Locker Room Talk

Gary McNair

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781786822857
• eBook ISBN: 9781786822864
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Locker Room Talk is a provocative piece of event theatre. Inspired by Donald Trump's leaked sexually aggressive comments, the show is a confronting exploration of the phenomenon the then presidential candidate later dismissed as 'locker room banter'. But can this be true? Is this simply a loathsome individual or one who speaks to a silent majority? Gary McNair wants to think we are better than this, and is having honest conversations with men about women to see if he is right or wrong. The words of these men are performed by a cast of women in this verbatim piece.

NOTHING DEGRADING

THROTTLE It’s not degradin is it, though, to women?

GIGGLES I’m not too bad for that. (Laughs.) Usually!

*

5ASIDE 1 It’s more about the tone that you say something. Like when he’s said it, it sounded quite rapey and seedy but when we say it, everybody knows it’s a joke.

5ASIDE 2 Aye.

5ASIDE 1 Certain guys that… we both know, if you’re in a car with them driving about and then you just stopped at a traffic light and he’d be like, “she’s bangin.”

5ASIDE 2 You’d go “she’s alright.”

5ASIDE 1 “Smash her back doors in.” That, that is, that is…

*

GIGGLES Ahhh… ‘s good laugh yeah. Not bothered. (Laughs.) Might let it fly if I think it’s funny. (Laughs.) Depends on how serious their face was when they said it! Ha ha ha!

*

CANNAE There’s things I don’t want to say. There’s more things I don’t want to say. I cannae, I cannae. I wid, know I wid but I cannae. There’s just stuff that cannae be says to you.

*



BANTER

BOILER 1 Ha! Naw fuck, I’m not even that talkative. What we dae doon here is slag fuck oot of every other person in the building. “She’d get it. She’d get it. She’s a rug muncher.”

BOILER 2 “Definitely would.”

BOILER 1 “I don’t like her.” Aye, “definitely would,” that’s a saying that’s often used. “Definitely would.”

BOILER 3 Aye, “she’d get it.”

BOILER 1 “She’d get it.”

BOILER 3 “She’d get it, nae problem.” The scale is the size of her tits.

BOILER 1 Aye. Disnae have to be gorgeous, just have big boobies.

BOILER 2 Or “she’s got some arse on her.”

BOILER 1 And then, “she’s absolutely barkin’” and fuckin’ “I’d pull my dug aff a that.” That’s where it goes from /

BOILER 3 “She’d get it.”

BOILER 1 / to “I’d pull my dug aff a that.” (She’d get it.) And “you wid need the Finnieston crane to pull me off her.”

BOILER 2 “I’d gie her the most disappointing thirty seconds of her life.”

BOILER 1 “I’d take her back to her virginity and dae it right.”

BOILER 3 What’s the other one that I keep saying? “You’d need the sanitary to get me oot of her.”

BOILER 1 Aye.

BOILER 3 (Laughs.) “Wouldn’t let my dug near it.”

BOILER 1 Aye, or else “I’d pit my dug doon for doing that.”

BOILER 3 (Laughs.)

BOILER 1 Stop talking noo! Stop talking! There’s a woman in company!

(Whispers.) She’d get it!

Naw, she’s a beautiful young lady.

Dial a hooker and get it over wi. Lithuanian hooker – that’d sort you right oot. Suck you in and fart you oot. The last time you seen a fanny it was slidin ower yer face (laughter) when you were comin’ oot yer ma. That’s terrible. I know his mum. He’s my nephew.

*

UN-PC Em… I dunno, I think when it comes to inappropriate fe– sexism, I, I actually find that quite funny these days cos everybody’s so politically correct. When you hear somebody being inappropriate sexually, I just laugh because I know that, probably nine times out of ten they’re no meanin’ it. They’re just meanin’ it to be, what’s the word? Em… provocative. They’re looking for a reaction. Em… I think I’m in the minority but I think there is a silent majority. I think most guys would probably have a laugh, but they don’t want to dae it too obviously.

They’ll have a snigger behind their, behind a lot of people’s backs. Know what I mean? I think that’s the issue. I think a lot of people try to think before they speak, and whilst that is a good thing, it can also create a very sort of boring environment, d’you know what I mean? Everybody’s just sorta worried. I dunno, it’s just anything that goes against what’s politically correct. Aye! He basically says what he thinks and he doesnae care what anybody else thinks. I actually think he’s quite funny. I just, I just think it’s one of these situations you’re like, “on you go, Donald mate! Say what exactly you think. Don’t try and sanitise yourself.” (Laughs.) It’s, you would never say that. It’s like, you would never hear that anywhere else apart fae comin oot of Donald Trump’s mooth. And the only reason he can say it is because he’s the, well, he wasnae the President of the United States then. He’s gonna get even worse noo, because he can say whatever he wants and nobody’s going to tell him no tae.

*

GYM 3 But since Trump’s been elected, then it might be sorta, aye… cos he’s a bit… In a way, like the whole ‘hing that came oot wi him, aboot talking aboot the woman, the way he was talking, I suppose it’s… that is guy chat. I can understand, that is how boys talk. Y’know? Nights oot, n stuff, they might see women and then they might talk “aw, I’d like to have a…” whatever, etc. S’the way your mates see a woman walking past, “aw look at her. She’d get it.” Aye, aye, she might take offence to it, she might no. Some women might like that.

*

GYM 1 S’fine, don’t feel it’s any harm to any woman as long as they don’t… be offended by it.

*

TAXI 1 Women are a pain in the arse. A pain in the fuckin arse man. They’re only good for one thing. Fuck. A good fuck. That’s it. I was with my missus for years. My oldest boy’s twenty-four and I’ll tell you what, I’ll never live with a woman again. No that, I’m no gay or anything like that. Y’know, but I’ll no live with a woman. Y’know. She’ll have her flat, I’ll have my flat. The best thing that comes oot a woman’s mooth is your knob. I would say, aye. Cos everything else is fuckin shite. Whether they’re moaning or fucking whatever, bitching about something. You stick your knob in there, shuts them up and then when you take it oot they’re shut up. And you’re happy. Ach I know, there is, listen, women, my kid’s mum, she is, she’s a cracking woman. We’re no together anymair but she’s a great woman, great mother and aw that y’know, but they’re a pain in the arse.

*

CABBIE You don’t grab pussy? You never grab pussy? (Laughter.) Look. All men are like that. No? Ok, 99% are like that. Ok, 95%. Uh, alright. 89%. And that’s it. That’s my lowest number. NAAAAAH. Maybe where you’re from. In America everybody here is thinking about pussy, “what’s next? Look at that ass. Look at those titties,” you know, what can you do? It’s just guys. That’s how we just. That’s what a lot of guys do. Most guys I think. 89%. I’m willing to say 89%. (Laughs.) You just don’t want to admit it, man.

*



SCORING SYSTEM

DOC 1 How many pints it would take you.

DOC 2 Like, it could be ah, I’d need at least six pints before I went anywhere near that.

DOC IRONY A so-many-pint job: a six pint job /

DOC 2 Yeah! Yeah, exactly.

DOC IRO...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Locker Room Talk
• By the same author