Letters to Morrissey

Gary McNair

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781786822987
• eBook ISBN: 9781786822994
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

It's 1997. You're 11. You're sad, lonely and scared of doing anything that would get you singled out by the hopeless, angry people in your hometown. One day you see a man on telly. He's mumbling, yet electrifying. He sings: 'I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does'. You become obsessed with him. You write to him. A lot. Letters to Morrissey is the third in a trilogy of often darkly comic works drawing on the joys and struggles of growing up in working class Scotland. Fringe First Award Winner 2017.

MCKINNON’S OFFICE 1

MR M: This is a safe space…

NARRATOR: I’m fifteen. It’s 2002.

The charts are awash with S Club, Suga Babes and Girls Aloud. We are in the middle of the second Star Wars trilogy. What a time to be alive.

It’s 9:05 on a Monday morning

and I have a scheduled meeting with Mr McKinnon.

This is not good.

Only two types of people

get called into McKinnon’s Crew

the nutters and the bed wetters

and I don’t think I have the clout to convince anyone that I’m a nutter.

He has a poster on his wall that says,

“do one thing everyday that scares you”.

Seriously? In this school? I’m fucking petrified. All the time.

It should read, “try to do one thing everyday that doesn’t absolutely terrify someone else”.

MR M: Tell me, how do you feel?

BOY: Fine.

NARRATOR: Because that’s what you say, isn’t it?

Even when you’re not. It’s inbuilt.

BOY: Why am I here?

MR M: We have noticed that

you’ve been becoming increasingly introverted

and have been disengaging from your classes

and classmates.

NARRATOR: (Aside.) Great solve, Taggart. I’m a teenager!

What is he gonna discover next?

That there are a large quantity of penises

drawn on the wall of the boys’ toilets?

MR M: And of course there is the lashing out.

I have a report from Mr Jeffers that you referred to him as a ‘flatulent pain in the arse”²?

BOY: But sir, in fairness/

MR M: In fairness nothing.

Poor Mr Jeffers has the cursed Irritable Bowl Syndrome.

The man can’t eat cheese.

And then there was your Modern Studies essay:

“The Acceptability of Murder if the Victim is Margaret Thatcher”.

BOY: That was a good paper, sir. I did loads of research too.

MR M: It was meant to be an essay about the absolutists.

BOY: Well, you could say that… well… she…

MR M: It was a brutal celebration of murder.

We’re only trying to help you reach your potential.

It’s an amazing thing, potential.

Do you know what it is?

BOY: It’s the amount of energy
that mass has in a gravitational field.

MR M: Yes… Well… I cannot confirm or deny its scientific meaning,
we’re not in the science lab right now.

BOY: That is what it is though sir.

MR M: In THIS context it literally means that
there is nothing in the world that you can’t do.
Unless, of course, you… fuck things up.

Eh? Eh? I bet you didn’t think I’d have sworn, did you?

Pretty shocking. Eh?

You see… I trust you won’t tell on me.

And I want you to trust me.

So, is there anything you would like to talk about?

Are you aware of Sigmund Freud?

BOY: Is that the man who slept with his mum?

MR M: No he is not!

I mean, well… technically I can’t confirm nor deny it.

But it’s certainly not in any records that I’ve read about him.

Sigmund Freud was one of the best minds we’ve ever seen.

Freud said that if we keep something inside of us it can become a much bigger problem than it really is.

Like cancer.

BOY: Sir, are you saying… I’ve got cancer.

MR M: No! No, I just… well, technically I can’t confirm nor deny it

But… Fine, let’s use a different metaphor,
lets say it’s like…

but you see cancer just works so much better.

So, I’m not saying you necessarily have cancer.

But LIKE cancer if there is something inside of you that you want to let out, it would be good to share it.

Just last week I had Andrew Jones in here
and we spoke all about him pushing his mum down the stairs.

BOY: SIR?!

I thought this was meant to be a safe space.

MR M: Oh but it is.

That was just an example.

Plus, everyone knows about that.

BOY: But no one knows what actually happened though do they sir? People just talk shit.

MR M: Listen, if I’m able to put my Freud hat on for a moment, I believe it may be the fact that you’re finding it hard to believe that your friend could be capable of such a monstrous act that is causing you such vexation.

Well, if it’s not that, how bad can it be?

Look, if Andrew can talk about that, you can talk about anything.

Drugs? Crime? The prospect of masturbation? Girls? Are you worried you might be a gay?

Well, if you won’t talk to me

perhaps we can find someone that you will talk to?

A buddy? A friend? A relative?

It’s good to know that someone is listening.

You have a think about that and we can check in again next week.

No one knows what happens in here

or who even comes in here.

For instanc...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Pre Show
• Prologue: Where To Begin?
• McKinnon’s Office 1
• Looking for Someone
• Letter 1
• McKinnon’s Office 2
• Letter 2
• McKinnon’s Office 3
• Becoming A Monster
• Letter 3
• He’s Coming
• Preparing to Meet Him
• The Gig
• It’s over
• McKinnon’s Office 4
• Epilogue: Letter 4
• By the Same Author