The Ice Cream Boys

Gail Louw

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN: 9781786829405
• eBook ISBN: 9781786829399
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Politics & International Relations
• Subtopic: Politics
• Index: Politics & International Relations

There are some enemies you'd wait a lifetime to see face-to-face. Charismatic, corrupt and dangerous, Jacob Zuma was until recently President of South Africa. But before Zuma came to power, Ronnie Kasrils masterminded the intelligence services. Now at last they're alone together. When you've been betrayed, it's never too late to settle old scores.

The setting is an expensive hospital. The stage is set in an area between private patients’ rooms. There is tea and coffee in the room and chairs for patients or visitors to sit on. There are some games and newspapers including a game of chess that has been set out.

ZUMA enters from his room which is off-stage. He is angry.

ZUMA: Caw, caw. Anybody home?

Where is everybody!

Hello! Nurse! Anyone!

NURSE enters quickly.

THANDI: Mr Zuma, Mr President, hello, I’m Thandi Dube, I’m your nurse, well one of them. Not your main nurse, but I’ve been also assigned to you

ZUMA: Good. Well I want to

THANDI: and just one other.

ZUMA: One other? What one other?

THANDI: One other patient.

ZUMA: Which one?

THANDI: The patient opposite you.

ZUMA: Kasrils!

THANDI: Yes. You see it’s efficient because I can just go from one to

ZUMA: That is the problem.

THANDI: Sorry, what’s the

ZUMA: Him. Opposite me.

THANDI: But he’s, it’s a private room, he’s not really

ZUMA: I can still see him. What I want is for you to do me a little favour.

THANDI: A favour?

ZUMA: Yes, move Mr Kasrils into another room.

THANDI: But

ZUMA: No But. Just find a room further away, far away from here, from me. And move him.

THANDI: But Mr Zuma sir, I can’t do that.

ZUMA: For me, your President, you can’t do something little like that?

THANDI: But there is nowhere else, Mr. President. All the rooms are full.

ZUMA: Then I must move!

THANDI: But there is nowhere. If I could…honestly.

ZUMA: There is never nowhere. There is never nohow.

THANDI: But

ZUMA: Everything is possible. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m sure you learnt that at your mother’s knee.

THANDI: Every room is full. Tomorrow. You’ll be able to move tomorrow.

ZUMA: Tomorrow is no good. It must be today. Now!

THANDI: I’m so sorry, sir.

ZUMA: My daughter, let me explain. If you were in your bed, and you saw a black mamba crawling around the floor, would you turn over and go to sleep

THANDI: Ha, ha, Mr

ZUMA: or would you kill it?

THANDI: But… Mr Kasrils

ZUMA: A snake, Thandi. A vicious, dangerous snake. And what’s worse, he is a snake with a smile.

THANDI: No.

ZUMA: Yes, you think, he can’t be a bad man,

THANDI: He’s a very nice

ZUMA: smiling with his big wide smile. But as he smiles, he grabs you, and squeezes you, and strangles you, and kills you without batting an eyelid.

THANDI: I can’t believe that, sir.

ZUMA: He’s a very dangerous man, Thandi.

THANDI: Surely not.

ZUMA: Do not underestimate him. Remember, he was the Minister of Intelligence, that means the nation’s spymaster. A Chief of Spies is not a nice man. The people he dealt with? Spies and agents. The lowest of the low. The most vicious. The ones who would kill you as much as look at you.

THANDI: But he seems so

ZUMA: That sort do. They learn to be charming. They practise till they can twist anybody round their fingers. Especially innocent young Zulu women. Beware! Dr No, Goldfinger, Blofeld. They have nothing on him. Remember, I’ve known him for a very long time.

KASRILS enters finishing the last bit of an ice cream lolly.

KASRILS: Is this man letting you in on his aliases, Nurse Thandi?

THANDI: No, no, I don’t think

KASRILS: Giving you a hard time?

THANDI: Thank you, Mr Kasrils. I must just

She exits.

ZUMA: Have you got something you want to say to me at long last, Kumalo?

KASRILS: Not what you want to hear, Baba.

Pause.

ZUMA: Why did my bodyguards not notice you right opposite me.

KASRILS: Maybe I was taking the sun on the balcony at the time. Your goons are slipping, aren’t they, Baba.

ZUMA: Perhaps you were hiding, Kumalo.

KASRILS: I don’t need to hide from you.

ZUMA: Maybe you were hiding because you know what my people do to traitors.

KASRILS: You mean, to those who stand in your way.

Pause.

ZUMA: Heh, heh, heh.

KASRILS: Ha, ha, ha.

ZUMA: Do you know what? It’s actually good to see you again.

KASRILS: It seems we’re neighbours again.

ZUMA: Yah!

KASRILS: But less fancy this time. No mansion in the government estate.

ZUMA: Tell me Kumalo, has the leopard changed his spots?

KASRILS: What leopard’s that, Baba?

ZUMA: Well, what’s a good communist like you doing in a private hospital.

KASRILS: It’s my medical aid scheme. Automatic for retired ministers, as you well know. I don’t see you in a state hospital.

ZUMA: Heh, heh. But I’m not claiming to be a good communist.

KASRILS: So why this one? There are others that would be far more in your league. This one isn’t quite your style, a tad beneath you, I’d say.

ZUMA: Convenience.

KASRILS: What were you complaining about?

ZUMA: I wasn’t complaining.

KASRILS: You said something about moving.

ZUMA: No. I’m fine.

KASRILS: Are you fine?

ZUMA: Fine, fine.

KASRILS: So why are you here?

ZUMA: I’ll be fine. What about you?

KASRILS: I’m OK.

ZUMA: You’re looking fat, mafuta. It’s all those ice-creams.

KASRILS: I’m eighty, Jacob. I’m allowed to look fat-ish.

ZUMA: You must be careful. You’ll get diabetes. Be like me, I cut out all my sugar.

KASRILS: Durban sand! White like sugar. You used to have five spoons in your tea!

ZUMA: Heh, heh.

KASRILS: No more ice-cream then?

ZUMA: Well, one has to live, ne?

KASRILS: You’re looking old, Baba.

ZUMA: No, not me!

KASRILS: All the stress, huh?

ZUMA: Stress! That’s a white man’s problem.

KASRILS: Well, you look as though you’ve passed your sell-by date.

ZUMA: No, Ndoda, this spear hasn’t got r...

Table of contents

• Front cover
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Characters
• Chapter 1