Before I Was A Bear

Eleanor Tindall

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9781786829245
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Sciences sociales
• Subtopic: Sociologie

On a rainy Wednesday evening, Cally sits at her local pub waiting for her best friend. She notices someone in the corner. She recognises them. It's her celebrity crush. It can't be them though, can it? It isn't. This doesn't happen. She won't go over. She won't... A darkly comedic coming-of-age solo play, Before I Was A Bear is a modern myth about the power dynamics of sexuality and shame, women's relationships with each other, and an affair with a hot TV detective.

‘On a Mission’ by Katy B plays.

CALLY dances. It’s joyful and a bit erratic. After a while she gets out of breath. The music stops. She stands and gets her breath back.

I know what you’re thinking.

That expression, I’ve seen it before

I’ve seen it a million times before, I’m used to it

You’re not the first person to look at me like that and

you’re definitely not going to be the last

Beat.

I think you should know though, first things first,
before I start

That I wasn’t always like this actually

I used to be Normal

I know what you’re gonna say, ‘What’s normal’, yeah
well wait a second, because I mean normal as in I
didn’t use to have fur or sharp teeth or claws or huge
heavy monstrous feet,
obviously

As in I was not a fucking bear, obviously

I’m Cally

And I used to be like you

I used to wear jeans and trainers
and bras, sometimes

I used to drink beer and wine and glens vodka mixed
with Tesco brand energy drinks

I used to buy lettuce with good intentions only for it to
turn black and make the whole kitchen smell

I used to hurt people by accident and I used to hurt
people on purpose

People used to hurt me by accident and people used to
hurt me on purpose

I used to laugh until I almost split into pieces and I
used to get pissed off and piss people off, did that a lot,

I used to post dumb shit on Twitter and Instagram and
wait for the likes and the retweets and I used to stay up
all night talking my mouth off and arguing about stuff I
didn’t know enough about

I used to kiss people who I really wanted to kiss and

I used to kiss people who I really did not want to kiss
and I used to cry on night buses and I used to cry in

Ubers and I used to cry on the Victoria line and the

Bakerloo line and the Jubilee line and the Piccadilly
line and the Hammersmith and City line and the

Central line, mostly the Central line, basically every
line though apart from the Waterloo and City line
because who actually uses that

I used to have panic attacks in lifts and I used to throw
up on the street

I used to be so happy I felt like the edges of my body
were made of cotton wool

I used to be so sad I felt like I was at the bottom of a
well with no way up

I used to have sex

I used to have a lot of sex

I used to have sex with men and women and women
and men and both at the same time though I wouldn’t
recommend that, nice in theory but in practice a bit
too much, I found it a bit too much, a bit too much to
concentrate on, each to their own though

I used to not have sex

At all

With anyone

For months

I used to be like you, before

So if you wait for a second

If you just wait, and you listen

Open your ears and listen

Open your eyes and listen

You need a lot of listening space because my voice is
bountiful and heavy and full

You need a lot of empty space in your ears ready

I know what you’re thinking

Just listen

A change.

Parents didn’t like me much when I was a kid

Other people’s parents, though also my own to be
honest

I was really obnoxious and said what I thought without
a care for anyone else and had a compulsion to break
every rule put on me

I had this mate called Remy, she’s at my house one
day and we’re playing with Beanie Babies and I’m
bored cos I fucking hate Beanie Babies so I decide to
root though my parents’ stuff instead

Remy’s like: ‘Don’t, we’ll get in trouble, what about
the Beanie Babies???’

I find this book and I open it and it’s filled with
pictures of people contorted into weird positions and
titles like

The Cat, Doggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl

I laugh cos it’s funny and I show Remy and she laughs
too but then she tells her mum and they don’t let her
come over anymore and from then on I’m known as

‘A Bad Influence’
which I’m actually quite proud of

My brother Leo who’s barely a year older than me
and the worst person in the world has all these almost-
naked posters of Holly Valance and Beyoncé and JLo
up on his wall

I remember I’d stare at their smooth stomachs and
shiny thighs and it’d make me feel something that I
couldn’t name

I go past his room one day, I’m nine

I can hear these noises coming from inside so I open
his door and see him and his mates crowded around
the TV watching something

CALLY watches her brother and his friends watch the TV.

Everyone on the TV is naked

Everyone is so naked I’ve never seen anyone as naked
in my life

I remember thinking that I for sure could never be
that naked

My body feels h...