The Psychological Journey To and From Loneliness

Development, Causes, and Effects of Social and Emotional Isolation

Ami Rokach

• Publisher: Academic Press
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN:
  9780128156186
• eBook ISBN:
  9780128156193
• Topic: Psicologia
• Subtopic: Psicologia clinica

There are three universal experiences that we cannot escape: loneliness, illness, and death. The Psychological Journey To and From Loneliness addresses what was termed the plague of the 21st century--loneliness. Loneliness is stigmatized in our society, so untold number of people walk around lonely, unable to do what is so naturally called for--make their suffering known, and approach others for company and support. Thankfully, loneliness is slowly, but steadily, coming out of the "closet." This book will highlight not only the experience and what can be done about it, but also the experiences that influence it (i.e., our childhood, cultural and religious influences, and our way of life) as well as the effects that loneliness has on various population groups and how it is experienced at different times in our lives. This volume reviews theoretical approaches to the study of loneliness: the (positive) functions that loneliness may serve in our lives; the stages in life when loneliness is quite "visible" and its effects on us; the life experiences that may strengthen the feeling that one is all alone and forgotten; life experiences that we do not commonly connect to loneliness but it is clearly present in them (e.g., pregnancy and childbirth); and the approaches that are available to copy with its pain and limit its negative effects on us. The book closes with a review of how psychotherapy can assist those who need encouragement and support in their struggle with loneliness. The book is particularly suitable for academics, researchers, and clinicians who aim to help clients identify, address, and cope with loneliness. - Presents the latest research on the development, causes and effects of loneliness - Studies loneliness in childhood, adolescence, and middle and old age - Outlines what can be done to limit the negative effects of loneliness on an individual - Looks at how childhood, cultural, religious and other influences affect loneliness

1

Belonging—the essence of a community

Abstract

Being such a central feature of our humanity, belonging is reviewed, its importance, definition, and beneficial effects are listed. It clearly indicates that belonging is essential to our survival, as individuals, communities, and nations. Psychological theories about social connection, and familial support are presented, and cultural influences on social inclusion and belonging are discussed.

Keywords

Belonging; social connectedness; relationships; culture; psychological theories

Humans are obligatorily gregarious… The average person spends nearly 80% of waking hours in the company of others… and their survival depends on their collective abilities, rather than on their individual might.

Distel et al. (2010, p. 480/481).

Belonging, being part of the larger community, and having a special someone who cares deeply about us, is an essential need for humans who have been referred to as social animals (Rokach, 2017). We only need to watch National Geographic films to realize what happens to the deer who lags behind and is not part of the group. It becomes dinner for the waiting lion. Movies about the Wild West, which many of us, baby boomers, may remember, demonstrated the importance of belonging. At night, the travelers would form a circle with their wives and children in the middle, and protect them against prying man and animals. Devoldre, David, Verhofstadt, and Buysse (2017) highlighted the importance of the social support that belonging fosters, and the stresses and negative effects on mental and physical health that lack of such support may bring about (see also Rook & Charles, 2017).

Mellor, Stokes, Firth, Hayashi, and Cummins (2008) poignantly asserted that “as social beings, most humans live in a matrix of relationships that, to a large extent, define their identity (I am a daughter, wife, mother, student, etc.), and our personality (I am extraverted, friendly, and kind). Moreover, the importance of such connections transcend cultural differences… Given such dependency on relationships with others, it is not surprising that factors such as belongingness and loneliness are important predictors of psychological health” (p. 213).

Baumeister and Leary (1995), in their seminal article on belonging and its importance to well-being, suggested that humans have a pervasive (and I would add an inborn) drive to form and keep lasting significant and positive relationships. However, they added, failure to have those belongingness needs met, would quite certainly lead to feelings of social isolation and loneliness. One of the points which is frequently highlighted in the literature about belongingness, is that the quality of those relationships which we have, rather than their quantity, is the defining feature and the significant variable in creating a positive relational context and which will satisfy the need to belong (see Rokach, 2014). Just like with food, once satiated, people are less focused on searching and securing nourishment sources, those who enjoy good social relationships, are less driven to look for more of them, and thus, noted Kelly (2001), some people with a few good and reliable connections, may be satisfied and display a lower need to belong, while others will look to increase their circle of friends who cannot offer them the quality and intimacy that they yearn for, not unlike the constant searching for new “friends” on Facebook.

Belonging and being part of an intimate relationship may foster higher general life satisfaction than reported by those who do not get that caring and nurturance (Baumeister, Wotman, & Stillwell, 1993). Interestingly, and as with other basic needs, such as food, for example, once people feel that they belong, say in a romantic union, they are less likely to search for another partner (DeWall, Baumeister, & Vohs, 2008). In fact, contend Baumeister and Leary (1995) intimate relationships are so important to humans, that there may be an “internal gauge” which they termed the “socio-meter” and which helps us constantly monitor the environment for clues to changes in our inclusionary status. For it is so important to us, that as we become aware of it, we may endeavor to improve it. Both, loneliness and belonging, share the subjective perception of connectedness to others. “Psychologists’ research has long established that relationships have the power to influence physical and mental health, for better or worse…. The evidence is leading psychologists to say that strengthening those bonds should be a public priority…. Strong social relations increase the likelihood of survival by 50 pecent regardless of age, sex, or health status, according to a meta-analysis of 148 studies on mortality risk” (Weir, 2018, p. 48).

Cacioppo, Reis, and Zautra (2011), the leading researcher on loneliness, observed that “human evolutionary heritage has endowed us with the capacity to feel the pain of social isolation and the rewards of social connection. Importantly, it has also endowed us with the capacity to feel others’ pain and the compassion to care for the sick and the elderly far beyond their reproductive or instrumental utility” (p. 43). Weil (1997), a holistic physician, observed that the human species is comprised of highly social, communal animals that are meant to live in families, tribes, and communities, and when they lack those connections, for whatever reason, they suffer. It is ironic that our Western industrialized society glorifies individualism and fosters a spirit of “Every Man for Himself.” Weil pointed out, as I have observed as well (Rokach & Sha’ked, 2013) that many people pride themselves on their independence and seem to clearly and actively distance themselves from others. Some, offered Weil, may indulge in isolation using it as a defensive strategy against emotional pain, while others may never have learned how to meaningfully connect to anyone beyond themselves. Hagerty, Williams, Coyne, and Early (1996) asserted that establishing and maintaining relatedness to others is a pervasive human concern, believing that “through interpersonal interactions people survive, develop and grow” (p. 235). A testament, to how important connectedness and belonging are, can serve the practice of ex-communication that was the Church’s most severe social reprimand and the solitary confinement used in jail to punish unruly criminals. Social alienation may be so painful and damaging that people may use the same terms to describe rejection as they do to describe physical injury. We have all heard of feeling “hurt” or “crushed,” just as two examples (Leary & Springer, 2001). DeWall and Baumeister (2006) provided scientific evidence to that claim. Their participants responded similarly to physical and social pain-producing events. When, for instance, they were interpersonally rejected, they reported a sort of numbness (similar to the physical analgesia that is usually the initial response to trauma) and that helped to protect them from distressing emotional reactions. Eventually, this analgesic effect fades away and the social (or in the other case, physical) effects will be experienced (Pond, Brey, & Dewall, 2011).

Many of us may still remember our parents’ or grand parents’ “Great Depression” generation, where one’s work was seen as the valued means of self-fulfillment; for that generation, it was about “breadwinning” through a career or a job for men, while for women, it was about the creation of a home and family. The 21st century, is however, the age of relationships. We believe in the importance, uniqueness, and availability of methods of relating to others. At present, relationships appear to be the main avenue, and perhaps the only means, by which self-esteem can truly be affirmed. As Gordon (1976) so poignantly observed, “To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone, and to be in the interior of this fatal circle is to be lonely. To be lonely is to have failed” (p. 15). We seem to be living in a “Noah’s Ark” society where everything goes two-by-two, and if you are lonely, you are out of place.

What is social connectedness?

I do know for sure that connectedness is necessary to well-being. You can eat as much salmon and broccoli as you can, take anti-oxidants for the rest of your life, breath terrifically, and walk all over the earth, but if you are disconnected [from others], you will not achieve optimum health

Weil (1997, p. 153).

Kohut (1977) saw it as a fundamental human concern to establish and maintain connection and relatedness to others. That belief has led to the exploration of many concepts that are put forth in order to assist us in understanding relatedness through social behavior, psychological drives, attachment systems, and cultural environments. Since there is no one acceptable definition of belonging, various terms will be used interchangeably, including such terms as social support, relatedness, affiliation, community, and belonging. Hagerty, Lynch-Sauer, Patusky, Bouwsema, and Collier (1992) conceptualized belonging as “the experience of personal involvement in a system or environment so that person feels themselves to be an integral part of that system or environment…. Two dimensions, or defining attributes of sense of belonging are delineated: (1) Valued involvement: The experience of feeling valued, needed, accepted with respect to other people, groups, objects, organizations, or spiritual dimensions, and (2) fit: the person’s perception that his or her characteristics articulate with or complement the system or environment” (p. 173). Sense of belonging could be viewed from various dimensions. It could be, for instance, considered from a psychological, sociological, physical, and spiritual perspectives. From a psychological perspective, belonging is an internal affective evaluative feeling or perception (Hagerty & Patusky, 1995). This is, commonly, referred to as the sense of belonging, as it highlights the individual’s experience of being important and valued by some external referent (Friedman, 2007). While we assume that a sense of belonging may be related to one’s connection to one’s family, Pilisuk and Hillier Parks (1986) indicated that one’s sense of belonging cannot be met by one’s family alone. Josselson (1996) defined belonging as “linking of the self to a larger social environment” (p. 181).

Hagerty et al. (1992) observed that the sense of belonging is “the experience of personal involvement in a system or environment so that persons feel themselves to be an integral part of the system or environment” (p. 173). When asked (Distel et al., 2010) which of their social activities was most enjoyable, the participants pointed to their intimate relationships and activities that promote bonding and high-quality relationships; commuting and working were seen as the less enjoyable. Cohen (2004) describes it as a “social network’s provision of psychological and material resources intended to benefit an individual’s ability to cope with stress” (p. 676). Brisette, Cohen, and Seeman (2000) grouped together the various kinds of possible support into three categories: instrumental support, which involves the provision of material and practical help; informational support, giving information that could aid the receiver in coping with difficulties or current problems; and emotional support, involving the expression of empathy, caring, trust, and reassurance that could be an invaluable assis...

Table of contents

• Cover image
• Title page
• Table of Contents
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Prologue: Getting loneliness out of the closet
• 1. Belonging—the essence of a community
• 2. Loneliness, illness, and death: universal experiences we dread
• 3. Loneliness—the concept and experience
• 4. Loneliness, gender, and culture
• 5. Loneliness and technological advances
• 6. Causes of loneliness
• 7. Loneliness and life’s ages and stages
• 8. Loneliness of marginalized
• 9. On love and loneliness
• 10. The loneliness of clinicians
• 11. Addressing loneliness
• 12. Loneliness and psychotherapy
• Epilogue: What now?
• Index