Lost Boys

Luke Barnes

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN: 9781786828323
• eBook ISBN: 9781786828088
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A humorous and heartfelt look into the lives of the youth of one northern new town, where the weight of identity, place, and masculinity threaten everything they've ever known.

LARDER

LARDER OK. Hello. Is any one there?

Hello.

Ok. Right. Great. Right. I’m gonna say some stuff. And… I guess… You can listen. If you want to. I’d appreciate it. And if not… Then… I dunno.

Er… Right where do I start. I am 18 years old. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly good-looking. I don’t particularly like anything. I don’t have many friends. I have a few but not loads. I’m not like an absolute gimp but I’m also like out at the weekend with girls. I have in the past felt isolated and inferior. I am working past that. This telling of these stories is me articulating how I am moving past that. These stories about people in my hometown that I love. I love this place. I love the buildings, and the nature, and the weirdness, and the perfectness, and the people, and the stories and the everything but I still feel… This. OK. Let’s start at the start.

This is my town. It’s in the North of England and it’s about a 40 minute drive away from the city and it’s 30 minutes in the train. The houses are new-build; popped up at some point during the latter half of the 20th century. In the middle of the town there is a shopping complex and in the shopping complex are all the high street brands you’ll ever need along with a cinema, some chain restaurants and if you turn your back on the concrete and you stand on top of the buildings or on a hill or anywhere high you can see the beauty of the nature that surrounds it. Never-ending fields. Hills. Trees. It’s beautiful. Around the town centre there are 20 pubs. One big Wetherspoon’s and one night club. There are takeaways and there are taxi ranks. It’s not rich but it’s not poor. It’s a very normal town. It’s just that it’s new. There is not much history. It’s the type of place that if you’re not from here you might think is shit but it’s not. There is everything here.

Everything you need to be happy. And people are happy here… Just because this play is about something very specific let’s not forget that people live here and live life and are just great. It’s ruled by people like this man walking down the street.

WAYNE What?

LARDER I’m just saying hello.

WAYNE Why?

LARDER Why not?

WAYNE Well why would you?

LARDER Where you going?

WAYNE Out.

LARDER Where to?

WAYNE Who are the fuck are you and why are you talking to me?

LARDER Just showing some people the town. Can I ask you a question?

WAYNE Fuck off.

LARDER He’s a lad. You can see it in his fake confidence but tonight we’re not just looking at the laddy lads we’re looking at everyone else that’s bearing the burden of masculinity without succeeding in being masculine. The weirdos, the drop outs, the disenfranchised men stomping around trying to be heard with no one listening. Except Dave. I’m including Dave’s story because we have a resonance. Sorry that’s wanky. There’s something like brings us together. Not like in a romantic way. Ah. It’ll make sense later on. When I met him. It changed my life forever.

DAVE

DAVE Thanks for meeting me.

LOIS It’s alright.

DAVE I didn’t think you’d come.

LOIS Why not?

DAVE I dunno.

LOIS It’s a laugh isn’t it.

DAVE Yeah I guess so. So you go on Tinder much?

LOIS Oh for fuck’s sake.

DAVE What?

LOIS I knew this would happen.

DAVE What would happen?

LOIS I knew that you’d just be shit.

DAVE What?

LOIS I could tell from ya bio you’d have no chat.

DAVE We haven’t even had a drink yet.

LOIS I knew I should chat to people first before agreeing dates.

DAVE I was being bold.

LOIS And you’ve lied about being ripped.

DAVE How can you lie about being ripped you saw my photos?

LOIS I dunno you tell me you’re the one lying about it.

DAVE What the fuck is going on?

LOIS I’m just telling you.

DAVE I haven’t… Why are you doing this?

LOIS I’m just being honest.

DAVE No one’s going to like you if you keep going on dates like this.

LOIS Look I’m not a cunt I just know what I’m after and you’re not it so I’m just gonna –

DAVE You don’t even know me.

LOIS I don’t need to. I know what lads like you are like I’m a fucking adult. I know that you’re not what I want so I’m going to go and get pissed with my mates.

DAVE What did I do wrong?

LOIS Honestly?

DAVE Yes.

LOIS You’re a little boy. You’re wearing Topman clothes. You’re skinny. You’re shit. You’re not going to get anywhere with any girls from here unless you get some meat on you, get a decent hair cut and… What’s your job again?

DAVE I’m studying hospitality.

LOIS FFS.

DAVE What?

LOIS I thought you’d be rich.

DAVE Why?

LOIS Because of all the nice bars you were in in ya pictures and that.

DAVE It was my birthday pictures. We went to Pizza Express.

LOIS Fucking hell. Why can’t there be like for once just one fucking decent lad to ask me out.

DAVE I am a decent lad.

LOIS You’re not. I want someone who is good-looking and rich who will one day become my best mate. I’m not being shallow but I just keep meeting people I don’t fancy and ones who aren’t yano… The One… I deserve the One. This place is shit and I want something to make me feel special.

DAVE You’re fucking delusional. I don’t want to do this. Fuck off.

LARDER

LARDER When you’re dealing with these sorts of things you need to remind yourself you’re probably not alone. It’s hard not to but you feel like an alien; like you’re something off Star Wars that’s landed in Ibiza in a human body and you think everyone knows. Rarely are people thinking what you think they are; they have their own shit. It’s important to remind yourself of that. Lois is the happiest girl in school.

LOIS

LOIS I’m little and I’m 10 years old and it’s Christmas. And I’m wearing Minnie Mouse pyjamas and my hair’s in bunches and I’m an only child and Auntie Susan is staying over for Christmas because her husband’s gone and I wake up first. I wake up first and it’s dark outside and it’s cold and I go downstairs. I’m excited. I’m really excited that it’s Christmas and Santa’s been and at the bottom of the stairs there are chewed up carrots because Santa’s fed his reindeers and they’ve been on a big journey and there’s a half-eaten mince pie that I left for Santa last night and the brandy is gone and underneath the tree is the biggest present I’ve ever seen. It’s bigger than me and I’m so excited I can’t wait, my skin is itching and sweating with excitement and I know it’s bad I know I shouldn’t I know I should wait for M...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Chapter 3
• Chapter 4