The Realistic Joneses

Will Eno

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9781783191178
• eBook ISBN: 9781783196166
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

In The Realistic Joneses, we meet Bob and Jennifer and their new neighbours, John and Pony, two suburban couples who have even more in common thantheir identical homes and their shared last names. As their relationships begin to irrevocably intertwine, the Joneses must decide between their idyllic fantasies and their imperfect realities. This contemporary comedy explores how our joys and sorrows - and how we choose to face them - can come to define our lives.

SCENE 1

PORCH and BACKYARD of JENNIFER and BOB’s modest house, late spring, late night. Silhouette of mountains in the background. JENNIFER and BOB are seated at a picnic table, drinking water and tea. BOB looks as if he’s trying to remember something. All is calm. An owl hoots, in the distance.

JENNIFER: I love that sound. (Brief pause.) When was the last time we painted the house?

BOB: I don’t know. It’s probably years.

JENNIFER: Maybe we should do it over the summer.

BOB: Then wouldn’t we just have to do it again?

JENNIFER: Isn’t that what people do?

BOB: I guess.

JENNIFER: It’s not some crazy theory. People paint their houses.

BOB: So then we’ll paint the house.

JENNIFER: I think that’d be good. (Brief pause.) It’s going to be okay.

BOB: No, I know.

JENNIFER: You don’t act like it. (Brief pause.) It’s such a pretty night. It’s so quiet. You can almost hear the clouds go by.

BOB: Almost. (Brief pause.) Remember the night I was, um – (He feels a small sharp pain.) auughh. (He makes a quick adjustment to the way he’s sitting.) That’s better.

JENNIFER: Are you okay?

BOB: I was just sitting funny.

JENNIFER: I didn’t think it was funny. (BOB smiles. He glances at his watch. Brief pause.) What night? Remember which night?

BOB: Oh, right. (He tries to remember.) Nope. Totally gone.

JENNIFER: Clouds, beautiful nights?

BOB: Yeah, I know. (Tries again.) Yeah, sorry. All gone.

JENNIFER: You’ve been doing that.

BOB: There hasn’t been a lot of memorable stuff going on.

JENNIFER: Oh, is that it?

BOB: (He takes a sip of water.) This glass tastes terrible.

JENNIFER: It’s been sitting. (Pause.) Do you want to talk?

BOB: What was just the whole thing about painting the house? And the other night about Belgium?

JENNIFER: That was two very short conversations. I don’t have some particular, I’m not…it just seems like we don’t talk.

BOB: What are we doing right now? Math?

JENNIFER: No, we’re – I don’t know – sort of throwing words at each other.

BOB: What? Come on, throwing… I thought we were just sitting here. But, fine, let’s talk.

JENNIFER: Good. (Brief pause.) What’s the thing you’re most, or just, what’s your biggest fear?

BOB: My biggest? Like I have so many, they have to be ranked?

JENNIFER: I’m asking if there’s something you’re worried about.

BOB: (Sharply.) I was just sitting here, you know, and now we’re suddenly getting –

JENNIFER: (Interrupting.) We’re not suddenly anything. It’s fine, we can just sit. (Gently.) It really is a beautiful night. It’s like that night when we – (She is interrupted by the crash of metal garbage cans, offstage.) What was that?

BOB: Skunk. Maybe a raccoon.

JENNIFER: Should we look?

BOB: Yeah, but wait. (They both listen.)

JENNIFER: (A shared but very subtle moment of excitement. She puts her hand on his. Quietly.) The unknown.

BOB: (Agreeing quietly.) I know.

JOHN: (Some muffled off-stage voices. JOHN enters, finishing a conversation with PONY. He’s holding a wrapped bottle of wine.) …but, yeah, it was definitely much more powerful when I was a kid. (To JENNIFER and BOB.) Hey, hi. Sorry. We heard you talking back here.

PONY: Very softly.

JOHN: Yeah. Sorry about the, um – that was your garbage cans. They almost had me. We just wanted to say hi. We brought you a little – well, I think it’s obvious.

JENNIFER: Wow, thank you. Hi.

PONY: Hi. We’re Pony and John. You must be the Joneses. It’s on your mailbox. We’re Joneses, too. We’re renting the house at the end of the road with the blue shutters and the –

JOHN: (Interrupting.) It’s like two-hundred feet from here. It’s right over there.

BOB: Sure, we know that house. Someone else used to live there.

JOHN: Wow. Who knew the place had such an interesting history.

PONY: Look at these salt and pepper shakers. Cute.

BOB: (Picking one up.) These were made at a factory.

JENNIFER: Bob is filled with fun facts like that. (To PONY and JOHN.) Can you sit down?

JOHN: I practically invented sitting down.

PONY: (PONY and JOHN sit.) It’s so nice here. Our old town was built right on top of this huge leak of dry-cleaning chemicals.

JOHN: The leak happened later. I don’t think they built the town on top of the leak.

PONY: Well, whichever – I think I was allergic. I’m just glad we’re gone.

JENNIFER: How’d you end up deciding on here?

PONY: I always wanted to live in one of these little towns near the mountains. So, one night, he comes home and literally just says, literally… I forget what you said exact...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Characters
• The Realistic Joneses