children and adults alike entertained.

MILT: Too true. I like a good bit of cooking myself.

ROB: Baking?

MILT: Baking Robert, baking yes! And that is why I am a fan of Ms Rebecca Watson and her ‘Sticky Fingers’.

ROB: ‘Baking/with Becky!’

MILT: ‘With Becky!’

ROB: Fun show. I’m a great appreciator of the works of Becky Watson.

MILT: Her works both creative and physical… she’s great.

ROB: What are you alluding to?

MILT: What’s, am I? Nah.

ROB: What are you hinting at?

Milton: What am I hinting at?

ROB: You know what you did.

MILT: How’s that a hint? That’s not even a hint./ Now

ROB: He fucked her in the arse!

MILT: No! No Robert.

ROB: I’m sorry/ I

MILT: I can’t have that going out onto the radio waves.

ROB: It was in my head ’cause you mentioned her and I can’t think of anything else./ I apologise.

MILT: Robert! You wait, you wait until you have any delicate relations with a lady. No it is untrue and spurious. And I’m furious. I did not love Becky Watson in the bum. I did not meet her at Rouge cabaret bar, take her to my home in the small wee hours of the morning and I certainly did not see the pixie tattoo/ she has on her

ROB: You don’t know that how/ can you know that?

MILT: Oh God too much information, I’ve revealed too much, it’s a disaster! Roll back, roll back! Pull the cord! Pull the string!

ROB: We apologise.

MILT: Oh Robert!

ROB: Why did you bring her up? I’d forgot.

MILT: What/ is wrong with you

ROB: You were talking about – you mentioned her and I can’t be trusted to keep that quiet. It’s too much pressure, got to let out.

MILT: I can’t blame you. I know you’re just here doing your best.

ROB: How can I carry that information in my head, too much /pressure

MILT: It’s too much/ for you.

ROB: Far too/ much.

MILT: But why in such a crass eruption of filth! ’Tis filth/ Robbie

ROB: T’was filth upon my part.

MILT: We have to move on.

ROB: What if she’s listening?

MILT: Oh god, to this slander! This besmirching of her good name over an erotic dalliance!

ROB: Which might not have even happened.

MILT: Which never happened. I wasn’t even there. I don’t know where I was but I wasn’t there.

ROB: Well it’s just a joke. If you’re listening Ms Rebecca Watson and all the other listeners on these airwaves it’s just/ a joke really.

MILT: Just/ a little joke.

ROB: I don’t know if there’s any truth in it/ it’s just a joke.

MILT: No there’s no /truth in it’s just

ROB: Milton told me to say it.

MILT: a joke that we have done – I didn’t tell him to say it, that’s not true, but aside from that, the rest is true and the bit we just said was /false.

ROB: Well it might be true/ but

MILT: No it’s not/ true!

ROB: Yeah /alright.

MILT: No the truth, right, the truth is: I am going to marry, that’s right marry, Becky Watson.

ROB: Yes!

MILT: We’ll have a CBBC-themed wedding. Becky will obviously bake the cake with her ‘sticky fingers’, Tinky Winky will be best man, the Why Bird’s coming/

ROB: Legend.

MILT: and Mr Tumble will sign /the ceremony.

ROB: What are you doing, you’ve ruined it.

MILT: No no I’ve made it better, it’s better. Move on now. Something else.

ROB: Does she really have sticky fingers?

MILT: She did after – No! I must apologise to ‘Becky Bumlove’. For the bum love.

A breakdown into laughter from those present in the studio.

ROB: Becky Bumlove, yes! / Becky Bumlove.

MILT: Oh my god. I’ve trivialised it now. No it’s cute it’s/ endearment.

ROB: I think Becky Bumlove makes it/ trivial.

MILT: It’s endearment! Stop it.

ROB: Look at Terry behind the glass!

MILT: Sorry Terry, we’re giving our producer an aneurism.

ROB: Terry, Terry, if anything I don’t t...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Cast
• Note from the Playwright
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two