Fat Girls Don't Dance

Maria Ferguson

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781786821270
• eBook ISBN: 9781786821287
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Blending theatre, storytelling and killer moves, spoken word artist Maria Ferguson explores her relationship with the F-word (food) with the help of her first love (dance). Questioning how we all look at size, Fat Girls Don't Dance takes us in to the world of performance, where three meals a day is up for compromise and skinny sells well. NB: There will be cake

Fat Girls Don’t Dance

First performed at Battersea Arts Centre, February 2016

Performer: Maria Ferguson

Director: Lucy Bairstow

Dramaturgy: Yael Shavit

Lighting and sound: Zachariah Correia

Show photography (included): Tyrone Lewis

Illustrations: James Illman

All sections in bold are song lyrics and are sung.

As the audience enters ‘Karma Chameleon’ plays on repeat.

The stage is blank except for a pair of tap shoes upstage lit by a tight spot. Offstage on mic the voice of an excitable and ambitious ten-year-old girl is heard:

‘When I grow up I’m going to be a dancer. And a singer. And an actress. I’m going to be on stage. When I grow up I’m going to be a dancer, I’m going to dance on stage and wear a big tutu and a bow on my head and go up on my tippy tippy tippy tippy toes when I dance on stage and I’m going to sing as well, I’m going to sing on stage, like I did at the karaoke competition at Broadway House when we went camping and I sang YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I AM HERE WITH YOU…’

The ‘you’ is held for as long as is humanly possible. This is, of course, the first two lines of the chorus in the MJ classic hit ‘You Are Not Alone’.

That’s Michael Jackson. And they didn’t have the music, I had to sing it acapella, that means without music. A-capella. But I still won, I still won though, I won a handful of lollipops and a bottle of Lambrini.

And I’m going to act as well, I’m going to act on stage like I did in the school play and I played Countess Olivia in Twelfth Night, that’s by William Shakespeare, and my mum said ‘that’s a bit hard for Year 5’, but I didn’t mind I liked it ’cause I got to act. On stage! And when I grow up I’m going to be on stage. When I grow up I’m going to be on stage. When I grow up, when I grow up, when I grow up, when I grow up…

She runs on to centre stage acknowledging her audience and surroundings. There is no fourth wall; instead it is very much a dialogue between performer and audience member. She engages with her audience, nods to individuals etc. There is a general feeling that she is aware that she is on stage but isn’t quite sure what to do next.

The scene changes to a call centre where she waits for someone to answer the phone so that she can try to sell them a magazine subscription, and possibly her soul, for £3 along with their free guide.

CALL CENTRE

Within this scene a series of actions are performed to the repeated line: ‘Hello this is Maria at Which? You contacted us for a free guide. Mhmm mhmm, yes it is free.’ The actions are as follows and are performed along with the words underlined:

Maria: Nods head.

Free: Rolls right shoulder forward once.

Guide: Places left hand in front of herself, palm facing upwards.

Mhmm mhmm: Sweeps her left shoulder with her right hand twice, as if dusting something off it.

Yes it is free: Taps the right side of her forehead with her right hand as if realising she has forgotten something, bringing her hand down to her side.

(Smiling and in ‘telephone’ voice.) Hello this is Maria at Which? You contacted us for a free guide?

Her smile drops as it is apparent that they have put the phone down, with or without swearing as they do so. Each caller is imagined with every repeat.

Hello this is Maria at Which? You contacted us for a free guide?

Hello this is Maria at Which? You contact…

It is apparent that they have hung up mid-sentence. She pin-points a member of the audience and speaks directly to them.

Well that’s just rude.

(Whispering to ‘Gayle’, one of the only saving graces of the job, as if trying to get her attention.) Gayle?…Gayle?…Ga…

(In telephone voice.) Hello this is Maria at Which? You contacted us for a free guide? A free guide. It’s Maria at Which? Maria at Which? for a free guide. Mhmm, mhmm, yes it is free.

She looks off into the distance wistfully and with longing as she starts to sing the opening lines of ‘Part of Your World’ from ‘The Little Mermaid’.¹ If you have to look this up, then shame on you and watch the whole film because it is brilliant.

I want to be where the people are

I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancing,

Walking around on those…

(Attention back to front in full smile/telephone voice mode.) Hello this is Maria at Which? You contacted us for a free guide, a free guide. Maria at Which?, Maria at Which? for a free guide. Mhhmm, mhmm, yes it is free.

Looking off into the distance wistfully and with even more longing, she continues the song with conviction.

Flippin’ your fins you don’t get too far.

Legs are required for jumping, dancing,

Strolling along down a…

…What’s that word again?

(Asking the audience.) Anyone?

At this point an audience member should inevitably say ‘street’ because of the aforementioned fact that ‘The Little Mermaid’ is brilliant and everyone should have seen it and know all of the words to this song. If no one does she just belts it out anyway.

STREEEEEEEEET.

Hello this is Maria at…hello? Hello…? No one there…

She takes a slight pause to gather herself before continuing into the crescendo of the song.

Up where they walk,

Up where they run, up where they

STAY ALL DAY IN THE SUN.

She embellishes with trills and diva hand gestures until once again she interrupts herself.

(As if apologising to a co-worker who doesn’t appreciate the rendition, which causes her to remember that she is in a call centre and not in a cavern under the sea with a fish and a crab.²) Yeah alright, sorry mate.

She grits her teeth, determined to finish.

Out of the sea,

Wish I could be,

Part of thaaaaaa…

This end note is held to sound like a phone dial tone. She hits herself on the head four times in the same ‘Yes it is free’ gesture. After the fourth hit, the lights change.

SHANNONS

(a really dodgy night club in Seven Kings)

Friday night. Shannons. UK Garage. BANGING. It’s fifteen pound entry and fifteen free drinks. I am not joking. We get ready at Ceira’s. (In the style of a UK Garage MC.) She lives above a pub that her mum and dad run and we drink dry (fist pumping) every Friday and Saturday night, sometimes in between and (from the DJ Luck and MC Neat Banger ‘I’m Sorry’) I can see my whole world changing, there’s no need to live if I can’t be with… Malibu and coke in toxic measures, disgusting, and they never ID, even though it’s blatant we’re under eighteen. (From the So Solid Crew banger ‘21 Seconds’.) I got 21 seconds to go, I got 21 seconds to flow… There is something about knowing you can own a dance floor. That you can command attention from the way you (from the Artful Dodger ft Craig David anthem ‘Rewind’) re-e-wind, when the crowd say bo…

MC Ferg

At this point the whole audience should cry out ‘SELECTA’, as Craig David and Artful Dodger would have wanted, however this is not always the case. She interacts with the audience depending on their reaction, improvising as such:

Okay guys, that was rubbish. I don’t know if everyone here is familiar with the work of Craig David (pronounced Crag Da-vid purely for the lols) but he is a personal hero of mine, so we’re going to do that bit again. If you don’t know the song basically I say Rewind, when the crowd say bo and then you all shout SELE...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Fat Girls Don’t Dance
• Special Features
• Mirrors