Counselling .... Me?

A Guide to the Talking Therapies

Jonathan Ingrams

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2020
• eBook ISBN: 9780429912313
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education Counseling

Although exact figures are hard to come by, statistical surveys suggest that as many as one in four of us in Britain suffer mental distress at some time in our lives. This is reflected in the increasing numbers who turn to counselling for help. But for the majority of people considering this approach there is the added concern of not knowing what they might be letting themselves in for. How does this form of therapy work, and why? How do they choose a counsellor? What qualifications should the therapist have? What happens in a counselling session? How long does it take? What sort of results can they expect? When does it end? Without knowing the answers to questions like these, going for counselling is a something of a leap into the unknown; not an ideal situation for someone who may already be under considerable stress. As a consequence, many who could benefit from counselling may hold back and so delay dealing with their difficulties.

CHAPTER ONE

How do I know if I might benefit from counselling?

AKEY QUESTION, and not one with a simple answer. Counsellors advertise that they can help to resolve a range of difficulties; typically anxiety and stress, depression, work issues, loss of confidence, life changes, relationships and sexual problems, as well as more vaguely defined complexes such as “lack of purpose” or “deprivation”. But how can you determine whether it might be useful for you to seek the services they provide?

A likely indicator is that you find yourself having persistent difficulty dealing with some aspect of your personal, social, or working life. Inevitably, there are periods when we all feel a bit down; sadness after a quarrel with someone we care about, disappointment that we didn’t get the promotion we hoped for, annoyance because we think someone’s behaved badly towards us, or regret if, on some occasion, we feel we haven’t conducted ourselves as well as we would wish. This is the natural order of things. We make up after the quarrel, perhaps look for a better job, put aside the irritation we experienced, apologize to someone if we feel we need to—and move on.

But supposing, for reasons we may not fully understand, we find we can’t “move on”? Some aspects of life we recognize that others seem able to manage with little difficulty become a major problem, putting us in a state of recurring anger, anxiety, or feelings of guilt. Situations that should be little more than mildly annoying may evoke gnawing resentment, or minor setbacks lead to deep depression.

The worst part of these feelings is the unproductive behaviour they induce. To avoid risking disapproval we may go to extravagant lengths to please. We may become obsessive about our health or impose unreasonable responsibilities on others to maintain our self-esteem. If we attend a job interview, believing that if we are not successful it is proof we’re a failure, we’re hardly going to present ourselves at our best. All these forms of thinking and behaviour are time-consuming, exhausting and, most importantly, act against our best interests.

One of the reasons that unhelpful patterns of thought or action persist is because we don’t really know how they got there in the first place, and why we are perpetuating them. If we did, we might be in a position to do something about them. But we’re not born with these difficulties. Unproductive ways of thinking, and the unhealthy emotions and conduct they generate, have been learned, often unwittingly, perhaps in earliest childhood. Importantly, the very fact they have been learned means they can be unlearned. This is where counselling can play a role. By helping us develop insight into the causes of our emotions and consequential behaviour, counselling can create the basis for us to adopt more productive ways of dealing with them. Counselling does not offer a cure like a medicine for an illness. The aim is to equip you with the knowledge and tools to become your own counsellor so that you can successfully address problems or difficulties that might arise even long after therapy has finished.

Bear in mind that counselling is not intended to resolve purely practical issues for which specialist knowledge is required; for example, difficulties you may be having in managing your finances, or where you are uncertain about your legal rights in a dispute. Under these circumstances it may be better to seek advice through an organization such as the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, or to talk to an accountant or a solicitor. Significant addictions to alcohol or drugs dependencies are also best dealt with by specialists in these fields.

Going for counselling takes courage as it involves facing up to our difficulties and asking someone for help. It is tempting to believe that if we do this, it is evidence that we can’t cope. In fact, the reverse is true. Making the decision to address our needs can be a major step forward in starting the coping process.

CHAPTER TWO

Do many people seek counselling?

MORE AND MORE of us do. Humans are best adapted to living in small units within an ordered structure, whose ethics and moral standards are accepted and followed by everyone. It was not so long ago that people in villages, or in largely self-contained communities in towns, would never feel the need to lock their cars or their doors when they went out. This is not to suggest that these were halcyon days, free of strife and danger. But social behaviour and customs reflected what was in the best interests of the community, and information from outside was restricted to what was needed for its survival and ongoing health.

Nowadays we live in an age of increasing pressure; pressure from information cascading in via television, radio, and the Internet; peer group pressure, both on ourselves and our children; pressure from advertising, from junk mail and from “phishing”; pressure to be politically correct, and from current obsessions over health and safety. Advertising, particularly on television, pursues a relentless goal of “happiness”, portraying a picture of a world in which everyone can expect to be fulfilled by benefiting from the products and services being promoted. It is hardly surprising that sometimes this onslaught creates tensions that are tough to handle.

According to NHS statistics, one in four of us will have problems with our mental health at some time in our lives. Between 8% and 12% of the population experience depression in any year¹. The UK has one of the highest rates of self-harm in Europe, at 400 per 100,000 population². According to a recent survey, three-quarters of those questioned said that the world is a more frightening place than it was ten years ago³. The number of counsellors in Britain has tripled over the past decade, just to keep up with demand. The government has set up a scheme, Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) and announced additional funding to increase services over the next three years.

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¹ The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report (2001).

² Self-poisoning and self-injury in adults, Clinical Medicine.

³ Mental Health Foundation.

CHAPTER THREE

Why not just talk to a friend?

YOU MAY ASK yourself: What benefit is there in going through all your stuff with a perfect stranger when you can talk to people around you who care about you and know you well?

The problem with talking things over with family or friends is that usually they cannot, with the best will in the world, offer unbiased responses. In their desire to show sympathy, they may well contribute to the problem by reassuring you that your anger or anxieties are fully justified. “Sounds as if it’s her fault, not yours”. “That’s terrible! He’s no right to do that!”. This may be what you want to hear, but if you unquestioningly go along with these justifications you are effectively letting others do your thinking for you. Importantly, you may not recognize what you may be contributing to the situation, or adjustments you could make in your thinking which would alter your perception of events.

Or, in wanting to demonstrate their psychological skills, friends or family may well jump in with judgements based on their views or experience, argue with your assumptions or offer simplistic solutions to the problem. They may be distracted by detail and pay more attention to the facts than the meaning they have for you. Paul Simon in his song The Sound of Silence talks of “hearing without listening”, and in their ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• About the Author
• Introduction
• Chapter One How do I know if I might benefit from counselling?
• Chapter Two Do many people seek counselling?
• Chapter Three Why not just talk to a friend?
• Chapter Four What does counselling set out to do?
• Chapter Five Does counselling work?
• Chapter Six How secure is counselling?
• Chapter Seven How much does it cost?
• Chapter Eight How long does it take?
• Chapter Nine Where do I find a counsellor?
• Chapter Ten How do I know who might be right for me?
• Chapter Eleven What qualifications should a counsellor have?
• Chapter Twelve Do all counsellors work the same way?
• Chapter Thirteen What should I expect from a counsellor?
• Chapter Fourteen What happens in a counselling session?
• Chapter Fifteen What should I contribute to the process?
• Chapter Sixteen What might block my progress?
• Chapter Seventeen How do I manage the effects of change?
• Chapter Eighteen What about online counselling?
• Chapter Nineteen What long-term results can I expect?
• Chapter Twenty How does counselling end?