The Sluts of Sutton Drive

Joshua Conkel

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781849434980
• eBook ISBN: 9781849435390
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'Would you ever want to sit with me in the dark? Just sit with the lights out, barely even touching, maybe not touching at all, and just listen to me breathe?' Everybody wants a piece of Stephanie Schwartz. Her son's demanding nuggets, her boyfriend wants her to wax and her best friend's taking her to a stripping class. Now there's a rapist on Sutton Drive, an obscene caller invading her home and a portal to hell beneath her sofa. How far must she go to make it all stop? And how far is too far? A heart-breaking, taboo-busting black comedy by Joshua Conkel, 'the most important queer playwright of his generation' (Doric Wilson, the Co-Founder of Off-Off-Broadway's very first theatre, Café Cino.)

ACT 1

SCENE 1

Two cash registers in a grocery store: STEPHANIE is at one and SHARICE is at the other. They are both in their early 30s. SHARICE is dressed stylishly beneath her apron. STEPHANIE dresses like a woman who doesn’t want to be seen. They mime passing items over a scanner. There are BEEPS and BOOPS.

SHARICE: I swear, I can’t work in this grocery store another year. I just can’t. How do you do it, Steph? How do you keep going? A single mom with no prospects to speak of. You amaze me. Really, you do. Me, some days I can barely scrape myself out of bed. And I still have a husband. I mean it. How do you do it all?

STEPHANIE: Affirmations.

SHARICE: What’s that?

STEPHANIE: It’s something you say to yourself until you believe it’s true.

SHARICE: Say one.

STEPHANIE: (An affirmation.) I have inner strength. I am strong. My soul is strong. Because I am a woman I am strong.

SHARICE: I shouldn’t complain, I guess. Beats working at that old pantyhose factory. (About an item she’s holding.) You think this stuff works?

A MAILMAN with an armful of cleaning products comes up to STEPHANIE’s line.

MAILMAN: You open?

STEPHANIE: Yep.

(She is swiping his items. She holds a spray bottle of blue liquid: brand Kablammo.)

Oh, I love this stuff!

MAILMAN: Really? Good. I’ve never used it.

STEPHANIE: It’s great on counters. That’s so important, don’t you think?

MAILMAN: Yes. Thank you. I do think so.

STEPHANIE: Paper or plastic?

MAILMAN: Oh. Uh. I’ll just cradle them all in my arms.

STEPHANIE: Terrific.

STEPHANIE’s stomach makes a loud noise and she grabs it. The MAILMAN speaks to her, concerned, but in a sort of gibberish, as STEPHANIE’s hearing becomes distorted. The lights are weird and the world is moving in slow motion.

MAILMAN: Blah blah blobbity-blah? (You okay, lady?)

STEPHANIE: (She doesn’t understand.) What?

MAILMAN: Blah blah? (You okay?)

STEPHANIE: I’m fine, just…

MAILMAN: Blah blah blobbity-blah? (Should I call for help?)

STEPHANIE: Listen, I can’t understand what you’re saying, but I may throw up a bubbly black liquid in a moment, like hot cola. If I do, don’t be alarmed. But I’d back away if I were you.

She grabs her stomach and closes her eyes. Breathes deep.

The MAILMAN takes it as an opportunity to lean over and smell STEPHANIE’s hair. She doesn’t notice. SHARICE doesn’t notice either.

Her stomach is making strange noises. It passes. The world returns to normal.

SHARICE: Did you watch Reach for the Stars last night? They had a little boy on there who sang just like Celine Dion.

(Sees STEPHANIE in pain.)

You okay?

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

MAILMAN: Really? You okay?

STEPHANIE: Yes, thank you.

(Thunder.)

You better find cover. It’s gonna rain out there.

MAILMAN: What else is new?

STEPHANIE laughs, politely.

STEPHANIE: Have a good day.

MAILMAN: You too.

The MAILMAN doesn’t exit. He and STEPHANIE are locked in a loaded stare. It begins to rain outside.

SCENE 2

STEPHANIE’s living room. STEPHANIE and SHARICE have coffee, both still dressed in their aprons.

STEPHANIE: Do you feel embarrassed all the time? I do. All the time. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself, a reflection in the window while I’m working, and I think, “Is that really how I look?” I mean, moving through space? It’s so awkward and ugly. I hate my face too. Sometimes I want to scrape it off with a big knife or something. Look at that sofa. I’ve had that sofa so long it’s falling apart. I’m so tired of this house. Pitiful. Do you like this coffee? It was on sale. I like it, I think. Though I’m not actually sure if I can tell the difference between one cup of coffee and another really. Maybe my tastes aren’t that sophisticated. I don’t know.

STEPHANIE begins to cry.

SHARICE simply stares at STEPHANIE, considering her. She watches her cry for a long time. Then…

SHARICE: Is something the matter?

STEPHANIE: What?

SHARICE: You’re putting on a very brave face, Stephanie Schwartz, but you can’t fool me.

STEPHANIE: Am I that easy to read?

SHARICE: You’re making a sourpuss face.

STEPHANIE: I am?

SHARICE: Like this.

SHARICE makes a sourpuss face.

STEPHANIE: Sharice, if I shared something with you, something intimate, you’d keep it a secret right, right?

SHARICE: Of course, Steph. You’re my very best friend. We’ve only known each other our whole lives. Through thick and thin. Your husband killing himself…

STEPHANIE: …Your mother dying of cancer…...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Title Page
• Joshua Conkel
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Characters
• Contents
• ACT 1
• ACT 2