Oh, the Humanity and other good intentions

5 Short Plays

Will Eno

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781840028324
• eBook ISBN: 9781849436281
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Includes: Behold the Coach, in a Blazer, Uninsured; Ladies and Gentlemen, the Rain; Enter the Spokeswoman, Gently; The Bully Composition; and Oh, the Humanity Five short plays about being alive. We'd like you to meet a bunch of people with something on their mind. There's a coach with an awkward confession to make and a spokeswoman who doesn't know what to say. This man and that woman want to fall in love, but they're not quite sure how. Oh, and these people want to take your picture, so just act natural, ok? Witty, charming and playful, Oh, The Humanity exposes the terrible hope and hilarious uncertainty of our lives, through the eyes of one of New York's hottest playwrights.

THE BULLY COMPOSITION

Dramatis Personae

PHOTOGRAPHER

male, 30-50

ASSISTANT

female, 30-40

(In the program, no roles should be listed. Only the actors’ names should appear, e.g., “John Smith. Jane Jones.” The reason for this is to encourage the audience to more easily accept the possibility that this is an improvisation.)

Setting

Theatre.

Stage Properties

A camera (with a flash), a tripod, a light meter, some lights. A folder full of photos and papers.

THE BULLY COMPOSITION

PHOTOGRAPHER and ASSISTANT enter. PHOTOGRAPHER begins to set up a camera (with a flash, perhaps some remote flash devices) and tripod, aimed at the audience. ASSISTANT has a folder filled with papers, photographs, etc. ASSISTANT looks around at the theatre and audience, checking light meter readings. Both PHOTOGRAPHER and ASSISTANT speak mainly to the audience, and do so in a very natural way that must seem extemporaneous, but in a way that should also, at times, express just as naturally an intense gravity.

ASSISTANT

Don’t be nervous. Just act natural.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Fidgeting with camera.

This should only take a minute.

Brief pause.

To make a record of your souls.

ASSISTANT

Don’t blink.

Looking around at the light in the theater, checking a meter reading.

We may need more light. I don’t know, maybe not.

Brief pause. Pulling a small antique photograph, wrapped in a protective cover, out of a folder. The photograph, though the audience won’t really be able to see it, should be of a grotesquely mutilated corpse.

Anyway, why don’t we start.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Good.

Looks through the viewfinder, sees that lens cap is still on camera, removes it.

Much better.

ASSISTANT

What we’re going to be doing in this one is re-enacting, or re-creating—celebrating, too, really—a little-known photograph by an unknown photographer, depicting—well, you’ll see. The title—though it’s hard to make out the writing on the back—the title is “The Bully Composition.” It was taken in 1898 in Cuba during the Spanish-American War. “The Splendid Little War.” I’ll pass this around, and, when you look at it, you can see how strangely the people

She looks at it for the first time and realizes she has the wrong photo. This is treated as only a minor inconvenience.

—and, oops, wrong one. Sorry. I have it here. Hang on one sec.

She begins looking through the papers in her folder, just as she is saying “…, wrong one.”

Sorry.

She continues looking.

PHOTOGRAPHER

We’ll wait.

Brief pause. He looks through the viewfinder.

“People in a Building, Seated, Breathing.” That’s what I’d title this. Or “Number Nineteen.”

He looks again. Referring to people in seats the lens might not be able to include:

I don’t know if we’ll get everyone.

Brief pause.

We’re all here in spirit.

During the above, ASSISTANT has begun looking in another folder.

PHOTOGRAPHER

He takes a quick look at the incorrect photograph that ASSISTANT was about to pass around. To ASSISTANT.

Maybe I could do my…

ASSISTANT, as she continues to look for the photograph, nods a quick “yes.”

To audience:

So, I do a little thing, sort of a—I don’t know, you’ll see. It seems to be helpful, picture-taking-wise. It helps people get into a kind of—well, I hope it does, anyway—but just, the right place. It’s probably weird, but, maybe it’ll be good. So…

PHOTOGRAPHER begins a concerted effort at going into some kind of a trance. Pause.

Private…

Very long pause. ASSISTANT looks, occasionally and very discretely, for the photo. PHOTOGRAPHER doesn’t go into a trance.

Sorry. Usually I can do it.

ASSISTANT

And, I don’t think we have our photo. We’re all right. Um, maybe it’d be good if we could…sorry, one second.

She whispers something to PHOTOGRAPHER. Very short exchange, between them, as they decide to move on.

To audience:

Okay. We’re fine.

Very quick last peek into the folder.

We can live without it.

With little lingering anxiety, she moves gently and respectfully into the details of the photograph.

What you would see, if you could see it, is a group of American troops sitting on the ground and on boxes, staring at the camera. We are on San Juan Hill, in the Spanish-American War, July 1st. It was the single worst day of fighting, they say, the bloodiest. “The Bully Composition.” Photographer unknown. The people in it have this sort of historic look in...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• I. BEHOLD THE COACH, IN A BLAZER, UNINSURED
• II. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE RAIN
• III. ENTER THE SPOKESWOMAN, GENTLY
• IV. THE BULLY COMPOSITION
• V. OH, THE HUMANITY