Counting Stars

Atiha Sen Gupta

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781786820358
• eBook ISBN: 9781786820365
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Woolwich. Club Paradise. Valentine's Night. Nigerian nightclub toilet attendants Abiodun and Sophie brace themselves for the busiest night of the year. Tonight Abiodun and Sophie are also marking their one year anniversary together having met in Paradise: united in love, divided by a toilet wall. But as the countdown to midnight and the end of their shift begins, bosses, exes and clubbers threaten to stall the anniversary plans of the young lovers. Will Abiodun and Sophie make it back in time for their very own Valentine's celebration?

LIGHTS UP.

ABIODUN and SOPHIE stare into the audience.

ABIODUN:Abiodun Obayomi. (Beat.) Obayomi. (Shakes head.) No, no – not Obama. Obayomi. O-B-A … Obayomi. What’s difficult about it? Obayomi!

SOPHIE:Sophie. (Beat.) What do you mean? (Beat.) Yes – I have a Nigerian name. (Beat.) It’s Sophie.

ABIODUN:I need the money. (A laugh that trails off.) I bet you don’t hear that every day. (Shrugs.) At least it’s honest. (Beat.) Yes I can repeat – Ob-ay-omi. Obayomi.

SOPHIE:I’m passionate about people, I’m a good listener and I’m punctual.

ABIODUN:Can I sing? (Beat.) I suppose I can hold a tune …

SOPHIE:Don’t worry – all my stuff is my own.

ABIODUN:I assure you – my degree in astrophysics won’t come in the way.

SOPHIE:I can start right away.

ABIODUN:OK – just put ‘Obama’.

BLACK OUT.

The dull thud of a generic up-tempo club anthem can be heard.

It crescendos.

Cuts out.

LIGHTS UP.

SOPHIE:The year ahead will be good for me. (Beat.) That’s what Cosmo magazine says. It always gets it right – I’m telling you.

ABIODUN:Valentine’s Night. The worst of the year. If you think normal Saturday nights are bad wait till you see this. Not only do the couples come out in all their sickening lovey-dovey glory but so do the single ones desperate to find some … any … kind of other half.

SOPHIE:Valentine’s Day is my best earner. Everything flies off the shelf – the lollipops, the perfume, the hairspray – you name it. I can come away with two hundred, maybe even three hundred pounds.

ABIODUN:I just want today to be over with.

SOPHIE:I cannot wait to see my clients. P.A. to the stars! That’s how you have to see the girls here. They are nobodies for the week but when they come here on a Saturday night, they are somebody. They are worth it. And most of them believe that until it’s 3 A.M. in the morning and one’s crying because she thinks she’s fat and another because her boyfriend’s just left her.

ABIODUN:The lights are still on when I step inside Paradise – it’s strange to see it at this time – before the fantasy begins. It could be anywhere in the world. There’s nothing special about this place. Why on earth do people come here to fuck, to find love, to get broken up with?

SOPHIE:I start to line up my perfumes. In twos. Like Noah’s Arc … Sophie’s Arc! I put the celebrities at the front, they seem to go the quickest. Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Rihanna. Tonight the lollipops are out. The girls like that. They want to impress their men by sucking on a small white stick. I don’t understand it but it sells. I also bring make-up. Often with the girls, their mascara will smudge with the tears. So I’m always here, ready with a replacement.

ABIODUN:Before I met Sophie, I used to go to internet cafés and google ‘how to cure loneliness’. I don’t do that anymore.

SOPHIE:(Nostrils flaring.) Flattery won’t get you anywhere.

ABIODUN:When Sophie’s flattered, her nostrils flare.

SOPHIE:(Nostrils flaring.) No they don’t!

ABIODUN:On the day we met …

SOPHIE:… A year ago. (Beat.) He was still seeing that girl.

ABIODUN:We met by the bar.

SOPHIE:That horrible … Jamaican … girl.

ABIODUN:She has a name. She’s still alive –

SOPHIE:I know!

ABIODUN:Amanda.

SOPHIE:Ah!

ABIODUN:What do you want me to call her then?

SOPHIE:Akata.

ABIODUN:Akata? She wants me to call Amanda ‘bitch’ in Yoruba? That’s quite a nickname.

SOPHIE:He says her name like he still loves her …

ABIODUN:We broke up a year ago! Sophie was the final nail in the coffin, as it were.

SOPHIE:She’s had it in for me ever since I walked into this place. She wears too much make-up, too much cheap perfume, too many revealing clothes. Let’s just say – she’s a woman, not a lady.

ABIODUN:Come on. Be fair.

SOPHIE:Standing at the bar, with Amanda Akata looking on, he asks me:

ABIODUN:Do you come here often?

SOPHIE:I mean, who asks that?

ABIODUN:Do you?

SOPHIE:I work here.

ABIODUN:Since when?

SOPHIE:Since today.

ABIODUN:Lawrence thinks he is bringing the West End to Woolwich by bringing us in.

SOPHIE:He called me an entrepreneur –

ABIODUN:(As LAWRENCE.) Ess. Entrepreneuress. You are right up Paradise’s street.

SOPHIE beams, her nostrils flaring.

ABIODUN:(Tapping his nose.) I told you.

SOPHIE:At least Lawrence makes me believe in myself.

ABIODUN:He was flirting with you.

SOPHIE:You have a mind in the gutter! Anyway it’s not like Akata helps me believe in myself.

ABIODUN:Who is Akata?

SOPHIE:A-man-da. Your ex!

ABIODUN:Forget her. I chose you, didn’t I?

SOPHIE:She was jealousing me from day one. The way she was staring at me across the bar when Abiodun was talking to me. She was cutting her eye so much, I thought it would start bleeding.

ABIODUN:Can you blame her? Imagine knowing you were about to lose someone as ravishingly handsome as me?

SOPHIE:(As AMANDA.) That girl is clapped.

ABIODUN:She was having an off-day.

SOPHIE:(As SOPHIE.) Off-day! That girl is having an off-life. (Kissing her teeth.). I didn’t know what ‘clapped’ was so I looked it up on the internet. On something called Urban Dictionary: (clearing her throat) ‘Someone below the acceptable standard of looks’. She thinks I’m ugly! (As AMANDA.) I don’t think you’re ugly, I kinda know you are. (As SOPHIE.) One day I am going to give that girl a piece of my mind.

ABIODUN:No you won’t. She’s my ex but more importantly she’s our landlady.

SOPHIE:Landwoman.

ABIODUN:OK, OK. Landwoman.

ABIODUN:(As LAWRENCE.) Would you mind getting back to work? (As ABIODUN.) I am working. (As LAWRENCE.) I’m talking about how we work here – service with a smile. (As ABIODUN.) But the customers haven’t started coming in yet. It’s only nine. (As LAWRENCE.) The clientele may not be here yet but have you seen the state of the bogs? (As ABIODUN.) So I sigh, stand up and start cleaning the toilets. Even though it is not in my job description.

SOPHIE:It is very hard for me to pick my favourite. It’s like asking a mother which one of her children she loves the most. (Beat.) But if I had to choose my favourite celebrity fragrance, I would say Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds. You wouldn’t think she’d have one but she does and it’s a classic. When people say that young girls don’t appreciate history, they’re wrong. A lot of girls ask for Taylor and take three or four sprays. It’s one pound a spray so often I earn three or four pounds from just one girl. (Beat.) I like Rihanna too, Beyoncé of course and Kerry Katona’s one is not bad, you k...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Theatre Royal Stratford East
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Characters
• Counting Stars