When We Are Married

J. B. Priestley

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781849431163
• eBook ISBN: 9781849436137
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

In the heart of Northern England, three respectable couples, married on the same day, at the same church, and by the same vicar, join to celebrate 25 years of blissful matrimony. Or so they think… The happy celebrations are brought to a sudden halt by a shocking revelation – these pillars of the community aren't quite as respectably married as they thought they were. As the home truths fly like confetti and conjugal rites turn to farcical fights, an evening of sparkling comic mayhem erupts. With a photographer from the local paper due to arrive any second, a missing housekeeper and a doorbell that wont stop ringing, can the three couples keep a lid on their embarrassing secret? Penned in 1938, this is a classic comedy that is a blessed union of laughs and surprises.

ACT TWO

About half an hour later. The lights are on. MARIA is drawing curtains, ANNIE and CLARA are laying out the cards and counters for Newmarket on a card-table, and they continue doing this throughout the scene that follows, chiefly counting the coloured counters and putting them into piles.

CLARA: (With much discontent.) Well, I must say – this is a queer way o’ going on.

MARIA: They’ll have just gone outside to finish their smokes.

CLARA: (Grimly.) When Herbert takes me out to enjoy myself, I don’t expect him to be outside finishing any smokes.

ANNIE: (At table.) Perhaps they’d something they wanted to talk over.

CLARA: Well they can talk it over here, can’t they?

(RUBY enters from conservatory.)

MARIA: Well, Ruby, are they out there?

RUBY: No, they aren’t.

MARIA: (Sharply.) Have you looked properly?

RUBY: Well I couldn’t miss three grown men in a garden that size.

MARIA: Did you look up and down the road like I told you?

RUBY: Yes, but they aren’t there.

(The three wives look at each other, puzzled.)

CLARA: Didn’t you hear them go?

RUBY: No. I was back in t’kitchen all time, doing t’washing up.

That Mrs Northrop left me to it.

MARIA: Where was she then?

RUBY: Out ’ere somewhere, I fancy. I know she’s gone like a dafthead, ever since she come back. Laughin’ to herself – like a proper barnpot.

MARIA: Well, ask Mrs Northrop if she knows where they went.

(RUBY goes.)

That noise you heard upstairs was a bit o’ this Mrs Northrop’s work – one o’ my best dishes gone. An’ Ruby says she just laughed.

CLARA: Stop it out of her wages and see if she can get a good laugh out o’ that. I’ve no patience with ’em.

ANNIE: I thought she didn’t look a nice woman.

CLARA: One o’ them idle drinking pieces o’ nothing from back o’ t’mill.

MARIA: Well, I was in a hurry and had to have somebody. But she goes – for good – tonight.

(RUBY appears.)

RUBY: Mrs Northrop says they wanted to have a nice quiet talk so they went down to their club.

(RUBY disappears.)

CLARA: (Angrily.) Club! Club!

ANNIE: And tonight of all nights – I do think it’s a shame.

MARIA: (Indignantly.) I never ’eard o’ such a thing in me life.

CLARA: (Furiously.) Club! I’ll club him.

ANNIE: Nay, I don’t know what’s come over ’em.

CLARA: (Angrily.) I know what’ll come over one of ’em.

MARIA: Perhaps there’s something up.

CLARA: Something down, you mean – ale, stout, an’ whisky.

Drinks all round! Money no object!

MARIA: They’re ’ere.

(The three of them immediately sit bolt upright and look very frosty. The men file in from the conservatory, looking very sheepish.)

HELLIWELL: (Nervously.) Ay – well –

MARIA: (Grimly.) Well what?

HELLIWELL: Well – nowt – really.

SOPPITT: (Nervously.) We didn’t – er – think you’d be down yet.

Did we, Joe? Did we, Albert?

HELLIWELL: No, we didn’t, Herbert.

ALBERT: That’s right, we didn’t.

CLARA: (Cuttingly.) Herbert Soppitt, you must be wrong in your head. Club!

ANNIE: And tonight of all nights!

HELLIWELL: Well, you see, we thought we’d just nip down for a few minutes while you were talking upstairs.

MARIA: What for?

PARKER: Oh – just to talk over one or two things.

CLARA: What things?

SOPPITT: Oh – just – things, y’know – things in general.

PARKER: (Coming forward, rubbing his hands.) Well – I see the table’s all ready – so what about that nice little game o’ Newmarket?

CLARA: You’ll get no Newmarket out o’ me tonight.

ANNIE: You’re – you’re – selfish.

CLARA: Have you just found that out? Never think about anything but their own comfort and convenience.

MARIA: I’m surprised at you, Joe Helliwell – and after I’d planned to make everything so nice.

CLARA: Lot o’ thanks you get from them! Club! (Looking hard at SOPPITT.) Well, go on – say something.

(The men look at each other uneasily. Then the women look indignantly.)

ANNIE: Just think what day it is!

CLARA: And after giving you best years of our life – without a word o’ thanks.

MARIA: An’ just remember, Joe Helliwell, there were plenty of other fellows I could have had besides you.

ANNIE: You seem to think – once you’ve married us you can take us for granted.

PARKER: (Uneasily.) Nay, I don’t.

CLARA: (Very sharply.) Yes, you do – all alike!

MARIA: If some of you woke up tomorrow to find you weren’t married to us, you’d be in for a few big surprises.

HELLIWELL: (Uneasily.) Yes – I dare say – you’re right.

MARIA: (Staring at him.) Joe Helliwell, what’s matter with you tonight?

HELLIWELL: (Uneasily.) Nowt – nowt’s wrong wi’ me, love.

CLARA: (Looking hard at SOPPITT.) You’ll hear more about this when I get you ’ome.

SOPPITT: (Mildly.) Yes, Clara.

(The women look at the men again, then at each other. Now they turn away from the men, ignoring them.)

MARIA: What were you saying about your cousin, Clara?

CLARA: (Ignoring the men.) Oh – well, the doctor said, ‘You’re all acid, Mrs Foster, that’s your trouble. You’re making acid as fast as you can go.’

ANNIE: Oh – poor thing!

CLARA: Yes, but it didn’t surprise me, way she’d eat. I once saw her eat nine oyster patties, finishing ’em up after their Ethel got married. I said, ‘Nay, Edith, have a bit o’ mercy on your inside,’ but of course she just laughed.

(The men have been cautiously moving to the back towards the door. As HELLIWELL has his hand on the handle, MARIA turns on him.)

MARIA: And where’re you going now?

HELLIWELL: (Uneasily.) Into t’dining-room.

MARIA: What for?

HELLIWELL: Well – because – well – (Gathers boldness.) We’ve summat to talk over. Albert, ’Erbert, quick!

(They file out smartly, without looking behind them. The women stare at them in amazement. The door shuts. The women look at each other.)

MARIA: Now what’s come over ’em?

ANNIE: There’s something up.

...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Authors Preface
• Characters
• ACT ONE
• ACT TWO
• ACT THREE