Actually

Anna Ziegler

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781786823083
• eBook ISBN: 9781786823090
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Sociology
• Index: Social Sciences

At a raucous party during their freshman year at Princeton, Tom and Amber connect in ways that seem innocent enough at first. But as things progress, they find themselves in murky territory, with ramifications that could affect the rest of their lives. What actually happened between them? Actually explores the difficult question of how to define the point at which sex ceases to be consensual. Tom, a black music student, and Amber, a shy Jewish student, each make their case, addressing the audience, not one another. Each has their own version of what they believe to be true. They give evidence to a Campus Committee which is ill-equipped to handle such cases. Actually has been described as "an extraordinary piece of theatre. The brilliance in Ziegler's writing is in its ability to explore the issue of each character's history, mixed with gender politics, social class and race to indicate the unconscious desires that influenced their actions on the night."

(Lights up on a college party. Princeton. Two students, freshmen — Amber and Tom — are outside on the quad. A first date. Sort of. They’re drinking. A lot.)

AMBER

So I was reading tonight in our psych book about the pratfall effect, and it’s actually really interesting: it’s about how a person’s attractiveness increases or decreases after he or she makes a mistake. So a highly-competent person, like, say, a celebrity, would be more likable after committing a blunder, while the opposite would be true if –

TOM

God, do you ever stop talking?

AMBER

What?

TOM

(With a small smile.)

Just stop talking.

AMBER

Okay.

TOM

I’m gonna kiss you now.

AMBER

Oh.

Okay.

(They do. Amber’s not sure what to do with her hand so it hovers awkwardly over Tom’s shoulder, not touching it.)

AMBER

Let’s play a game. Let’s play Two Truths and a Lie.

TOM

(Emphatic.)

No.

AMBER

Come on.

TOM

Okay. I have two truths for you… I hate games and I hate that game.

AMBER

But you’ll play it.

TOM

And why would I do that?

AMBER

If you wanna sleep with me tonight, for one thing.

TOM

(Without missing a beat.)

Okay, who goes first?

(A sharp shift in tone. Amber and Tom abruptly turn to face the audience.)

AMBER

So.

TOM

(To the audience.)

In some ways I’ve been on trial my entire life.

AMBER

It wasn’t an actual trial. It was a hearing but it felt like a trial. We sat across from each other. At these long wooden tables. I felt like I was a character in The Crucible. Maybe because our “trial” was in a classroom where I’d happened to read The Crucible earlier that semester.

TOM

We sat across from each other.

AMBER

The room was very cold. I had to wear two layers. The cardigan I carry with me because I am always cold but also my jacket. Inside.

TOM

I couldn’t believe how cold this girl got. She’d have goose bumps like sitting outside on a 75 degree day.

(An abrupt shift back to each other, and into a continuation of the original scene.)

AMBER

Okay my first truth is: I thought I’d fall in love on my first day of college.

TOM

(That’s weird.)

First day?

AMBER

(She speaks very fast.)

Well, my parents did. My dad was my mom’s professor in a class called History of the American South and she liked his accent and in a sort of twisted way that he was old enough to be her father and I guess he liked being able to lord it over her and probably her looks – my mom was very attractive back then – because then they were together.

TOM

That was allowed back then?

AMBER

You don’t even know if anything I just said was true.

TOM

Okay. Fair point.

AMBER

Second one: I have never excelled at any sport.

TOM

But you’re on the squash team.

AMBER

Third one: I have no feelings for you whatsoever.

(Tom stares at her.)

So now you guess.

TOM

No, I know. I’m thinking.

AMBER

Lay out your thought process.

TOM

Well, I’m an arrogant bastard so I think you do like me… And that shit about your parents is either too detailed to be a lie or so detailed it’s the obvious lie.

AMBER

Hm. Interesting.

TOM

You’re on a team here so I think you’ve excelled at sports. And I’m way confident you’re into me —

AMBER

So you’ve said.

TOM

So I’ll go with the lie is about your parents.

AMBER

The lie was not about my parents.

TOM

Then you’re no good at sports.

AMBER

I’m no good at sports.

TOM

How the hell did you get on the squash team?

AMBER

Anyone can get on the squash team.

TOM

Is that right.

AMBER

I mean, you don’t have to be great. You can be good. Or just okay. It’s a great way to help you get into college.

Just like being black.

TOM

(Incredulous and amused.)

Um. You know you can’t say that. Right?

AMBER

But it’s not a micro-aggression or anything.

TOM

’Cause it’s like a macro-aggression.

AMBER

(Unapologetic, matter-of-fact.)

Come on. Everyone has things that help them get in. I’m not saying either of us is remotely unqualified to be here.

TOM

(In disbelief.)

Wow. Okay.

AMBER

No, I’m sure you’re super smart. You had to beat out a shit ton of other black kids to get in. I just had to beat out some other mediocre squash players.

TOM

You think my only competition was other black kids?

AMBER

Mainly, yeah. We all fill some stupid niche, which reduces us to something much less than what we are, but that’s the way it goes. Has it been very hard for you, being black?

TOM

(Laughing.)

God, you really are, like…a piece of work.

AMBER

But has it?

(Another sharp turn out to the audience.)

AMBER

See it became, almost immediately, “the matter of Anthony dash Cohen”.

(Bashfully.)

Which I couldn’t help thinking looked like what our last name would be if we got married…

TOM

I get an email from the Office of the Vice Provost of Institutional Equity and Diversity. It’s from some dude named Leslie. He made it clear that he was a dude by saying “because the name can be ambiguous I want to make you aware that I am a man.” I’m told to come into the office at my very earliest convenience.

AMBER

What happened was I told Heather who told our RA Olivia who told whoever she told.

TOM

I honestly thought maybe this was about my being an asshole for not joining the Black Student Union.

AMBER

But I didn’t know Heather would tell anyone. She just came into my room and was like “Amber. People are saying you were topless at Cap last night. What the fuck. Were you super wasted?” And I’m like “that’s the least of it. I mean, Thomas Anthony practically raped me.” And she looked at me with these wide eyes, like she was kind of seeing me for the first time… And I knew immediately that I’d said something I couldn’t take back.

TOM

So I’m sitting across from Leslie, and the guy has an enormous beard. Part of me wonders if maybe there is a woman behind there.

AMBER

And so I tell her what happened. Or what I can remember. But I don’t tell Heather everything. I mean, why should Heather know everything?

TOM

And he’s like “I assume you know why you’re here” and I’m like “enlighten me, Leslie” not realizing I shouldn’t be, like, a dick right now. And he squints his eyes at me like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

Okay, so even though my mom was always like “don’t give anyone any reason to write you off” I’m still not great at gauging when I really should be polite. Like in 11^th grade I once said to the school psychologist: “who’s your shrink, shrink?”

I mean, I had this one weird thing and my high school sent me into therapy. What’s that all about?

AMBER

So I just say to Heather that things went pretty far and she’s like but that’s not rape and I’m like I know that Heather. What might have maybe constituted something approaching sex without my one hundred percent consent was that he got a tiny bit rough with me and at first I was into it but then I wasn’t into it anymore and I stood up and was like “actually, um” but he pulled me back and kept going. And then she says, all horrified “and all you said was ‘actually’?” and I’m like yeah. And she’s like “but that’s not no” and I’m like I know that, Heather — I am aware that two different words in the English language are not the same word… Also, I was just so so drunk.

(Abrupt shift back to the scene.)

TOM

Okay, so I guess I’ll say…in the spirit of truth…

AMBER

Or maybe a lie.

TOM

If I can, one day I’d like to play piano professionally. Like in a symphony. Or jazz piano. Or, like, the orchestra pit of Hamilton / or something.

AMBER

Oh god I love that show.

TOM

(Impressed.)

You saw it??

AMBER

No!!

TOM

Okay… The second one is…my mom is the love of my life.

AMBER

Aw. That’s sweet. That better not be a lie or you’re kind of deranged.

TOM

I am capable of some pretty poor behavior.

AMBER

(Flirty.)

...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Author’s Note
• Characters
• Chapter
• By the same author