The Rince Cycle

Terry Pratchett, Stephen Briggs

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781783191963
• eBook ISBN: 9781783196951
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

As a punishment, failed wizard Rincewind is given the task of guiding and safeguarding the Disc's first tourist, Twoflower (with his magical luggage on legs). As they travel the city and beyond, they meet the world's oldest hero, Cohen the Barbarian. With him, and with Bethan (a qualified sacrificial victim), they encounter druids, trolls, adventurers, a hairdresser and a power-crazed wizard. Oh, and Death. But not fatally. Did we mention that Rincewind also has to save the world from destruction by a huge red star that will collide with the Discworld at Hogswatch? The Rince Cycle is mostly based on The Light Fantastic, with bits of The Colour of Magic and Sourcery added for good measure.

SCENE ONE

A bare stage. OLD RINCEWIND enters. Possibly on a screen. We just had him as a recorded voiceover and adjusted accordingly.

OLD RINCEWIND: Good evening roundworlders. (He peers around the screen.) Well, this is interesting. A bit like, well, a bit like magic really. But it’s ‘science’ isn’t it?

Now why are we here? For me to tell you some tales about my early life, eh? How would that be? Well, too bad, because that’s what we’re doing tonight. Or this afternoon, if they decided to stage a matinée.

We start our story in the twin city of Ankh-Morpork, foremost of all the cities bounding the Circle Sea. Ankh-Morpork is, and was, the home of a large number of gangs, thieves’ guilds, syndicates and similar organisations.

It is also the location of the Broken Drum. The Discworld’s foremost inn, tavern, place of repose… You have to take the Drum as you find it, which you do by following the noise of breaking glass…down the stairs into the beamed bar, with its walls stained with smoke and its floor a compost of old rushes and nameless beetles. Its sour beer is not so much purchased as hired for a while. But the Drum is famed not for its beer, which looks like maiden’s water and tastes like battery acid, but for its clientele. It is said that if you sit long enough in the Drum, then sooner or later every major hero in the Disc will steal your horse.

And into this den of iniquity strode, no, sauntered…the city’s first-ever tourist…

TWOFLOWER walks in, looking around with great interest and excitement. He carries a guide book and a phrase book. A local criminal, BLIND HUGH, crosses to him.

There are a few punters in the Drum, quaffing ale. RINCEWIND is among them.

BLIND HUGH: Good day to thee, sire…

TWOFLOWER: (First checking in his phrase book.) Hello.

BLIND HUGH: Hallo yourself.

TWOFLOWER: (Again checking his phrase book.) I wish to be directed to an hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice, caravanserai.

He pulls out a large gold coin. HUGH whimpers – other denizens start to take a bit of an interest.

BLIND HUGH: Well, er, you’re in one!

THE LUGGAGE enters – everyone gapes. [How do you stage it? That’s up to you!]

OLD RINCEWIND: The Luggage. To be frank, I wasn’t sure how they were going to do that. My bet was they’d just point off stage and say ‘Oh look, there’s a box with lots of legs!’

BROADMAN: What in hell’s that?

TWOFLOWER: I wish for an accommodation, a room, lodgings, the lodging house, full board, are your rooms clean, a room with a view, what is your rate for one night?

BROADMAN: It’s three copper pieces. And that thing will have to go in the stable

TWOFLOWER pulls out three of the large gold coins… HUGH and BROADMAN choke. RINCEWIND also reacts visibly, and starts to move over to them. BROADMAN recovers manfully.

Errrr…and then there’s meals, o’course. Uh. You understand, yes? Food. You eat. No?

TWOFLOWER: Fooood. Yes. Cutlet, hash chop, stew, ragout, fricassee, mince, collops, souffle, dumpling, blancmange, sorbet, gruel, sausage, not to have a sausage, beans, without a hear, kickshaws, jelly, jam. Giblets.

OLD RINCEWIND: Ah, now here’s a heroic figure…

RINCEWIND: May I be of assistance?

BROADMAN: Shove off, Rincewind!

RINCEWIND: I only thought it might be useful to address this gentleman in his own tongue. (To TWOFLOWER.) Can I be of assistance?

TWOFLOWER: At last! My good sir! This is remarkable!

BROADMAN: You can understand him?

RINCEWIND: Oh, sure.

BROADMAN: Tell him tell him he’s very welcome. Tell him breakfast is – uh – one gold piece.

I’ll throw in yours, too.

RINCEWIND: (To TWOFLOWER.) Stranger…if you stay here you will be knifed or poisoned by nightfall. But don’t stop smiling, or so will I.

TWOFLOWER: My name is Twoflower.

RINCEWIND: Pleased to meet you. I’m Rincewind. Look, I wasn’t joking. This is a tough place.

TWOFLOWER: What is this stuff in the mugs?

RINCEWIND: Beer. (BROADMAN serves them two tankards.) Yes. Beer. You know. Beer?

TWOFLOWER: Ah, the so-typical drink. A small gold piece will be sufficient payment, do you think? I do not want to cause offence.

RINCEWIND: Yarrt! I mean, no, it won’t cause offense. Erm, We are communicating in Latatian but I sense that is not your home language. Where is your home?

TWOFLOWER: Have you heard of the city of Bes Pelargic?

RINCEWIND: On the Counterweight Continent? The Continent of Gold?

BROADMAN: Are these coins genuine?...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Introduction
• The Rince Cycle