Smack Family Robinson

Richard Bean

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2003
• ISBN:
  9781849432207
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Letteratura
• Subtopic: Teatro britannico

'Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. Doesn't do drugs. I'm worried about her, she's not normal.' 'It's the modern world. You can't judge kids by your own standards.' Things have changed since Dad set up the family business in the 60s: new products, more competition, and a bigger market. At the end of the day though, it's still all about cash and stock. But this is no ordinary family business – the Robinsons are drug dealers.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Friday 24 October 2009, early evening. Lights up on GAVIN ROBINSON sitting on the upstage sofa. He’s watching a nature documentary on TV. He is a man of sixty. He wears leather jeans, a ‘Soft Machine’ tour T-shirt from 196?, and slippers. He wears his long, grey hair in a ponytail. Throughout this scene he leisurely busies himself by grinding up some skunk with a skunk grinder, and making a joint. He finishes off a half glass of red wine on the coffee table in front of him. Enter CATHERINE from the kitchen. She is younger than he, maybe fifty and dressed in casual home wear, and slippers. She is drinking a glass of white wine. She has dark hair, dyed, and styled, and painted nails and toes. She is not so interested in the TV and sits and starts to sort an envelope of family photos.

GAVIN: (Pointing at the TV.) That’s him!

CATHERINE: Which one?

GAVIN: The big one! Behind that rock! Alf they call him, alpha male.

CATHERINE: What are that lot doing over there?

GAVIN: They’re the females. They’re waiting for him to make his move. Watch! Here he goes. Watch! Wahey!

CATHERINE: Ooh you couldn’t train them to do that!

GAVIN: Go on my son!

CATHERINE: Uurgh! Do you have to watch it in high-definition?

GAVIN: I ain’t gonna pay for me Sky, buy a big fuck off telly –

CATHERINE: – on tick.

GAVIN: – on tick, yes, and then watch penguins shagging in black and white am I.

CATHERINE: It’s a shame innit.

GAVIN: What’s a shame?

CATHERINE: That you’ve got a new high-definition flat screen colour TV, and penguins are black and white.

GAVIN: Thirty-five years!

CATHERINE: Oh! Look at that!

GAVIN: It’s nature!

CATHERINE: It’s disgusting! They shouldn’t be showing this before nine o’clock, children might be watching.

GAVIN: There he is again! Ha, ha! Wait till you see the size of his bollocks!

CATHERINE: Bollocks? It’s a penguin.

GAVIN: Penguins have bollocks.

CATHERINE: Do they? How many?

GAVIN: Two! You get two of everything in nature.

CATHERINE: Not two of everything. You don’t have –

GAVIN: – There’s his bollocks! Can you see them? They look like slippers.

CATHERINE: Oh yeah. Aren’t they sweet! They must get cold.

GAVIN: Cold?! They’re fucking penguins!

(Head in hands.) I’ve had thirty-five years of this.

Enter ROBERT from the hallway. He is a tall, heavily built man of thirty-five wearing a dark overcoat and a white shirt and tie. He starts to walk across the shagpile heading for the kitchen, but as soon as one foot is on the mat –

GAVIN/CATHERINE: – Shoes!

ROBERT looks at his feet on the shagpile, then goes around the sofa and takes up a standing position behind the sofa.

CATHERINE: How many times do you have to be told Robert?

ROBERT: Sorry Mum.

CATHERINE: This is shagpile Robert. It’s not a carpet, it’s not for standing on.

GAVIN: Don’t stand on it, don’t shag on it.

ROBERT: What’s it for then?

GAVIN: It’s like you Robert, it’s neither use nor ornament.

CATHERINE: I can’t take it back to IKEA with your big stupid footprints on it.

GAVIN: Fucking Swedish bastards.

CATHERINE: I’m barred from IKEA.

ROBERT: What did they bar you for Mum?

CATHERINE: Fighting.

ROBERT: She’s dead. (Beat.) Pammy.

CATHERINE: I’m sorry Robert. Gavin!

GAVIN: I’m trying to watch this!

CATHERINE: She’s died. His Pammy.

GAVIN: (Not looking away from the TV.) She’s gone has she?

ROBERT: Yeah. Pneumonia.

CATHERINE: (To GAVIN.) I told you to get the central heating fixed!

GAVIN: How did I know it would be my fault!

CATHERINE: (Holding up a photo.) She was a lovely girl, Pammy, even if she was from Teddington. Have you seen this one on the ferry? Your dad’s doing that face of his, ha ha!

GAVIN does his joke photo face with the eyes closed. CATHERINE and GAVIN laugh. Robert steps forward to look at the photo and in doing so steps on the shagpile.

GAVIN/CATHERINE: Shoes!

ROBERT: Sorry Mum!

ROBERT goes back to his spot and puts his slippers on.

CATHERINE: We’re all sorry Robert. Aren’t we Gavin!? Mute that will you! Talk to him! It’s not every day his fucking wife dies!

GAVIN mutes the TV.

Say something then!

GAVIN: Did you get any ham?

CATHERINE: What!?

GAVIN: He’s been at the West Mid hasn’t he. I told him to go into Isleworth and pick up some of their nice ham.

CATHERINE: Oh yeah. They do lovely ham in Isleworth.

GAVIN: Beautiful.

CATHERINE: Robert! Any time you’re near Isleworth pop in and pick up some of their nice ham.

ROBERT: Pen...