All the Discworld's a Stage: Volume 1

Unseen Academicals; Feet of Clay; The Rince Cycle

Terry Pratchett, Stephen Briggs

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781783191628
• eBook ISBN: 9781783196616
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Feet of Clay Someone is killing Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. No one knows who, no one knows why and, worst of all, no one knows how – he just gets weaker and weaker. But it's not just Vetinari – across the city, people are being murdered, but there's no trace of anything alive having been at the crime scene. Commander Vimes, Head of the City Watch, is a man who hates 'clues'. He and his team must question everyone – the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. In a city teeming with vampires, werewolves, dwarfs with attitude and golems, Vimes must solve the crimes and save the Patrician. The Rince Cycle
As a punishment, failed wizard Rincewind is given the task of guiding and safeguarding the Disc's first tourist, Twoflower (with his magical luggage on legs). As they travel the city and beyond, they meet the world's oldest hero, Cohen the Barbarian. With him, and with Bethan (a qualified sacrificial victim), they encounter druids, trolls, adventurers, a hairdresser and a power-crazed wizard. Oh, and Death. But not fatally. Did we mention that Rincewind also has to save the world from destruction by a huge red star that will collide with the Discworld at Hogswatch? The Rince Cycle is mostly based on The Light Fantastic, with bits of The Colour of Magic and Sourcery added for good measure. Unseen Academicals
'Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Ankh-Morpork, where we lay our scene…' Football divides the city. Each area has its own team – and rivalry means supporters never mix. Until a Dimwell fan falls for a Dolly Sisters girl. And now an ancient bequest means the wizards of Unseen University must win a football match, without using magic. Luckily they're coached by the mysterious Mr Nutt (and no one knows anything much about Mr Nutt, not even Mr Nutt, which worries him, too). As the match approaches, four lives are entangled and changed forever. Because the thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football.

UNSEEN ACADEMICALS

Terry Pratchett’s Unseen Academicals dramatised by Stephen Briggs was first presented by the Studio Theatre Club at the Unicorn Theatre, Abingdon, on Tuesday 17 November 2009, with the following cast and crew:

MUSTRUM RIDCULLY	Matthew Kirk
PONDER STIBBONS	Jon Viner
GLENDA SUGARBEAN	Mary Horan
JULIET STOPPLE	Amy Wackett
NUTT, An Orc	Jamie Crowther
TREVOR LIKELY	Alistair Mackay
LORD VETINARI	Stephen Briggs
DRUMKNOTT	Holly Bathie
SACHARISSA CRIPSLOCK	Judy Leonard
WILLIAM DE WORDE	Mark Pritchard
ANDY SHANK	Mike Wroe
MADAME SHARN	Elena Wright
PEPE	Andy Edwards
CHAIR OF INDEFINITE STUDIES	John Kirchhoff
LECTURER IN RECENT RUNES	Graham Cook
SENIOR WRANGLER	Brian Macken
DR. HIX	Becky Crux
LADY MARGOLOTTA	Kath Leighton
OTTOMY	Tim Arnot
HOGGETT	Brian Macken
WENDY	Hannah Barnes
ROZ	Victoria Wood
DUSTWORTHY SWITHIN	Debs McKenna
CORDIA	Rhona Wells
REFEREE	Sarah Hickingbottom
CARTER	Fiona Tracey
WANDA	Sreya Rao
BILLIE STOLLOP	Viv Hart
JUMBO	Peter Hubbard
TEAM CAPTAIN	Heather Brady

CITIZENS, THUGS, FOOTBALLERS, THE CROWD, etc. Julie Pearson, Heather Brady, Hannah Barnes, Sreya Rao, Victoria Wood, Debs McKenna, Peter Hubbard, Fiona Tracey, Rhona Wells, Viv Hart

Director	Stephen Briggs
Lighting	Colin James
Sound	Phil Evans
Stage Manager	Tim Arnot

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A bare stage. A room in UU. SACHARISSA CRIPSLOCK enters.

SACHARISSA: Hello. Sacharissa Cripslock. Ankh-Morpork Times. Technically, the city of Ankh-Morpork is a Tyranny, which is not always the same thing as a monarchy, and in fact even the post of Tyrant has been somewhat redefined by the incumbent, Lord Vetinari, as the only form of democracy which works. Everyone is entitled to vote, unless disqualified by reason of age or not being Lord Vetinari.

And yet it does work. This has annoyed a number of people who feel, somehow, that it should not, and who want a monarch instead, thus replacing a man who had achieved his position by cunning, a deep understanding of the realities of the human psyche, breathtaking diplomacy, a certain prowess with the stiletto dagger, and, all agreed, a mind like a finely balanced circular saw, with a man who had got there by being born. A third proposition, that the city be governed by a freely-elected choice of respectable members of the community who would promise not to give themselves airs or betray the public trust at every turn was instantly the subject of music-hall jokes all over the city.

It’s two o’clock in the morning. We’re in Unseen University – the Discworld’s premier college of wizardry. Actually, the multiverse’s premier college of wizardry. Despite the hour, a long-standing tradition is being followed…

A wizard, with a duck tied to his head, runs through the stage. With more cries, a crowd of wizards charge on, robes flapping, and waving odd items maybe a frying pan, a hunting horn, whatever you want that is ‘Discworld’. They charge across the stage and exit, whooping.

They are the finest minds in the world, let me tell you.

Finest minds. Engaged in the business of the universe. Finest minds!

She exits. A moment, and the wizards enter, breathless.

RIDCULLY: Well, that was fun! We must do it again sometime.

STIBBONS: Yes, sir. We will. In one hundred years.

INDEFINITE STUDIES: What is a Megapode, anyway?

RIDCULLY: (Dismissively.) Type of bird, I believe.

STIBBONS: The original Megapode was found in the under-butler’s pantry. It escaped in the middle of dinner and caused what my predecessor eleven hundred years ago called… (Referring to a book.) ‘a veritable heyhoe-rumbelow as all the Fellows pursued it through the college buildings with much mirth and good spirits.’

HIX: Why?

RIDCULLY: Oh, you can’t have a Megapode running around loose, Dr Hix. Anyone’ll tell you that.

HIX: No, I meant why do we do it again every hundred years?

INDEFINITE STUDIES: It’s a tradition. We have to have traditions.

LIBRARIAN: Ook.

SENIOR WRANGLER: Yes, quite right – should be getting our traditional drink about now. And…perhaps that new girl – Juliet – might bring it bring it up? She ought to get used to the Uncommon Room.

The wizards look wistful and start to drift off.

STIBBONS: (Who hasn’t noticed.) You may be interested to know, gentlemen that tonight’s was the longest chase ever recorded in the history of… Er…gentlemen?

They have all left. STIBBONS follows.

SACHARISSA: It is a well-known fact in any organisation that, if you want a job done, you should give it to someone who is already very busy; In UU, Ponder Stibbons was that busy man.

JULIET enters. GLENDA enters and intercepts her.

GLENDA: Juliet! Where have you been?

JULIET: Went to the football, didn’t I. You know we were playing those buggers in Dimwell.

GLENDA: Until one in the morning?

JULIET: That’s the rules, init? Play until full time, first dead man or first score.

GLENDA: Who won?

JULIET: Dunno.

GLENDA: You don’t know?

JULIET: When we left it was being decided on head wounds. I went with Rotten Johnny.

GLENDA: Rotten Johnny? You shouldn’t have gone. Just go and do the washing-up will you?

JULIET exits.

SACHARISSA: Glenda likes Juliet, she really does, although sometimes she wonders why. Of course, they’d grown up together, but it had always amazed her that Juliet, could be so…dumb about everything.

In fact it was Glenda who had had grown up. She wasn’t sure about Juliet; sometimes it seemed to Glenda that she had done the growing up for both of them.

GLENDA: Rotten Johnny. Ye gods, he smells of cat wee! He’s the only boy stupid enough to think he’s got a chance. Good grief, she’s got a figure like that and all she ever dates are total knobheads! What would she do without me?...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• Feet of Clay
• The Rince Cycle
• Unseen Academicals