Total Football

Jon Haynes, David Woods

• Publisher: Oberon Books
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781849430159
• eBook ISBN: 9781849436588
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Football systems, changing room banter and a couple of mops solve the big questions of life – immortality, happiness and why England always lose, in a new play tackling the beautiful game. After several years of embedded research in the football darklands, a failed attempt to create a UK football team for the 2012 games and pathetic efforts at understanding the offside rule, Ridiculusmus is patching up its metatarsals to examine the melting pot of what it means to be British today.

Two men wearing light grey suits. One of them (Actor 2) holding a white A4 ring binder.

SFX: Stadium.

1. THE CULT OF THE FOOTBALL MESSIAH 1

DUET: Rooney Rooney Rooney hurr Rooney hurr

Rooney hurr Rooney hurr Wayne Rooney hurr

Wayne Rooney hurr Wayne Rooney hurr Wayne

Rooney hurr Wayne Rooney hurr Wayne Rooney hurr

WayneRooneyWayneRooneyWayneRooneyWayne

RooneyWayneRooneyWayneRooneyWayneRooney.

A foootball dance routine.

The dance finishes. Actor 2 puts a ring binder in the back of a chair and moves to behind a screen which Actor 1 has set up in the black.

2. A CELEBRATION OF BRITAIN TODAY

NIGEL: An almond croissant washed down with a cappuccino made from Morroccan beans by a Canadian coffee chain... a Chinese take away sitting on Swedish furniture as you watch an American cop drama. This is what it means to be British today (This reminds him to ring his wife.) – Answer phone. Hi babe, it’s me – just wanted to say don’t tape over the hard drive – I got last night’s ‘Wire’ on it and didn’t do the save function yet. Hey and I dunno about the coffee machine but I’ve been going to the toilet all morning – either that or the milk is off. Maybe chuck it and I’ll get another at 7 11 on the way home – Love ya.

He flips down the screen (with A Celebration of Britain Today written on it) and reveals the Pakistani man, who has wandered behind the flip-up screen and remains hidden until this moment.

NIGEL: Oh sorry didn’t see you there. You’ve come for the conference?

MAN: Yeah, yeah.

NIGEL: I’m was just going over my spiel

MAN: So is it a talk or do the audience...?

NIGEL: Well I’ve got a talk prepared and yeah there’s time allotted for –

MAN: Discussion?

NIGEL: Yeah, for discussion at the end MAN: Are you Nigel Burton?

NIGEL: Yeah – I’m with the DCMS – I suppose you saw that on the leaflet, did you?

MAN: (Moving downstage to get a better view of the display banner.) Right, you’re leading the thing about celebrating Britain?

NIGEL: Yeah yeah yeah I am yeah... well it’s a Celebration of Britain .. today

He has put the banner back up again.

MAN: Yes

NIGEL: it was actually originally a ‘celebration of Britain’ and I ermm ... there was a mistake at the printers – cos I said ‘today at 8pm’ but they missed out the ..... – I mean that’s okay but its more than just contemporary or contemporary-ist – you know it’s more than that it’s history it’s historirical ... So did you want to talk about?

NIGEL has sat in the only chair on stage. The MAN looks around for a chair and then squats.

MAN: About the topic? Yeah, I suppose what I’m interested in being a Pakistani man –

NIGEL: Fair enough.. so you were born in Pakistan but have come to live in England?

MAN: No I live in Pakistan

NIGEL: So you’re just visiting? You’re not here as a citizen?

MAN: I have family here

NIGEL: Yeah

MAN: But maybe I come to live here.

NIGEL: Yes

MAN: Depending on if I like what I see.

NIGEL: Well I can say as a black British man

MAN: Excuse me?

NIGEL: Coming from a family of African descendants, being black British

MAN: You’re not very black

NIGEL: Well, ...

MAN: I’m blacker than you

NIGEL: But you’re brown aren’t you?

MAN: I’m black

NIGEL: You’re obviously in the sun a lot and what with the weather and everything we do tend to fade a bit. But let’s not get into an I’m blacker than you – I’ve got more black friends than you argument – but yeah yeah descending ... basically my parents emigrated to England from the Caribbean

MAN: West Indian?

NIGEL: Yes

MAN: Not African?

NIGEL: Yeah originally from Africa, like my forefathers went over to work on the sugar plantations – I say work but not in the sense of getting paid – and kind of took advantage of when the empire said you know come back to its subjects – we’re running out of people, expecting the whites to come back and then got, you know...quite an handful and consequently I was born here. So my identity is mixed up with immigration and intertwined with a different story so I take your point

MAN: What?

NIGEL: That you were thinking about moving here

MAN: Yes I suppose that’s why I came to this talk

NIGEL: Right.

MAN: Interested to see what this Britishness identity is about

NIGEL: Well I think its ...

He stands up and moves away to ruminate.

MAN: So if I come here do I become British?

MAN moves towards the empty chair.

NIGEL: Well eventually if you chose to live here you would become British – it’s your choice if you want to apply for immigration

MAN: Pass a test?

NIGEL: There is a test, you get a big book with all things like the flag, the anthem, all about the political set up – what ... what’s the constitution of the UK

MAN: What is the constitution of the UK?

NIGEL: Well it’s sort of you know it’s kind of like err. You know ..... well you know we don’t have a bill of rights as such. You know we don’t have...

Table of contents

• Front Cover
• Half-Title Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Chapters