Beyond Difference

Al Condeluci

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2020
• eBook ISBN: 9781000154559
• Topic: Medicina
• Subtopic: Fisioterapia, medicina física y rehabilitación

This book explores the painful experience of being different, and offers solutions for society and for individuals to heal and to grow beyond difference. It examines the societal impact of difference, a pecking order that emerges, and the extent to which people can be distantiated.

SECTION II
BEYOND DIFFERENCE

6

Traits For Change

Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different.

Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

6

Traits For Change

If you have gotten this far in this book, you have probably experienced, or were touched, by significant difference somewhere in your life. And you know that for us to truly get beyond difference, we must reach even further as a collection of people. We must push ourselves, as a community of people, beyond what appears to be the complexity of difference, to the similarity of being, and an interdependence in activity.

Over the years, society has become more and more hardened and segmented. Clearly, some of this hardening can be seen in our current nature of human services. That is, as our society becomes more sophisticated about difference, it has also become more mechanical about the ways to address difference.

This mechanical nature, I believe, is associated with the medical/expert approach to difference. Earlier in this work, we examined the basic reaction to difference. To grow as people, however, suggests that difference must be more deeply analyzed and studied. We must not let ourselves or our systems evolve to the point where we believe that only the experts really understand any of the difference that we see in today’s society.

In fact, if this expert approach does take hold, there is a strong and convincing message to the citizens of our communities. It says, “Don’t worry about these different people, experts understand them and can fix them.” I submit to you, that this is the wrong message.

Fixing or offsetting is not the way we should deal with difference. Rather, what we need is to understand that all people have a right to be a part of the fabric of community just as they are. And, when we embrace difference, we grow to confront our own humanity. The process liberates us all.

Now, this is an important point to ponder. It suggests that personal growth is launched from a base of security, but fueled by a world of diversity. In my own life, my growth is nurtured by the bosom and security of my family, but stimulated when I meet and interact with people who are different. To a certain extent, the further the difference from me, the more I’m stretched to grow. I believe the same happens, in a collective way, with society.

The operative word in understanding this thesis on growth is interact. Note that I did not say react or act, but interact. This implies a two-way process – one that pushes and pulls. For most of us, it seems our exchange with difference is to react. That is, when we see homeless people our reaction is to step aside. When we see people with severe disabilities our reaction is to feel sorry. When we see elders our reaction is think they are better off in nursing homes or high rises.

When we interact, however, the process becomes dynamic. We are pushed to confront or defend the biases or stereotypes we hold about the difference. This testing can then focus our understanding. To this extent, the process becomes liberating and growth enhancing.

Think about it. You don’t really understand something until you deal with it, tinker or handle it. This interaction leads to understanding and that leads to growth.

The notion of diversity and the harmony found in mixing differences is a unique one that appeals more to the spirit and heart, than to the intellect. In fact, to a certain degree, it forces us to push the other side of complexity. What I mean, is that all of us, regardless of situation, are striving for some basic needs. Maslow’s (1968) work suggested a hierarchy of needs starting with the foundation of shelter and physical elements to the more higher order of self-actualization. In the middle of Maslow’s scale is, “affiliation or belonging.” This need to belong is fundamental to humans. By today’s standards, this should be a simple, understood conclusion.

Yet, when difference occurs, we strongly march to the offsetting tune of specialization, creating a framework and wall around the different person that can lead to an exclusion, the opposite of belonging or affiliation. Now, the reasons we do this are complex and a number of them have been explored in this book. In many cases, this complexity becomes so dominant that we get stopped at this point. We keep different people at bay, and create a dualistic approach for goods and services.

This book, however, is about getting beyond this complexity to recognize the simplicity when there is a mixing of diverse variables. Just as with a piano, a single note is simplistic, a cord becomes somewhat complex, but when we apply cords to a complex sonata, they become an active vehicle to an enriched piece of music.

BEYOND DIFFERENCE – TRAITS FOR CHANGE

Getting beyond difference is not an easy task, though. There are powerful forces at work, keeping us hung up in this notion of complexity. Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “I don’t give a figs leaf about simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for simplicity on the other side of complexity.” Clearly, Holmes, like so many other great thinkers, knew that achieving simplicity is not an easy thing. He realized that the simple notion of justice is often lost in the complexity of the law. Gandhi, King, and others have written about and reflected on this theme, as well. Most of us can’t even understand the question.

So where do we start? How do we come to identify the key elements that are the spring board to getting us beyond difference? As I looked around and talked to many different people, I began to identify a number of important variables. One book, shared values for a troubled world, (Kidder, 1994) offered eight interesting notions. These are:

Love	Unity
Truthfulness	Tolerance
Fairness	Responsibility
Freedom	Respect

Other authors (Bennett, 1994a; Covey, 1989) explore some of these and a variety of other virtues and values essential to a strong character. All of these are important works and worth looking at. For me, however, I have woven the following Five variables as seminal to getting beyond difference. These are:

Kindness	Hospitality
Generosity	Compassion
Forgiveness

To this end, consider some spiritual traits that can help us get beyond difference. They are simple and easy to relate to. In fact, for most of us they are things we do or have done, but have not applied to all situations. Know as you look these over, that I am not trying to preach or convert. It’s just that as I have wrestled with attempting to get beyond difference, I have tried the intellectual route only to be disappointed by what I found. The more I searched for a clinical formula to help people become included, the more I seemed to be polarized by the very process. This failure and frustration has now led me down a different path. It’s almost as if I have been reunited with the most basic of elements and in these, I now see hope for an answer.

Recognize too, that although these traits all have a spiritual flavor to them, I use the term spiritual with a little “s.” In fact, a good way to couch this entire section is under the heading “secular spiritualism.” It’s not about converting people or proselytizing. Indeed, this discussion is purely secular. We each need to consider theology in our own way. I am convinced, however, that all these traits have a spiritual link in that they all deal with the stuff of relationships and how we position ourselves in this universe. They are about inclusion.

Over the years, I have become increasingly interested in spirituality – what it means, how it affects us as people. As my awareness has grown, I have become amazed at how often I find references to spirituality in readings and literature. Einstein (1956), in his more reflective writings has firmly acknowledged spirituality as key. He stated, “All of science is but a blunt instrument if it does not have behind it a living spirit.”

Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan (1992), both well known scientists state:

If the universe really were made for us, if there really is a benevolent, omnipotent, and omniscient God, then science has done something cruel and heartless, whose chief virtue would perhaps be a testing of our ancient faiths. (p. 413)

Indeed, many of the esteemed scientist, past and present, acknowledge the spiritual side of the ledger. A recent review of self-esteem, conducted in California, suggested that spirituality refers to experiencing ourselves in relationship to the universe.” (CTFR, 1990). This, to me, is a good baseline to the word and concept.

So join me now as we turn attention to some key traits that combat the negative residue that surrounds difference. If more of the elements of these traits were in play today, we could, as a society, get beyond difference!

7

Kindness

We are supported to preach without preaching not by words, but by our example, by our actions. All works of love are works of peace.

Mother Teresa

7

Kindness

As we explore the five springboard spiritual traits to get beyond difference, all of them, kindness, hospitality, generosity, compassion and forgiveness, are related and work together. Each, as well, stand alone. As I have been reflecting and exploring all five, I have often asked myself, which is the most basic, the one that supersedes or precedes the others?

Now, this is a crazy reflection, probably one that is pushed more by my nature to order things, than by common sense. It seems we always try to find the first, or to proclaim the start point. I know that all five are equally important and related. Still, if I had to select the one that I think should be first, sort of in a friendly way, it would be kindness. When I think of basic, folksy, spiritual notions, I think of kindness.

I’m not sure why this is, but I know that I reflect on it a lot, and I know that I try to be more tuned into kindness in my own life. Kindness – i’ts one of those concepts that is both simple, yet elegant.

Certainly, kindness is a close cousin of hospitality. One of my friends suggests that hospitality is the child of kindness. When people are kind, it is easier to be hospitable. They suggest that kindness is a core and hospitality is the action.

I’m not sure of this, but I know that I find myself talking more about kindness with my children than any of the other four traits, even though they are all important. Again, not that there is some competition, but that it is just easier. It is a simple concept, to be kind, and my children can understand. When I suggest that they be compassionate, or hospitable, or generous, they struggle more to understand. But with kindness, they know what I mean and can relate.

The first issue with kindness rests with a definition. What does it actually mean? When I pose this question to friends or students, they first seem taken aback. Everyone knows what kindness means-to be nice, gentle, agreeable. So what do you think, what is kindness to you?

Perhaps, to help in this exercise, try thinking of the kindest person you know. What is it about this person that makes them kind? How do they carry themselves? What colors their actions? Can we only tell if people are kind through their actions? Are there some people you meet who you just know are kind, even before they demonstrate kindness?

So, what is kindness? How is it formally defined? The American Heritage Dictionary (1992) says:

Kind-ness. 1. An act or instance of being kind. A favor. 2a. The quality or state of being kind. 2b. A feeling of fondness.

Kindness. 1. The state or quality of being kind. 2. A kind act; favor. 3. Kind behavior. 4. Friendly feeling; liking.

These definitions help us understand that kindness is an active phenomena. In fact, all five traits examined in this work, require an action on the part of the person. To be kind implies that there is an act. The definition also implies that acts alone are not tantamount to kindness. Rather, kindness happens when the person reaches a level of quality or, as they say, a state of being kind.

Along with this definition of kindness, comes the elements that surround kind acts. That is, are there calculated precepts to a kind act? Do people act the way they do because they have a hidden agenda?

When I think of this question, I am drawn to recall an experience I had in Philadelphia a few years back. I had to make a presentation in the city of Brotherly Love and arrived at the airport late on a rainy Saturday night. Since I don’t like to take cabs when I travel, I stopped a sky cap to ask about public transit options. He told me I could get to the city by bus, but I must make a tricky connection to the subway at Veterans Stadium. I was struggling to understand the directions when a strange-looking man stepped from the shadows and announced that he was going downtown by bus and would escort me. Just as I was sizing him up, piercing eyes, need for a shave and rumpled clothes, a bus pulled up and he said, “This is our bus.”

He got on and turned to look at me from the steps. Bags in hand, I must have had a foolish look on my face as I followed him onto the empty bus. Could I trust this man? Would he be kind? Was I taking too great a chance?

As the bus moaned away from the terminal we sat down. He looked me over and asked what type of work I do? I mumbled some transparent answer and really began to feel that I had made a serious mistake. With the rain and fog outside, he, I, and the bus driver inside, I’m sure we created a surrealistic image that only Fellini could have appreciated.

Soon, we came to a stop and he announced that this was our point of departure. We both stood up and descended into a rainy dark bus stop. As the bus departed, he guided me to an area that led to the subway steps. I could see a foggy image of Veterans Stadium and I remember commenting on some inane sports issue as we descended the steps.

Quietly, we made our way through a dark subway station. Soon, a train came and he guided me in. By this time, I could read the headlines in tomorrow’s Philadelphia Inquirer, “Pittsburgh Man Found Slain in Empty Subway Station.” In the train, he asked me what hotel I was at and I couldn’t believe myself when I answered. He said he was going further, but would see me to my hotel. Before I could protest that I didn’t want to put him out, the train stopped and he guided me out.

As we arrived at street level, he pointed to my hotel just across the way. Then he asked me if I would be taking the subway/bus back to the airport when my conference was concluded. With a curious look on my face I answered, “yes.” As he dug his hand into his pocket, I was sure the anticipated challenge, a knife or gun, was now to occur. You could imagine my surprise when he pulled from his pocket and handed me a subway token. He told me to take it...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction: Interdependence and Culture
• Section I: Difference
• Section II: Beyond Difference
• Conclusion
• Afterword
• References
• Index