Raving

Simon Paisley Day

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781783190461
• eBook ISBN: 9781783195459
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'I sometimes wonder how on earth people as pathetic as you and me are allowed to start a family. It's far more dangerous than driving a car, and yet there's not a single test...' Briony and Keith are not finding parenthood easy so their friends the delightful Ross and Rosy, engineer a relaxing weekend away in Wales: intelligent adult company, good food and drink, complete rest – and absolutely no children. But making up the numbers by inviting the unpredictable Charles and Serena doesn't make things restful. Add an uninvited anarchic adolescent and a fanatical farmer and Briony and Keith's idyllic weekend erupts into total chaos… An uproarious study of modern parenting and matrimonial tribulations.

Act Two

SCENE ONE

The early hours. Things are quiet – ish. When the wind gusts we hear music from the next valley. TABBY’s bed appears to contain a sleeping figure. ROSY emerges from her bedroom. She drinks some water and then goes towards the sofa bed. She is about to pull back the sheet when, out of the shadows, a voice speaks:

BRIONY: Hello.

ROSY: Bloody hell.

BRIONY: Sorry. Trouble sleeping?

ROSY: Yes.

BRIONY: The music?

ROSY: Ross’s foot. He keeps groaning and twitching in his sleep.

(She goes to the sink and pours herself a glass of water.)

Good excuse to drink some water. I’m very big on rehydration.

BRIONY: I never bother.

ROSY: Oh you must.

BRIONY: I hate the taste.

ROSY: There is no taste.

BRIONY: The lack of taste then.

ROSY: Nonsense. Here. (Hands her a glass.) Go on. Drink it all down. It’s very important. What’s Keith like?

BRIONY: He hates it too.

ROSY: No, I mean in bed…

(BRIONY laughs and eventually ROSY does too.)

I mean, is he a groaner? Oh dear. You know what I mean.

BRIONY: Sleeps like a baby. It’s all the grappling beforehand that’s the trouble. He’s all over me – like German measles. Funny expression, ‘sleeps like a baby’. I mean, when Finn finally does go down he’s fine, but it’s never for long. He soon wakes up and wants to get at me, suck on me, like a leech. Keith’s the same.

ROSY: (Laughing.) Yuck.

BRIONY: What?

ROSY: I thought you meant…oh, you did. Oh, that’s disgusting.

BRIONY: He loves it.

ROSY: I feel sick.

BRIONY: I don’t let him do it very often. I need it for Finn.

ROSY: But I don’t understand. You can’t still be…

BRIONY: I thought you knew. I’ve wanted to stop for ages, but Finn still really wants it. You don’t approve.

ROSY: Each to her own, Briony but no, it’s pretty gross. He’s a big boy now.

BRIONY: So is Finn.

ROSY: I meant Finn. I stopped at six months. We both knew, baby and I, both times. We were ready to move on to the next stage. If you’re not firm, then how will they ever learn? You have to be firm.

BRIONY: I used to be wonderfully firm.

ROSY: Well, no wonder. You’re not giving yourself a chance. And I don’t know what you’re doing allowing Keith to…

BRIONY: I don’t.

ROSY: Well, you have done, evidently.

BRIONY: Very occasionally. Anyway, everyone does it.

ROSY: Not everyone.

BRIONY: Everyone tries it though.

ROSY: No.

BRIONY: Didn’t Ross?

ROSY: Ross is very grown up. Why would he want breast-milk? He’s a PR exec.

BRIONY: It’s only milk. It’s natural.

ROSY: Not when you’re forty. When you’re forty, it’s obscene.

BRIONY: Any more obscene than drinking it from the udders of a farmyard animal?

ROSY: Perhaps you’ve never heard of pasteurisation. Anyway we only drink organic. (She moves away then turns back.) I don’t like to interfere, Briony, but it does seem to me that you need to set clearer guidelines, for everyone’s happiness. We all need boundaries. Or we turn out like her. Flashing ourselves at married men and making them skewer their feet to the floor. It’s time to start weaning. Goodnight.

BRIONY: I’m glad Ross’s foot’s all right.

ROSY: Thank God for Dr. Serena. If only she had something in her bag for this one. They should book her into rehab.

BRIONY: You think that’s what it was then?

ROSY: What?

BRIONY: With Ross. You think it was just her causing trouble?

ROSY: She’s a drug addict. Listen, a lot of women find my husband attractive – witness the mad Balkan – but he would never, ever do anything to jeopardise what we have. He is devoted to me. Funny, when they’re asleep, you can forgive them anything. There’s probably quite a nice girl somewhere inside, beneath all that shit.

BRIONY: She must be sweltering under there.

ROSY: Basically a sweet kid, who’s crying out for help.

BRIONY: Oh.

ROSY: What?

BRIONY: She’s not sweltering. She’s not here.

ROSY strides across and pulls back the covers.

ROSY: Lying little bitch. I do...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Dedication
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two